


The Cliff

by stonegirl77



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Post-The Force Awakens, Slow Burn, damaged characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-08-21
Packaged: 2018-05-12 09:49:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 76
Words: 106,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5661883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stonegirl77/pseuds/stonegirl77
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reya, a scientist/mechanic/odd woman about town, is sent to give the new guy in town some housewarming gifts. When she meets him, she finds a new pastime, a new way of dealing of her memories of the War, and possibly, a new friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys!
> 
> Hope you all enjoy this story - it's my first time writing for the Star Wars fandom, so we'll see how it goes, but I saw TFA and this idea didn't stop bugging me, so I wrote it. 
> 
> A few explanations: This is set after the events of the Episode VII, VIII, IX trilogy, whatever they end up being.   
> It's going to be an amazingly slow burn here. Slower than anything I've written so far, I think. I'm taking a lot of inspiration from the fantastic Mycroft Holmes/Anthea story "A First Time for Everything', which I love.  
> I'm going to try to keep to an every other day posting schedule, but no promises - I'll do what I can.
> 
> I think that's it. Let's dive in and see what happens!
> 
> Stonegirl

_110._

_111._

_112._

I kept counting steps - the rocks were far too uneven to give them the name of stairs - it was the only way I was going to make the top.

_113._

_114._

_115._

_Why did I agree to do this?_ I adjusted the pack on my back, making note of the number and stopping for a breather. At least the food wouldn’t get cold, not with the heat I was generating getting it up the 200 steps to the hut.

_Oh, that’s right. Tela talked you into it. “It’s only a few stairs, Reya. You can handle a few stairs, right? And a crotchety old guy?”_

“Crotchety old guy, not a problem,” I grumbled, my breathing evening out. “It’s these steps that’ll send me to an early grave.” I glared at the eighty-five remaining steps, seeming at that moment to go straight up. “I hope whatever-his-name-is appreciates this.” I readjusted the pack, the baked goods and other housewarming gifts Tela had gathered clanking together gently, and set off once more.

_116._

_117._

_118._

 

 

_——————_

 

“What are you doing here?” The hooded figure was looming on the last step. The two hundredth, blasted, glorious-because-it-was-the-last-one, step.

“Would you get out of my way?” I shot back. I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t. Maybe a little annoyed that the gigantic clot of a man had the temerity to ask me questions before I made it up the 200 horrible, horrendous, should-be-outlawed steps. “I have a bet to win.”

The figure huffed, but moved about three inches to the side so I could scramble up the last two steps.

“Yes!” I crowed, shooting both hands up into the air as I did a little victory dance. I’d made it to the top, so now Hex owed me a beer, and if Mr. Old-And-Crotchety didn’t like it, that was his business. He huffed and moved another few inches away from me. Happy dance complete, I turned to the extremely tall man, who was probably regarding me as if I had some mental disorder. It was hard to tell - his face was completely covered by that hood, and he was too tall for me to see anything but a glimpse of nose.

Not that anything about this guy was anything less than odd. In the heat of summer, when I was wearing little more than my boots, knee-length pants, and a sleeveless shirt, Mr. Old was wearing full-length black robes. Well, they had probably been black once. Now the heavy, expensive material was faded, the metallic pattern showing even more starkly now that the black was fading into dark grey. I stuck out my hand.

“Hello. I’m Reya - I live in town.” Mr. Old just kept looking at me. Said nothing. “Tela - she runs the inn - thought we should send up some welcome gifts, and I was the person with the morning off, so…” I shoved the backpack at him. “Here. Welcome to town.”

A black-gloved hand reached out for the backpack almost automatically, taking the weight easily. My jaw dropped before I could stop it. I’d needed both hands to carry the backpack, filled as it was with preserves in glass jars, breads, and a book or two. But he was holding it in one hand easily, as if the bag was filled with packing fluff.

“This is…” Mr. Old began, his deep voice the one I would have picked to go with his height, his wardrobe, and his general stoic demeanour. “Unexpected.”

“What, people aren’t neighbourly, where you’re from?” I asked, and immediately regretted it. It wasn’t that I minded offending Mr. Old, or anything. He’d been living up at the top of this hill for almost a month, and we’d seen barely a hint of him. But I should be better about thinking before I spoke - it had landed me into trouble, both during the war and after, and slipping into bad habits with Mr. Old wasn’t exactly helpful.

“No.” I thought about apologising - it really wasn’t great to be on bad terms with neighbours, but Mr. Old beat me to it. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” I said stoutly, nodding, then surveying the slightly dizzying drop back down the 200 steps. But the view from up here was incredible.

On the horizon, you could just barely see the neighbouring islands, Iwana and Iwoylo, the Twins, where the spaceport was. But more than that, you saw ocean. The grey of today’s chop close to the island merged into the darker blue where the sea evened out offshore, the few boats that were out every day, regardless of weather. Even farther out, all you could see was the water, the changes of colour that you couldn’t see from the surface obvious here, hundreds of feet above the water. It was a view you could stare at for hours and not get bored.

The wind picked up briefly as I stood there, taking it all in, and I staggered back a step with a gasp, arms windmilling.

I caught my balance at the same time something grasped my elbow, steadying me. I looked to Mr. Old, but he was just standing there, watching me. _Probably thinking what a klutz I am_ , I thought grimly, putting the weird feeling out of my head. I’d probably just made it up, anyway.

“The view’s lovely,” I said, making sure I had all my belongings. Mr. Old still hadn’t said anything. _Not exactly chatty, are you? Well, I won’t be bothering you for much longer._

Mr. Old nodded.

“I’ve got to get going - I want a shower before work.” It wasn’t a matter of want so much as need - my shirt was plastered to my back from the backpack, not to mention I’d been uncomfortably warm much of the climb. And still, Mr. Old said nothing. _Well, if you want to be that much of a hermit, I guess you can be,_ I thought. “It was nice to meet you.” Another nod. “Goodbye.”

“Goodbye.”

And with that, Mr. Old swept off towards the next set of stairs, the last twenty or so to the old bunker that lay at the top of the hill. I watched him go for a moment, perplexed. He was odd. I realised I was frowning, and had to chuckle. Why should I let some weird old guy ruin my day? I’d done my errand for Tela, Hex owed me a beer, and I’d actually managed to climb 200 steps - not bad for a morning’s work.

I began my journey down, whistling absently as I counted.

_200._

_199._

_198._


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reya goes back up the cliff. The guy in the black cloak's there too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all!
> 
> Thanks so much for reading this! I'd be grateful if you tell me what you think (comments are catnip to authorbeasts, especially this one).
> 
> Hope you like the next chapter, and happy weekend!

“So why are you trekking up that godsforsaken mountain again?” Tela asked, leaning on the bar as I finished packing my snacks in my pack.

“One, it’s not godsforsaken,” I said, snatching a piece of dried fruit that had fallen out of the pack onto the bar and popping it into my mouth. “Two, it’s not a mountain. Maybe a hill. Definitely a steep hill.”

“But why?” Tela took her own piece of dried fruit from a bowl and inspected it before nibbling gently at it. “Surely not because of Mr -what did you call him?”

“Mr. Old and Crotchety,” I supplied, feeling vaguely guilty. “Although Mr. Barely Verbose would be more accurate.”

“Whatever. Not because of him?”

“The man who spoke maybe five words altogether?” I snorted. “No. I just… want the exercise.” _It’s not a lie,_ I told myself firmly. I did want to do some form of exercise that didn’t involve me having War flashbacks, and climbing steps fit that bill. But it wasn’t the real reason I wanted to climb back up those dreadful steps. No, the real reason was the view. I hadn’t been able to get it out of my mind in the two days since I’d first seen it. I’d almost screwed up an experiment yesterday thinking about it - the thing had grabbed my imagination and wouldn’t let go and I’d almost dropped hydrochloric acid into the new base I was testing. I had to go back.

“Exercise?” Tela looked dubious. “You’re something else, Reya.”

“So they tell me.” I slung the pack on one shoulder and waved on my way out the door.

 

———————

 

_150._

_151._

_152._

I was regretting my decision. I’d forgotten how awful this climb was, how much my heart pounded in my chest, drowning out everything except my own attempts to take in enough oxygen. How my feet grew more and more heavy with each step, how my focus seemed to dim until all that remained was the next step, and the next, and the next.

_161._

_162._

_163._

And why was I doing this anyway? Because of some view? I mean, sure, it was the most stunning view I’d seen - it totally reminded me of home, in the expanse, in the way the sea made the green of the grass look greener, in the way I’d been bowled over by it, almost literally, but was that enough reason to subject myself to this torture? Hadn’t I been through enough?

“You’re nuts,” I muttered. “Certifiably, confirmedly lunatic. Best ring up the asylum, tell them they have a new inmate.”

And yet I put one foot in front of the other, inexorably. Some things never changed.

 

 

——————

 

“Now this was worth it,” I murmured. I hadn’t done a happy dance at the top this time. I’d just turned and stared. Now the wind was picking up, drying the sweat on my clothes and starting to make me shiver. I thought about putting on the jacket I’d stuffed in my backpack early in the climb, but that would require moving. And I didn’t want to move just now.

No. Now I wanted to look.

Today the sea was bluer, the sky was greyer and they met at the horizon at almost the same colour. I stared, trying to memorise it, letting the still of the height quiet all the thoughts in my head. I usually had too much going on in there anyway. But here, it was quiet.

“What are you doing here?” I jumped, and for a terrifying second, I thought I was going to fall off the cliff, down every single step I’d climbed up. My arms windmilled, trying to counterbalance me, and then a hand was in my backpack, pulling me back, steadying me.

I stumbled a few steps backwards, following the tow of the pull of the backpack straps, grateful to get back from that edge. The hand let go of me almost immediately, and I turned to face my saviour. Or whatever he was.

It was Mr. Old, standing there in his big black robes, as faceless and looming as the last time I’d seen him. His hood was turned towards me, and I felt the weight of his gaze without seeing it. He was definitely looking at me. And judging me.

And so, in spite of the fact that he’d both caused my fright and saved me from its consequences, I said nothing. If Mr. Judgy wanted to judge, he could. But I was well within my rights to look at the view. His property didn’t start until the next set of steps. The ones, I thought snidely, no one but him would ever climb anyway. So I stared right back. I watched as his breathing, broad chest heaving with some kind of exertion, slowed back to its presumably regular rise and fall. I stared into the shadow of the hood again, trying to see if I could see anything, make out any facial feature. As before, I saw a glimpse of pale nose, and that was it.

Eventually I got bored examining Mr. Old - there was nothing new there anyway. And I hadn’t come to look at him. So I huffed and turned, moving to the edge of the steps more cautiously, this time.

I surveyed the top step, checking its surface for any hidden wet patches, and sat. I pulled my backpack off and delved inside.

 _I hope he didn’t squash my sandwich._ My hands came up with the foil-wrapped package, unscathed. I frowned. I hadn’t seen any trace of someone’s hand on the outside either, but then, I rationalised, Mr. Old had been wearing gloves before. It must have been luck that the sandwich had been spared.

“What are you doing here?” Mr Old repeated, just as I was about to take my first bite. I stared at the sandwich, contemplating just ignoring the man. But no, it wouldn’t be polite. And I was working on my manners. Even with people like Mr. Old, who were too tall, who scared their neighbours when all said neighbour wanted was to look at a pretty view and eat her sandwich in peace.

“I like the view,” I said. I didn’t glance back at Mr. Old, who was presumably still standing where I’d left him, a few yards back. I did pitch my voice so he could hear me though. No use being polite if the other person couldn’t hear it. I took a bite of my sandwich, crunching on the greens Tela had put in happily.

“Why?” his voice was closer now. I thought about looking at him, but decided against. I took another bite, considering the question.

“Um,” I’d started too early - my mouth was still full of food. I chewed, swallowed, and tried again. “Why do I like the view?” _What kind of question is that?_

“Yes.” I’d meant it to be rhetorical, but Mr. Old decided to answer anyway.

“I don’t think you can get a real answer to that question,” I replied. “I mean, I like it because it reminds me of home, and because it’s breathtaking, but that’s not the whole answer, and we both know it.”

“Do we?”

“Do you get off on saying as few words as possible?” I snapped, then I did turn, feeling my face flush. _Be polite._ “I’m sorry,” I said, just barely glancing at the hooded figure, who was practically next to me by now. “That was rude. I apologise.”

Mr. Old shrugged. “No matter.” I could almost hear the smile on his face when he just waved a hand. “Continue.”

I half-smiled through my continued embarrassment. That hadn’t been a nice thing to say, and I’d been _working_ on trying to control my tongue. What was it about this Mr. Old that I couldn’t seem to activate my brain-to-mouth filter?

What had I been saying, anyway?

“The thing about views, I think,” I said, when I’d rediscovered my train of thought, “is that the good ones - like this one - just kind of grab you, and they don’t let go. They’re the ones you could stare at forever and not get bored.” I paused. “I lost my point. It was in there somewhere.”

Mr. Old chuckled, and I was possibly more surprised by that than anything else that had happened that day. Or in the past week. _You should laugh more often,_ I thought, filter thankfully working. This time, at least. _It’s nice._

We lapsed into silence again as I continued to eat. Soon enough, I was staring at an empty piece of foil. I crushed it between both hands, taking childish glee in forming it into a small puck before tucking it into my pack once again. We weren’t so well-off here that I didn’t need to be careful about bringing back semi-precious metals.

My hand brushed up against the bag of dried fruit, and I tugged it out. I popped one into my mouth, relishing the sweetness, then, before I could second guess it, I turned again.

“Want one?” I asked, proffering the bag. Mr. Old seemed to rock back on his heels, and I felt a pang of frustration at the hood covering his face - it was almost impossible to know how to react around him when I couldn’t see his face.

There was a moment where I thought he’d just ignore me. But then he took a step forward, extending one gloved hand.

“Thank you,” he said, taking a few pieces from the bag before retreating. I grinned up at him. _Success!_ I didn’t quite know why I felt like punching the air and jumping up and down, but I restrained myself.

So I sat on the topmost step of 200, and he stood behind me, and we ate our dried fruit and stared out at the view.

_I could find a worse way to spend my day off._


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reya heads up to the cliff again, but this time, she brought something with her.

“You’re back.”

I spun, wrenching the headset off my head, silencing the radio chatter from the spaceport instantly.

Mr. Old stood not three steps away, and I wondered how he’d managed to get so close to me without me noticing - I usually had a pretty good radar, even if my hearing was impaired. I gazed up, up, up at him from my sitting position - he was standing so close I almost got a crick in my neck looking at him. As usual, he had on his blackish robe, complete with that hood I was starting to thoroughly despise.

“Hi,” I said, headset still in hand. I could faintly hear the sounds of the pilots and the ATC talking back and forth. Mr. Old didn’t seem to notice.

“Why?”

“What, no hello?” I asked, snarking at him automatically. As the silence started to lengthen, I regretted the familiarity. Why was I treating Mr. Old like one of my friends? What was it about him that almost compelled me to act differently thanI normally would?

I was about to say something else when he beat me to it and actually replied.

“Hello.” And then, another miracle. “You’re back.”

“Yeah.” It was my next afternoon off - three days after my second visit, and I’d made the climb again. I thought - hoped - it was getting easier, because the view was definitely worth it. I’d brought the headset this time to keep me company, both as I was climbing and as I looked out onto the ocean, which was grey again today - there was a storm coming in.

“Why?” I had to give him credit - he was persistent.

“More questions I can’t answer?” I asked instead of trying to give him an answer. I wasn’t sure myself, honestly. It could have been any number of things - the view, the exercise, the routine. I just liked it, the ritual of packing up a few things, leaving my comms behind and walking, climbing, to get to this stunner of a view.

Not that I said any of that, of course.

Mr. Old shifted, and I was about to swing back to the view again - it was why I was here, after all, but he spoke again. “It wasn’t my intention to give you an impossible question.”

 _He speaks!_ That might just have been the most words he’d ever said in one sentence.

“No worries,” I replied. “I guess I just like coming up here.” There. I’d given him an answer. Of sorts.

He gestured at the headsets, and I noticed that today his hands were bare. I tried to hide my surprise at actually seeing Mr. Old’s skin, but didn’t know how successful I was. And now I’d seen his hands, I wondered if my name for him might not be accurate. Those weren’t the hands of an old man - no wrinkles, no age spots. No. Mr. Old’s hands were strong and broad, no swollen, knobbly hands for him.

But he was speaking. Again.

“What are you listening to?”

 _It’s none of your business,_ I wanted to say. _It’s none of your business, why I come up here, why I need to retreat from town every so often, now I know I have the opportunity. Why should you have access to my thoughts, even as I come up with them?_

But that was small of me, and I was trying to be better about the whole ‘snapping at people’ thing, so I took a deep breath, steadying myself, then replied. “The ATC feed,” I said, being almost as parsimonious with words as he was.

“Why?”

“That I’m not going to answer,” I said. _No one needs to know the answer to that one. Or that I can field-strip a TIE fighter in less than half an hour._ Well, I hoped I only said it. I suspected I might have snapped it, trying in vain to keep some of the memories, the dark and the light, of the War away. If I wasn’t trying to escape, why would I live here, on the most remote island? Why wouldn’t I be at the spaceport, where life bustled around me, aircars and spaceships taking off every thirty seconds? I’d loved that life once. Now I was very happy with my job as girl-around-town, scientist, and, if the need was dire, mechanic.

And I was very happy like this.

I clutched the headset tighter, my knuckles lighting up with the strain, but I didn’t care. I had no wish to discuss my past with anyone, not even Mr. Old, or whatever the hell his name actually was. I was preoccupied, focusing on my fingers on the headset, on the stone beneath my butt, on the beginning of the new stairs behind Mr. Old, grounding me, keeping me in the present, and I didn’t notice Mr. Old had spoken until he repeated himself.

“Reya?” he asked, and something about the way he said it told me it wasn’t the first time he’d said my name. Although I was surprised he remembered it - I barely remembered giving him my name the first time I saw him.

“Yeah?” I said, snapping out of my reverie and focusing on Mr. Old again. He’d moved closer again, a few steps, but was still a distance from me. If I leaned _way_ over, maybe I could touch his robes, but that was it. Still, it was the closest I’d been to the man since the time I’d given him the pack, the first time I’d met him. “Sorry. Zoned out.”

 _Not true._ I told my conscience to stuff it. It was close enough.

“It is I who should apologise,” Mr. Old said, deep voice sad. “I did not mean - that is -“ he stopped, made some kind of motion with his hands, continued, “I apologise for causing you distress.”

I had to stifle a chuckle at that. ‘Cause me distress?’ What was this, some kind of holodrama? I loved them at the worst of times, but to hear such a canned phrase in real life, albeit coming completely naturally, from Mr. Old’s admittedly gorgeous baritone - ok, maybe it wasn’t so awful. But I had to say something.

“You didn’t know,” I said, waving it off. “No problem.”

Mr. Old seemed to huff, even though I didn’t hear it.

“Really,” I said, putting the headset down on the grass next to me and hefting my pack onto my lap. “’S all good.” I found the pack of dried fruit and held it up. “Want some?”

I was observing Mr. Old closely enough that I saw him almost rock backwards in surprise, hem of his robes lifting ever so slightly off the ground. Silence.

I waited, then waited some more. Finally I shrugged. “Suit yourself,” I turned around, taking a piece of fruit myself.

“Reya.” Mr. Old’s voice had some kind of urgency, and I turned around, despite myself.

“Yeah?”

“I will -“ he broke off again. “If the offer is still-“ I had to laugh, a little, this time. The guy really didn’t know how to use his words at all. I revised my age estimate down a little bit more.

“Get over here and have some fruit, you lug,” I told him, grinning. His shoulders relaxed, and I half-heard his chuckle as he bent.

He must not have been as careful with his hood today, or he wasn’t watching the angle relative to me, because I caught a glimpse of his profile. I saw a nose, a rather big one, a long face, mouth tilted in a small smile.

I remained motionless as the angle changed - I’d only seen his profile for a second, maybe less - and the hood did its job once more. But that didn’t change the fact that I’d seen Mr. Old’s face. And I’d been right. He wasn’t old at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the chapter! I'm having great fun writing this - it tends to creep into my commutes, and then I realise I've written another half-chapter....
> 
> Anyway, let me know what you think! Comments are the fuel that keeps us writers going!


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reya stops past the inn before going up to visit her view once more.

By my sixth day off, Tela had the dried fruit waiting for me.

“You’re a life-saver,” I told her, digging in my pocket for my change. I’d just run from work, and I was feeling all the stress from the day, wanting to get up those steps, out of town, and to my view. And, funnily enough, to Mr. Old. Mr. Old who wasn’t old, who barely spoke, but who had what was rapidly becoming my favourite chuckle.

I still didn’t have more idea of what he looked like. Other than that one glimpse of profile, he’d been more careful with his hood, and we really barely spoke when I made my trips up to the clifftop. He arrived a few minutes after I did, and stood behind me as I watched the ocean crash and the ships take off and land. And we shared the dried fruit.

I reached for the bag, but Tela pulled it away. I frowned at her.

“You’ll get it, and free of charge, dearie. But you have to tell me something first.”

“Shoot.” I smelled a trap, and the weariness of my day vanished as I scented danger.

“What exactly do you do up there? I know it’s not just exercise - it can’t be. You might be out of shape, but you’re not _that_ out of shape.” I didn’t see suspicion on her face, just concern. For me? That didn’t make sense. I hadn’t done anything worth being concerned about, had I?

“Gee, thanks,” I said, deflecting, buying a bit of time. “And I don’t really do anything. I just go up there and sit. Like I said, it’s a killer view.”

Tela looked dubious.

“You wanna come up with me?” I didn’t know why I was so protective of this, so suddenly. It was just a thing that I was doing. But I had it now, my islands of solitude, or almost solitude, and I wanted to keep them. They were mine. “I’ll even let you share my awesome dried fruit.”

I knew, somehow, that she wouldn’t. That she couldn’t leave the bar tonight, that she wouldn’t leave the bar, not Tela, twenty pounds overweight and sedate, not to come and trek up steps with me. I also knew, in the privacy of my own thoughts, that if I ever was forced to trek up the cliff with company, that Mr. Old wouldn’t show. I had no idea how I knew that, but it was the truth. Incontrovertibly.

“You eat all of that?”

“It all goes,” I said agreeably. Not quite agreeing, but I guessed she wouldn’t spot the half-truth.

“Huh.” She held out the bag and I almost snatched it. _Leave me and Mr. Old alone._ I was shocked at my tone, even in the privacy of my own thoughts. I wasn’t that person any more. I just wasn’t. So I stepped on the anger, and the annoyance, and smiled at Tela.

“Thanks. What do I owe you?” I started to reach for my spare change again.

“I told you, it’s on the house, dearie. Don’t worry about it.”

I smiled again, a more real one, this time. “Thank you, Tela. Really.”

She waved me off. “Don’t mention it. Have fun staring at the water.”

I was halfway out the door already. “Always do!” I called, a real grin spreading over my face.

 

————————

 

_192._

_193._

_194._

“Here,” a voice called, and my head jerked up, but the rest of my body stayed firmly put, self-preservation kicking in to save me from overbalancing and throwing myself off the cliff. Mr. Old was looming over the edge, one hand, gloved, this time, reaching over the edge. I noticed Step 197 was half-gone, splintered away. _Huh. Must have been in the storm yesterday. Funny place for lightning to strike._ I didn’t fancy trying to scramble up there - it was going to be tricky. But Mr. Old was extending a hand, kneeling at the top of the cliff. That would help. I grinned at him.

“Hey!” I took a few more steps, grabbing his hand at step 196 and steeling myself. I braced myself against his hand and put a tiny bit of weight on the remaining piece of step. It held, just. I figured it’d hold my weight, if I was fast about it.

So, still holding Mr. Old’s hand for that extra bit of balance - there was no _way_ I would have tried it without someone else’s help - I took a breath, then stepped, pushing off 196, stopping briefly at 197, and moving on to 198. Or that’s what I tried. The minute the bulk of my weight rested on that remaining step, it crumbled, and it was only Mr. Old’s grip on my hand that saved me from scraping my way down the steps until my momentum ran out. For one brief, endless moment, I was sure I was going to plummet down to my death, or at least, to severe pain.

Instead, he pulled, and that, combined with my own momentum, sent me sprawling onto step 198. I let go of his hand, bracing on the next two steps with both hands as I fell against them, barely landing before I clambered the rest of the way up.

I stood at the top of the cliff, making sure I was far enough back before resting palms on my knees and breathing for a few seconds. That had been close. And an adrenaline rush.

I stood back up, turning to Mr. Old, who was standing, impassive as always, closer to the cliffside. I stepped over.

“Thank you,” I said. “That would have been bad, if you hadn’t been there.”

He seemed to look me up and down for a minute before replying.

“You’re welcome,” he said. Then he paused. It looked, it felt like he wanted to say something else, but I waited, and he didn’t. And the moment passed.

“Hey, I brought our snacks,” I said, reaching into my pack for the fruit. “Although it was a close thing this time - I almost couldn’t get them.” I winced internally, remembering Tela’s questions and my complete overreaction. I still wasn’t sure what to do with that.

“Oh?” I passed him the whole bag so I didn’t have to struggle with it and the backpack at the same time.

This time my grimace made it to my face. “I may have snapped at a friend. I’m sure you don’t want to hear about it.”

“I do.” The answer came quick and sure, and I felt my eyebrows rise. Backpack settled, he held out the bag for me to take back.

“Ok,” I said dubiously, I said, fingers closing over the bag, brushing his gloved ones. “If you’re sure.” He nodded. _You, my friend, are odd._ “But I’m not talking about it standing awkwardly.” I sat on my usual perch, on top of Step 200 and patted the stone next to me. “Come into my office.” I felt vaguely daring, almost like I did when I was doing an interesting experiment - I wanted to see what he would do, how he would react.

He stood motionless for a minute, probably considering. As usual, I didn’t have a clue what was going on in his head - the hood obscured everything. So I waited. It hadn’t been that long, a normal-length silence. For us, anyway.

Then he moved, taking three steps forward to stand right next to me.

“You want me to sit?” he asked, voice almost painfully neutral. It was as if I was talking to the Mr. Old I’d met at first, the one who didn’t say anything much. Maybe I’d pushed too hard.

“Only if you want,” I said. “You are kinda tall from down here.” I smiled half-heartedly. I’d misstepped. I _had_ pushed too hard, asked for too much from this very odd man.

Then his robe folded, and I was, all of a sudden, sitting next to Mr. Old, his boots - black, of course - resting next to mine on Step 199. A Mr. Old who was pulling his hood further forward so I couldn’t see his face. _Why does he cover his face anyway? It’s not like he’s ugly._ I remembered the flash of profile. _I mean, not conventionally handsome -_ a glimpse of another face, this one much more handsome, coming and going before I could prevent it, almost sent my thoughts reeling - _But no. He might not be a centrefold, but he’s not ugly. Not at all._ I was suddenly very aware of how close we were sitting, only inches separating us on the narrow step. _And on the top of the list of Things I Didn’t Think Would Happen Today…_

I passed the bag of dried fruit. He took it, unspeaking. I’d have to start the talking on my own.

“The thing about sitting at the top of a cliff like this,” I began, not quite ready to admit my failings as a human being just yet, “is that when I look down, I feel like I’m falling, even though I’m not.” Mr. Old shifted next to me, so I glanced at him. “You’ve never had that feeling before? You’ve never sat here, or a place like this, and felt yourself hurtling through the air, even thought you know full well you’re sitting on solid ground?” Mr. Old shook his head. I shook mine.

“Hm.. Well, then have you ever had the fleeting desire - crazy and completely impossible though it might be - to fling yourself off said cliff?” I asked it with a smile, pretty sure of the answer. All things tended towards entropy. Even humans. So I wasn’t surprised when the answer came.

“Yes,” Mr. Old said. “I have thought that before.” He’d answered my question, but I got the impression his suicidal impulses hadn’t been as fleeting as mine. Suddenly the thought of discussion Tela’s nosiness didn’t seem so bad - anything should be better than talk of cliff-diving without parachutes, right?

“One of my best friends in town is the lady who runs the inn - I don’t know if you’ve met her - her name is Tela?” Nothing.

“Anyway. She’s the one who sent me up here in the first place, and she’s the one I get the fruit from. I have no idea what she does to it, but it’s delicious, right?” That did get me a nod, and earned me custody of the bag once again.

“So today I went in to get my supply, and she stopped me. She wanted to know why I keep coming up here - didn’t believe me when I said it was for the view. And I didn’t tell her anything about you either, don’t worry. I figure you don’t want the publicity.” My filter was well and truly destroyed by this point, so the words flooded out. “And I got really annoyed when she kept prying. It was like she was trying to take this from me, or make it not private, not mine, even though she wasn’t, and so I snapped at her, and I think I was rude, and I’m really trying to be better about just being nice to people, always, no matter what they do, ever since…” I trailed off.

“And I know you said you wanted to know, but I think that was probably a little bit too much information. I’m sorry.”

I fully expected the silence that followed. Heck, I wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d just risen and left. But he just sat there, and I picked a piece of fruit out of the bag and chewed it, staring out at the view, willing the sea to work its magic on my stressed out thoughts.

Two pieces of fruit later, and a gloved hand entered my field of vision, fishing a few pieces of fruit out of the bag.

So he hadn’t vanished on me, after all.

“Were you rude?”

I jumped, the question was so unexpected.

“Huh?” I said, unintelligently. “What? Maybe a little?”

“A little.” I turned my head to watch one of the fruit pieces vanish into Mr. Old’s hood.

“I was mean, more than anything else.”

“What exactly did you say?” I looked out at the ocean again. In the distance, I could see a freighter taking off from the spaceport. My fingers found the edge of the paper bag, feeling the now-rough edge, tracing it back and forth, back and forth.

“I pretty much told her that if she didn’t believe me, she should come up with me sometime.” I looked glumly at my hands. “I knew she wouldn’t do it. She’s overweight and … sensitive about it. And I shouldn’t have poked her about it. I just wanted her to leave me alone.”

Mr. Old considered that. “That doesn’t sound so bad to me,” he said finally. My head tilted to look at him before I’d made the conscious decision to do so.

“What?”

“She was trying to get you to do something you didn’t want to. You dissuaded her.”

“Dissuaded.” It was my turn to mull over something he had said.

“It doesn’t sound to me like you were that rude.” The tone of his voice changed into something lighter, almost teasing. “And if you care this much about it, it shows that you’re a good person, not a bad one.”

Memories twisted in my gut, words spoken in the heat of the moment, battles fought lightyears away, hearing the chatter of the pilots from my headset at base. I closed my eyes, centring myself. The wind chilled my face, so I felt that. I felt the cold stone beneath my butt, the paper beneath my fingers. “I just have a thing about saying hurtful things, is all,” I said finally. “I had… a bad experience, once. I said something, and I couldn’t take it back. You’d have thought it would have cured me of saying things without thinking about them first.” I half-laughed, and it came out as a bark. “Oh well. I try.”

“Intent is king,” Mr. Old said, bringing me back to the present. “All of our actions are weighed on that scale, and in the end, what people care about is not the result, but the intent, even those who claim to feel otherwise.” Again, I felt like he was talking about something more than just my tiff with Tela, but I didn’t comment. I was just glad he hadn’t asked for the other story.

“Sometimes our actions are bad enough,” I said. “And the intent just makes them worse.”

Mr. Old froze next to me. Not that he’d been moving much before, but for an instant, he went completely motionless, not even breathing. “Yes,” he said finally, and I wondered at what could cause that particular tone. That voice could kill galaxies. “People do terrible things.” He seemed to shake himself without moving, because his tone was far more brisk when he continued. “But you aren’t one of them. Never doubt that.”

I couldn’t respond to that. I couldn’t agree, because I didn’t, and I couldn’t disagree, because that would be rude. A hand closed lightly over my forearm, and I started, looking down at the black glove that encircled my wrist. Mr. Old was looking straight ahead, seemingly not aware of his hand’s actions.

“You are Light, Reya.” His grip tightened ever so slightly, then relaxed. “I see it.”

It was my turn to go still. I couldn’t breathe for a second, my heart thudded in my ears as I stared at the place where his face should be. Then my breath shuddered from my chest. Mr. Old’s hand removed itself and returned to its owner’s knee.

“Thank you,” I whispered finally, when I could speak again. _I have no idea where you got such faith in me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to everyone who's reading this -y'all are awesome!!!
> 
> As always, comments make me write faster, and I want to find out what these two are up to just as much as you guys!


	5. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reya's at the top of the cliff again, this time in part to catch a glimpse of the new liner landing at the port.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you for commenting and leaving kudos - you all are all special snowflakes, yes, that means you!
> 
> And thank you for continuing to read this - I'm excited to show you everything I have planned for our favourite mechanic...

"There's going to be a dance tomorrow," I commented, letting my legs swing over the edge of the cliff. It was unreasonably warm for the time of year, and I'd shed my boots and socks as soon as I'd arrived, anxious to feel the grass between my toes. Mr. Old was sitting next to me, making his way through his half of the fruit. 

"Oh?" 

"Yeah." I smiled out at the sea, which was a cheerful blue. I was wondering, in the back of my head, if the sea was a reflection of my mood - the weather certainly seemed to be so today. "All the kids were running around the past couple of days, trying to figure out who was going with who." My smile turned into a grin. "Kids - I mean the techs at the lab, the runners, their friends, you know - they're probably in their twenties - not that much younger than me, really. Guess that's the War generation gap, the difference between those who were old to take part and those who weren’t - they seem so young. Probably would get mad at me for calling them kids, though."

I went back to my perusal of the horizon - there was a passenger liner coming in today, and I wanted to see it land, if I could. 

"Are you going?" Mr. Old asked abruptly. 

"Sorry, what?" I'd been lost in thought. The liner was a model I'd never seen, and I'd been considering a trip to the port, to see if I could sweet talk the engineers into letting me take a look. 

"The dance. Are you going?" 

"Oh. Yes, I'm going. Should be fun. I went to the last one Tela hosted - lots of people, good music, people had a good time."

"Did you?" 

"I did," I said. It had been fun. I'd gotten a bit tipsy, danced with friends from the lab, and stumbled into bed sometime in the wee hours of the next day. Not something I'd want to do often, but every now and again it was something I enjoyed.  The comfortable silence returned again, punctuated by the rustle of paper as we passed the bag of fruit back and forth.

I could see a shape on the sky, a blur I didn't recognise - must be the liner.  It grew clearer as it neared, the smooth, almost delicate lines of the craft making me long to get my hands on it and figure out how it worked. I had to make a trip to the port, I decided. 

"Do you want anything from the port?" I asked, glancing over at Mr. Old. It was his turn to start and glance over at me. I caught another glimpse of profile - my third, as he'd turned a half second too late the last time I was up here - nose, eyes I was guessing were brown, dark brows. And then his head jerked back, and his face was hidden again. 

"From the port?" 

"Yeah." I wanted to lean over for some reason, to jostle him with my shoulder, like I'd done with - no, I wasn't going there. The anniversary of V-Day was coming. The memories were always worse then. "From the port. Do you want anything? I want to go over in the next few days." I'd probably stay a few nights with a friend, make a trip of it, I decided. One of the advantages of living in a relative backwater like this was that my expertise meant I could save up some credits, and my wardrobe could use some updating - I could use a new pair of boots, for one thing.

"Oh. No, thank you."

"Well, if you think of anything..." I said, trailing off as I realised I probably wouldn't be back up here before I left. I felt a pang, but of what, I wasn't sure. 

"Will..." He started, then tried again, "will you be coming up here again before you leave?"

I shook my head. "Probably not. I'll try to leave day after tomorrow, go for two days, maybe three?" I was weighing possibilities as I spoke. None of the experiments I was running were so critical that I couldn't leave them to the techs for a few days, and the break might do me good. I'd have to control my partying, but that didn't bother me. I honestly wasn't in the mood for a full rout right now anyway. 

It came as somewhat of a surprise to me that I'd rather clamber up 200 steps than stay up late drinking, talking, and dancing, but there it was, the truth, staring me in the face.

"Please take care," Mr. Old said, breaking into my reverie once more. It came out awkwardly, but I smiled, for once using his trick and leaning forward a bit and covering the expression with my hair. 

"I will," I said, touched. "Not that I can get into that much trouble on this planet, but I will." 

“There can be trouble anywhere,” Mr. Old said, sounding like one of those Jedi Masters.

“Aye, aye, Sir,” I said, the familiar reply springing to my lips as if summoned. “But I maintain that some places are more dangerous than others.”

I got a chuckle for that. “True.” He passed the bag over to me, and I reached for it automatically, returning to my inspection of the liner in the distance, or trying to. But I couldn’t concentrate anymore. Too many things going on in my head.

I tried again, surveying the belly of the liner, what little I could see of it. Would those be the new propulsor systems?I had no idea. What would I wear tomorrow? Oh, of course - I’d been saving that skirt, and I’d find something or other to wear overtop. And this just wasn’t working.

I groaned and lay back in the grass, shutting my eyes against the glare of the sun, willing my brain to shut off. _This is your break, numbnuts,_ I told myself firmly. _You might as well worry about stuff in town as up here. Relax, damn it!_

I flickered my eyes open to find Mr. Old half-turned to face me. “Are you all right?”

“I can’t turn my brain off,” I grumbled. “Don’t worry about me. I’m fine.”

Mr. Old huffed at that. “Turn your brain off?”

“Yeah, you know, relax, kind of meditate, stop the nonsense that goes on in my head all the time. Some people exercise for that, Tela kneads her bread dough, I walk up two hundred steps and sit here. And not think, I guess.” I sighed and pushed off the grass so I was sitting again. “But not today. I can’t stop thinking.”

Mr. Old considered that for a second. “You know, my mother used to tell me something - when I was a kid, and I had nightmares,” he barked a laugh, but this one wasn’t friendly. “I had _lots_ of nightmares. And when my mother came into the room to comfort me, she’d say ‘think of just one thing. Doesn’t matter what it is. Doesn’t matter if your thoughts stray. Just keep thinking of that one thing. The trying is the important thing.’” His hands had folded together, gloved fingers twisting around each other. I didn’t understand. It sounded like a good memory, but he acted like every word hurt. Not from his voice, but from those hands, from the way he seemed to sink into himself without losing an inch.

 _Screw it._ I put a hand on his shoulder. “Thank you,” I said. _I know that wasn’t fun. But you thought it would help, right? So thank you._ I felt him wanting to turn his head, but he stopped himself.

“It was just a story.”

“No, it wasn’t,” I replied, being as enigmatic as he could be. My hand was still on his shoulder - it felt so natural there, I’d almost forgotten about it, but I let my hand drop back to my side.

We lapsed back into silence, both looking out into the distance, thinking our separate thoughts. This time, though, my thoughts were calmer. I thought about him. What was his childhood like, that even such a seemingly innocent memory could make him act like that? That bit of hand-wringing was the most emotion he’d showed. Ever. Not that you’d see emotion much, as he kept his face covered and wore that robe all the time. All emotional cues, or most of them, vanished when you did that.

I sat there, wondering about my friend, lazily planning my trip to the port, and just watching the landscape go by until the sun started to blind me. I shaded my eyes with a hand and peered its angle. Beside me, Mr. Old shifted.

“Think it’s about time I went,” I said. This time, I was more sad than usual, which puzzled me. It wasn’t like I was leaving forever, or anything. I’d be back, and I had that trip to the port to look forward to. And yet my gut churned ever so slightly in distress. “I don’t want to climb down these stairs in the dark.” I could do it - I always had a light with me - but it wouldn’t be fun.

Mr. Old glanced towards the sun as well. “That would be inadvisable,” he said, then put gloved hands on his knees and stood. I crumpled the now-empty bag in a hand, surveying the landscape as I prepared to get to my feet too. Motion made me turn. Mr. Old was extending a hand, to help me up.

 _Not that I couldn’t get up myself,_ I thought, taking the hand and levering myself to standing, _but it’s sweet of him._ For a second I was stunningly, dizzyingly close to him, feeling his body heat against my bare arms. Then we dropped hands and I stepped back, to regain my balance.

“You’ll be careful at the port?” Mr. Old asked, reminding me of my promise.

“I’ll be careful,” I told him, smiling indulgently. “I might even pick up something for my friend at the top of the cliff at the port.”

“You… don’t need to do that,” he said.

“I know.” Another smile. So many smiles today - I couldn’t quite figure it. Not that I was an unhappy person, but today I was definitely smiling more than usual. “You take care too, you hear? No mortal injuries while I’m gone.”

That merited a chuckle. “I promise.” I resettled my pack on my shoulders. “And Reya?”

“Yeah?”

“Enjoy the dance tomorrow.”

“I’ll do my best.” Another promise. “See you when I get back?”

“I’ll be here.”

 _Good._ I stood there, feeling awkward. I wanted to say something else, but didn’t know what. The sun was slipping further towards the horizon - I really should be heading out, but my feet wouldn’t move. Or I didn’t want to move them. I sighed. “Ok, then. Good night - take care!” I suddenly wished I had a name for Mr. Old. Then I could have said ‘good night, whatever-your-name-is’. But if he wanted to keep his name secret, that was his business.

“Good night,” Mr. Old replied. I smiled, waved, and turned to begin my descent.

_200._

_199._

_198._

_Skirt around 197._

_19-_

“Reya?”

“Yeah?” I craned my neck back up. Mr. Old was looming, seeming even taller than usual standing at the top of the cliff.

“My name’s Ben.”

I stood there, shocked. I had a name. He had a name. He’d given me his name. I’d wished, and there it was. Then my brain reset. I retraced a few steps, so I didn’t have to shout.

“Nice to meet you, Ben,” I said, extending my hand. He crouched, extending his hand with a short chuckle, and shook.

“Travel safe.”

“May the Force be with you, Ben,” I said, for once using the formal goodbye, now I had a name - _a name!_ \- to give my friend.

He paused. “And with you, Reya. Until we meet again.” I grinned as he completed the goodbye.

“See you soon.” I couldn’t keep the smile off my face as I gave a little wave and turned again. I set off down the steps, still processing.

Ben. Mr. Old is called Ben.

_I have a friend named Ben._

 


	6. Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reya goes to the party, and we start to find out more about her past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone!!! You are the sweetest readers an author could hope for!
> 
> Here's the next instalment - hope it's up to snuff. We don't have any Ben today, nor will we for another few chapters, just to warn you. But he'll be back, or, more appropriately, Reya will be back, soon enough.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

“You realise everyone’s looking at you, right?” Tela asked as I leaned against the bar.

“Not possible,” I said, taking a pull from my beer. I laughed and surveyed the crowd. Bodies pressed against each other in time to the music, the low lighting casting shadows every which way. "No one's watching, Tela." If nothing else, I would have noticed. Hypervigilance in crowds was one of those gifts that just kept on giving. 

"Not right now, silly," she popped the top of another beer and extended it. I clinked bottles. 

"May the Force be with you," I said automatically. 

"And with you," Tela replied, raising perfectly arched eyebrows. "You didn't tell me you were in the War."

I shrugged. "I figured it was obvious. I told you I was on D’Qar, before." I also hadn't realised the toast would give me away - I'd grown up with it, even before joining the Resistance. I pressed the cool bottle against my throat - damn, but it was hot in here. "So what did you mean? People are watching me?"

Tela laughed. "Looking at you, I said. Not watching. As in noticing - and favourably, I might add. There's something different about you tonight." Her glance turned wicked. "If I didn't know better, I'd say there was a special someone involved." 

I reached over the bar and shoved her, gently. "As if. You know the possibilities here. No one interesting."

Tela just kept looking at me, studying me.  I just smiled back at her. There was nothing for her to find, even if she suspected otherwise. Finally she leaned back and took a drink from her beer. "Ok, fine. Keep your secrets."

"There's no one to speak of," I protested. I wasn't going to say I had no secrets. That'd be silly. Everyone had secrets. 

"Whatever." Tela glanced out at the party. "But whatever it is that's making you happy, keep with it, dear. It's nice to see you so light."

 _So Light._ Why did my mind capitalise that? Then I remembered. Mr. Old's - Ben's - voice played in my mind. _“You are Light, Reya"_.

I smiled. Both of my friends were in agreement, it seemed. 

"I still think it's a guy," Tela said. "No one smiles like that for anything else."

I just shook my head and tried to change the subject. "Are you sure there's nothing you need from the port?"

Tela laughed. "Not everyone stays on the island all year, dearie. Most people manage to get to the space port, oh, at least every other month or so. And no, thank you. I'm very well set up here." A tall man came and leaned next to me, gawky limbs akimbo. 

"Fair lady," he said to Tela, "A pint of your strongest ale, if you please." I shoved him. 

"Haven't you had enough to drink, Madden?" My tech just grinned unrepentantly at me. 

"The only way I stop drinking is if you come back and dance with us," he glanced at Tela, “Did you know Reya was such a party animal? And a great dancer." I laughed. 

"Weren't you here last time?" I asked. "Or were you too busy making heart eyes at Jena to notice your boss letting her hair down?" I had danced with them, a bit, the last dance, I was sure of it.

Madden clapped a hand to his chest as though stabbed. "A hit, a veritable hit, oh boss of mine! Have mercy!" His joker-like personality was amplified by the occasion, turning him into one of those pre-space jesters from holovids.

I chuckled again. Madden was always a hoot. "Mercy given." I turned mock-stern. "But any suggestion that I am nothing less than the most fun person here will send you to petri dish duty, understand?"

Madden grinned. "Understood, and with great trepidation, Majesty."

"I'm no one's Majesty, Madden," I said, losing a bit of my fun. I only knew one royal. Then I shook it off. "Come on. I owe you a dance for that beer Tela's not going to give you." It was Tela’s turn to chuckle.

"But boss!"

"Nope," I said firmly, dragging him away with a tug to his forearm. "You're running the new titrations tomorrow. Can't be too hungover." We were headed back to where the other techs and their significant others had assembled, a motley crew of twenty-somethings in their best ‘let’s have a major blowout’ dress.

"Yes, boss," Madden grumbled. Then he brightened. "Can you do the droid?"

I sighed. "Which one?" I asked in my best long-suffering voice. I loved doing the droid. It was one of my favourite party tricks, and I hardly ever got to use it.

"Do a protocol droid," he said, and I grinned. 

"My dear minions," I told my assmbled techs with a grin. "Protocol droids are my specialty." And with that, I stiffened up my elbows and hips and began to turn to the music, swivelling the odd joint as robotically as I could, the kids hooting and hollering as their boss joined them in the shenanigans of the evening. 

 

——————

 

"Leaving so soon?" Sam leaned against the hallway that headed towards the door. 

I nodded, getting too tired to shout. And we were right by the speakers. I leaned close to his ear and spoke loudly. "Early start tomorrow."

Sam pouted. It was probably meant to be cute, but some combination of late night and drink made him miss the mark, at least where I was concerned. 

"Travel safe," he said, enveloping me in a beer-y hug. I stood there and patted his back awkwardly, vaguely uncomfortable. Sam was fine, but hardly one of my friends in town. Not someone I’d have chosen to hug, but not someone who I felt compelled to punch just because they touched me. I just nodded again as he let me go and waved.

The music faded and the temperature dropped as I made my way down the hallway, and I breathed deep as I ducked through the final doorway. That had been an interesting experience. 

I'd danced, I'd drunk a few beers, I'd talked with friends. It had felt normal, or at least as normal as I ever got anymore. Better than usual, in fact. I’d had fun. But I hadn't been able to keep my head from swivelling, from constantly being on the lookout for someone or something. It wasn't my hyper vigilance - it felt like I'd been looking for someone. But who? Everyone I knew was at the party. 

 _Except Ben._  

That thought stopped me for a second, and I leaned against the wall of the inn, enjoying the cool night air.

But I hadn't thought for a second that he'd actually show up. I hadn’t thought he’d come in, possibly without that hood, and dance with me. Had I? I certainly wouldn’t mind _him_ putting his arms around me.

Panic shot through me, making me shiver, and I continued to argue with myself as I shoved myself off the wall and started to make my way home.

 _No. No, I don’t think of him that way. He’s just a friend. A mysterious friend who I share fruit with. Come on. It’s not like we even talk. I just found out his name yesterday, for crying out loud. It’s not like I have_ feelings _for the guy. I know better. No. Not happening._

 _I don’t do_ feelings _any more._

I was practically running by this point, starting to feel exposed in the night and wanting to get back home as quickly as possible.

 _I just wanted someone I knew at the party. That’s all,_ I told myself firmly. _Who knows? Maybe letting his hair down would do him some good. If he even has long hair._ I relaxed, fractionally. _Don’t freak out. It’s all fine. He’s just a friend you wish would socialise more, that’s all. And you’re getting close to him - as a friend! It’s natural to wonder if he’d fit in with the rest of the people you know, with your other friends. You’re not attracted to him, you’re curious about him. You don’t make heart eyes, you aren’t sacrificing. Nothing out of the ordinary bounds of friendship. It’s all right._

_He’s not Falon._

By this point, I was almost home, and I half-ran the final steps to my front door, scanning my retinas by reflex more than anything else and diving inside. I found myself on my bed, shoes kicked off somewhere in the hall, knees up to my chin, motionless, waiting for the memories to swamp me.

“Oh, Falon,” I whispered, barely audible to my own ears. I remembered the sandy blond hair, always tousled because he was always in that helmet, the rakish grin, the green eyes, the way I felt wrapped up in him when he put his arms around me. I tried to not remember, every memory seeming to cause physical pain. My arms tightened around my shins.

I remembered joking around in the hangar, sitting next to each other at meals, returning to our cabin at night, kisses, touches.

And then, because I could never stop my brain, although I was screaming at this point for the flashback to _stop! Please! I don’t want to see this again!_

The report. Being called into the control room by one of General Organa’s aides. Feeling completely out of place in my greasy coveralls - everyone here was so clean. Being taken to General Organa herself, who pulled me aside, face even sadder than usual.

 _“Reya, I have some bad news,” she said. I just stood there. What could I say? And to a superior - no,_ the _superior officer. She put a hand on my arm gently, and fear made me still. “I’m sorry. Mr. Falon went down over Kessel. There were no survivors.”_

_“No,” I barely mouthed it. It couldn’t be possible. There were still things I had to tell Falon - I was going to apologise, to make things right - I -_

_He couldn’t be dead._

_“No,” I said, more audibly. I looked up at the General. “Are you sure, Ma’am? Are you sure there’s not some kind of mistake? That it wasn’t his…” I trailed off, looking at her expression. It was sympathetic. As if she knew what I was going through. Hell, she did know what I was going through._

_She’d lost someone too._

 

I jerked myself out of the flashback. I didn’t know how. Normally I would be reliving the pain of the moment, going through every minute of the day, until the funeral. Past the funeral. Past the end of the war, trying to heal the wound inside me until I realised it would always be there.

Until I accepted the hole, claimed to love it, lived in place after place after place, until I hit Kamino. Until I found the Twins, and my island, and a measure of peace. I shuddered, body aching where I’d tried to shiver but kept myself still. I glanced at the chrono next to my bed.

_Late._

“To bed,” I said aloud. “Clothes off, bed, wake up early, and to the spaceport. Things will look better in the morning.”

_I hope._


	7. Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reya gets a better look at that liner...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, y'all are awesome!! Thanks so much for reading this, and liking it, and commenting!
> 
> I hope you like the next few chapters. No Mr. Old (Ben), but we do get to find out a bit more about Reya. Ok, gonna stop talking now.

My hands slid reverently over the coupling.

“Aren’t you just _gorgeous,_ ” I whispered to the plasma converter, feeling the precise fit of the couplings, the edges of something that had been laser cut to insane levels of perfection, my hands coming away barely dirty.

I wiped them on my coveralls anyway. Dirt might not have had a chance to collect on the parts, but that didn’t mean the mechanics hadn’t used oil. And liberally.

“So, Ma’am, what do you think?” Fred asked, strolling over. I glanced at the redhead, who was grinning up at me.

“She’s beautiful,” I replied, running a now-clean hand over the bulkhead, gazing at the exposed converter again. “She and I were getting acquainted, weren’t we, darling?”

“You always did have a way with ships,” Fred commented, coming over to stand next to me.

“Always?” I raised my eyebrows at her. “And how old were you, when you first helped me on a ship, oh ancient one? About twelve, wasn’t it?”

Fred blushed, and I grinned. I loved that I could still do that, that Fred hadn’t grown up too much, in the eight years since the War. A few words, and she was still that eager kid I’d trained as best as I was able, the one who got as grubby I did, one of the only people I still stayed in contact with after all these years. I put a hand on her shoulder.

“Thanks, again, for letting me have a look - you’re sure the Chief Engineer won’t mind?”

She shook her head. “No problem, Chief. And our Chief’s kinda a fan of yours anyway. I figure my job is safe.”

“A fan?” I smiled, but I was confused. “I didn’t know I had those.”

Fred just shook her head. “Course you do, Chief.”

“I’m not a Chief any more,” I said.

“Course you are.” She said it stubbornly, as if nothing I said could change her mind on the matter, and walked off to the hatch. I sighed. When Fred’s mind was made up about something, there was no power in the universe that could change it for her. Fred turned. “Want to see the engine room?”

“Of course!” I grinned and followed Fred out of the hatch. We passed a few crew members, all in their company-issue coveralls, all who looked at me curiously, following Fred in my plain coveralls, without rank flashing or corporate blazon. But if any of them recognised me, or took issue with my presence, they didn’t say anything, and we made it through the twists and turns of the ship without incident, and one sudden left later, and I was in mechanical Paradise.

I was half-aware of Fred grinning up at me as I took hesitant step after hesitant step into the bay, mentally catalogued the two - no, three - other people in the bay, but most of my attention was caught up in the tech. All of the models had changed since I serviced star fighters for a living, changing in subtle and not so subtle ways. I tried to keep up - I was subscribed to every e-zine I could get my hands on, but it wasn’t anything like examining the real thing. I stepped over to the plasma chamber, scanning the readouts on the panel next to it.

Everything was fine - more than. Whoever was the Captain, and whoever was the Chief, they ran a tight ship. I queried the readouts - the chamber was a model I hadn’t seen, with new alloys in the inner housing, new magnets that kept the plasma from touching the walls. It looked like it was some new type of chemsteel that I hadn’t seen, so I made note of the name - maybe I could get some for the lab, do some tests on it, check its properties out for myself. But it did seem to make the chamber more efficient - less heat bleed from the electricity to the magnets, and -

“Chief Trno, as I live and breathe,” a voice said, loudly. It was low and female, with the snap of command, and I was turning before I even realised I’d moved, both from the voice and its tone.

Fred was standing next to a tall woman - she must be even taller than I was - a hand on her elbow that she was removing as I walked the few steps over. I noticed the shoulder flash on the newcomer’s uniform and extended a hand.

“Chief - I hope I’m not intruding - this is a lovely ship.” I scanned the woman’s face - regular features, piercing blue eyes, fair skin, more handsome than pretty, but a face that you would return to, because it was interesting. Currently, that face wore a smile and a faint flush.

“Never an intrusion to have Chief Trno on my ship, Ma’am,” she said, shaking my hand firmly and smiling. “Chief Gans at your service. Romola Gans.”

I glanced at Fred, who was grinning back at me. Clearly she’d been right about not getting into trouble with her Chief.

“Pleasure to meet you, Chief Gans,” I said. “I was just admiring the new plasma chamber - it’s not a model I’ve seen, but I’m a bit out of date.” I smiled as self-deprecatingly as I could.

“It’s the brand new model,” Gans said proudly, walking over to the readout again. I was just as glad to have another look at the thing. They were getting more power out of the thing than I remembered was possible. Maybe there was something in the trade journals that I’d missed?

“How do you get so much output?” I asked. If anyone knew, the Chief certainly should. “Not something I recognise either, I’m afraid.”

Gans grinned, winked at me, and keyed something on the readout, beckoning me to stand next to her. I did, but apparently I wasn’t close enough for her, because she moved towards me.

_Not ok._

I stepped away automatically, sirens in my brain flashing. Her eyebrows raised, briefly, unconsciously, and I realised I’d stepped back too far. Too far to be a normal response. I wanted to shrug, to apologise, but I did neither. I didn’t want to draw attention to it, so when Gans stepped back to allow me a clear view of the readout, not two seconds later, I stepped back towards her, making myself relax once more.

“See here?” she pointed at the schematic, and I lost myself in the engineering, Gans explaining, pointing things out from my left, but not getting quite that close to me again.

 

 

“But I don’t understand,” I said later, over coffee in the mess. Fred was still at my left elbow, her own caff cradled in her hands. I was opposite Gans, who I was trying to get to spill a little bit more about the inertial sump.

“What don’t you understand, Chief Trno?” she asked, eyes winking at me. I wished she’d stop doing that. I figured Fred hadn’t told her anything - no, I knew she hadn’t. Fred kept my secrets, and I kept hers. But I had hoped my lack of response would get the Chief to stop flirting with me. I didn’t flirt often any more, and definitely not with people who lived on ships. But I didn’t like people using my ex-title either.

 _Lesser of two evils,_ I told myself.

“It’s Reya, please,” I reminded her. “I’m no one’s Chief anymore. And I don’t understand how you get the new propulsor system to work with the inertial sump. Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t the coolant in the new propulsors react badly with the electrosteel?”

Gans wrinkled her nose, considering. “I honestly don’t know,” she said finally. “I’m really not on top of things on the materials side.” I nodded. I’d been the same way, or almost the same way. I hadn’t had time to indulge my intellectual curiosity until I gave up care taking my ships. Gans took a sip of coffee. “But you are?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Materials scientist on one of the neighbouring islands.”

“Materials scientist?” That was Fred, speaking up for the first time in a little while.

“Means I get to do all the nerdy shit I was complaining about not being able to understand when we worked together,” I told her. “I get to stress test a whole bunch of things from ship-builders and the like. It’s fun.”

Fred grinned and looked at Gans. “She used to have this list.” I groaned, but Fred continued anyway. “Well, she had lots of lists. But the one I’m talking about was inside her locker, and at the end of shift, she’d write everything she wanted to know about the problems we’d had - why this material failed and this other one didn’t, why this fix worked and the other one didn’t. Not that any of it mattered at the time, but every day, she added to that list. Didn’t you, Chief?”

I sighed mentally. There really was no use trying to get Fred to give up my title, clearly. I’d always be the Chief to her. And perhaps that wasn’t a bad thing. After all, she didn’t have my issues. She didn’t have my memories, and if I was an important person, someone she looked up to, why should I take that away from her?

“I think I used three different pieces of plast-paper,” I agreed. “And I wrote on both sides, as small and neat as I could. I still have it, in a box somewhere. When I went to get my degree, I made sure I got answers to every single question on those papers.”

“And do you feel like you know more now?” Fred asked.

I smiled down at her, willing myself not to get maudlin. “Oh, I know why machines fail now,” I told her. “It’s people that are still the puzzle to me.”

“Well, you should come bar-hopping with us anyway,” Fred said diffidently. “If that’s ok, Chief Gans?”

The blonde nodded. “Anytime you want to join us, Reya, you’re more than welcome.” I nodded. It was the polite thing to do. And it might be fun.

“A whole bunch of the crew - not just the people from Engineering - are going to one of the spacers bars tonight after end of shift. Wanna come?” Fred’s eagerness shone, and I couldn’t help but ruffle her hair. She half-shrieked and leaned away.

“How could I refuse?” I asked, “It’s not often I have a chance to grab a drink with old friends.”

 _But you see Ben all the time,_ a little voice in the back of my head reminded me. _You share your dried fruit, which is close enough to a drink that it doesn’t matter. What about that?_

I pushed the thought away. I wasn’t thinking about Ben just now, not when I was dealing with my old life.


	8. Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reya goes out with Fred and Chief Gans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked the last chapter - we're still at the port this time, and next time too.
> 
> So, yeah, feel free to like or send me a comment if you liked it (or if you didn't :) ). Comments are food for author-beasts!
> 
> Have a lovely day!

The beer here wasn’t as good as Tela’s.

I stared at the almost opaque blue glass and sighed. I’d hoped this would be fun. Spacers, all getting together, sharing stories - the fit-for-public-consumption ones, anyway - and having a good time. Instead, we’d migrated from the bar we’d started in to one of the dance clubs, where the music was so loud it vibrated inside my lungs and the clientele was… less than good.

I’d danced for half an hour before I got tired of the fingers and hands that tried to grope and touch. Thank goodness I’d held onto my temper by just breaking a few fingers, holding back the spacers that only realised I was being harassed after the fact, then heading to the bar to drown my sorrows in liquor. _Half-standard, shitty beer, more like._

But at least Fred was having fun. She was pressed up against a blue-skinned officer from her ship, who, in turn, was pulling her closer. Not that she could have been much closer - it would have been against the laws of physics. But she was giggling and smiling, with her hands around his neck as they danced. I smiled fondly. _Hopefully that goes somewhere - the officer seems nice - what was his name? He made a point to introduce himself, and I wondered why at the time. But seemed like an upstanding guy. Good for her._

“Hey,” Gans slid onto the stool next to mine. The woman cleaned up nicely, I had to admit, statuesque in the silky blue dress that seemed to reveal as much as it concealed. “You doing ok?”

I wanted to groan and slam my head into the bar. “Am I that obvious?”

She shook her head, then inclined her head at the barkeeper, nodding at my beer once. He hopped to it with such speed that I was impressed in spite of myself. “Nah,” she said finally. “I just noticed you weren’t dancing with us any more, and then I came over to the bar and you have a face as long as anything.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to take you away from your evening.”

“You didn’t.” She accepted the beer with a smile. “I was getting too warm anyway.” I smiled in sympathy. In the way of dance clubs on every world I’d ever been on, the dance floor, while dancing, was always five degrees too warm. “So. Back to my question. You’re awfully good at avoiding those, you know.”

“I know.” She arched her eyebrows at me, and I chuckled. “Ok, ok, done avoiding the question. I’m ok.” Her eyebrows didn’t lower. “Really, I’m good.”

“Of course. And Fred and the Lieutenant are just friends.”

“I am!” I protested. Gans looked skeptical. _Fine._ “At least, I’m as fine as I ever get any more.” Gans stayed quiet. “You really don’t want to hear this,” I told her. “It’s not fun. It’s depressing.” _I’m depressing, most of the time._

“I still want to hear,” Gans said. “Chief Trno-“

“Reya,” I corrected.

“No, for this, you’re Chief Trno. You’re the woman who singlehandedly ran the TIE fighters into the ground for the Resistance base on D’Qar, the only mechanic Poe Dameron ever trusted with his ship, and the only one to ever do work Rey and Han Solo were ever happy with. And we won. So when I see you, sitting here alone and unhappy, the least I can do is listen to why.”

“Oh.”

“That’s right, oh.” Gans grinned. “Now, get talking.”

“I never knew…” I began. “Fred talked about me?” I asked instead.

Gans looked over. “Yeah. Not that I didn’t already know some of it - you’re kind of a legend in our business. But I guess you knew that.”

“Actually,” I grinned as Gans looked surprised. “I was just trying to survive. We all were. Limits don’t mean much when the alternative is death.”

“Guess not.” Gans looked at her beer. “My parents wouldn’t let me volunteer. And then I was in a merchanter and trying to survive.”

“Fair,” I said. Then, sensing she needed some more reassurance. “Gans, no one in the War should judge others from staying the hell out. We all lost people, people we wish were still here with us. If you wanted to stay safe, well…. No one should ever judge you for that.”

Gans looked back up at me. “I thought I was supposed to be the one comforting you,” she said slowly.

“Nah,” I said. “From one Chief to another, you needed the moral support more than I did.”

“Sounds like you’ve got it all sorted out in your head.”

“Nah,” I repeated, taking another pull from my beer and winced as the flavour washed into my mouth. Too lukewarm, too carbonated. _If you only knew, Gans. But I can pretend. For Fred, so she doesn’t worry too much._ “Local brew’s better,” I said. “I’m just more used to it. We all had a crash course in dealing with our demons in the first few years. Now we’re as much better as we’re going to get, and it’s everyone else’s turn to deal.”

Gans shook her head. “Doesn’t seem fair.”

“Life isn’t fair, spacer.” I grinned.

“You sure you don’t want another dance?” Gans asked. “Since your beer isn’t up to snuff?”

She was beautiful, shadows over her collarbones, into her cleavage, the blue of her dress contrasting with her pale skin. I shook my head. “Sorry, Gans,” I said. “I think I’m done for tonight.” _It’s not you, Gans. It’s me._

“Never say I didn’t try,” she said, a little ruefully.

“You did,” I agreed. “I’m sorry. I’m just….” Not ready. Not interested. Broken. Any of those would have worked, and had the benefit of being true. But the answer I wanted to give was different.

_Why do I think I’m taken?_

“No worries.” Gans gave me a peck on the cheek. “Get home safe, ok? And stop by tomorrow, before you leave. Fred would miss you.”

“And I wouldn’t want to disappoint Fred,” I agreed. “I’ll be there.”

 

 

———————

 

I wandered. I was sober, not having drunk enough of that terrible beer to even get tipsy. The night was alive with people having a good time, bars pumping out loud music, shouts and singing, drunken caterwauling. I avoided the obviously drunk, swaying and meandering their way home, but stuck to the main thoroughfares. _Safety in numbers, even if half of those numbers are too drunk to help you._

I found a bench and sat, looking up at the sky for a minute. I could hire on to a ship, if I wanted. Most people would take one look at my resume and hire me on the spot, I knew, if only from my reputation. Gans had proven that. I could travel the stars again. Work on ships again.

Spend every waking moment reminded of the love of my life again.

Except that I wasn’t sure that was true, not anymore. I loved Falon. I had loved Falon, true. But we’d been young - I’d only been twenty when he’d died, he’d been a fraction older, the six months he’d lorded over me, always with that grin of his. He’d just turned twenty-one when he -

“When his fighter got shot down over Kessel,” I whispered, making myself say the words, out loud. I knew why it hurt so much, why I’d been unattached in the eight years since. I wasn’t an idiot, or at least, I tried not to be.

At Falon’s birthday party, the small celebration of the pilots and the other young people, Falon’s eyes had kept straying. Whether or not he’d have ever done anything was anyone’s guess - I certainly wasn’t impartial enough to make the call. But I’d kept my mouth shut until I couldn’t any more, and the night before he flew away for the last time, I’d yelled at him for it. And he’d yelled back at me, and we barely even said goodbye when he left.

I’d counted on his return, so I could apologise. He hadn’t cheated. And he was young, I’d thought. He could look, as long as he didn’t _do_ anything.

And now? I stood up and kept walking, the stars holding no comfort for me anymore. Fallon was a memory, a secret I kept deep inside. The man I loved was dead, and I tried to keep his memory sacred - he was an orphan, like me, so what if I was the only person who remembered him properly? I did my best to not think ill of the dead, and I regretted, more than I could ever say, that he died while we were arguing.

So it was safer. To keep myself alone. Who would want anyone who had panic attacks, who struggled with instincts the War had given her, who still slept with a blaster under her pillow almost a decade after the final battle?

Who would want someone who wasn’t even sure if they had any romantic love left?

It felt like Falon had taken it all, carried it with him, tainted it until it was just easier to jettison the lot instead of trying to salvage it.

 _It’ll be so nice to be home._ I pictured my view, and felt calm sweep over me. I actually smiled.

“Pretty lady, buy a gift for a friend!” It was one of the paddlers by the bar I was passing. I looked over, ready to give my apologies and move on, but something caught my eye. A glint of metal in the blue and green of the bar lights, so I wandered over.

“Good evening, pretty lady,” the old woman said, grinning through a few lost teeth.

“Hello,” I said, searching for the glint I’d seen from across the street, my fingers flashing red, then green, then blue.

“Looking for something for yourself, or for a friend?” she asked.

“I thought I saw something…” I said distractedly, just as my fingers landed on the greebly.

It was a fastener for the aft propulsors in the TIE fighter model Falon had flown. Not the one Poe had flown. That one was a generation year newer, and didn’t have the old-style fasteners. It was blackened and worn, something any mechanic would have tossed long ago. I turned it in fingers that I was shocked weren’t shaking. Someone had threaded it on a leather cord, to be used as a necklace. I could see the beauty in it, but then, I’d always seen the beauty in machine parts, old or new.

“Where did you get this?” I asked.

The old woman shrugged. “It was in a box of old parts. This one… she spoke to me, yes?”

“That it does,” I agreed. “How much?”

“For you, pretty lady, 50 credits.” It was a ridiculous price.

I shook my head, smiling. “We may be outside the cradle of civilisation, but that doesn’t mean we’re stupid, dear lady.” I turned the piece in my fingers again. The blackening wasn’t coming away in my fingers, which meant it wasn’t just grease - it was heat damage and wear and tear. The greebly had been on an actual ship. Which meant there’d be a serial number on it somewhere. “I’ll give you ten credits for it. And you’ll be lucky to get that.”

“Ten credits? Pretty lady, I will take a loss!”

“On a propulsor fastener from an out-of-date ship that’s in such bad shape that it’s not only changed colour, it’s deformed?” I couldn’t help but grin as her face dropped. “Dear lady, please. Twelve credits, or I walk away and make my own necklace.”

She grinned back at me. “Well, pretty lady, you drive a hard bargain. Twelve credits, as you say.”

I fished the money out of my pocket. “Thank you, dear lady.” _And now I have a present for Mr - for Ben. I said I’d get him something._ I picked up the greebly and the leather thong, putting it in the bag on my hip.

“May the Force be with you, pretty lady,” the old woman said.

“And with you,” I replied over my shoulder, heading off to my bunk. Space ports and other lifetimes were all well and good. But tomorrow I was heading home again, and I couldn’t wait to be back.


	9. Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reya says her goodbyes and returns home.

“Are you sure you don’t want to ship out with us?” Fred asked, “I’m sure Chief Gans would love to have you.”

“I’m sure she would, for about five minutes,” I said. “Then either I’d get in her way, or she’d get in mine, and the mother of all fights would ensue. Besides, Freddy. I’m happy here.”

Fred threw her arms around my middle. “You take care, Chief, ok? And reply to my messages, damn it, even if you don’t bother getting into the chats any more.”

“I promise, honey,” I said, wrapping my own arms around the petite girl. “And you take care too, please? Don’t let that Lieutenant do anything you don’t want to.”

Fred grinned up at me, letting me go. “Him? Oh, him I’ve got under control.”

“I didn’t doubt it for a second,” I said, ruffling her hair. This time, she just scowled, but didn’t move away. “Where are you headed next?”

“D’Qar,” Fred replied, and I stiffened automatically. “Want me to say anything to anyone there?”

“You don’t have to hide my existence, if that’s what you’re asking,” I said jokingly, choosing not to add that the last times I’d seen Fred, I’d asked her to do just that. “No, feel free to tell everyone I’m alive and well. Give the Terrible Two my best, if you see them, and same goes to our favourite ‘Best Pilot in the Galaxy’.” Something had settled, between last night and this morning. Now, somehow, I didn’t care who knew I was alive and well. I didn’t want to hide anymore, not from the people I’d once known. I liked my life, here on Kamino, on my little island, and I wasn’t going to leave it, or have it taken from me. Not by memories of the past, at least.

“Chief?”

“Yeah, Fred?”

“I’m glad you’re feeling better.” I knew she wasn’t just talking about today.

“Me too, honey. Me too.” I slung an arm around her shoulders. “Good luck, yeah, with the tests next month. Let me know how they go, ok?” Fred was sitting her own rating exams soon.

“Of course! Got doubts in me, Chief?” I couldn’t help but grin. Such bravado. It was completely Fred, and completely lovely.

“Never, Freddy.”

“Come to say goodbye?” We both turned to find Chief Gans in the hatchway.

“Chief Gans,” I said, taking the few strides over and extending my hand. “It was so nice to put a face with the name. And thank you, for showing me your ship. I really appreciate it.”

“Not a problem, Chief Trno,” she said. “It’s been an honour, having you aboard.” I shook my head, but she kept hold of my hand. “Really, Reya. All of the staff are walking a little taller today, knowing you’ve been here. Don’t discount yourself.”

“Aye, aye, Chief,” I said, sketching a salute. “Take care of my girl, now.”

Fred groaned. Gans just grinned.

“Will do, Chief.”

“If you’re ever back in Kamino, let me know,” I said. “Drinks are on me.”

“I’ll never say no to that.” Gans smiled.

“May the Force be with you. Both of you.” I slung my pack over my shoulder, much heavier than it had been a few days earlier, what with my new supplies. The greebly was still in the bag on my hip - I’d checked twice this morning.

“And with you,” Gans said, clapping me on the shoulder. Fred threw her arms around me again.

“It was good to see you, Chief.”

“You too, Freddy,” I said quietly. “I’m proud of you. Always.”

“We miss you. I miss you.”

“I miss you all too.”

“Come back sometime?”

“Maybe,” I said. Fred whooped.

“I’m holding you to that,” she said. “Take the Force with you, Chief.”

“You too, kiddo.” And with that, I strode out of the hatch and off the ship, feeling lighter than I had in years.

 

——————

 

I winced as my shoulder hit the bulkhead of the shuttle. This pilot was an idiot. _I_ could have flown the puddle jumper better, and I was a crap pilot. I sighed and readjusted my pack so it rested between me and the sharp edge I’d discovered with the fleshy part of my arm and settled in for the trip back.

_Back home._

I smiled. Not the cheery, chirpy smile I used around people, or the sarcastic one I used around idiots, but the small natural one. The one I recognised only when it faded from my face because I noticed the muscles relaxing. It was a fond expression, a quietly happy one. One I only wore when I didn’t feel the need to broadcast my happiness, I could just settle in and enjoy it.

The shuttle lurched again, and the smile dropped as I sent the pilot another flash of annoyance. It was ridiculous. I knew the flight was only about twenty minutes, and I knew that pilots that ended up running shuttle duty on Kamino, especially ones that ran from the port to home, weren’t the best of the best. But surely there must be some kind of regulation prohibiting pilots this bad?

I sighed and returned my thoughts to the view outside. Water that was more grey than anything sped past. I felt myself slipping back into the contemplative, almost meditative state that I found at the top of the cliff.

 _It’ll be nice to be back up there,_ I thought. _To see Ben._ I fought the reflexive panic that reared its head when I thought of Ben. He was my friend. It was normal to look forward to seeing him again. I thought of the greebly, tucked away in my pack. _Besides. I need to give him his present._

I’d bought presents for the other people at home - a scarf made of beautiful, almost transparent yet un-tearable parachute silk for Tela, candies and other treats for the people in the office, but that greebly necklace was the only thing that had reached out and grabbed me.

And I wouldn’t need to go back to the port anytime soon either. I had new boots, new clothes, plus some new tech I hadn’t been able to resist. I thought about Fred, about how nice it had been to see her, and spend time with her.

Maybe I would start up an engineering program on the island.

 _Where did_ that _thought come from?_ But even as I thought it, I knew. I’d been listening to Fred and Gans tell me how my reputation still stood, in the community of engineers. I’d been thinking about how I’d loved teaching Fred and the other kids of the Resistance base how to properly clean an engine, how to handle themselves aboard ship. It had been my salvation there for a minute, for the months that I did nothing but work and cry myself to sleep. Even food had been optional for a while.

 _You don’t need to decide just yet,_ I reminded myself as I felt the panic start to rise once more. _If it’s too much, you can not do it. You’re teaching anyway, right?_ I started the mantras that had kept me stable, but they weren’t quite enough, any more. I felt a sense of unease even as most of my brain soothed the worst of the incipient panic. It had been coming for a while, but I only realised it now.

I wasn’t ok with just surviving anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness, y'all are awesome!! Thank you so very very much for all of your kudos and comments - they make my day every time I get them!
> 
> Hope you liked this chapter - next chapter we're back on the Cliff, promise, and we get to see Ben again. Tbh, I was really anxious to start writing him again. He's always fun, being all stoic. It amuses this author beast greatly.
> 
> Have a lovely weekend!


	10. Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reya goes back up the cliff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're at 10 chapters already?!?! Hard to believe.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you all like this one - Ben's back and some shenanigans ensue.
> 
> Thanks for reading and commenting - I love you all!

_180._

_181._

_182._

“Hey!” I glanced up. Ben was on the stairs, above me, coming down. I’d never seen him on the steps before.

“Hey stranger!” I called back, grin spreading across my face. I half-jogged up the stairs, increasing my pace. “Long time no see!”

“Long time,” he agreed, or I thought he agreed. The wind had picked up here, and I couldn’t quite hear what he’d said. He turned and I followed him up the last set of steps.

“Who fixed the step?” I asked as I noticed the newly shifted earth and new stone of Step 197.

“I did,” Ben grunted.

“Why,” I teased. “It’s almost like you want people to come up and visit, being so neighbourly.”

He didn’t say anything to that, which I’d guessed. I’d pushed too hard, treated him like I’d treat Fred. Oh well. It was sometimes hard to remember I’d only known Ben a few weeks, known his name only a few days. I let it go. He’d come around. Or he wouldn’t.

We were both silent as we reached the edge of the cliff, standing almost shoulder-to-shoulder as we surveyed the view.

“I’ve missed this,” I said after a while.

“You were gone three days,” Ben commented.

“Still missed it,” I replied, unbothered. I unslung my pack, rooting around for the bag of dried fruit.

“It was… odd, not having you here.” I smiled into the pack. _There they are._ My hand brushed against the paper of the bag, pulling it out.

“Oh, and I got you something.” I pulled the greebly off of my neck - I’d been worried it would vanish in my pack, as small objects had a tendency to do, so I’d put it on, for safe keeping.

“You didn’t have to,” Ben protested, but he held his hand out - ungloved, today - as I held up the necklace.

“I know. I wanted to.” I let the greebly fall into his palm, lowering the leather so it looped around the metal ring. His fingers closed around it, finding the metal of the greebly and turning it over in his fingers as I had done. “It’s a propulsor fastener,” I said. “From one of the ships I used to work on.” _I wanted you to have it._ “If it’s… not your thing, if you don’t like it, no worries. I just wanted to get you something.”

“No,” Ben said, bringing his other hand up to pull the leather thong away from the greebly. I was entranced, watching his fingers, so much larger than my own, yet graceful, examine the fastener. “No, thank you, I… I like it very much. Thank you.”

I couldn’t help but smile. “You’re welcome.” His hand brushed the robe out of the way, depositing the greebly into a pocket with care. Of course he wasn’t going to put it on right away, not where I could see his face. I hadn’t been expecting anything else. What I hadn’t been expecting was the glimpse of Ben’s figure that I’d get as the cloak was pushed away.

I knew the man had broad shoulders - no cloak could add that much bulk, but he had narrow hips to go along with them, and unless I missed my guess, there weren’t too many excess grams of fat anywhere on him.

“Did you have a good time at the port?” he asked, cowl turned towards me. I started.

“Huh? Oh. Yeah, I did.” I unwrapped the fruit absently. “Turns out one of the crew of the liner I wanted to visit is one of my old friends from the War. She’s a mechanic there - going to be taking her rating exams soon.”

“You sound… proud.”

“I am.” I smiled. “Fred is…she’s one of the closest things I have to family any more. Like a kid sister - one I actually like. And she’s put up with so much from me. I’m just really happy she’s doing well at something she likes.”

“Fred?”

“The friend I was talking about. She’s short - five foot nothing when she stretches, frizzy red hair, and curious. Still, which I find incredible.” Silence. Then. “Oh, and I forgot!” I grabbed for my pack again, reaching inside, delving for the camera. “I promised I’d take a picture of the view for her,” I pulled the machine out from the pack and fumbled with the lens cap. “Guess I talked about it too much. Now she wants a picture.”

“Let me?” Fingers brushed against mine as I struggled - the lens cap wasn’t coming off as easily as I’d remembered. I nodded, let Ben take the camera. His fingers found the cap and dislodged it, letting it hang from the cord keeping it tied to the camera. Holding up the machine, he trained it on me, and the shutter clicked before I had a chance to say anything.

“Not of me!” I said, grinning, giggling and trying to dodge out of frame. “The view, Benjamin. Not the mechanic!”

He followed me with the camera, chuckling as the shutter clicked a few more times. I finally gave up trying to get out of frame - no matter how I dodged and ducked, he seemed to have a sixth sense for how I’d move and followed with the camera - and just strode towards him, set on getting the machine out of his grip.

I faked right, dodged left, then went right again, and somehow managed to get my hands on the camera. But then Ben’s boot kicked my feet out from under me, and I collapsed to the ground, falling on my ass and forcing all of the air out of my lungs. I gasped, rolling onto hands and knees as I tried to get my breath back.

“Reya?” Ben sounded concerned. His boots approached, and I lunged forward, swiping for one foot with both hands. He dodged.

“I’m fine,” I said, half-annoyed and half-grinning, making somewhat of a production of getting to my feet. “No thanks to you.” I made sure he could see my smile, that I was only joking. Somehow I figured he wouldn’t be sure he was forgiven if he couldn’t see my expression. He extended the camera.

“Here.”

I took it, fingers brushing as the camera changed hands. I switched the mode so I could see the pictures he’d taken. I felt him move behind me, and I tilted the screen automatically, so he could see the shots, if he wanted.

There I was, grinning, smiling a smile I didn’t know I still had, half-lunging left with the view behind me. There I was, face hidden. Another shot of me trying to get away from the camera. And then the first shot. I was stood, hand outstretched from where I’d given Ben the camera, looking just above the lens. I couldn’t read the expression on my face. It was like I was trying to figure something out. I recognised the slight furrow between my eyebrows, if nothing else. I realised I was staring, so I flicked back through the pictures, pausing again at the last one, the one where I was laughing, half-bent, staring at the camera.

“I like that one.” I started, and in that motion I realised Ben was _right_ behind me, only a few inches separating us. I looked at the picture again.

“Yeah, me too,” I said, thumb skating over the edge of the screen. “Maybe I’ll send that one to Fred as well.” I could feel where he was, as if I was a ship using radar, could tell exactly how far I’d have to move to have my back be flush against his front—

And I definitely wasn’t thinking about that.

“Right. Real picture time,” I said firmly, trying to get myself in line, stepping away from Ben as if I hadn’t been extremely aware of him so I had proper vantage for a picture.

I occupied myself for five minutes doing my best impression of a photographer, snapping pictures of every view I could think of. Of the horizon, of the steps in five angles. Ben had retrieved the dried fruit and was sitting on the top step, munching his way through them. I turned the camera on him in retribution, but something made me stop before I took the picture.

Sure, I could take the picture. It would be repayment in kind, and it wasn’t like the angle was revealing. His hood was up, you couldn’t even see his hands. And yet…

I lowered the camera. I couldn’t do it. For some reason, Ben wanted to keep himself to himself, and I couldn’t bring myself to get in the way of that. I knew what it was to want to hide.

Shutting down the camera and stowing it away, I sat next to Ben, oofing slightly as I dropped the last few inches onto bare rock. The familiar vista stretched in front of me, and I sighed happily, eyes cataloguing the differences since I’d been away.

The rustle of paper took me away from wondering exactly which of the con trails was the new ship inbound for the port today, and I looked down to find Ben extending the paper bag.

“Thanks,” I said, taking it and resting it on my lap as I delved inside. We sat in silence as I returned to my contemplation of the spaceport and the dried fruit.

“So, did you do anything interesting while I was away?” I asked, reaching the bottom of the bag of dried fruit. Instead of balling it up as I usually did, I busied my fingers smoothing the bag out flat, getting out the worst of the wrinkles.

“Nothing of importance,” Ben said. “It was quieter, without your visits.”

“Because I’m such a talker,” I said, starting to fold the bag in half, then in half again.

He chuckled. “It’s surprising how… used to your company I’ve become.”

“Thanks?” He chuckled again at my obvious dubiousness.

“It was meant as a compliment,” he said. “I’m not the most social person in the galaxy, but I never have trouble talking to you.”

“Oh.” The bag was now small enough that it would fit into the pack easily. “Well, thank you,” I said. “I like talking to you too.”

“I’m glad.”

Silence fell, and this time, it wasn’t exactly a comfortable one. It felt like I should say something to break it, but I had no idea what.

“Tell - If you don’t mind, that is, would you tell me the story of the necklace you gave me?” Ben asked, and I glanced over. I didn’t know why I’d bothered. His hood was up as always, so I didn’t see his face. Somehow, though, I knew he was genuinely curious.

“Sure,” I agreed. “It was two nights ago - Fred and her Engineering Chief, Gans, had invited me out with the rest of the crew - the traditional drinking and dancing of a last night in port.” I continued the story, fingering the folded bag and thinking back to the old lady at the spaceport, about the serial number that I still hadn’t looked up.

It was good to be home.


	11. Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the first monsoon of the year, but Reya heads up the cliff anyway.

_This is such a bad idea,_ I told myself yet again as I soldiered up the cliff steps. The rain was driving straight downwards, making every step treacherous.

_Idiot. You’re going to slip and fall, and there’s not going to be a Ben there to save your ass like there was last time._

And yet I kept soldiering upwards, checking my footing meticulously before every step, letting the warm rain gradually soak through my jacket.

_150._

_151._

_152._

_153._

 

 

……………………………………………

 

I sat on the top step, the rain still pelting down on my head. My hair was long-since drenched, and I wasn’t bothering to keep my eyesight clear any more, letting the rain drip from my eyebrows across my vision. Not that I could have seen anything anyway. The shower obscured everything that wasn’t three metres away, and I stared out into the grey nothingness, gaze fixed on the slightly blacker grey blob that was the spaceport, waiting for the calm that usually came with the view, wanting oblivion.

“Reya?!” The shout came from behind me, and I twisted and jumped at the same time.

Bad move.

I slipped off the step and onto the next two, jolting and scraping both arms as I scrabbled for balance. I swore as I slid to a stop, bringing my arms in front of me, seeing the red and brown-black of my journey.

“Reya!” The voice - Ben’s voice - came again, sounding worried, and I sighed, turned, and clambered up the steps once more.

I almost fell down the steps again in shock when I saw Ben, because I was actually _seeing Ben._

He was half-jogging towards me, dressed in his usual black, gloves and all, but without his cloak.

I could see him. See his face, which was long and yet somehow moon-shaped, the strong nose I’d caught glimpses of, full lips, brows drawn together, one hand shielding his vision from the driving rain.

I was getting to my feet, slowly, in shock both from the fall and from the sheer fact that I could see Ben’s face, when he skidded to a stop not a yard from me.

“Are you all right? You vanished over the edge, and I thought - What the hell are you doing here anyway?” His eyes skated up and down, narrowing as they focused, and his hand shot forward and grabbed my arm, pulling it towards him, gently, but inexorably. I took the few steps bemusedly, not feeling the need to protest as he drew me closer, twisting and bending my arm so he could see the scrapes.

I had no idea Ben had black hair. Long black hair that hid his expression from my gaze as he let go of one arm and took the other, giving it the same cursory yet casual examination he’d given the first. I felt… disconnected, as if everything wasn’t quite real, like I was in a dream. And yet I could feel the burning of the places I’d hurt, the rain pounding onto my head. It was real.

Exam over, Ben turned my hand over once more, one thumb brushing over the back of my hand, then let it drop back to my side.

“Come on,” he said, sounding tired. I felt myself frown in worry. “Let’s get you cleaned up.” He made to turn around, saw I didn’t move, turned back. “Reya. Are you all right?”

I nodded. “I’m fine.”

“Liar.” He said it fondly, lips quirking slightly at the corners in a half-smile. I was memorising every change of expression - who knew if I’d ever get the chance again. “Come on. We need to at least clean those cuts.”

“Ok,” I said, still in that half-fog, giving him the biggest smile I could muster - it was only a half-smile, and it faded as soon as I plastered it to my face, but it was the best I could do. “Lead the way.”

Glancing at me with one eyebrow raised, Ben turned and headed towards the last set of steps, the ones I’d never actually used. I followed a step behind, noticing how his longer legs meant I had to walk more quickly to keep up, my new aches protesting as I went. I ignored them.

My pace dropped as I started the steps. There were only twelve of them, but Ben practically bounded up them, and I took them more slowly, one at a time, making sure I had both feet on a step before continuing. I’d already fallen down once today. I didn’t want a repeat.

Ben was waiting at the top, brows furrowed. I wanted to snap at him for worrying about me - didn’t he know that I’d be fine? That I was always fine? And how the heck could I read his face so easily anyway?

That one I knew the answer to as I motioned for him to keep going, still in my daze, still waiting for something, anything, to jerk me out of the dream-like state I was in. I’d been able to read Ben’s moods when all I had to go off of was a cowl and a cloak. Now I had his expressions too. It wasn’t rocket science. Not that rocket science was that difficult either.

Ben ducked under a hangar’s roof, out of the rain, then turned to look at me. Worry, concern, frustration.

“You can wait here, if you want,” he said, and I could almost feel him wanting to pull me out of the rain. “I… I need to go inside, to grab supplies, but if you want to stay out here…”

“I’m not afraid of you, Ben,” I said, stepping underneath the hangar with him. _As if._ “Go, get what you need.” He stared at me for a few seconds, then shook himself, almost like a wet dog climbing out of a lake and darted off into the bowels of the cave.

I really should have looked around. It might be my only chance to see Ben’s home, after all. But I wasn’t up for it. All I’d wanted was to be alone that afternoon, to scream at the sky, or just sit in the rain. I was already overwhelmed - this extra input was too much, I couldn’t process it.

 _No._ Chief Reya Trno’s voice was firm in my head. _You idiot. You’re strong enough for anything. Now, you don’t want to look around Ben’s place, that’s your business. But you are_ not _allowed to shut off again, you hear me? You know what happened last time._

 _Yes, ma’am._ I looked around, saw a simple bench to my left and lowered myself gingerly onto it, feeling every scrape on my back. I wondered if any of them had broken the skin and raised one of my arms to take a look at the damage for myself.

Sure enough, there was blood mixing with the rain and the dirt, and I winced as I poked a finger at one of the scrapes.

“You must have scraped along the stone of the steps,” Ben said, and I jerked my head up to see him hurrying back with a bowl and some bandaging.

“Thank you,” I said softly.

“Don’t mention it.” I stiffened as he knelt at my feet, setting up his supplies on the bench next to me. He glanced up at me, lips quirking up at one side, then took my right arm. He’d taken his gloves off, and his hands were warm and dry. I tried not to shiver.

Gently, he cleaned the wound, frowning in sympathy when I tensed and hissed in pain myself. His head was bowed over my arm, so I couldn’t see his expression again, but it didn’t matter. His hands were gentle on my arm, intent on causing me as little harm as possible.

He worked in silence, drying and covering the shallow gash in ointment and gauze before wrapping it, then moving on to my other arm. I watched him, not feeling the need to comment, content to let him help me. And I refused to think about how rare it was for me to let someone help. It wasn’t like I could get either of the cuts effectively, running up the backs of my arm as they were.

“There,” he said, tucking the edge of the last piece of bandage under the edge of the wrapping. He looked up at me, and I discovered his eyes weren’t black, or dark brown. They were some kind of dark hazel-brown, not light enough to be true hazel, but not dark enough for just plain brown either.

“Thanks,” I said, glancing down at my arm, covered in bandages up to the middle of my upper arm. I started to giggle, then to laugh, and suddenly I was bracing myself on the bench to keep myself upright with Ben looking at me as if I’d sprouted another head.

“Sorry,” I said, when I could speak again. I’d found it - the fog was gone, I was back in reality again. The rain was pounding more loudly against the cave’s roof, and my head was clear. “It’s just - my arms, the bandages - they remind me of an acquaintance of mine.”

Ben frowned, then his face went completely blank. I waited a few beats, then a few more.

“Ben?”

His head shook again. _Brushing off the cobwebs,_ I thought with a smile. “Sorry.” In one smooth movement he was upright. “May I?” he asked, gesturing to the bench.

“Your bench,” I said, smile broadening as I moved the supplies to my far side. He sat, and we watched the rain come down.

The monsoons had come early to the island this year, and the ground was unprepared. The sea green grass was already almost swimming in water, and still the water fell from the sky. I peered at the clouds. We had about another half hour of rain left, I estimated. Until tomorrow, when the whole process would start again. Work schedules would have to change. During monsoon season, I let people have the morning off, then come to work in the afternoon and evening for longer hours when they’d have to be inside anyway. But I hadn’t anticipated making that change for another week or so.

“Tell me,” Ben started, then stopped.

“Hm?” I’d been switching rotas in my head.

“You don’t have to answer - but I was wondering - why the hell did you venture up here in a rainstorm? You could have been hurt much worse, and if you’d fallen further down, I wouldn’t have heard you.” He did that shrinking thing again, where he seemed to collapse in on himself without moving. It was as if he was trying to take up as little space as possible, and how a man as big as Ben was managed to do that was completely beyond me.

“That.” I weighed my options. I could answer. I could tell Ben. I could keep silent. But how fair was that? The guy had patched me up, and let me see his face. I was prepared to bet that if I hadn’t surprised him today, I’d still be thinking of Ben as a faceless blob. So I had to tell him, really. More than that, I wanted to.

“Can I see that greebly, the one I gave you the other day?” I expected him to get up, to grab it from wherever he’d put it down, but his hands went to his throat, pushing the neck of his shirt down so he could grab the leather tie and lift it over his head.

 _He’s been wearing it,_ I thought, a bit overwhelmed again as I held out my hand for the greebly. The metal was warm underneath my fingers, and I held it closer to my face, double checking the remembered numbers.

 _3026527258._ I hadn’t been wrong. I was hoping I’d been wrong. I passed back the greebly. “Thank you.”

“Not a problem. May I ask why?”

I half-laughed. “You already did,” I said, and tried to smile. It worked about as well as it had done earlier. “Do you remember what I told you about it earlier? That it’s off one of the ships I used to work on?”

Ben nodded, and I turned my gaze to my hands, unsurprised to find them twisted in my lap.

“That’s true, as far as it goes. I had four of those that I worked on during the War.” My stomach twisted, but I kept going. “The serial number of that particular part - I thought I remembered the number, so I checked it today - one of the experiments I was running requires a lot of downtime for the samples to run.” I realised I was talking in circles. “I know people don’t speak of the War, or they talk of nothing else. And I don’t want to be the latter.” Ben’s chuckle was just as mirthless as my smile had been. “But I had someone during the War, a man I loved. His name was Falon, he was a pilot in the Resistance.

“His ship went down near Kessel. There were no survivors, and the ship was completely destroyed. Or so I thought.” I couldn’t, didn’t dare look up at Ben to see his reaction. My knuckles were turning white in my lap and I could feel the tears beginning to burn behind my eyes. _I will not cry._ “Turns out I was wrong. That propulsor fastener is from his ship. I installed it myself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd say sorry for the quasi-cliffhanger, but it was either split the chapter here and have something to post, or make the chapter twice as long and make you all wait, which I didn't want to do. So I hope you don't kill me! *cowers behind monitor*
> 
> Seriously, though, let me know what you think!!!


	12. Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reya explains the greebly, then promptly loses it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this was a bear of a chapter, but I think (hope!) I got it right. Anyway, here's more Reya and Ben, and I hope you like it!

“That propulsor fastener is from his ship. I installed it myself. I looked it up today. All the ships logs are in the registry now, so people can source parts.” There was a tightness in my throat, so I cleared my throat. Well, I tried. It came out more like a half-sob. Ben started to move next to me, stopped, then reached out and put an arm around my shoulder. And I was weak. I curled into him, coming closer as his arm tightened, and hid my face in his shirt. I hated myself all the while. I didn’t deserve Ben’s comfort. Not when I might have caused Falon’s lack of focus. Not while I still had doubts about him, about us. I didn’t deserve it, because I’d lived and he hadn’t.

Ben’s other arm wrapped around me, tightening around one of the scrapes. I shifted slightly, curling more into him instead of away. At least Ben wasn’t talking, wasn’t asking me what was wrong. I could let my tears fall, sobbing but trying to not make any sound other than my laboured breathing as he held me.

As my sobs grew less frantic, Ben grew bolder, rubbing one hand up and down my back in what was supposed to be a soothing manner. It wasn’t his fault he hit the scrapes from my fall. I did hiss in pain this time, and he stopped instantly, drawing that hand away from me in a second, relaxing his other arm as well - so I could get away if I wanted to.

“The fall,” I said. “I’m… god, I’m sorry, Ben.” _You were only trying to help._

“You’re still hurt?” I could hear the imminent self-loathing. It was something I was familiar with, after all. I half-turned so I could move my arms again.

“My back,” I said. “Don’t think it broke the skin, but I scraped down a few stairs.” I sniffed, wiping my face on the handy bandages on my arms.

“Let me - may I see?”

 _Couldn’t hurt to have someone actually look at them instead of trying to fumble around with a mirror yourself._ “Sure.” I spun, lifting my shirt up past my bra, exposing the skin of my back. I heard him breathe in, but not out. “That bad?” I asked.

“No,” Ben said, but he didn’t sound sure. A gentle touch made me jump.

“Sorry,” I said. “You were fine. Just surprised.” Somehow he needed the reassurance more than I did just now. How I knew that, I had no idea, but it was incontrovertibly the truth. The gentle touch of fingers returned, tracing the edges of the burning that I assumed were the scrapes.

“So, doc, what’s the diagnosis?” I tried to keep my tone light, but Ben’s fingers on my back were affecting me more than I wanted to admit. He was just so damned careful with me.

“You were right,” he said finally, fingers tracing the final line of fire before retreating. “Nothing broke the skin, but you’ll have a few lovely bruises.”

“Thanks,” I said, pulling the shirt down, wincing when the fabric hit impending bruise.

“I didn’t do anything.”

I turned back to face him, disbelieving. “Right. You took me home, fixed my cuts, let me cry all over you, and you did nothing.”

“It’s what anyone would do.” Ben looked out onto the rain, and I glanced at the sky myself. The pouring was starting to let up - we’d get maybe another fifteen minutes of rain before it stopped entirely.

“If you ever meet this anyone that’s so altruistic, let me know,” I told him, bumping his knee gently with mine. He turned back to face me, and I ducked my head under his gaze. There was too much awe there for my liking. I didn’t deserve that. Any of that. “But yeah. Thanks, Ben. I really appreciate it.”

“Don’t mention it,” he said finally, and I ventured a glance at him. He was looking out at the rain again. And I knew it was selfish, and wrong, and I regretted it the minute I started, but I looked at him. I looked at the way his nose was slightly hooked, the way his face could have looked forbidding, or at the very least unhandsome, but somehow wasn’t. I memorised his face as if I might never see it again. The way I should have done with Falon’s.

All the air escaped my lungs in one long exhale.

Ben glanced over, one eyebrow raised.

I shook my head. “Memories,” I replied. I could remember Falon’s face, if I tried. And I didn’t try that often. I had one holopic, of both of us against his TIE fighter, squirrelled away, and I didn’t look at it often either. So he was vanishing. Like his body. Like his ship.

And I wasn’t sure I could make myself remember him, keep remembering him, in such vivid detail. I might be a coward, for not wanting to remember his skin on mine, his head on my shoulder, my hand in his, the way we fit together like two puzzle pieces. But I didn’t want the pain.

“Rain looks like it’s going to stop soon.” Ben’s voice shook me out of my reverie. I tore my eyes away from his face - how long had I been staring anyway? - to glance at the sky again.

“Yeah,” I agreed.

“You said something, once, about our generation, about the people who grew up during the War.” Ben kept looking out at the rain, as if it was giving him answers. “About the difference between us and the next generation, the people a few years younger, who didn’t. I’ve been thinking about it lately. A lot, actually.” He half-chuckled. “Not much else to do up here but think. Guess that’s why I like it.” I half-laughed in return, looking out of the hangar as well. We might have been on the topmost step, passing the bag of fruit back and forth. “Whatever.” He glanced down at his hands. “I think it’s memories. Memories are the thing that separates us from the kids. Things we did, things we didn’t do. Things we were forced to do, forced not to do. Things we weren’t ready for, but that are done, and can never be undone.

“They don’t have any of that, the younger ones. They don’t understand the fear of being waiting for someone to come home as a grown adult, the way it’s different than when you’re a kid, because you feel like you should be doing something about it, because you’re a grown up, but there’s nothing you can do. They don’t understand, most of them, regretting something you’ve done, being willing to give your life to change something, but it not mattering. Because what’s done is done, and no one can change that.

“So when push comes to shove, that’s the difference. Today, in this moment, the thing that separates you from your lab techs, is the memories you carry.”

I sat in silence, thinking, watching the rain become drizzle.

“That’s the most words you’ve ever said in one sitting,” I said finally, and Ben chuckled, a real laugh, echoing off the walls of the hangar.

“Guess so.” I didn’t have to check his expression to know he was smiling, so I shoved him with one shoulder, and he almost went sprawling, barely catching himself with a hand on the edge of the bench.

“You’re not wrong, though,” I said. “About the memories.”

“Thought it might interest you. I didn’t think people talked so much about it.”

“I don’t usually.” _Am I bothering him with this? Am I really talking about it so much?_ My mind began to spiral. “Just… with you, I guess.”

“Huh.” I couldn’t identify his tone, but I wouldn’t look at him either.

“I… I’m sorry, I didn’t realise I was doing it so much.”

“Don’t.” Ben almost snapped it, and I glanced at him before I realised I was doing it. He was looking at me, and I saw his expression change. Sadness, regret, worry. “Don’t be sorry,” he said, more softly. “We all need people to talk to.”

 _So who’s yours? Who do you talk to?_ I wanted to ask, but there were some things I just knew not to ask.

We sat in silence as the rain petered out. I was focused on the last drops falling off the hangar’s edge when Ben spoke again. “So why did you decide to come up here of all places? I mean, where there’s rain there’s lightning.”

“Where _did_ you grow up?” I asked before I could stop myself. “I know, I know. You don’t want to answer that one. Please, forget I asked.” I smiled, and for the first time that day, it felt natural. “For one thing, this is monsoon season. No lightning during monsoon season. So I was safe, apart from getting wet. As to why here?” I paused. “This has become the place I go to get away, I guess. I feel safe here, and town was… too loud today. Too many people.”

“And one hermit sounded like the correct population density?”

“The perfect population density.” Ben’s teeth flashed as he grinned at me before ducking his head away. “To be perfectly honest, I probably wasn’t thinking that clearly anyway, as I was coming up here. I just wanted to get away. Not many people know about Falon in town.”

“Falon?”

“The man I loved.”

“Oh.”

I shook my head. “And now I’ve gone and completely wrecked the conversation again. I’m sorry about that.” The rain had completely stopped, and the sky was beginning to clear. I put my hands on my knees and stood with a sigh.

“Like I said,” Ben replied, standing as well, “Don’t be sorry.”

 _Too late._ I smiled anyway. “Sir, yes, sir.” I sketched a salute. “And thanks, again, for patching me up. I really do appreciate it.”

Ben frowned as I saluted. “Is that the mechanic’s salute?”

“It’s the one I learned on D’Qar,” I said, shrugging. “I think everyone used it…”

Ben raised his own shoulders. “Looks different to the one I’m used to.” He turned and went to a rack on the nearby wall.

“I like to think it has panache,” I said, “It’s scruffy but efficient. Exactly like us mechanics, I guess.”

“I never thought of you as scruffy,” Ben said, taking a wrap off the rack and bringing it over.

“Yeah, the picture of elegance, that’s me.” Ben didn’t say anything to that, just offered me the brown wrap. I looked at it, then at him.

“Take it,” he told me. “The wind picks up here after a storm. You’ll get sick if you go home in only wet clothes.”

“But-“ I started to say. He just shoved the wrap practically in my face.

“Take it. You don’t live at this height. I do.” My fingers closed around the wrap, folding into the soft knit. I hadn’t been expecting the fabric to be so light, but it was obviously also incredibly warm.

“I’ll bring it with me the next time I come up,” I promised. The thing had to have been incredibly expensive - a knit of this caliber, in this fabric?

Ben waved it off. “Don’t worry about it.”

 _I’ll bring it back, you lug,_ I thought. _I can’t steal this from you._

Ben glanced at the sky again. “You should probably go - it’s getting dark earlier and earlier now.”

I nodded. “Sounds like a plan. Don’t want another fall today.”

“Take care, Reya.”

“I’ll take care of this,” I shot back, smiling and winding the wrap around my shoulders, having to work not to snuggle into it like a cat as I felt exactly how soft it was against the delicate skin of my neck. Ben just looked at me.

Suddenly uncomfortable, I took a few steps towards the edge of the hangar.

“May the Force be with you,” he said, and I half-turned.

“You too, Ben,” I said. “See you soon.” He smiled, and I couldn’t help but pause, recording the expression.

“Soon,” he said, and then I turned and headed out, back down the steps and into town.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think? Anyone have ideas what the fibre of the cloth should actually be? I'm thinking some cashmere equivalent.... Yum.
> 
>  
> 
> Anyway, if you wanted to check me out on tumblr, I'm stonegirl77.tumblr.com there if you want to say hi. I promise to say hi back!


	13. Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a chilly morning, and Reya wears her scarf to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe it's the end of January, guys! It seems like yesterday that I opened up the document for the first chapter of this!. *sniffs melodramatically* And now it's growing up so fast.
> 
> Anyway, this chapter's a little shorter, but I hope you like it!

"Morning, boss," Madden said as I stepped out of my front door. "Nice scarf - that new?"

I shrugged, grabbing the cup of caf he had for me. "Morning, Madden. And I don’t know - a friend lent it to me." I took a sip of caf and sighed. The first hit of caffeine of the day was always the best. I watched my breath form fog in front of me as we walked the rest of the way to the lab. 

"Looks like one of those replicas - you know, the Victory Scarf ones?"

"Oh gods," I said, almost dropping my cup in surprise. "That's why the damn thing looks so familiar." I'd taken it off once I'd arrived home and hung it up to dry, then stared at it for a full five minutes, trying to figure out what about the deep tan fabric seemed so odd. Of course - I’d seen the original. On General Organa, on Victory Day. _Why does Ben have a Victory Scarf?_

"And you just need the braids, boss. Then you'll be doing your best General Organa impression."

I chuckled. "Are you saying I need a scarf and braids to strike fear into my subordinates, Madden?" I glared at him in my best mock-fierce expression. 

"Not at all, boss," he said, grinning, holding both hands up in surrender. "You're plenty scary without any accoutrements."

“Accoutrements? Such a long word for so early in the morning," I teased, snuggling into the scarf. It certainly was warm, this thing. I'd forgone a jacket the past two days simply because I had the scarf. I was going to give it back to Ben that afternoon, but hadn’t been able to resist wearing it one last time. I just needed to run it through the refresher at work before I left. "Sounds like you're ready for work?"

"That's one way of putting it," Madden agreed. "Another is that I have a date tonight."

"Oh?" My eyebrows rose - I hadn't realised Madden was actively looking for someone. Not after the fiasco with his last… conquest. 

"With the new _Shipboard_ \- it comes in today, right?" My eyebrows tried to dislocate and fly past my hairline. 

"You read _Shipboard_?" My voice jolted an octave and a half in my surprise.

"Best magazine for engineers, spacers and those who wanna be, right?" Madden replied nonchalantly.

I settled the scarf around my shoulders again as we took the last turn into the lab, thinking. I gave the scarf one last absent-minded stroke as I spoke. 

"So is that what you want to do? Become an engineer on a ship?"

Madden sighed. "I guess." He looked as downtrodden as I'd ever seen him, which, truth be told, wasn't much. Madden had what would have been called a Joker's Mentality in the vids he and the others loved to watch. "But fat chance of it here. I mean, I like working for you, boss, don't get me wrong - it's a hell of a lot more interesting than anything I’d get to do working nearer the port. And with no way to get my foot in the door through certs and ships scarce? No thanks.  But the stars, you know. They call to you."

I nodded. It had been the same way for me, after the War, stranded on D’Qar. "And if someone were to run a class, to prepare people for certifications and exams? Someone with clout?"

"And who's that?" Madden asked, eyes narrowing. 

We were at the lab. I chugged the last of my caf, grinned at Madden, the opened the door. "My full name's Reya Trno, you know. Chief Reya Trno." I had the distinct pleasure of watching Madden's jaw drop before I ducked through the door and into the lab. 

I walked through the lab, turning on lights, waiting for Madden, counting in my head.

 

_1,   2,   3,   4,   5._

 

The door opened, crashing against the wall. “You’re _Chief Trno?!_ ”

I kept going through the lab, glancing at the readouts on the various experiments. _I think I’ll play this one cool. Madden’s too much fun to mess with._ “Yup.”

“As in, _the_ Chief Trno, the one who kept the TIE fighter squadron going long after they should have been scrap?”

“Still don’t know how we managed that one,” I commented drily. I was at the caf station, and I switched it on, hands moving almost automatically as they completed the practiced motions.

“And you’re here? Of all places?”

“I like it here,” I said, sounding a bit miffed. I finally let myself turn to face Madden. He was leant dramatically against a bench.

“And why aren’t you still fixing ships?”

My humour vanished at that. Down the drain in one instant, reminding me exactly why I didn’t tell anyone both my first and my last name. Ever. Madden saw my expression change.

“Oh. Sorry boss. My bad.”

“It’s ok, Madden. I won’t hold it against you. The War screwed us all up.”

Madden shook his head. “But you were thinking about teaching classes? I mean, that’s pretty much what you were implying, right?”

I managed a rueful grin. Nothing could keep Madden down for long. It was one of the many reasons I liked having him around.

“Yes, I was thinking about it,” I said. “Assuming people are interested.”

“Ass- Assuming people are interested?” Madden spluttered. “I can give you a list of at least ten names right now, if you like. A chance to be taught ship engineering by Chief Trno? Most of us would give our right hands for that.”

“You wouldn’t be very useful as an engineer with only one hand,” I told Madden. “And would you mind keeping this under your hat for now? I still don’t have any of the details set.”

Madden nodded. “Yes, boss.” He grinned. “Or should that be ‘aye, aye, Ma’am’?”

I glared at him. “Yes, boss, if you please, Madden. I’m not part of the Resistance any more.”

The door swung open. “Who’s not part of the Resistance any more?” Ichio walked in, wrapped up in five different scarves. “It’s bloody freezing outside - how do you cope?”

I glanced at Madden. “Oh, just arguing about whether General Organa is technically part of the Resistance any more - as she’s the leader of it, and all.” He stuck his nose in the air. “And to answer your other question, my dear, the reason the boss and I don’t need the sixty layers you insist on wearing in this bit of chill is that we don’t come from Tatooine.”

Ichio shot Madden a rude hand gesture. “I dare you to do better, coming from a desert planet.”

“Children, children,” I said, taking the first cups of caf over. “Stop arguing and drink. We’ve got work to do today.”

“Yes, boss,” they chorused.

“When do we swap to monsoon schedules?” Madden asked. “As they’re early and all.”

“I’d love to swap now,” I said, sighing and going to grab my own cup of caf. “But we have a few experiments that need morning checkups. So two more days.” _And I’m going to end up going up the cliff in the rain again,_ I thought mournfully. _At least this time I’ll be prepared for it. And I don’t want to not go just because of some stinking rain. But the sad truth is, however good the shield is, some rain’s going to get through. Best accept it and move on._

“Ok,” Madden said, slamming down his empty cup of caf. “What’s on the rota for today, boss lady?”

_Focus on the lab this morning. The cliff can take care of itself. Ben too._


	14. Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reya's back at the Cliff to return the scarf and share some news. It doesn't go exactly how she expects.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter almost didn't get posted today. I had a draft and completely scrapped it this morning - it just wasn't working. But I promised Pharm the posting schedule would remain, and it has. 
> 
> So go Pharm!! 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

“I wondered if you’d come today.” It was amazing how a half-shout could sound so declarative, I thought, smiling and looking up.

Ben was at the top of the last flight of steps, hands on hips, looking down at me.

“Wouldn’t miss it,” I replied, and in tilting my head, I saw a few raindrops hit the shield around me, sparking blue as they impacted. _Pretty._ “Neither rain, nor sleet, nor the fire of my enemies, etc. Etc.”

I heard Ben chuckle, and half-jogged up the last few steps. “I’m surprised to see you using a shield,” he commented as I reached the top. “I would have thought you’d rather not use one.”

“Normally you’d be right,” I said, patting my backpack. “But this time I’ve got precious cargo.”

“Worried about the dried fruit resuscitating?” Half of Ben’s mouth pulled up in a smirk.

“Worried about your Victory Scarf getting wet, actually,” I shot back.

We’d started moving towards the final staircase, although I was hard-pressed to say whether Ben had moved first or I had. My boots sloshed through the sodden grass, squelching underfoot, and I was suddenly very glad for the shield. Whether I cared about getting wet or not, sometimes it was nice to have the option to be dry.

Ben certainly wasn’t though. He took the stairs first, and I had an excellent view of the way the water moulded his shirt to the muscles of his shoulders, to the line of his spine, down to - I jerked my gaze away before I could start staring at my friend’s ass. No good came from that.

“You know…” Ben said when we were both at the entrance to the hangar - we’d both paused, waiting for the other to do something. “You know I… You didn’t have to bring the scarf back.”

“I said I would.”

“It was supposed to be a gift.”

“Oh.” I looked at my boots, water creeping onto the toe despite the best efforts of the shield. “That’s a… very nice gift.”

Ben waved it off. “What am I going to do with a lady’s scarf?”

“Give it to a lady?” The crack was out before I had a chance to think about it.

“That’s what I did.” Ben shook his head, a bit like a dog after its bath, then moved to stand under the hangar. I hadn’t moved when he turned. His lips twitched. “Do you want to stand out there forever?”

“No,” I said, and walked to stand next to him. I deactivated the shield once I was under cover and we both stood there, watching the rain fall. “Ben?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks. For the scarf.”

“Don’t mention it.”

We continued to stand there, lost in our own thoughts, for a while. It occurred to me that it must look odd, me in my grey exercise gear, with a pack on my back, with bare arms, and him towering over me, sodden, dressed all in black from neck to wrists to boots. My stomach suddenly rumbled, and we both looked at it in astonishment.

“Guess it’s time for snacks,” I said, pulling the pack around to my front. I glanced at Ben. “Don’t you want to change out of those wet things?” I grinned. “I seem to remember someone telling me that you’ll catch your death up here. It gets chilly.” Ben’s eyes flashed, then he forced a small smile. I didn’t know what I’d said. Maybe the teasing had been too much.

“Dry clothes would be nice,” he said finally. We’d locked eyes, me trying to figure out where I went wrong, him seeming to search for… something. “But… There are no walls.”

“I won’t look,” I promised. He seemed too hesitant for me to smile now. “Promise.” He paused, then nodded and spun, going farther into the hangar. My gaze followed him for a minute before I remembered my promise not to look and I snapped my head back to the rain-covered landscape. I found the bench we’d sat on the last time I’d been up here and plonked myself down, fighting the near-constant temptation to turn my head and see what Ben looked like underneath the constant fabric.

But I’d promised. And I kept my promises. I remembered the other reason for my good mood as I unpacked the snacks.

“Hey, Ben?”

“Yeah.”

“I think I’m buying a ship.”

“What?” The exclamation sounded muffled, and I fought not to turn around, to see Ben with his face stuck in another black shirt.

“I’ve been thinking,” I said, pitching my voice just barely higher than normal. “I have the money, and it’s something I’ve wanted ever since I was a kid. Not that I can fly worth shit.”

Ben’s chuckle moved, and I turned my head cautiously to see him walking up to the bench, reclothed and with a towel in his hair. Something in my chest lurched at the sight, but I ignored it. He looked like a puppy, with his wet hair going in every direction.

I beckoned him over. “Let me do that.” He sat next to me, puzzled, and I passed him the dried fruit before taking the towel. “Turn.” I shook out the towel before draping it over his head and massaging gently, trying to get the worst of the water out of Ben’s hair without tangling it.

“About your ship,” Ben said abruptly.

“What about it?”

“Tell me more - what kind of ship are you thinking of getting? And why all of a sudden?” The questions came quickly.

I was making him uncomfortable. I made one last pass with the towel and sat back. “All done.” Ben turned back slowly, and I set the towel on my far side. “The why’s easier than the what. I’ve been thinking about getting into repairing ships again - or at least, teaching people how to repair ships. Did I tell you?” A nod. “So then I thought, if I’m teaching, and I don’t want to move to the port, how are my students going to learn on an actual ship without them having to travel all the time. And besides,” I glanced down at my hands, which had curled themselves together. “I miss having a ship to take care of.

“As for what ship, a friend of mine from way back has something he was going to junk, so he’ll bring it when he comes to visit next week.”

“Next week? That’s….”

“Victory Day, yeah.” I sighed. “Not much we can do about that. Besides,” A shrug, this time. “It’s easier, spending Victory Day with someone else who was there, you know.”

“I was alone that day.” I glanced over. Ben was staring out at the rain, forearms on his knees, and I hadn’t seen that particular brand of expression before. Sadness, self-loathing, and anger, but all held in, as if he was afraid to show it. My hand landed on his shoulder before I could stop myself. He turned just his head to look at me.

“If you want, we could come up that day,” I said softly. “Bring a picnic, so you don’t have to be alone this year. I’m not much for the celebrations and parades anyway.” I withdrew my hand. “But only if you want.”

Ben kept looking at me, and I wondered what he was seeing when he looked at me. “Yeah,” he said finally. “Sure. That would be… That’d be really nice, actually.”

“We’ll be there, then,” I said. “Promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so. Who's the friend? (I know, I'm just interested to see the guesses.)


	15. Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A friend arrives, the ship arrives, bad things happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so you guys totally guessed it... Probably shouldn't have included Poe's name in the tags. Lol.
> 
> Anyway, here's the chapter, hope you enjoy! (I had real fun writing this one. Dameron is a frigging joy to write, people, so he might stick around longer than I'd planned)

I waited at the dock anxiously. He said he’d be here today. With the ship. _My_ ship. I could still hardly believe it.

The wind picked up, and I wrapped the scarf more firmly around me. Yes, I kept the scarf. Yes, I kept wearing the scarf. Yes, I wasn’t thinking about why it was the first thing I grabbed every morning. A little denial never hurt anyone.

 _There._ In the distance, a speck that grew closer, coming from the port. I I took my last swig of caf and lobbed the empty cup into the nearby disposal unit. It was freezing, this early in the morning, after the rains of the previous day, and the town was pretty much deserted as people did their early Victory Day celebrations indoors. I was the only one at the docking station, even now, half an hour after I’d arrived, made sure everything was working, and watched the sun rise.

Not that waking up before dawn was a big problem on Victory Day. I was surprised I’d managed the four hours I’d gotten, in fact.

I could actually tell the speck was a ship, and I slipped on the tac helmet I’d brought with me. He should almost be in range by now. I toggled the radio channels, flipping through them sequentially until..

“Hey Reya! Reya-reya, it’s your main man Poe Dameron, can you hear me?”

“Morning, Dameron,” I said drily, a smile stretching my face. “Have a good flight?”

“All my flights are good, sweetheart,” Dameron said, and I could picture the cocky grin that he was wearing. “ETA just about three minutes. I’m assuming you have everything set up for me and your new baby?”

“When do I not?” I shot back.

“Point,” Dameron replied, and I could start to see the shape of the ship. It looked familiar. Too familiar. A long body, foreshortened as it came towards me, and then two V’s at the back, connected in the centre.

“Dameron,” I said, my tone stern.

“Yes, Chief?” Butter wouldn’t have melted in his mouth.

“That’d better not be the ship I think it is.”

“Too late, sweetheart,” Dameron said. “General gave it to me, I’m not using it, now you have it. It’s all done. You signed the papers, remember?”

“You louse, Poe Dameron,” I said, eyes still glued to the approaching X-wing. “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it,” Dameron replied. “Hey, you got a nice planet here.”

“I like it,” I said. “Suits me.” I turned to the instruments. “Hang on - got you on tracks now - guiding you in.”

……………………………………………………

The X-wing was exactly how I remembered it up close, the man that climbed out of her less so. Poe Dameron was still tall, still in shape, but with the first strands of white hair starting to show in his shaggy black hair, laughter lines at the corners of his eyes. It was strange.

“Why, Chief Trno,” he said, crossing the last few steps and wrapping me up in a bear hug. “Aren’t you the grown up lady now?”

“Watch it, Dameron,” I scolded, hugging back. “I’ll have you know I’m neither a grown up nor a lady. Nor do I have plans to become either.”

He raised an eyebrow at me, but didn’t say anything. His hand snagged on my scarf, half-pulling it off. His eyebrows rose even further.

“Nice scarf.”

I felt my face flush. “A friend gave it to me.”

“Would this be the friend that we’re going to visit today instead of glorying in the accolades of the masses?”

I shoved him. “You don’t like adoring masses any more than I do, Mr. Best Pilot in the Galaxy.”

He grimaced. “So this friend…” I glared at him, the looked at the X-wing.

“I can’t believe you gave me this,” I said, running my hand over the hull in awe. “I thought you two were inseparable.”

“That would be me and BB-8, and even he’s at the port for a service,” Poe said. “Besides. She deserved a break.”

“Betsy, right?” I asked, cataloguing the parts I’d need to order. Poe generally kept his ships in good shape, but a pilot’s idea of running well and an engineer’s were always very different.

“Betsy, yeah.” Poe patted the hull behind me. “Where are we storing her?”

“For now I’ve got hangar space in Bay 15,” I said, jerking my head at the bay behind me. “It’s got doors, so we can hide her until Victory Day’s open.”

“Always thought it was a stupid name,” Poe commented as we made our way around Betsy’s hull. “A stupid name for a random day. Most of the fighting was done by then anyway. Might as well just call it Kill Snoke Day.”

“I’m in favour of that one,” I said. It was barely 6am planet-side, and I wasn’t ready to start crying again. “Guess we have something to thank that bastard Ren for after all.”

“He wasn’t all bad,” Poe protested, sliding into the argument with the ease of practice.

“Can we… Can we not, please?” I asked. “Not today.”

“Got it.” Poe clapped me on the shoulder. “So. Wanna move Bets’ into her new home?”

I had to smile back at Dameron, watery though the expression was. “You got it, Commander.”

“You know, he wouldn’t want you to die alone,” Poe said as I went to grab the tractors. I stopped in my tracks for one second, then another. Then I kept moving. It was all I had. Just keep moving.

……………………………………………………………

 

“You climb _those_ every day?”

“Not every day,” I said, turning to grin at Poe. “Come on, Dameron. Don’t tell me you’re out of shape.” We were on the steps, it was mid-morning, and we’d managed to avoid the worst of the crowds on their way to the celebrations after stowing Besty in her hangar bay. And I’d decided I was downright saintly to be up here showing Poe around at all when every fibre of my engineering self was screaming at me to spend a good 48 hours making sure every bolt of Betsy was in good order.

“I am!” the pilot protested. “I’m just not a mountain goat. Or Finn. He does this shit for fun. And Rey goes along with it.”

“How are they, by the way?” I asked, slowing my pace in consideration for Poe.

“Good,” Poe panted. “Good. They found a little place not too far from the General’s. Rey’s trying to help out with the new Jedi order, or whatever they’re calling it. Finn’s… being all official. I hardly recognise him, sometimes.”

My heart went out to him. “Some of us have harder times moving on from the War than others,” I said. Poe and I, we were stuck, in a way. Poe was basically a nomad, never staying in one place for too long, transporting cargo, testing new ship types, and, if rumours were true, had at least one someone in every port. And I was a scientist on a world where hardly anyone knew who I was, and my closest friend was a hermit.

Poe didn’t reply. Not at first. “You know, I can’t believe it’s over, sometimes,” he said finally. “I wake up, get up, and am dressed before I realise it, and I’m in my kitchen before I realise there’s no mission. I don’t have to fly anywhere, don’t have to go get shot at, shoot someone.”

“Nightmares a few times a week,” I said, sharing story for story. “I hadn’t worked on a ship until a few weeks ago.” _And I haven’t looked at anyone since Falon. But you know that._

“But you’re gonna start? Keep Betsy up right?” I turned to look back at Poe.

“As if I’d buy her off you if I didn’t mean to treat her right,” I said, giving him the same glare I’d give Madden.

Poe’s hands went up, and he grinned. “Got it, Chief, got it. Don’t shoot, please!”

I glanced up, shading my eyes from the sunshine. It was going to get warm today, warm with a vengeance. And then it was going to pour with rain. Normal monsoon weather. “We’re almost there,” I said.

“So. Tell me more about this friend of yours.” Poe’s tone was almost painfully neutral, and I decided it couldn’t hurt to tell Poe at least a little.

“Not much to tell. Tela - the innkeeper, one of my friends here - she sent me up here a few months back with house-warming gifts when he moved here.” I shrugged. “He was really stand-offish then. Which I completely understand. If you move here for privacy, the last thing you want is a welcoming committee.” Another shrug. “But the view. The view from the top is incredible, Poe. It’s what brought me up here again. And again. And eventually Ben and I started talking. And we’ve kept talking.”

“Talking?” Poe sounded dubious.

“Yes, talking,” I said. “You know, the thing that humans do with other humans. That you and I are doing right now?” I sighed.

“Whatever you say, sweetheart.”

We walked in silence for a while, and I was definitely not plotting ways to sneak something squishy into Poe’s bunk that night.

“Poe?”

“Yeah, sweetheart?”

“Just… he might have his hood on. Don’t make too much of it, ok?”

I could _hear_ Poe judging me. “Hood?”

“To hide his face. I never saw it until last week, when I fell and he fixed me up.” I gestured to the almost-healed cuts on my arms. “You’re new. I don’t know if he’ll want to show his face.”

“You’ve got weird taste in friends,” Poe said dubiously.

“Takes one to know one,” I said, flipping him off, then scampering up the next few steps to escape him. I could see the top, and, as I looked up, Ben appeared, hood and all. He glanced down and raised a hand. I waved back.

“He there?” Poe asked.

“Yup.” I nodded.

“Guy’s name is Ben, right?” Poe asked.

“Told you it was,” I said, frowning. It wasn’t like Poe to need to be told something twice.

“Just wanted to check,” Dameron said. “I know he’s your friend, Reya. Don’t worry about me screwing it up.”

I didn’t have a great comeback to that one.

Ten more steps, and I could call up to Ben.

“Happy Victory Day,” I half-shouted.

“To you as well,” Ben said, and it was disconcerting, speaking to the hood again instead of his face. “And to your friend.”

I glanced back at Poe, whose face had just turned grey. “Dameron? Hey, you ok?”

He shook his head once, twice, then nodded. “Let’s get to the top of the steps, ok? I think the heat’s getting to me.”

“Ok,” I said, hurrying a bit. I hadn’t thought Poe would have problems with the climb.

“Problems?” Ben asked.

I glanced up, reading the slight worry in Ben’s shoulders. “I think he’s not used to the heat,” I replied. “Hopefully once we’re up and we get some water and food into him, he’ll be fine.”

Poe snorted, although whether that was because of the slight to his dignity or something else, I had no idea. I reached the top and turned to help Poe, if he needed it, smiling distractedly at Ben as I waited for Dameron to get his ass up the final steps.

Poe took the last steps without issue, and his face was regaining colour, and my pulse began to calm. I hadn’t realised it had risen, but I could hear the blood pounding in my ears as I let out a breath.

“Dameron, don’t scare me like that!” I said, clapping him on the shoulder. “I certainly can’t carry you down those stairs if you decide to go all damsel in distress on me.”

“I’m sure your friend could help you,” Poe said, but his tone was icy. I looked between the two men, very confused.

“Poe, what?” I asked, and Poe moved to stand between me and Ben. Or he tried. I shoved back, holding my ground. “What the actual frig?”

“Tell me you aren’t who I think you are,” Poe said to Ben, glaring at the taller man.

“I don’t think I can do that, Commander,” Ben said.

“Wait, you know each other?” I was really confused now. “Would someone care to tell me what’s going on?”

“Take off the hood, _Ben,_ ” Poe said. Ben bent his head, pushing the cowl off and exposing black hair that almost shone in the sun. Poe hissed.

“You.” He lashed out, hitting Ben square on the jaw. “You bastard! How could you? Do you know what she’s been through?” I was between both of them in an instant, a hand on Poe’s chest, feet braced to keep him from shoving forward and hitting Ben again.

“Dameron.” I spat it. “You will tell me, right now, why you decided to hit my best friend, or you will leave. Now.”

“He never told you his last name, did he?” Poe asked, tone still scathing.

“No,” I said slowly. I glanced back at Ben, whose face was grim. There was no sign of anger there, though. Pain, remorse, and possibly fear, but no anger. And that simple fact was enough to send worry scurrying to the pit of my stomach. “Ben?”

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. My stomach dropped even further.

Poe had stopped pushing against my arm, so I relaxed it, letting it drop to my side as I faced Ben. “I don’t want to know your last name, do I?”

“I don’t think so, no.” Poe had gone mercifully silent behind me, and I focused on Ben.

“Guess it’s too late now,” I said. “Lay it on me.”

Ben cleared his throat, shook his head. “I am _so_ sorry, Reya. I had no idea, when I first met you… I…”

“Just tell me.”

Ben met my gaze squarely, then nodded. “I was born Ben Solo.” My pulse started to pound, rushing in my ears, and suddenly my stomach had left the planet. It wasn’t true. It couldn’t be. “Most of the galaxy don’t know me by that name though. People usually call me-“

“Kylo Ren.” I whispered it, looking into the friendly, worried, sad eyes of the man who had ordered Falon’s death, and then everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Questions? Comments? Concerns? 
> 
> Let me know, and as ever, thank you for reading!!!


	16. Sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reya wakes up to deal with Poe and Ben. Kylo Ren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm not super happy with the ending, but I think it conveys the awkward all three of them are feeling, so forgive me. The next one will be better, I promise!
> 
> Thanks as always for reading and commenting!

“Remind me why we’re here?”

“Because I can’t carry her down two hundred steps. And neither can you, Dameron. And what were we going to do - leave her in the rain?”

My eyes fluttered open once, then shut. A hand covered mine, and I pulled away.

“Woah, hold on, sweetheart, hold on.” It was Poe’s voice. “Just me. Promise.” I opened my eyes again, and this time, they stayed open. Poe was hovering in the edge of my vision, and I turned my head to look at him. I was lying down. He was crouching at my side. I could see rain behind him, hear rain pounding on the hangar-

We were in the hangar?

I rolled instinctively, trying to get out, get away, and overbalanced the bench I was lying on.

I shouted. Poe shouted.

Then everything stopped. I was stuck, suspended in mid-air, not falling anymore. I turned my head to see Ben, hands outstretched, looking back at me.

“Commander, if you’d please right the bench under Reya so she doesn’t fall,” he said, voice showing no emotion whatsoever. Poe shook himself, then grabbed the bench. When it was in place, Ben nodded and lowered his hands. I dropped onto it with a small thud, and was scrambling upright even as my head hit the wood of the bench.

“Sweetheart,” Poe started, but I was too far gone. I headed for the nearest corner and scrambled into it, putting my back to it and pulling my knees into my chest. I could feel the panic attack starting, but there was nothing I could do. I was already past the point of no return, my heart speeding up faster and faster, my breath coming in short pants, and my vision starting to grey out again. Poe was in front of me, crouching down.

“Reya, Reya - can you hear me?”

I nodded.

“Focus on my voice, ok?” I nodded again. “Everything’s going to be ok.” I shook my head. No, everything was most certainly not going to be ok. “It will. It’ll be ok.” I shook my head again. “Fine. Ok. Just breathe. Can you do that?” I wasn’t sure. I could barely see Poe’s face any more.

“Here.” A hand stuck itself into my vision, holding something. Poe grabbed it, offered it to me.

“What’s this?”

“Just…just give it to her.” Something warm and metal was shoved into my hand - the propulsor fastener. Falon’s greebly. My fingers closed around the metal, and I could focus again.

“Breathe, kiddo. You with me?” I nodded, stronger this time. I wasn’t going to have a heart attack. Even though it felt like that. Poe forced a smile. “Ok. In.” He sucked in a breath, and I tried to follow his example. “And out.” We both exhaled.

That continued until I could feel the colour returning to my cheeks, Poe with a hand on my knee, coaching me through every breath.

“Thanks,” I said finally, covering Poe’s hand with one of my own.

Poe rocked back so he was sitting instead of crouching. “No problem, kiddo.”

I snorted. “When did I become kiddo again? You haven’t called me that since I was sixteen.” I grinned. “Thought I was ‘sweetheart’ now?”

“The only one for me,” Poe joked back.

“Right.” I drew out the word, not wanting the friendly banter to end. But it had to. Real life was intruding. I could sense the rest of the hangar now. I could hear the rain. Life wasn’t just Poe and I. I glanced over Poe’s shoulder and found Ben standing off on the far side of the hangar. I was grateful for the distance, then hated myself for feeling grateful. My fingers closed even more tightly around the greebly.

“Can we go home, Poe?” I asked, voice small. I needed to break down - break down _again_ , this time with more tears and less fainting and panic attacks, and I refused to do that with Ben - No. Kylo Ren. I refused to cry with Kylo Ren watching me.

"Sure, sweetheart," Poe replied. "You ok to stand up?" I nodded, waited for him to stand, then took his hands and levered myself to my feet. 

Poe turned to Kylo Ren. "I'll come back for the things later."

Ren nodded. "Take your time." He was looking at me cautiously. I met his gaze squarely. 

"I'm sorry," he said. "I should have told you. As soon as you told me about Fa- about him. But then we were friends. And I didn't want... I'm sorry. You never have to see me again, if you don't want. I won't ever join you at the top of the steps, if you want." 

I didn't know what to say to that. I just kept staring at him. Finally, I just nodded. 

"Goodbye."

"Goodbye, Reya." I turned, Falon's greebly still in hand, and headed out of the hangar into the rain. I was down the first set of steps before I turned to look for Poe. He was at the top, hurrying down. 

"Don't fall and break your neck," I called. "We're in no hurry."

Poe flashed a smile. "Ready to get back to your place?" 

"Yeah." I put a hand out to stop Poe from preceding me down to the next stairs. "Poe?"

He half-turned to glance back at me, face still worried. ”Yeah, kiddo?" 

"Thanks. "

"Not sure you should be thanking me."

"I needed to know." Before something happened. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, and here's where I say I'm on tumblr, if you want to say hi - stonegirl77.tumblr.com


	17. Seventeen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reya deals with it. Or doesn't...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's finally up. And it went in a slightly different direction than I was expecting. 
> 
> Thank you for being patient with me - I really appreciate it! I'm not sure if we're back to every other day - we'll have to see how writing goes this week. But I will post chapters as I get them done.
> 
> As always, y'all are awesome!

I made it home. Of course I did. I made it home on two feet, with Poe trailing behind me. I made it through when we ran into the tail end of the Victory Day parade, full of those who’d drunk too much and were stumbling behind the rest, shouting, laughing, and making merry. I smiled and waved, shouted at them as they went past. They shouted back, saluted and slobbered over Poe, and I even found a real laugh when one particularly drunk teenager decided to tell him, loudly, what she would do with him if he came past her place later.

“You take such pleasure in my pain,” Poe said when I finally dragged him away. I grinned, but my humour faded fast. Nevertheless, I kept up with the facade.

“Such pleasure, Commander Dameron,” I said, slinging my arm around his shoulder. “Now. Coming home with me?” I said it as I pressed myself up against him in obvious, cheesy imitation of the girl’s antics.

“Where else am I going to sleep?” Poe asked, putting an arm around my waist in return.

“Tonight? Anywhere you wanted would take you in. And give you the best bed,” I said. “You’re sleeping on my couch though. Just to warn you.”

“And I wouldn’t sleep anywhere else,” Poe agreed. He cocked his head to one side as he looked at me. “So, Reya.”

“No, Poe.” I said, stopping him before he could get any further. “I’m not talking about it. Sorry.”

“That’s called avoidance,” he said casually. “I know other people who do that. General Organa practically has a degree in it.”

“I knew I liked her,” I said. “But seriously. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“As long as you talk to someone.”

“Ok.”

Poe shook his head. “Liar.”

“You do you, I’ll do me,” I said. We were almost home. “Now. I want to get started dismantling Betsy for her first thorough maintenance check in about a decade. Want to help, or want to veg? I can show you the way to Tela’s inn - it’s where the big party’ll be happening.”

“I’ll help,” Poe said.

“No party?” I’d expected to be able to dismantle Betsy on my own, to get to talk to her, get to know her by myself. Old Poe would have jumped at the chance to go to a party, to be a big man. But then again, it’d been years. He’d probably changed.

Poe shook his head. “Nah.” He flashed me a grin. “Got a spare pair of coveralls? If I’m getting scud all over me, I don’t want to use my flight suit.”

“Course I do. Hold on.” We were at my front door and I unlatched it, letting Poe followed if he wanted before going to my closet, fumbling to the back and grabbing out Falon’s old coveralls. I stared at them for a minute, tears filling my eyes before I clenched my fingers more firmly into the fabric. I had to shut it all off, for now. Get some distance. Keep functioning. If I let myself feel, I’d be a mess for days, maybe weeks. And I wasn’t going to do that. He wasn’t worth it.

 _If he isn’t worth it, then who is? Even if you think of it just as friendship, he’s still the closest friend you’ve had, other than people you knew in the War,_ a traitorous part of my brain reminded me, but I squelched it. I was going to work on my ship today. Make sure she was as perfect as I could make her. That was all I was going to focus on today.

Poe was standing in the doorway when I returned, and I lobbed the suit at him. “Here you go.”

Poe raised his eyes at the old, familiar colours of the suit, but said nothing. I’d grabbed my own set of coveralls, my old Resistance ones, and shoved them into a bag by the door along with gloves and my welding goggles. My eyes caught on the scarf on the peg by the door.

_Shit._

I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth, trying to think of nothing until the urge to cry subsided. “Poe?” I asked, eyes still closed.

“Yeah, sweetheart?”

“Take that scarf back when you visit him, will you? It’s his.”

“That’s…” I opened my eyes to see Poe examining the scarf more closely. “Shit. Reya - does that mean?”

I closed my eyes again, and felt a few tears run down my cheeks. I rubbed them away quickly. “Yeah. I’m guessing its _the_ scarf. He said it was his mom’s.”

“And he just gave it to you?” Poe’s tone was as shocked as part of me felt. The part that I’d carefully walled off to deal with later.

“Guess so.” I tore my eyes away from the scarf. General Organa’s actual Victory Scarf, the one she wore on the day her son presented her with General Snoke’s head and the war was over. Of course, that was weeks after Victory Day, interstellar travel being what it was, but people didn’t care about that. Symbolism was the thing.

“Ready to head out?” I asked, already plotting the route we’d need to take to avoid all the revellers.

Poe nodded. “Yup. Lead the way, Chief Trno.”

I saluted, half a smile on my face. “Got it, Commander. Follow me.”

……………………………………

“So, sweetheart,” Poe said, at my right shoulder, in Falon’s coveralls. “Where do we start?”

I surveyed the ship - _my_ ship - with a critical eye, considering. “Let’s start with a normal service - unless there are problems I should know about?”

Poe snorted. “On Besty? Please. She runs smooth as silk.”

“You only think so now,” I said, moving forward to unclip the first section of hull plating. “Let me at her for a few weeks. You won’t recognise the way she runs.”

“You aren’t the best mechanic in the galaxy,” Poe protested.

“Maybe not,” I conceded. “But I’m close. At least on ships this age. You saw what we did with the parts we had, and the damage those birds went through.” I grunted as I shifted the plating. “See? I can get this to unlatch much more smoothly.”

When Poe didn’t reply, I turned around. He was standing there, looking at me with a funny expression on his face.

“What?”

He shook his head. “You have changed.” He took the plating I handed him. “Time was, you wouldn’t be so… confident.”

“You mean I gained an ego?” I chuckled. It was kind of true. I’d been surfing the forums Madden had mentioned. And I appeared distressingly frequently, if only by name and reputation. I’d come to realise that I had actually made a contribution, and an important one. Even if I did feel a bit strange admitting it.

“Not that,” Poe protested.

“Relax,” I told him, handing him the next section of plating. “Oh, and we’re taking all of this off.” I grimaced. “Your idea of well-maintained and mine are radically different, friend. I like my ship to actually be clean.”

“So that’s why she keeps bleeding grey,” Poe said, and I glared at him. He held his hands up in the air. “Kidding, kidding. God, I swear, you mechanics are worse than mothers.”

“Whatever, Dameron,” I said. “Now. You can start on the other side, if you want. I’m pretty certain you can’t screw that up.”

“Aye, aye, ma’am,” he said, saluting jauntily, finishing with a rude hand gesture. Which I returned. With interest.

Perhaps life would be ok after all. Then I remembered who my new friend was, and my good mood vanished. I plastered the smile back on my face and turned to the next section of plating. I’d get through this. Eventually the smile wouldn’t feel fake.


	18. Eighteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reya tries to get on with life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so sorry for taking this long! This chapter has been a real bear, and I wanted to get it right. I think I'm happy with how it turned out? 
> 
> Let me know what you think!!

“I still can’t believe you know Poe Dameron!” Madden said two mornings later as he passed me my caf.

“Of course I do,” I said, taking the first, too-hot swallow. “Who do you think fixed his ship?”

“Oh.”

“It’s mine now,” I said casually. “I’m fixing it up, if you want to help. You said you wanted to learn engineering, right?”

“What?” Madden stopped dead, dropping his cup of caf. I turned with half a smile. Madden really was sweet.

“I’m fixing it up - back to its former glory. Going to get her running, then learn how to fly her. Want to help? It’ll be mostly grunt work, for us both,” I warned.

“Work on Poe Dameron’s ship? With Chief Trno?” Madden didn’t even look sorry about the loss of his caf, I noticed. “Of course I want to help! Just tell me where and when, Chief!”

I shook my head at him. “Tomorrow - before work. I’ll probably be there before dawn, so get there whenever.” I shook my head. “Actually, if I’m going to be training you, let’s say 0800. Be there, on time.”

“Yes, Chief,” Madden saluted, or tried to. He missed the proper Resistance salute by half a mile, and I snorted.

“And don’t call me Chief,” I said. “I’m not Chief anymore. It’s Reya at work, and Boss when we’re working on Betsy, ok?”

“Betsy?”

“Poe named the ship,” I said. “I know. Weird name.”

“Betsy,” Madden said, saying it slowly, carefully, as if he were pondering the name even as he said it. “I like it. It has character. As does she, no doubt.”

“That’s one word for it,” I said, thinking to the seemingly-endless list of tasks I’d started once the hull plating had come off. Poe had been right - there was nothing critical, and nothing a good service wouldn’t fix. But the propulsor was on its last legs, and everything needed a soak in some super-strong cleaning solution before being lubed and reassembled.

“We’ll get it done, boss,” Madden said, clapping me on the shoulder. “Don’t worry.”

I almost stopped then. Did I seem worried? I wasn’t worried. Sad, yes. Grieving, yes. Grieving the loss of my first and only close friendship made since the War. But I’d thought I was keeping it under wraps. When I cried, which had been embarrassingly often over the past few days, I cried on my own. I spent time with Poe. I spent time with Betsy, who was quickly becoming my new best friend. I went to work. I was coping.

But Madden had displayed actual concern. I pinched the bridge of my nose. I wasn’t prepared to deal with this. “Of course we will,” I said finally. “And I’m going to work you within an inch of your life, young Madden.”

“You ain’t that old, boss,” Madden said.

“Feels like it, some days,” I shot back.

“You’re only as old as the guy you feel,” Madden grinned.

“I have heard that,” I agreed, trying to smile. “That makes you, what? Nineteen?”

“Twenty-one,” Madden said. “Not seeing anyone at the minute.” The answer came thick and fast, and I’d hit a nerve. _Shit._ I hadn’t meant to.

“That makes two of us,” I said, passing over my caf. I could get another cup at work, if I needed it. Madden looked up from where he’d been glaring at the ground.

“Thanks,” he said. “Sorry.”

“No problem,” I said. “And I’m sorry too.”

“No worries.” He opened the office door. “So. What do we have today?” he carolled, addressing the experiments we’d left to run overnight.

 

……………………………………………………………

“I know why you wanted me to go up there,” Poe said that evening. “That view - frig - it’s glorious.”

“So it is,” I said, and I couldn’t quite keep the glum expression off my face. “I love that view.”

“You can see everything from up there.” Poe glanced at me over his beer.

“Yeah.” I took a sip of my own drink. No alcohol for me - engineering and alcohol did not mix, and I was working on Betsy with Madden tomorrow.

“I took the scarf with me,” Poe said.

I nodded. “I saw. Thank you.” _I don’t think I could have done that one. One look at Ben, and I would either have tried to kill him, or burst into tears. And I’d rather not do either._ Poe continued staring at his beer, and I could feel him wanting to say something. “Out with it, Dameron,” I said. “What do you want to say.”

“Why do you hate Solo so much?”

I balled up my free hand into a fist, feeling the blood drain from my knuckles as I concentrated on that, and only that. “What - why? Why do I hate him?” I finally managed. “Because he killed the man I loved? Because he … tricked me into being friends with him? He must have known I wouldn’t be friendly with him if I knew who he really was.”

“He didn’t kill Falon.” I glared at Poe.

“Of course he did! He was the one in charge of the Sector at the time! He was responsible!”

“He wasn’t.”

“ _What?_ ” I put my glass down carefully. I liked my kitchenware. I didn’t want to break it. “But… I looked it up. It was in all the reports. He was in charge of the First Order ships there.” My hand crept up to my throat, unconsciously searching for Falon’s greebly.

Poe shook his head. “The records are wrong.” I shook my head. “Solo had already defected then. Hux put Phasma in charge of those ships, let people think Ren was in charge while they chased after him.”

“No,” I whispered. “How do you know that?” I asked, more strongly. “What proof do you have?”

“We captured Phasma, remember?” Poe replied. “She admitted it. Threw Solo to the wolves. Thought he’d abandoned his post.”

“So…” I said, turning the new information around, thinking it through as best as I could. “Ren wasn’t… he didn’t… Ren didn’t have Falon killed. He didn’t put out the order to have all Resistance fighters killed on sight.”

Poe shook his head. “Wasn’t him.” Poe looked at me. “And honestly, the policy was in place way before Ren ostensibly took command, Reya. It never made sense to blame him anyway. So why?”

I shook my head. I wanted to clear it. “Because… Because he… “ I trailed off. “Because he was someone to blame. Someone to put all the rage I felt when Falon was killed on. Someone to focus my revenge on. So I wouldn’t have to feel so guilty about Falon being dead all because of me.” My shoulders shook, even though I tried to keep them steady, even though I tried my best to not cry, to not make a sound. But the tears fell anyway. Poe put a hand over my two, interlinked in front of me, and waited until I’d controlled myself again.

“Falon is not dead because of you,” he said.

“Liar.” I half-hiccuped a smile at Poe. “Of course it is.”

“Why?”

“We argued before he left. I yelled at him, he was… unfocused. He got hit because he wasn’t concentrating. Because of me. So don’t tell me it’s not my fault. Please, Poe. I know when the blame is mine.”

“Bullshit.”

I snorted.

“No, Reya, listen to me.” I hadn’t been looking at Poe. I’d been looking at the tabletop, eyes tracing the various dings and whorls. “Reya.” I looked up and met Poe’s eyes. “It was his responsibility. If he wasn’t in shape to fly, he was the one who should have taken himself off the mission. And if it’s the fight I’m thinking about, you were right to be pissed.” I shook my head minutely. _No._

“Forget speaking ill of the dead,” Poe said. “I know, we’re not supposed to, but there’s a limit. And I think you put him on a bit of a pedestal, and he’s not around any more to screw up and knock himself off.” I half-giggled, half-glared at him. “I know, I know. I just meant that he was human. He wasn’t perfect. And at that party, he wasn’t exactly focused on you the way he should have been.” I remembered the way Falon’s eyes had wandered, the way I’d talked with Fred most of the night, not wanting to seem clingy, as Falon enjoyed the attention, the celebration. But still. Poe kept talking.“Not that I think he would have done anything about it - I do think he was a good guy, deep down. But he was a kid. And kids screw up.” He paused, and I glanced at him. “Come to think of it, young lady,” he said slowly. “You weren’t exactly ancient yourself. So even if you argued with him - which I still think is justified, by the way - people make mistakes.”

I looked down at my hands. “I guess.” _But people don’t make mistakes that kill other people anymore._ Even as I thought it, I knew it was wrong. People made fatal mistakes all the time. It was true, a part of life. Had I been holding onto Falon’s death? Beating myself up over it, and over him, all for nothing?

“I’m not saying you have to forgive Solo,” Poe said. “He’s done some amazingly bad stuff.” He grimaced. “I should know. But he’s constantly trying to atone.” I looked up at Poe.

“How do you atone for killing your own father?” I asked.

Poe shook his head. “I have no idea. Honestly, I think if it weren’t for his mother, Solo would have committed suicide after the War, after Snoke was dead. She made him promise to live.”

“What?” I’d never heard that before.

“I was there, at Snoke’s base, when Solo walked out. Well, I say walked. He dragged himself out of there, covered in blood, missing chunks of flesh, holding Snoke’s head. He tossed it at my feet, then collapsed.

“And he’s been moving ever since. I think he’s wanted to settle down a few times, tried, but every time someone figures out who he is, and when they do, he stays, lets them get their anger out, then leaves. Goes on to the next planet. The next village. He hasn’t stayed in one place longer than three months.

“I’m usually his ride, although he didn’t call me last time. He must have had to get out pretty quickly - he usually bugs out when the death squads turn up.”

“Huh.” I didn’t have much to say about that. What could I say? Yes, Ren had no doubt suffered a lot. There were horror stories about what he’d undergone when Snoke summoned him after the first battle. And I was sure that people would react violently, when they discovered who he was.

But on the other hand, he’d done so many terrible things. He’d tortured Poe and countless others. He’d killed his own father. How could anything balance out? Should it even balance out? I was very confused.

“I just wanted to point it out,” Poe said. “He’s not all bad, and you seemed like you needed the push, to get over Falon’s death. He wouldn’t have wanted you to be sad for all these years.”

“Thanks?” I grinned at Poe, although my eyes were a little watery.

“Don’t mention it, kiddo.” Poe stood and patted me on the shoulder. “Now, I have a date with that lovely inn and its equally lovely innkeeper. Don’t stay up too late.”

I chuckled. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” I called as he opened the door.

“Don’t worry, I will!” Poe replied as the door swung shut behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So?? Thoughts? Also, let me say I love Madden. He's such a lovely character to write. And Poe. 
> 
>  
> 
> If you like, come find me on tumblr - I'm stonegirl77 there too!


	19. Nineteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reya begins to process. And life goes on....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the responses on the last chapter - y'all are awesome!
> 
> Hope you enjoy this one as well - let me know what you think!

I couldn't sleep that night. Everything Poe had said kept going around and around in my head, warring with my thoughts. There were so many things to sort out. _First, is Ren responsible for Falon's death?_ , I thought, trying to get a handle on at least one dilemma. 

 _He wasn't in the chain of command. He wasn't even there._ I thought. _So no._ I took another sip of tea. Kylo Ren wasn't responsible for Falon's death. Ben wasn't responsible. 

And that was something else I should think about, I realised. Poe had never called him Ren. Or Kylo. It had always been Solo. That surely meant something. And if Poe, who only ever did what he wanted these days, without the Resistance to give him purpose, was prepared to play taxi for Ren as well, that had to be a good sign for Ben. 

 _But it doesn't change the fact he lied to me for months about who he was_ , I argued. 

 _Given your reaction, can you blame him?_ a smaller voice asked, way in the back of my mind. 

 _It was still wrong. Especially after he found out about Falon and that I was in the War. I'm allowed to be pissed._ I gazed at the tea and wondered whether Poe had spiked it. This was all getting far too simple and logical. It couldn't be this easy, to just be angry with Ben for lying to me. That was something I could forgive.

“Ben Solo," I said out loud, really hearing the name for the first time. And there it was, the fly in the ointment, the thing that seemed insurmountable. Ben - Kylo Ren - had killed his own father. What kind of person could do that? It didn't... It didn't make sense, didn't mesh with the drily funny person I'd known, the one who'd cleaned me up after I fell, who'd let me cry my eyes out without judgement. It just didn't compute, like multiplying 3 by 3 and getting 836. 

 _And the point is moot anyway_ , I thought, the wave of anger that broke over me catching me by surprise. _I have no interest in forgiving Ren. Ben. Whatever._

I stared at my tea. It was late. I should probably go to bed. Madden was supposed to be bringing people by tomorrow to help with Betsy. I should get some rest. 

 

…………………………………………………

 

"So, boss, what do you think?" Madden asked, meeting me at the entrance to the hangar. I was in my coveralls already, as I'd wanted to get some work done before the volunteers arrived. Although I should get used to calling them students, at this point, I thought a bit grimly. There were six or seven of them, ranging in age from teenagers to young adults. 

"I thought I said no more than five," I told Madden, trying to count heads. 

"This was the short list." Madden shrugged. "There's not enough to do around here for the ambitious. And then the Hwyak siblings didn't want to be separated." He pointed to a pair of boys with exceptionally curly hair. "And then Alix asked if she could come too." He pointed again, but I couldn't tell whether he meant the girl with the ashy blonde hair or the one who’d dyed it bright blue. 

"Fine, fine," I said, running a hand through my hair. I was sure there was going to be engine grease in it now. "We'll make it work." I looked at Madden. "This'll mean I need you as an assistant," I told him. He gulped, and I grinned. "Ah, come on, Madden. It'll be fine. Fun, even. And I promise not to kill you. Unless you screw something up, of course." Madden swallowed again. 

"Let's get this show on the road, then," I said to Madden, then raised my voice. "Everyone who's here for engineering lessons, get your butts over here and stand in a line from oldest to youngest, with the oldest next to the hangar." I waited, being careful not to let my burgeoning smile show as the kids milled around getting themselves sorted out. 

After a few minutes, my foot began to tap,  and Madden started to grow nervous as the kids argued. I let them get in order, glacially slowly, and waited a bit to see if they'd stop talking. They didn't. So I took a step forward. Most of them quieted instantly, but the girl with blue hair kept talking to her neighbour. 

"Quiet, if you please," I said, and she pulled her face forward with a scowl. I wasn't quite sure what to make of that. 

"I assume you're all here because you want to be," I began, and was answered by a raggedy chorus of agreements. "If you are, then this is the first rule. We're not in the military, but anyone who works on a ship follows a chain of command, and right now, I'm the head of it. So you will address me as Chief." Silence. I could see frowns beginning to form. "We're working on a ship. My ship. And what's more, ships are dangerous. Most things can harm you, half can kill you or the person you're working with if you aren't careful. Therefore, there are rules, and you will follow them, or you will be kicked out. Now, do you understand?" I held up a hand. "Before you answer, there are two acceptable answers. One is 'yes, Chief,' the other is 'no, Chief.' Now. Are we clear?" 

"Yes, Chief." The answer was still raggedy, but less so than before. 

"Now, you will follow my orders or Madden's." I glanced at him. "Madden is to be addressed as Let. That's because he will be acting as my Lieutenant, and spacers never use two syllables when one will do." I let myself smile. "And don't look so grim, people. This is going to be hard work, and I won't be easy on you. But it'll be fun too." I half-turned. "Every day we do this, you'll sign in to a log just by the hangar door. But as I don't know your names yet, I’d appreciate if you all filed in one by one for today and introduced yourselves. Name, age, and previous education." I moved to the hangar door and gestures to Madden. "If you'd begin, Let?" Madden's face brightened at the title. He came over and shook my hand with great solemnity. 

"Sal Madden, 21. Degree in biomechs." 

"Thank you, Mr. Madden." He moved off  into the hangar. 

"Have them assemble near the tail end," I called after him. He put up a hand in recognition. 

The oldest kid stepped forward. 

"Rine Tendin," he said, "20, completing an engineering degree."

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Tendin," I said, shaking his hand. "Please go in - Let will tell you where to stand."

The blue-haired girl was next. "Silva Interra," she said, chin thrust forward. I couldn't tell whether she was nervous and putting on a front, or whether she was actually just that resentful of authority. "19, one semester to go in a degree job mechanical engineering and biomech."

"Is that a double degree?" I asked.

She nodded. "Yes, Chief." Nervous, not resentful. I smiled. 

"It's nice to meet you, Ms. Interra. Find Let, if you please." She went through. 

I met the others, the twins Gregor and Filip Hwyak, another pair of siblings called Felice and Trena, and then I was left with the girl with ash-blonde hair. She came forward. 

“Alix Felder," she said, voice soft and light. "15, in school. But I only have a year left." Her eyes, which had been fixed on the floor, rose to meet mine as she said the last bit, then fled downwards once more as she made contact. 

"Hello, Miss Felder," I said, shaking her hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you. If you'd go and find Let in the hangar?" I expected her to scurry off and find the others, but she paused. "Problems?" I asked, as gently as I could.

"You... You don't care that I'm fifteen?" She asked. "Chief?"

I smiled. "I started working on ships when I was younger than you. I don't think age is much of a barrier. Unless you don't want to be here? No one’s forcing you?"

She shook her head firmly. "No, Chief. I wanna be here."

"Good," I said, putting a hand on her shoulder. "Now. Go in and find Let. I'm going to shut this door."

"Yes, Chief," she smiled and half-ran through the door. I had to grin. This was going to be even more fun than I thought. 


	20. Twenty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reya tries to live her life, with varying degrees of success...

_It couldn't last, could it?_ I thought, feeling grateful that at least the kids were all working so they couldn't see my descent into maudlinism. _No. I couldn't hold a good mood longer than about ten minutes, and now I'm dwelling on_ them _again._

_Them. Falon and Ben._

Madden had asked me a question, when I'd set the kids to scouring every piece of hulk plating with cleaner. After outfitting them, giving them a general safety briefing, and probably boring the pants off of them. 

"Is this how you started? Did they put you to work cleaning parts?“ He asked, pulling another jar of cleaner off the shelf. 

I answered automatically. "Something like that,” I said, and was unprepared for the hit of memory, of Falon and I, each eleven, scouring hull plating side by side. My heart actually hurt, like someone was in there with a knife, slowly twisting. _Crap._ I’d thought I was past this. "I started younger," I said as normally as I could manage. No one needed to know my gut had just turned into a black hole and I was swimming in the after-effects. Madden just nodded, and moved to his own section of plating, set on a table where he could see everyone else. 

And now I was watching them all, trying to get myself out of my funk so I could start work, disassembling the engine that was finally exposed. It was all his fault. Kylo Ben Ren what's-his-name Solo. If he'd never come along, I'd have been able to  keep all of this inside, well-hidden, where it couldn't do me any harm. 

"Chief?" It was one of the Hwyaks, the brothers with the adorably curly hair. 

"Yes?" I pasted the appropriate teacherly expression on my face. 

"We're done." The lad gestured at the section of hull I’d set them to clean. 

"You are, are you?" That wasn't possible. Not in the fifteen minutes they'd had. I walked over and crouched to examine the metal. I ran a finger over the join between a sensor and the hull. It came away black. "No, you aren't done," I said, standing.

"You mean-?" One of the boys asked. 

"Every book and cranny." Other's were looking up now. "Every little spot needs cleaner. Especially those that are hard to get into. Those are where debris likes  to hide. And that's what breaks equipment. And can kill people. So you have to clean your equipment. If we were at a proper shop, they'd have machinery. But we aren't, so we do it by hand. Got it?"

The boys nodded. 

"Good." I looked around at the rest, who were watching me with varying degrees of resignation, respect, and awe. Little Alix looked supremely determined, and set to scrubbing her piece of plating with a speed that would have done justice to a professional cleaner, if not the corresponding accuracy.

 _She reminds me so much of me,_ I thought. _She just wants to do the work. And I guess I’m the one to show her how to do it._ I was suddenly hit with another wave of responsibility.

_After this and work today, I’m going to need a drink._

 

……………………………………………

 

"I need to go up to the view," I told Poe that evening. We were at the inn, hanging over the bar as Tela and Poe flirted like it was a sport. 

"What, are you sure?" Poe actually turned to look at me instead of ogling Tela. "Do you.... Alone?"

I nodded. "I'll go early. You won't be up."

"But why?" Poe grinned at Tela as she sidled over, her patrons apparently appropriately well-liquored, for the moment. 

"I need the quiet. I want the routine back." And I don't want to not do it because I might see him, I thought, rolling the edge of my glass on the counter.  

"Ok," Poe said dubiously. 

"Are you two ever gonna tell me what happened to you?" Tela asked.

"I told you," I said, clinking my glass with hers. "Memories reared their ugly heads. I'm having a hard time bashing them in to submission this time." And I _had_ hoped that would be the end of it.

"And I've told you I don't believe that's the whole story," Tela shot back. "Dameron, any comments from the peanut gallery?"

"This peanut is shutting up," Poe said. "I make it a policy to not come between two friends." He waggled his eyebrows. "At least, not during an argument."

I groaned and tried to hit him. Tela reached over the bar and gave him a shove. 

"Such a charmer, Dameron," I told him. "Such a charmer."

"Well, it works for me," Poe replied, flipping his hair out of his eyes. That's when I realised he'd diffused a lot of the tension between Tela and I. And with one off-colour joke. He was smarter than he looked, was Poe Dameron. 

"But don't think this changes the subject," Tela said, returning her attention to me. "I want to know why you've been in a mood."

"And I don't want to talk about it," I said. "Please Tela. Poe hasn't heard anything since the day it happened, and he's practically living with me. I... I can't talk about it, ok? Yeah, I got hit with a shitstorm of emotions, and I'm not too pleased about it. But I don't even know what I'm feeling right now, and I don't want to say anything to anyone until I figure it out myself. I promise, if there was anything you could do, anyone you should mangle, I’d tell you. But there’s no one. Just me.”

I'd started out almost indignant, but my tone had managed to become as lost as I felt lately. It was like my entire sense of balance has shifted. I'd be fine one minute, then mopey the next, and it would take me forever to stop thinking in circles and claw my way back up to a normal mood level. I might have been more understanding if it had been a new hurt at the centre of it all, if it were a new injury. But it wasn't. It was Falon's death at the heart of everything, the one event that had almost destroyed my life eight years ago, and was still wreaking havoc in the present. I could see it now, the patterns of behaviour. The avoiding of deep relationships, the skating by on life, thinking it was fine to live with the spectre of Falon hanging over me. 

But it wasn't. Not really. It wasn't something Falon would have wanted, and, more importantly, as I was coming to realise, it wasn't something I wanted either. 

I had to let him go. Perfect or imperfect, I had to stop letting Falon's life and death control my life. He'd always be there, but he wasn't the only thing that mattered. A flash of a face, half in shadow, shuttered across my thoughts, the face Id glimpsed in spite of a hood. 

And perhaps Ben wasn't so bad either. But I still wasn't sure where I stood as far as he was concerned. It was going to be difficult dealing with the dead fiancée wrapped around my neck like a noose. 

And I'd drifted again. I looked up to find Tela and Poe staring at me. 

"You sure you're OK to go up those stairs by yourself tomorrow? I don't want you hurting yourself halfway up or something." 

I patted Poe on the head. "I'll be fine. Stop worrying, Dameron. You'll get wrinkles."

"I do not have wrinkles!" Poe said, affronted. "My dear Tela, tell this fine lady I don't have wrinkles."

"The customer is always right," Tela said with a wicked smile, passing him another stein. 

"Evil woman," Poe said with a sigh. "I'll have to do something about that later."

"See that you do," Tela replied, just as casually, but her eyes sparkled as she said it. I hoped whatever was brewing between my friends wouldn't end badly. They were both happier these days. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed. And yes, she is heading up to the cliff next chapter!
> 
> Let me know what you think!


	21. Twenty One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reya makes it to the cliff again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your comments - they are like life-blood to me. Seriously. I die without them. Or at least, my writing gets slower... You are all filled with awesome!!
> 
> I hope this chapter makes some sense, and that you enjoy it!

_164._

_165\. I don’t remember this taking so long last time._

_166._

_167\. But the view is incredible from up here._

_168\. Really really incredible._

_169\. I can’t believe it’s been almost a week and a half since I’ve been up here. It feels like forever._

  


I kept walking, kept counting.

  


_181\. Great. Now the nerves start._

_182\. But what do I have to be nervous about?_

_183\. Don’t mess around, Reya. You know what._

_184\. Him._

_185\. Kylo Ren._

_Ben._

_I hope I don’t have to see him._

_I hope I do see him._

_I don’t want to talk to him._

_Is running an option?_

_190\. Ten steps left._

_191\. Can’t quite see over the ledge yet._

_192\. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea._

_193\. Poe?_

_194\. You might have been…_

_195\. Wait- I can see!_

_196\. Deserted. Yes!_

_197\. Suck it, Dameron!_

_Three._

_Two._

_One._

And I was at the top. I turned slowly, taking in every centimetre of the view. 

“You would have loved this, Fee,” I said, using Falon’s nickname, the one I’d used when we were children. “You would absolutely love this view.” 

I’d started doing that - talking to Falon when I was alone. Not as if he were alive, standing next to me. That was too weird, even for me. But as if he were some kind of Force ghost, like Luke Skywalker was supposed to be now, gone, but watching over me. 

“You’d probably have pretended to be bored after five minutes,” I continued, turning around again, eyes skipping over the deserted second set of steps. _Nope. Not thinking about those today. Nope._ “But you’d have loved it. And taken loads of pictures. And then gloated about them to Poe after. And I’d find one of me that you’d taken when I wasn’t looking, one that didn’t make me look self-conscious or ugly, and I’d think I could actually see what you saw in me, at least a little bit.” A tear streaked down my face, but I didn’t mind. This kind of sad was the good kind. It ached, but it didn’t stab. 

I lowered myself onto the top step. “I can’t believe I barely thought about you for almost eight years,” I said, still speaking out loud. “You were such a big part of my life. Until you weren’t. And then I grieved. Well, I kind of did. The War was on, we had to keep the ships going, make sure we won the War instead of the First Order. And it didn’t matter whether or not you were crying yourself to sleep. I think everyone did, sooner or later. 

And then the War was over, and people started to leave. And I left, I ran far away, and I explored the galaxy. I improved my mind, did all the things I promised myself I’d do, then settled here, on this little rock in space. As far from civilisation as I could make myself.”

I pulled my pack out by habit and reached inside for my dried fruit. I half-laughed when I felt the bag again and realised exactly how much fruit there was. It was a two-person portion. Or a three-person sized portion. Ben usually ate at least two-thirds of it. 

“I’m not going to finish this,” I murmured. “I _would_ be sick then, and Poe would complain. Or worry. Or something. Guess I didn’t tell Tela to not pack as much this time. I didn’t even think about it.” I munched on the first piece. “I wonder what you’d think of him. Of Ben.” This time the pain was a stab, the wound too fresh to have healed, to make the memories anything but painful. I shied away from them like the cattle-analogues people still herded here, too scared to even get close to the memories, to unpack them like I’d been doing with Falon’s.

“Sure, Poe’s all forgiveness and love. But I’m not there.” Another piece of fruit. “It took me eight years to realise that I didn’t actually… that I wasn’t… That it’s not my fault you died.” I sighed. “That’s still not fun to say. But still, Fee. Eight years. It’s barely been two weeks. And I keep thinking about him, even though I don’t want to. Poe references him often enough - I think he’s coming up here and having bro sessions with what’s-his-face.” A scowl, a bite of fruit. More pain. “It’s like Poe wants me to deal with all of this emotional _crap_ all at once. Like ripping off a bandage all at once instead of slowly, incrementally. 

“But how the heck am I supposed to do that and still function? I almost cried again at work yesterday. I was in my office, thank frig, but I was looking at a report, and I got a flash of us writing reports together, and I felt the tears behind my eyes, and I am so _sick of this crap!_ ” I shouted the last half of the sentence. “I just want to be better. Now. I don’t want to go through any of this grieving stuff, Fee. I want to be able to remember you without crying. Heck, I want to go through a full 36 hours without bawling my eyes out. 

“And that’s just you.” I stared at the spaceport, as if the slowly moving transport departing would give me answers. “You’d be proud of me. I’m teaching. Teaching real life human children how to put a ship back together again.” I actually smiled at that one. “They seem so young. And I think some of them are conspiring to kill me. Which is ok.” I went back to my fruit. “And Poe is here. And he’s with Tela. Like _with_ with Tela. I haven’t seen him this goggle-eyed over a girl - or a guy, come to that - in quite some time. And Ben.

“That’s what currently hurts most. I can’t…” I turned my head, just for something to do. “I don’t understand why it hurts so much. We were friends, Fee. Or at least, I thought we were. I was friends with a hermit called Ben. He was nice, a little odd, sure, but kind. And his nose was kind of ridiculously big for his face, and he didn’t talk much, but he was my friend. I thought I knew him.

“He let me cry myself out over you and didn’t complain. He was just… there. I thought I could talk to him about anything.

“But everything’s changed now. He’s not Ben anymore. Not Ben the hermit. He’s Ben fucking Solo, Kylo Ren, the man who helped start the War, then helped to finish it. Who killed his father, then killed the man who made him. Who tortured, and was tortured. Who would be dead, if not for a promise made to his mother. 

“And who lied to me. About it all. He was my first friend, my first new friend since you died. And everything about him, about who he is, who he was, is a lie.”

I took another few pieces of fruit as I leaned back, lying half on the grass and half on the stone step. “I’m not sure how to begin unpacking that. Or if I should even try. Is it too soon? Should I wait until it gets less painful to think about? 

“No. That’s a stupid reason for avoiding thinking about him.

“But I’m so confused. Whenever I think about him - and I try not to, believe me - I go down this mental rabbit hole. I start to think about things we talked about, about what the War must have been like for him, what it was like for us, and I get caught up in this mental loop. I zone out, even worse than with your memories. Not that I’m saying I’m more screwed up about him than I am about you, Fee.” I added that bit with a smile, imagining the beginnings of jealousy that would have started in Fee’s eyes.

“I just don’t know. Is it worth trying to deal with all the confusion? Is _he_ worth it?”

I stared at the sky and ate my fruit. I had no idea. 


	22. Twenty Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reya and the kids keep working on Betsy

“Rise and shine, people,” I said as I walked into the hangar, caf in hand, Madden behind me closing the doors.

Our group had dwindled a little. This morning I had the Hwyaks, leaning against a wall rubbing sleep out of their eyes, Alix, and Silva. Silva yawned as she pushed herself off the ground, and Alix was staring into her own cup of caf.

“Morning, all,” I said as cheerfully as I could muster. My alarm had woken up from a dream where I’d been alternately saving Falon from Ben, and Ben from Falon. I still had no idea which one was worse. They both still made my gut churn and I glanced down at the caf, contemplating throwing it away. Things were dire when I was considering getting rid of my beloved caffeine. But no. I needed it this morning. Today we were going to try putting the engine back together and see if it ran. Then I’d spend the rest of my day off putting the hull plating on, and tomorrow, if all went well, I’d get my first flying lesson.

_Maybe I can stretch the work out so I don’t have to get my first-ever flying lesson from Poe, Rogue of the Spaceways?_

_Nah. Poe would just hang around long enough to see me fail first time._ I grinned, knowing it was the truth. He’d proclaimed it at the bar last night. No one else got to have the joy of witnessing Reya’s first flight outside of the simulators. Just Poe. At least the sims were going well.

I unlocked the door with a thumb to the pad and a quick combination into the numerical lock. “Ok, kids. Head on in and change your gear.” They all arrived in school clothes, changed and washed here, then headed into school for the day. I admired their pluck. Especially Alix, who was looking a little worse for wear.

I stopped her with a hand on her shoulder as she made to go into the hangar.

“Everything ok there, kiddo?” I asked gently. She looked up at me, and I could see the mulishness set in. There was something wrong. But she didn’t seem inclined to share. I sighed. I was _definitely_ not signing up to play mom. “You know, if there’s anything you’re having problems with, something you don’t want to talk to anyone else about, you can talk to me. Ok?” Half of me thought I was nuts to make the offer so open-ended, but the other half glowed as Alix’s face grew a smidgeon less worried. I took my hand off her shoulder.

“Ok, Alix,” I said. “Get in there. We’re reassembling the engine today.”

“I know,” she said, but she smiled as she said it, then turned and ran into the hangar without spilling a drop of caf.

“She’s adorable,” Madden said, coming up to me dressed in his coveralls, his own cup of caf in hand. “Loves you.”

“You think?” I asked, taking another sip of caf. I was certainly fond of Alix. She was my favourite of the kids. The more I got to know her, the more she reminded me of myself when I was younger, all the enthusiasm and determination. Although I suspected that Alix had even more of the latter than I’d ever done.

“Definitely. What else would keep a fifteen year old coming here, missing sleep, on top of school and a job.”

“She works?” I asked, shocked. It did explain the lack of caf spillage, though.

“At Tela’s.” Madden frowned. “Her mum isn’t well, her dad… he’s out of the picture, I guess. No one knows too much about him. Alix picks up shifts when she can, when she’s not too busy with school. I think she usually works the bakery shifts - you know, the ones from 4 until 8 in the morning.”

“I had no idea,” I murmured, still in shock. That schedule would have been hard on anyone, not to mention a little 15 year old. Poor kid. “Is there anything we can do? Can I give her a job here, or something? Or will she take that the wrong way?”

“She doesn’t like pity,” Madden commented. I nodded. It made sense.

“Keep thinking about it,” I said, downing my last gulp of caf, balling up the cup, and chucking it in the waste bin. “And now, it’s time for work.”

“Aye, Chief.” Madden grinned. “Orders?”

“Makes sure the kids are dressed and safetied up,” I said. “I’m going to be with Betsy, making sure nothing rusted overnight.” The dehumidifier in the hangar was old, and I wasn’t entirely trusting in its ability to keep Betsy’s more delicate electronics nice and unoxidised.

 

 

………………………………

“So. What should we try now?” I asked, trying to keep the excitement off my face as I turned to the kids.

They all looked at each other, unsure of the answer.

“We’ve done all of our checks, we’ve put the parts back together. We even have the hull plating on, thanks to you.” They had all, to a man, decided to stay and help me put the ship back together so I could do a preliminary test of the engines.

Alix’s eyes lit. “Do we get to try it, Chief?”

“Indeed we do.” I grinned at her. “And in honour of getting the correct answer, do you want to press the button?” Alix’s smile just about split her face in two, and I was glad I hadn’t been my normal selfish self and pushed the button myself. I’d get to do it loads more, after all. She nodded.

“Yes, Chief.”

“Well, then get over here!” She scurried the few steps over to the control pad, and I gestured to the button. “What Alix is going to do is complete an engine test cycle. I already have it set up. It’s fairly simple.” I gestured to the screen. “Every engine will have one. It’s command code is 0001, the only command all engines share, because every engineer wants to be able to make sure a ship runs before she puts people inside. It will perform a systems check, put the engine through an 80% spike, then power down. It should take about five minutes.”

I turned to Alix. “Now, Miss Felder, if you would.” Her hand extended, and an appropriately grimy finger pressed the orange key. We all held our breath as things began to happen. The exhaust paddles flipped, the engine started to hum.

“So far so good.” I started to narrate, then just waved everyone to the panel. “Come on, guys. Take a look.” The power levels were beginning to rise, and I pointed. “So the system check came in clear, which is good, because we’re about to try the power spike.” I was practically shouting at the end as the engine began to roar. I felt like I could fly - Betsy was all systems go!

The power levels climbed, 60 percent.

Then 70.

Then 75, 78.

80%.

I was jumping up and down and whooping as the engines slowed and quietened. And I wasn’t alone. Madden was spinning Alix around, and Silva was actually grinning. I high fived the Hwyaks.

“Nice work, everyone!” I said. “I owe you all appropriately aged drinks. Several. Each.” I draped one arm around Silva, and one around Gregor Hwyak. “Let’s get this squared away. Then. To Tela’s!”

“To Tela’s!” Madden and Silva chorused, then looked at each other. Then away. Silva actually blushed under her blue hair. _Interesting._

“Let’s get to work, people!” I started barking orders, wires that needed to be put away, parts that needed to be stowed. My mind kept whirring, and it was only when I was at the control panel myself that another thought passed through my mind.

_And I haven’t thought about either of them all day. Huh._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I think I know where this is going?? I kind of dropped another plot bunny on myself, and I'm not sure how it's all going to play out. 
> 
> But next time - flight!


	23. Twenty Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reya and Poe go flying...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howdy folks!   
> I'm sorry this has been so slow in updating - Real Life got in the way.
> 
> I have a new tentative update schedule - Fridays and Tuesdays. I should be able to stick to that, and I'm on holiday now, so I have lots of writing time!!!
> 
> As always, I'm on tumblr if you want to say hi - stonegirl77.tumblr.com

_Why did I think this was a good idea?_

That was the thought that kept playing on loop in my brain as I completed my pre-flight checks, Poe hovering in the background to make sure I didn’t completely screw anything up.

_I’m not supposed to be doing this. I like my ships piloted by people who actually know what they’re doing. As in, not me._

And yet here I was, moving through the checks just as smoothly as I’d seen real pilots do. _I guess the sims are good for something after all,_ I thought absently as I went through the list on my tablet one last time. I looked up at Poe.

“Checks complete,” I said, feeling like I was fourteen again, awaiting inspection of my first self-serviced part.

Poe grinned. “Looks good to me, Chief.” He clapped me on the shoulder. “Seriously, though, Reya. You’ll be fine. I’m just here for moral support. You know. In case you get nervous.”

“Too late.” But my smile was real.

“You’ll be fine.” Poe passed me my flight helmet. I slid it on and toggled the switch to make sure the mic was working.

“Black Leader, do you read me?”

Poe chuckled, sounding crackly in my ear through the speakers. _Maybe there’s a fix for that - the sound quality should be better. Maybe a wire’s come loose?_ “Yeah, Chief. I hear you. Loud and clear.” Poe’s voice pulled me from my miniature reverie.

“Is that my call sign, then?” I asked.

“Kiddo, you’ll never get away from that name.”

“Whatever, Dameron.” I looked over to where the kids and Madden were waiting, and flipped up the visor so I could speak to them. “We’re ready to go, guys,” I said, feeling like I was shouting to make myself heard. _There must be something I can do to make the acoustics better in these helmets._

_Focus, Reya. Not the time._

“Good luck, Chief,” Madden said. “Not that you need it. Right guys?”

There was a raggedy chorus of agreement.

“Well, let’s see if we can’t get this pile of rust into the air, huh, Dameron?” I asked, the bravado coming almost naturally. _Maybe I see where he gets it from now. Pure terror…_

 

"Final checks clear. Helm passing to you, Chief. Ready?"

"Ready, Black Leader," I replied, voice tight with nerves. This was it. My final chance to back out. _No chance of that now. I can do this. I think._ "Engines nominal," I said, voice surprisingly calm as I started to pull back on the throttle. "Lifting off, now." And then we were airborne. 

 _We're flying, we're flying!_ I wanted to shout it, but didn’t want to blow holes in Poe’s eardrums. _I’m flying!_  

"Ok, take us out of the hangar," Poe said, and I nodded before I realised he couldn't see me.

"Roger that," I said, pushing one lever, then the other, as Betsy eased forwards. My eyes kept shuttling between the HUD, the controls, and the view in front of me, trying to remember everything. 

I was so focused on what I was doing that I didn't realise Poe was speaking until we were a few thousand feet above the ground and climbing higher, stretching towards the edge of the atmosphere. 

“-never give her up, at one point," Poe was saying. "After the War, after Finn and Rey went off, Bets' was all I had. But now, and you were looking for a project, so I know she'll be in good hands."

"I'll take care of your girl, Dameron," I said, glancing at the altimeter, then at the engine stats, then at the sky ahead. Then the radar. 

"Wouldn't have given her to you, otherwise," Poe replied easily. "How's it going, there in the hot seat?" 

Radar again, then altimeter. 40k metres and climbing. We'd be reaching the edge of the atmosphere soon. Which meant that I'd need to start worrying about switching from air burners to impulse soon. I glanced at the altimeter again. "So far, so good," I answered. "Any tips so far?"

"Nah, you're good. A little nervous, but that's fine. I wouldn't expect anything different anyway. It means you're careful. It gets... More automatic, after a while."

I'd been watching my fuel consumption as Poe talked, and so I wasn't too surprised by the warning light going on. 

"Preparing to switch to impulse," I said, going over the steps in my head first. 

Switch over the exhaust flaps to half. My hand moved

Switch on the fusion engine. Another switch. I watched the power level climb before moving on. 

Switch off the air-burners. Left hand, switch. Make sure they're all the way off. Wait for five seconds, for the last of the exhaust to clear.

Switch exhaust toggle to impulse. 

I relaxed in my seat just a fraction as the impulse thrusters took over. 

"Nice," Poe complimented. 

"Thanks."

"One full orbit, then home?" Poe asked, although I wasn't sure why. Our plans hadn't changed. 

"Yup." I glanced at the radar. Nothing close enough to be a problem. So I got to pay more attention to the view in front of me. "It's gorgeous up here." I could just barely see the curving edge of the planet, see the beginnings of new monsoons as they swirled beneath us. It was beautiful. And humbling. "I see why you'd never want to give this up." 

"Flying's dangerous," Poe agreed. "Once you start, it's hard to stop." 

"I can see why. Literally." Poe chuckled, and felt my cheeks lift in a distracted smile. We were so little. And the universe was so large. Hell, the planet was enormous. And yet, if we wanted to, Poe and I could fly thousands of light years, from one side of the galaxy to the other, in a few months, in this little ship of ours. It was awe-inspiring. 

A light started to blink, and my attention was drawn away from the vastness of space. 

I flicked the button that pushed the notification to my HUD. "Weather system detected over planned route," the message read. "Suggested diversion." I scrolled down, seeing the computer wanted me to stop my orbit early and complete the rest of my journey in the atmosphere. I frowned. That didn't make sense. 

"Poe? You seeing this?" Maybe the weather says were being conservative today. 

"Yep." Poe didn't sound quite so relaxed anymore. "Looks like the monsoon today is going to be a bit earlier than we were expecting. The sat doesn't want your re-entry in the middle of that sludge."

I heard Poe doing something on his display. "Yikes."

"Problems?"

"Someone must have made a mistake writing the meteo software," Poe said. "Yeah. You should definitely do what the computer says."

"Roger that," I said, setting the new route up in the nav system. I frowned. “This puts us flying really low over the island. Sure that’s safe?”

Poe grunted. “Yeah, should be. You’ll be fine. We’re not flying over the town anyway. We’re flying over the mountain, then circling around. See?” I glanced at the plans again.

“Huh.” I zoomed in on the HUD. “Looks like we’re…” My stomach dropped, just a tad, before I controlled it. “We’re going over the Cliff.”

“Guess so.” Poe’s voice was almost painfully neutral. “We’re coming up on your re-entry. Ready?”

I shifted my full attention back to Betsy and her controls, doing the mental checklist as I’d been taught, making sure everything was ready for re-entry. My hands moved as if I was on automatic pilot, killing the propulsion, switching to the air-burners, moving the throttles up and down as necessary. I tuned back into Poe’s rambling as we descended on full air-burners, my hands steady on the stick.

“I can’t believe the people who programmed that met satellite. I mean, the math for that isn’t that hard. I could have done that in grade school.”

“Not everyone is as smart as you, Dameron,” I grinned distractedly.

“But still, Reya. This is pretty simple math.”

“Can’t say I disagree.” I dropped us another few thousand feet, watching my instruments and trying to enjoy the view at the same time.

“You know, I always thought you’d be a good pilot,” Poe said unexpectedly.

“What?”

“Yeah. I thought about asking General Organa if you could train with us, but you never seemed interested. And you were always our best engineer anyway.”

“Huh.” That was the problem with sitting in front of the person you were talking to. You had to respond verbally, even if you weren’t sure what to make of what they’d just said.

“And now look at you. I really am here just to look pretty. You’d be able to handle this just fine without me.”

“Don’t even go there, Dameron,” I shot back quickly. “Don’t go abandoning me just yet, if you please.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it, sweetheart,” Poe replied. “Oh, and drop another thousand feet, would you?”

“Roger that,” I said, lowering us accordingly. “Why?”

“See that blip on the sat feed?” There it was, a patch of something - a rain cloud, or something like that, at our previous altitude.

“Yep.” But that should have been fine to fly through, right? Nothing in the manuals had said…

“It might look like nothing, but if you fly through those too often, Betsy doesn’t seem to like it. It fouls the impulse engines, even though they tell me it shouldn’t.”

“Hmm.” That was probably something to do with the coating being substandard. Or wearing improperly. “I can probably fix that.”

Poe chuckled. “I’m sure you can, Chief.”

We were nearing home - I could start to see the dot on the horizon that was the port. “So I should start to take things slower, right?” I asked.

“I wouldn’t,” Poe said, “But you’ll feel better if you do. Most of the guidelines are about twenty percent too cautious, in my experience.”

I had to chuckle. “Like machine tolerances.” I’d discovered the same level of cautiousness in my work. “Guess that’s what learning in the War does. Shows you what’s actually dangerous.”

“Sometimes,” Poe agreed. “But stick with the Book for now. You can get dangerous later.”

“Got it, Black Leader.” I started to slow, and if I stuck my tongue out at Poe behind my helmet, that was no one’s business but my own.


	24. Twenty Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe, Tela, and Reya have have a final drink...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaahhhhh! 1000 hits! That's really exciting! You guys are awesome!!

“I can’t believe you’re leaving tomorrow,” Tela told Poe, drying a final glass and frowning at him. We were at Tela’s, watching the crowd die down. Not from Poe’s going away party - he hadn’t wanted one this time, he’d told us, just a quiet evening with us three. 

Poe shrugged. “I have a contract, love. I’ve cut my travel time pretty close as it is.”

She pouted at him, and he plucked the glass way from her before dipping her, kissing her as he pulled her up. I looked down briefly before speaking up. 

“Oi, you two! You have a place to do that where I don’t need to search for brain bleach!” Poe and Tela chuckled, and Tela blushed.

“Sorry, sweetie,” she said, putting a hand on mine. 

“Nah, it’s ok,” I told her. “It’s nice to see you both happy.” I smiled at her, and at Poe, then caught sight of a familiar head of hair. My eyes narrowed as I found Alix busing tables. “Tela?” I asked.

“Yes?” She took one look at my expression, then turned to see what I was looking at.

“Why is Alix working now? I know she has an exam tomorrow, and she’s helping me before classes start.”

Tela sighed. “She asked me if she could pick up the shift. Apparently her mum got sicker again, and she needs the extra cash.”

I felt like hitting something. “That’s not… Christ. There must be something…”

“Reya, be careful,” Poe warned. “I know that look.”

“What look?” I had an idea… It might be a bad idea, but I couldn’t just let Alix work herself to death. Not while I could do something about it. 

“Besides, we’re here for you tonight, right, Dameron?” I asked, clapping him on the shoulder. “Am I buying you another drink?”

“Nah.” He leered at Tela. “There are some things you want to be awake for.” I fake-puked. They were obnoxiously cute together, the pair of them. 

Poe turned to me. “Want to come up to the cliff with me tomorrow?” I stiffened. “I want to say goodbye to him, but you don’t have to see him if you don’t want.”

“Um.” I said, trying to buy time. I hadn’t actually made time to go up the cliff with Poe this visit, apart from the disastrous first trip, and I still wanted to do that. But Ben Ren What’s His Name. But if I didn’t have to see him… “Sure, Poe. Let’s do it. I don’t want to see him, but let’s do it.” Poe grinned, seeming relieved. 

“Sounds good, kiddo. Now. I think this lady and I need to find somewhere else to be.”

Tela grinned. “Have a good night, Reya. Try not to save the whole world before breakfast.”

“I’m not trying to save the world,” I said to their backs. They just laughed. “But making Alix’s life easier would be great,” I muttered, looking pensively at the rest of my drink. I downed it and was about to set it behind the bar, when a voice stopped me.

“Can I get that for you, Miss?” I turned to find Alix with a tray of empty glasses. Her eyes widened as she recognised me, but didn’t back off. _You remind me so much of me, sweetheart,_ I thought. I shook my head. 

“Nah, I got this one,” I said, moving around the back of the bar. 

“I don’t need your pity, you know,” Alix said, eyebrows furrowed.

“Why would I pity you?” I asked, moving to the sink and switching on the water. “You’re a cool kid, Alix. You work hard, you always show up to class with a smile on your face, and I know you’re working to support your mother. That’s nothing to be pitied. I just …. If there’s something I can do to make your life easier, I want to do it.” I paused, wanting to make sure I said the right thing. “Life, just getting through it, is hard enough without adding extra hardships. And it’s not that I don’t think you can work your way through them. You can. But maybe you don’t have to.”

Alix had set down the tray on the bar, and I took the glasses without thinking about it, washing them by reflex as much as anything else. 

“What… What do you mean?” she asked. 

“I had an idea,” I said slowly. Sure, maybe this was a bad idea. But Alix wasn’t telling me to buzz off, so maybe it wasn’t. “And feel free to tell me to get lost, if you don’t fancy it. No hard feelings, I promise.” Alix nodded. “I was thinking I could use a shop assistant. Madden’s eager, but he works with me, so our schedules always match up. I could use someone to come in when neither of us are around to do some odd jobs, to keep an eye on the dehumidifier - I swear, that thing’s going to crap out one day, and I’m going to walk into the hangar and Betsy’s going to be rusted over,” Alix giggled, “And there’s no one else I’d rather have. I’ll pay whatever Tela’s paying, or you can name your price. And you’ll have a key to the hangar. If you want to go in there and do work, you can. Or just hang out with Betsy. And if you have a busy week in school, or an exam, you can take the day and study. Does that sound like something you’d be interested in?”

Alix chewed her bottom lip. “I mean… Do you actually need someone to look after Betsy, or is this just…”

“Charity?” Alix nodded again. “I could look after her myself,” I admitted. “At the moment, I’m doing all of the odd jobs I’d have made someone else do when I worked on D’Qar, and it’s just Betsy, so it’s not that much effort. On the other hand, I do worry about that damn dehumidifier, and you could use the experience. And it would mean I’d have time to do other things instead of doing the regular maintenance. Make sense?”

Alix thought, then nodded. “Yeah.” She nodded again. “Yes, Chief. I’d love the job!”

I smiled, trying to not show my relief too clearly. I hadn’t screwed it up, I hadn’t made her defensive. I hoped.

“Start day after tomorrow?” I wasn’t about to make her start on the day of her exam. That was part of the point of offering her the job. 

“Yes, Chief.” Alix’s smile was so big, I thought her face might split in two.

“And if you need to give Tela two week’s notice, I don’t expect you to work two jobs at once, ok?” I added a bit of sternness to my voice. 

Alix nodded. I’d have to take it. There was no point trying to force the issue. I looked at the tray in front of me. There were no more glasses. Oops.

I sighed inwardly. “Well, I’m going to head home - see you tomorrow night at class?”

“Yep!” I slid around the bar again, fully prepared to head home, when Alix came over and gave me a hug. 

“What’s this for?” I asked, gingerly returning the embrace. 

“Just… Thanks, Chief,” Alix said, blushing slightly as she stepped away.

“Anytime, kiddo,” I said, and fluffed her hair before throwing her a salute and heading out. “Night - good luck on that test!”

“Night!”


	25. Twenty Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reya and Poe visit the cliff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hurray for consistent updating!!
> 
> Hope you like the chapter!

“So I hear you gave Alix a job,” Poe said about halfway up the stairs. I honestly hadn’t been counting today, enjoying the sun peeking across the horizon and the company.

“Tela told you?”

“Yeah.”

“I hope she’s not angry with me,” I said. It was something I’d thought of after the fact, but once given, I could hardly rescind the offer of a job. And I thought it was the right thing to do.

“Nah,” I looked back at Poe. He was looking off into the horizon. “I think she was employing Alix just so she wouldn’t do something more strenuous. Besides. Tela can always find more help.”

“Good,” I said, taking a few steps a bit faster than before. “Good, I’m glad.”

“Nice to see you setting down roots. Finally.”

I thought about snapping back, and I opened my mouth to do it, but then I closed it again. “Yeah,” I said. “Feels nice.”

Poe huffed a chuckle. “Well, it’s obvious you still come up here more than I do. I’m dying here, kid. Dying.”

“Let me know when you’re dead, Dameron,” I shot back drily. “And you’re not the one carrying the pack.”

“At least we’re heading up before the sun’s really shining. That’d be torture.” I thought about the last time I’d been up here, making my way up the steps with the sun shining on my back.

“Yeah. Torture.”

Poe huffed again. “You like making me feel old, don’t you.”

“Nope.” I said. “Besides, I finally have a taste of what you feel, teaching the kids. Christ, even Madden feels like a teenager to me, and he’s not that much younger than I am.”

“They look up to you.”

I hummed. “Weird. Shouldn’t they be looking up to someone who actually has her life together?”

Poe chuckled. “You look like you do from the outside. I know the real you.”

“The one with the bad hair days, the lack of sleep and the incipient control freak problem,” I joked.

“She’s great too,” Poe said. “I like your incipient control freak problem. It makes my life easier.”

“Glad someone’s pleased,” I joked, and we lapsed into a companionable silence, the steps passing underfoot as we progressed upwards.

 

……………………

 

“So I’ll see you in a bit?” Poe asked when we reached the top. He hefted his portion of the pack’s weight, and it occurred to me to wonder exactly what was in the bag. But it wasn’t my business.

“Yeah, sure,” I said, trying to make the moment as simple as possible. He’d go and see _him_ , and I’d wait here. I’d get my fill of the Cliff, we’d have lunch, and we’d head back. Simple.

“Ok. See ya.”

“Later, Poe.” I watched Poe’s back retreat towards the last set of steps, wondering. Wondering what was in the pack, wondering what the two men were going to say to each other, wondering what it was about Ben Solo that Poe Dameron felt the need to formally go say goodbye. Then, with an almost physical effort, I wrenched my eyes away from Poe and the steps and returned my focus to the view.

“Doesn’t matter how many times I see it,” I muttered as I shaded my eyes with one hand. “Still love this view.” I felt small as I surveyed the landscape. Small in the same way that I’d felt when I’d piloted Betsy my first flight, small in the vastness of the world. I was planning my first solo flight for tomorrow, and I was looking forward to it. It’d also be the first time Alix would be working for me, I hoped.

There were still moments where I doubted I’d done the right thing, offering Alix the job. There were so many ways it could go wrong. But it was the right thing. I could feel it in my bones.

 

 

……………………..

“Ready for lunch?” I started, raising my head from where I’d been lying at the top of the steps, watching the clouds scurry past.

“That didn’t take long,” I said. It had been barely a half hour since Poe had left, and I’d been merrily enjoying the peace and quiet. Poe grinned.

“I was hungry. And this is the last meal of Tela’s I’m going to be enjoying for a while.”

“You really like her, huh?” I asked cautiously. I hadn’t actually asked that much about their relationship - it was their business, after all. But I did want to know what was going on. I was an interested party, after all.

Poe looked at his sandwich. “Reya…”

“It’s not really my business, I know,” I said, fiddling with the wrapper off of my own sandwich. “But consider this the equivalent of you sitting me down to talk about Falon. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems like you care for Tela more than your usual ‘girl in every port.’”

“Or guy,” Poe corrected automatically.

“Or guy,” I agreed. “So, Poe, if it won’t kill you, spill.”

Poe looked down at his sandwich again. “I like her. A lot.” Poe glanced at me. “How did it feel, when you knew you were about to see Falon? Did you get the colony of ants in your stomach?”

“I always called them an army of angry butterflies,” I said, nodding. “At the beginning, sure. Every time.”

“And I don’t have to be Poe Dameron, Man of Derring Do and Best Pilot on Earth with her. I can just be Poe Dameron, damaged man. And she doesn’t care.” He looked away. “Or at least, I don’t think she does.”

“She likes you,” I said. “She hasn’t shut up about you for ages.” I grinned. “When you like someone, you don’t talk about it. When she does, it’s all she talks about.”

Poe grinned. “She’s so enthusiastic.” His smile, already something that you automatically responded to, was even more enthusiastic than usual. “And she’s gorgeous. And kind.”

“Ok, so you like her,” I said. “Good to know.”

“I just don’t know what to do with it,” Poe said, smile dropping off his face. “I have to leave tomorrow. I _have_ to. But I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to leave _her._ And that’s never happened to me before.”

 _Awwww._ I leaned over to put a hand on his shoulder. “You can come back, right? After this job? I thought I heard you mention something.”

“I was going to search for jobs near D’Qar once I finished this job,” Poe said. “But it’s nothing I have to do. It’s not like I’m working for the money, anymore.”

“So come back,” I said. Poe looked at me. “I’m not being flippant,” I said. “But you don’t have to work, and I think you want to see where this goes with Tela. So do your job, then come back and see what happens. I’m not going to promise anything. No, that’s a lie. I think that if you go off and don’t come back - if you don’t take the chance, you’ll regret it.”

Poe continued staring at me. “Wow, Reya,” he said finally. “When did you get so grown up?”

I ducked my head. “I had good teachers. The growing up snuck up on me.”

“So my turn to play Jedi Master,” Poe said, taking a mouthful of his sandwich.

“What’s up?” _What new, life-changing bit of information are you going to drop on me this time?_ I wondered. It wasn’t exactly resentful, the way I thought it, but I wasn’t casual about receiving Poe’s life advice either.

“I guess it’s not so much me telling you something as me asking you a question.”

“Ok.” I said it slowly. This wasn’t going to be easy, breezy. I could tell.

“What are you going to do about Ben?”

“Who says I have to do anything?” I asked, my defensiveness kicking in as fast as Betsy’s impulse engines. Then my brain actually engaged. “No, hang on. Knee jerk response.”

 _What_ am _I going to do about him? I don’t think my question was that far off the mark. I mean, I’m doing just fine ignoring his existence. And so much in my life is changing right now._

“I don’t know,” I said finally. “I mean, I understand why he lied about who he was. Being the galaxy’s most feared man, or one of them, doesn’t exactly lend itself to a social life. I’m not quite to forgiving him, I don’t think, but I understand why he did it.”

“And then there’s the fact that he killed his father. And the things he did during the War. He tortured you, Poe. He tried to torture Rey, and killed countless others, including those poor children at the Jedi Temple. I grant that he may have changed, but how do I go about reconciling those two different people? The Ben I knew and the Kylo Ren whose actions I despise.”

Poe’s face was grave.

“And besides, there’s so much in my life that’s changing. I’m still coming to terms with Falon’s death - eight years late, I know, but it’s happening.” Poe cracked a smile, but it was a small one. I looked down at my pack, at the webbing that was starting to show its age - I’d have to replace it soon. “And teaching again. And learning to fly. It’s…” I swallowed. “I know it sounds like I’m being a coward, not wanting to deal with the problem that is Ben.”

“No.” I looked up to meet Poe’s eyes. There was some measure of understanding there, not the judgement I had been so sure would have shown in his gaze. “I don’t think you’re a coward. But …” He paused, looking towards Ben’s hangar, towards the last steps. “I think you should talk to him. I think he could explain a lot of what you were wondering about.” I was about to speak, even though I had no idea what I was going to say, but he kept talking. “You seemed so happy, talking about your friend. He’s the person you’ve been closest to since the War, right?” I nodded. _That’s what made it hurt so much._ “It’d be a shame to lose that. For both of you.”

I nodded, grudgingly, and took another bite of sandwich.

“I promise nothing,” I said finally. “But I will think about it, Poe.”


	26. Twenty Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The evening after Poe's departure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are awesome!! I know I say it all the time, but it's true! Your comments keep me writing, and give me plot bunnies (thanks, Pharm!), so keep them coming, please!!!!
> 
>  
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

My place felt emptier without Poe. Heck, the whole village felt emptier without Poe. I rolled over to my other side, arranging my covers so my feet poked out the bottom of the blanket. I couldn’t fall asleep. Poe had left on the shuttle to the port a few hours earlier, taking Tela with him. She’d come back in the morning. Poe wouldn’t.

I’d indulged in a glass of Tela’s best liquor, knowing full well I’d regret it in the morning, but not quite able to stop myself. If there was ever a time to indulge, it was the hours right after Poe Dameron left.

“Nope.” I shoved my covers off in disgust. Sleep just wasn’t coming tonight. Not for me. I pulled off my sleep shirt and changed back into my coveralls. I glanced back at my bed, sighed, then started to remake my bed. Base habits died hard.

“No one to talk to now,” I said aloud. “Well, except you, Trno. Funny how you got used to having a houseguest. Or a kind of houseguest, as Poe tended to spend most nights at Tela’s lately.” Tuck in the covers under the mattress. “So I guess I’ll just have to get used to talking to myself again.” I fluffed the pillow. _It’ll get better. You’re tired, you’ve had a long day. It’ll look better in the morning. Go work on Betsy._

I threw on my jacket and headed out into the night. The weather had grown colder as the monsoon season drew to a close, and I half-walked, half-jogged the kilometre or so to the hangar, wanting nothing more than caf, music, and metal under my fingers.

I sprinted the last hundred metres, trying to beat the rain that had started to fall, and fumbled with the door before getting it open. I stepped inside and stopped.

Someone was here. I checked the clock just inside the door. 0137. _Who’s here this late? Or should it be this early?_ Only the service lights were on, but as I got closer to Betsy’s hangar space, I noticed the light spilling around the edges of the door. I keyed in the door and leaned towards the biometric scanner without really thinking about either, and opened the door slowly.

Nothing was out of place, nothing was missing, not that I could tell from a cursory examination.

“If Madden left the light on,” I murmured, somewhere between annoyed and confused. Something moved and made sound, and I moved towards it, going around the back of Betsy.

It was Alix. She was lying down amidst papers and tablets, rubbing her eyes, and she shot up to sitting as she noticed me. “Chief?”

“Hey, kiddo,” I said softly.

“I’m sorry, I fell asleep - I just wanted to get some studying done -“ She probably would have gone on, but I put up a hand and she fell silent.

“You’re not in trouble,” I told her. “I told you, you’re welcome here anytime now you’re working here - that’s why you’ve got permissions.” I crouched down and started putting the papers together. “I have to admit, though, I’m not sure why you’re here at witching hour instead of sleeping. Unless you’ve got insomnia too?”

Alix half-smiled. “I wanted to get ahead on work,” she said. “Mom… she’s got an appointment at the port in a few weeks, and I’m not sure… I just want to be prepared.”

“Oh, sweetie.” I put my arm around her in a quick half-hug. I looked at the papers and tablets. “Well, let’s see what we can do. And sleeping on the floor can’t be comfortable. Let’s see if we can’t get a couch or something in here, huh? Force knows you and Madden hang out in here enough to make it worth it.” I stood up. “Why don’t you put your things on the desk - we’ll work on it there.” _And I’ll make myself caf. I am definitely not awake enough to deal with this._

“Ok,” Alix grabbed the other papers as I moved to the caf machine and, after a moment’s deliberation, grabbed two cups. The girl was bound to get herself some anyway. I shook my head. When had I become mother?

Alix’s head was buried in a tablet when I came over with the cups, kicking a stool over with a foot to sit next to her. “Now, kiddo.” Alix looked up. “What are you trying to do?”

Alix had arranged her papers into three piles. She pointed to the one on the left. “That’s the stuff for my easy classes - all the work I could have my teachers give me for the next few months.” She gestured to the next pile. “That’s my astro homework for the rest of the course.” She frowned. “It’s hard. I don’t quite get it.”

“And the last pile?”

“The engineering homework,” she said.

“And all of this is work you don’t necessarily have to do for months?” Alix nodded. “Kiddo, I’m all for being a self-starter, but this is a bit much. What’s up? Why so much work ahead of time?”

Alix swallowed.

“Is it your mom?” I prodded gently.

Alix nodded, chin practically on her cup of caf. “Her appointment at the port - it’s… She’s going to….” I could see her eyes blinking rapidly, too rapidly. “We might have to move - there’s a treatment she needs to have, and she can’t get it here. And then I need to be there to take care of her.” A single tear streaked down her cheek. Her chin wobbled. “I don’t want to move.”

“Oh, Alix,” I said, and I slid off my chair, putting her cup down before pulling her close. She was just tall enough that I could rest my chin on her head as I held her close. “I’m so sorry, honey.” Alix’s arms were around my waist, and I could feel the warm dampness that meant she was crying into my coveralls. I wanted to do something, anything, to make her feel better. “We’ll figure something out, I promise.” I couldn’t promise more than that. I couldn’t promise that her mother wouldn’t have to get the treatment, or that her mother would get better, or that she didn’t have to move. But I could promise that I would help. “We’ll make sure you don’t lose your friends here.” Alix’s shoulders continued to shake as she sobbed her little heart out. And there was nothing I could do but stand there and rub her shoulders and say comforting things. _Why was life so much harder for some people than others? Especially people like Alix?_

I heard footsteps outside Betsy’s hangar bay, the complex lacking the normal daytime sounds that would masks them normally, but I didn’t think too much about it. Alix was starting to calm down, I thought, and if it was Madden, he could just come in.

_Knock, knock, knock._

I just about jumped out of my skin and pulled Alix behind me, putting myself between her and the door, before I realised what I was doing.

“What the hell?” I asked no one in particular, half-turning to look at the little girl.

Then knocks came again, someone’s fist pounding on the hangar bay.

“Cool your jets, I’m coming!” I shouted, not bothering to hide my annoyance. “You ok to stay here for a sec while I deal with this?” I asked Alix more softly, and she nodded.

“Sorry I got your shirt wet, Chief.” I glanced down at the small stain, brushing it absentmindedly with a finger.

“Nothing to be sorry for,” I replied, ruffling Alix’s hair and was encouraged beyond words when the girl found a half a smile to give me. “Be back in a sec.”

The door pounded again as I reached it.

“Seriously,” I called through the metal. “What is so frigging important that it requires breaking down my door in the middle of the night?” I entered the code and swung the door open, ready to continue my invective, but the speech died unspoken as I saw who it was.

“Reya.”

It was Ben, sodden from hair to boots, gloved hand raised to knock on the door once more. His eyebrows, which had been pulled together, now raised in surprise, then his whole face fell.

“I am so sorry. I… I didn’t have anywhere else to go. Is Poe here?”

 


	27. Twenty Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Reya (and Alix) talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, people, the chapter we've all been waiting for (including me!) - Ben's back!
> 
> Let me know what you think below!

“Is Poe here?”

I just stared at him. I hadn’t seen him in almost a month, and there was a millisecond where I thought he might have just been a figment of my imagination. He was thinner - almost gaunt in the face - had he not been eating? And his hair was unkempt, not that it wasn’t always, in all likelihood, as he kept it long. But today particularly, it was a mess, blown to and fro, alternately sticking up and plastered down by the wind and the rain.

I realised I’d been staring at Ben, and shook myself. _Answer the easiest question first. Emotions later._ “He left this evening - you just missed him.”

Ben looked down and cursed. He took a step back from the doorway where he’d propped himself up and turned around once on the spot, clearly thinking hard. I heard some of the muttering. “But there aren’t any shuttles tomorrow, and I don’t want to lose time. But I can’t…” He shot me a look, standing on my side of the door, watching him. He shook his head, a tiny back and forth motion. “I’m sorry to barge in like this,” he said, coming back to the door. “I promise, I wouldn’t have bothered you if I had another choice.”

“What’s wrong?” It hadn’t been what I was planning to say, and I frowned in confusion as the question left my lips. Ben looked confused too.

“It’s…” he shook himself. “How to explain..”

“Chief?” I spun at Alix’s voice, seeing her coming towards the doorway. I judged the view from where she was standing. She could probably see Ben, or bits of him, anyway. She came towards me before I could figure out what to do, before I could just close the door and protect her from the ethical quandary that was Ben. “Hi,” she said, standing just behind me.

Ben extended a hand in a wave. “Hello.” He seemed timid, something I would have teased him for, in another time.

“I’m Alix.”

“Ben.”

“Chief?” I’d been watching the exchange, working hard to keep my jaw from dragging on the floor. It was just so bizarre to see Ben interacting with a child. But I turned to Alix, who was looking at me expectantly.

 _Of course._ She was waiting for me to do the adult thing. To invite Ben in, to be the adult.

_I hate being an adult._

“Come on in, Ben,” I said, doing my best to be polite. To be normal. “I’ve got a towel around here somewhere, if you want to dry off.” I stepped aside and waited for Ben to cross the threshold. He looked at me, and our eyes caught. I had no idea what he was looking for, but I assumed he found it, because he bent his head and ducked through the doorway.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.” I closed the door behind him, and there we were, Alix and I, and Ben Kylo Ren Solo. I clapped my hands together. “Alix, could you get Ben a cup of caf?” She nodded and scurried off. “And you, come with me. I’ve got the towel around here somewhere.”

 _This isn’t weird. This isn’t weird. Nope._ Maybe if I kept repeating it, it would be true.

“Reya?” I grabbed the towel off its hook, making a mental note to thank Madden for making sure it was both clean and back in its place.

“Yeah?” I handed Ben the towel.

“Thank you.”

“I’m not going to deny you a towel, Ben.” I found I actually had a real smile to give him, however short-lived it was. “Can’t have you dripping on my floor, after all.” Ben’s face vanished under the towel as he rubbed his hair.

“Not for that - well, not just for that.” He re-emerged, face slightly flushed. “For letting me in - for hearing me out.”

“About that,” I started, then stopped. I watched Alix fiddling with the caf machine. “I’ve been meaning to come up and hear your side. I should apologise - I haven’t managed to get up the courage yet, if I’m honest.”

“You… don’t apologise to me, please.” Ben grimaced. Then his face brightened as Alix approached, balancing three fresh cups of caf. “Let me help you with that,” he said, and plucked two of the cups out of her hands, extending one to me.

I nodded my thanks and reached out to take the cup, forcing myself to not jerk my hand away as our fingers brushed. A jolt of something spread up my arm, vanishing as quickly as it appeared.

We all took a first sip of caf in silence, and I watched them both, Ben and Alix. I was half-tempted to send Alix home while I dealt with Ben, but I knew even as I thought it that it was the wrong thing to do. The hangar bay had become a haven for Alix. If there was a problem here, it was my job to take it out of the hangar, not send Alix away. _So if things get… dicey with Ben, he goes. Not her. Decision made._ I must have nodded, or moved, or something, because suddenly both of their eyes were on me.

_Not weird. Not weird at all._

“So, Ben. What brings you to my door at” I glanced at the clock. “Just after two in the morning, looking for everyone’s favourite Resistance pilot?”

Ben glanced at Alix.

“She stays, if that’s your concern,” I said. “She’s my shop assistant.” Alix beamed for a second before trying to hide it behind a mask of quasi-adult calm. I winked at her, and the grin re-emerged.

“Very well.” Ben sighed. “I am sorry, to intrude like this.” I wanted to snap at him for apologising, again, for something so unimportant, but he seemed to sense my annoyance, and moved on. “I wanted to see if I could catch Commander Dameron - Poe - before he left. I’ve received an urgent message. From my mother. Well, from my mother’s caregiver.”

“What?” _General Organa’s caregiver? Was she ill?_ A dozen questions raced through my brain as Ben’s face saddened even further. How had I not noticed before? Was it that I hadn’t seen him in so long that I’d missed the fact he looked like he was already mourning someone?

“I think I have a month, at most, before she dies.” Ben swallowed, and I thought I saw the brightness of unshed tears before he blinked and it was gone. “If… If Poe were still around, I would have asked him to take me to the nearest liner.” Ben shook his head. “I guess I’ll wait for the next shuttle to the port day after tomorrow - well, tomorrow, I guess, and find a liner from there.”

“You’ll be shit out of luck,” I said flatly, and heard Alix gasp quietly at my language. “The next liner’s not due until a week from now. And that’s only a puddle jumper.” I felt my stomach sinking as I knew what I had to do. It was crazy, it was logical. It was the only option.

Ben’s face dropped even further, then his chin rose. “Then I’ll hire someone. There’s got to be someone at the port with a ship.” Alix had been watching the ping-pong match with interest, and I could _feel_ her wanting to say something.

I beat her to it. “Or you could just ask the person on the island with a functional ship.” Ben’s head jerked towards me in one of his lightning reactions, face disbelieving. I chuckled, and there was more humour in the sound than I’d thought possible. “Come on, Solo. Whatever there is between us, I’m not going to stop you from seeing your mother one more time.” _One last time,_ my mind insisted on completing. “Besides. I like your mom. She was amazing to me.”

Ben’s head was moving back and forth slowly. “I can’t… I can’t accept, Reya.” Something warm spread through me at my name on his lips, but I ignored it.

“Bullshit. You can and you will. Betsy’ll take two, and I can get you as far as a high-speed liner, or take you where you need to go. Your choice.” I’d almost forgotten Alix was present as I spoke with Ben until she spoke.

“Oh. My. Goodness,” she said, looking up at Ben with large eyes. “You’re Ben Solo?!”

 _I’m not old enough for this._ I wanted to hit myself repeatedly in the head. Or pretend it was a dream. Or something. But I was an adult. I opened my mouth, to explain, to say something, but Ben beat me to it.

“Yes. I am.”


	28. Twenty Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alix... reacts to meeting Ben

“Yes, I am.”

I stood paralysed for an interminable second, shocked beyond reason that Ben had so casually admitted something he’d hidden from me for months. And to Alix.

“Really?” Alix practically bounced on her toes as she turned to me. “You know such cool people, Chief! First Commander Dameron, now him!” She turned back to Ben, who was similarly non-plussed. “Thank you,” she said earnestly, holding out a little hand. “For killing Snoke, for going undercover and helping to end the War.”

Ben took her hand and shook it, moving robotically.

“Alix?” She turned to me. “Could you… explain?” She looked confused. “You see, for people of my generation, Ben is… Kylo Ren is…” I tried to find a way to say ‘seen as a mass-murdering, father-killing villain’ without being harsh, but I couldn’t.

Alix frowned at me. “What? You mean you believe all that propaganda? Kylo Ren is the last scum in the universe, the real heir to Leader Snoke, and the only reason he’s still alive is because people like General Organa and are too soft to kill him?”

“Alix!” Her name burst from me before I could stop it. _You couldn’t say things like that! You shouldn’t! Not.. Especially not with him just_ sitting _there!_

“What?” She continued looking up at me. “It’s not like it’s true.” I tried to come up with something to say to that, and was failing. It was far too early for this.

“Some of it is,” Ben said, and both of us looked at him instead. “I’m not a hero, Alix. All those awful things people say I did, that Reya knows I did - they’re all true.”

“Not all of them,” I said softly. _You didn’t kill Falon. I know that much._ Ben’s eyes darted to mine, and I gave him a sad smile. “Not all of them.” His eyebrows raised slightly, so slightly I might have imagined it.

“But why are you here anyway?” Alix asked. “I thought you were supposed to be somewhere in the Outer Rim. Or hiding out with Luke Skywalker. Or something cool.”

“Hang on,” I said, holding up a hand. “I’m still a little stuck here. Are you saying Ben’s become some kind of… cult hero?”

“Not a cult hero,” Alix said. “A real hero.” Her eyes shone as she stared up at Ben. It was almost sweet - she was short for her age, and he towered over half a metre over her, even slouched on a stool. I wondered absently if Ben had ever spent any time with any children before. “He went back to the First Order. Even though he knew he’d be tortured. And sent information to the Resistance for a year. And then he killed Snoke.”

“And the rest of the base,” Ben said, almost harshly. “And my father, and those kids at the Temple. And countless others. And I tortured your Commander Dameron, kid. Don’t forget that. Whatever I did that was good is a drop in the bucket compared to the bad I did. I’m no hero.”

 _There’s really no need for me to hate him,_ I thought wryly. _He does that just fine on his own._

“You didn’t answer my question,” Alix said, uncowed. “Why are you here?”

“Because it was the next planet over,” Ben said. “I… had to leave the planet I was on - most people aren’t as… tolerant as you are. Or as your Chief is, for that matter.” I shot him a glance. Tolerant? I didn’t quite think so. Ben caught my eye again and his lips twitched. “Come on, Reya,” he said, “How many other people would have settled for just leaving me be?” I remembered what Poe had said about death squads, about how often Ben had moved, and shook my head. I didn’t have anything to say to that. How could I say I’d never even thought about it?

“We’re wasting time anyway,” I said, the silence stretching too long for me. “Alix, call Madden. And Silva.” I glanced at Betsy, at the panels hanging in their spots on the wall. We were in the middle of doing another engine tuning. “We’re going to have to put Betsy back together, stat, and we need all hands on deck.”

“Aye, Chief,” Alix said, and darted out of the hangar to the com station.

“So,” I said, not daring to look at Ben, not anymore. The hangar seemed to have doubled in space as Alix had disappeared. The relative ease with which I’d been speaking with Ben had suddenly disappeared. “Where are we headed?”

“D’Qar,” Ben said. “I … If you could get me to the closest fast-liner station, that would be more than enough. I know I don’t have the right to ask anything of you.”

“Seriously, could you quit with that?” I asked, trying to make my tone as light as possible, instead of showing my growing annoyance. “I offered. You didn’t ask. My choice. Ok?” Ben was looking at me. Maybe, once upon a time, I would have been able to decipher that look, but I was clueless now. I just took a sip of caf, feeling vaguely uncomfortable under his gaze. I glanced at Betsy. “I suppose it’s too much to hope that you know how to fix a ship too?”

“Well,” Ben said, and actually cracked a small smile, a real one, with teeth and everything. “I’m not entirely clueless.”

“Good.” I chugged the last of the caf, then balled the cup up and lobbed it into the trash can. When I looked at Ben, he was staring at me again. “What?”

“Oh, nothing.”

I stood. “Get yourself a set of coveralls.” I gestured to the collection I’d started building in the corner. “Then get back over here. If nothing else, you can help put the paneling back on.”

“Aye, Chief.” Ben shot me the same salute Alix had used, and moved to the coveralls. I looked after him, not quite believing what had just happened. I watched Ben walking away from me, noticing his broad shoulders again, the way they narrowed past his waist and to his hips -

 _Reya, what the hell are you doing?_ I ran a hand through my hair as I turned back to Betsy. _You’re helping him? Kylo Ren?_

 _NO._ Another voice in my head stopped that. _I’m helping Ben. I do think he’s changed. He’s not a mass-murderer. Not anymore. I’m not sure he ever was. No one knows exactly what happened. Any of the times. Not in the Temple, not in Snoke’s lair, not in Starkiller Base._

Funny. I hadn’t realised my opinion had altered.

_And besides. What I said was true. I do like General Organa. And if what Poe said is true, she deserves the chance to see her son one more time._

Somewhere, in the recesses of my brain, another voice spoke. _And he deserves to see her too._


	29. Twenty Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so it begins...

“Let and Silva are on their way,” Alix said, banging the door behind her as she entered. She giggled, and I turned from where I was starting the engine rebuild. Alix caught my eye and giggled again. I raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t have to try two places,” she said simply, then dissolved into laughter again.

“What Silva and Madden get to in their own time is their own business,” I told her. “Could you make sure there’s enough caf for all of us, then get to work scouring those panels? We’re going to have to put a different coating on them if I want Betsy to survive a four-day flight.”

“Aye, Chief.” Alix scurried off towards the caf machine.

 _Well that’s interesting,_ I thought. I wondered exactly what Alix had caught them doing, or not doing, then put it out of my mind. I had other things to worry about. _And at least someone’s getting lucky._ That last thought made a corner of my mouth curve into a wry grin as I returned to my work.

“What can I do?” It was Ben. I was getting the intake valves oiled and set to be reattached to the engine, and I almost dropped them on the floor, which would have spoiled at least a half hour of work, what with. _Cool it, Trno. Quit being so jumpy._ I glanced to my right, where Ben was standing, and almost dropped the valves again.

The coveralls must have been too small for Ben, giant that he was, so he was wearing them as trousers, the sleeves tied together at his waist, his ubiquitous black long-sleeved shirt partly hidden. And the coveralls he was wearing?

Falon’s. Obviously. I took a breath and counted to five.

“Reya? Is this ok? I …”

“You’re fine,” I said, trying for light. I think I managed strained. I shook my head. “Not your fault you’re a beanpole. Could you help Alix?” He nodded. _If she’s watching you, you can’t screw it up too badly._ I raised my voice. “Ben’s headed over to help you, kiddo. You’re in charge, though.”

Alix’s head popped into view. “Got it, Chief,” she said, eyes slightly wide.

Ben moved to go help Alix, throwing me a salute along the way. It wasn’t quite Resistance-issue, but it was close. I wondered where he’d learned it. I tuned their voices out, hers high, his low, as I continued working on rebuilding the engine as quickly and safely as possible. I’d really counted on a full week’s work before flying Betsy again.

But my team and I had assembled a TIE fighter practically from scratch in 14 hours. I could do it again.

………………………

“Yes, I understand. You have my information?”

“Yes, Chief Trno.” I winced at the title. I hated to use it, but, desperate times called for desperate measures.

“Thank you very much, Stationmaster. I do appreciate it.”

“Anything for a hero of the War, my dear,” came the man’s voice, and I frowned again.

“We’ll be filing our flight plan within the hour.”

“Safe travels.”

“Thank you. Sorry to wake you so early.”

The stationmaster chuckled. “Not a problem. This way I’m up to make my wife breakfast for a change.”

“Have a good day,” I said, frown relaxing at the man’s glibness.

“You too, Chief.” I hung up, and my shoulders relaxed, tension I hadn’t realised was there draining from them. I turned and surveyed the work. Ben and Alix were working on coating the panels with the deep-space, long trip coating I’d given them, and doing fairly well. _Even though they’re both practically dripping with the stuff,_ I thought, lips twitching again. _At least it’s not toxic._ Ben was holding the next panel, standing behind it with a hand on the mounting piece where it swung, so Alix could spray it without the coating becoming irregular. Madden and Silva were working on the last two panels, scouring them so the coating would adhere properly, heads close together as they scrubbed.

I looked over at Alix and Ben to find Ben looking at me. Our eyes caught and held for an endless instant before Ben’s face twitched, his eyes closing as he got the tail end of the spray Alix was using. I chuckled, and went over to them, waiting to speak until Alix finished her last slow pass of the panel.

“We have our hyperspace jump request approved,” I said when she was done. “I’ll file a flight plan in a minute - I just wanted to check on progress first.”

Alix glanced at the stack of unfinished panels. “So far so good, Chief. Three more left, plus what Madden and Silva are doing.”

“What comes next?” I asked, reverting briefly back to teacher mode.

Her nose scrunched up in thought. “We wait for the panels to dry, then we put them back on the ship.”

I nodded. “Yup. We’re in the home stretch. Even though it’ll take a bit for the coating to dry.” I took a few steps and peered at the coating, trying not to notice how much closer the movement brought me to Ben. “Looks good, though, kiddo. Keep it up.”

“Chief?” That was Ben, this time. _Astute of him to use my title, I suppose. Although it is weird to hear it coming from him._ I glanced at him, only a few feet away, still holding on to the top of the panel’s mount. His sleeve had pushed down, and I thought I saw the beginnings of a wide, silvery scar. _Not important right now._

“Yes?”

“Did you get the jump slot you wanted?” That was a politic way of putting it.

“Yeah,” I said. “We jump at 1700 local time. It gives us just enough time to put everything back together, run tests, for me to sort out business here, and get up to the jump point.” _I’m sorry. I can’t do it any faster._

Ben nodded. “Sounds like a plan.”

I nodded in reply. “Well, keep up the good work, you two.” I winked at Alix. “Oh, and keep spraying Ben here. If you really work hard at it, you might actually end up coating him in the stuff as well.” Alix giggled, looked at Ben, then giggled some more. I ruffled her hair. “Well, I’m going to go file a flight plan. Don’t break my ship while I’m gone.”

“Aye, Chief,” Alix said, still smiling.


	30. Thirty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reya and Ben start their journey to D'Qar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this was delayed! I was travelling, and then a chapter didn't get posted...
> 
> Anyway, I hope you like it!

“Orbit Control, this is Chief Trno - we’re headed out of orbit, over.”

“Roger that, Chief. Have a good trip, over!” The reply cracked over my headset - I still hadn’t had a chance to check the wiring.

“Roger that, Base. See you when I get back. Over.”

 

 

And with that, we were headed further and further from the planet’s orbit, on our way to D’Qar. Ben and I, and our supplies, all crammed into Betsy.

My hands clenched on the controls, even though I didn’t even need to touch them. I’d been over the autopilot’s directions three times, handed them to Ben, then to Madden, then to the guys at the base. The autopilot was programmed, and I’d handed over controls thirty seconds ago. We were on our way.

To D’Qar.

I closed my eyes briefly, taking a few deep breaths as unobtrusively as possible. It was different, flying with Ben. Different than flying with Poe, different than flying with Madden or Alix, and different than flying alone. Not that I thought he would criticise me - _not that he should anyway, given that I’m flying to D’Qar free of charge, never mind at a moment’s notice_ \- but I was always aware of exactly where he was. It was as if he had some kind of forcefield around him, and I always noticed it. Not that I was so superstitious as to think it was Ben’s command of the Force causing my awareness. Although Ben had used the Force a few times since he’d shown up. Three times. Once to help lift a panel when the crane had broken down, once to make Alix grin - spinning an odd bit of metal, making it dance and spin, catching the light - and once to save her life, when she’d thought a piece of paneling was secure and had darted underneath to retrieve a tool.

“Ben?” I asked, before I could second-guess my desire to ask.

“Mmm… What?” The seat behind me shifted as Ben sat up straighter. “I’m sorry. Must have drifted off.”

“No worries,” I said. “As long as we don’t both do it.” I was refusing to think about how tired I was. As long as I was in denial, the stims could do a pretty good job of keeping me awake.

Ben shifted again.

“Anyway,” I continued, suddenly very glad he couldn’t see my face. I could pull as many faces as I wanted. He wouldn’t be able to tell. “I was wondering…”

“Yeah?”

“About how you saved Alix today - I - my memory’s a little wonky from that day, but you used it on me too, right? When I almost fell off the bench?”

I could almost _hear_ Ben frowning. “I’ve used the Force on you twice.”

“Twice?”

“I try not to use the Force unless someone’s in danger,” he said. “It’s not worth the questions, otherwise. And I don’t use it to influence someone’s mind. Ever.” There was a story behind that somewhere, but Ben kept talking. It was a line of inquiry I might pursue later. We were going to be in this ship for quite some time, after all. “I used it the day you found out who I was - when you rolled and the bench slipped out from underneath you.”

“And the other time?” I asked, when Ben paused.

“When we first met.” I frowned, trying to remember. Back when he was just the weird old neighbour guy who wore a hood. “You were standing at the top of those steps, and I thought you’d heard me come up. But when I said something, you turned and almost fell. So I pulled you back.”

“Oh.” I remembered the feeling of a hand on my backpack, remembered inspecting my sandwich for damage. “Oh - I thought you’d actually grabbed me.” I faltered. “But you were still too far away, weren’t you?”

Silence. “Oh. I nodded.”

I had to chuckle. “It’s weird, not being able to see the person you’re talking to, isn’t it?” I asked.

“It’s been a while,” Ben agreed.

“Thank you, by the way,” I said abruptly. “For saving Alix today. She could have been really hurt.” I saw the panel slip out of the tractor’s grip in my mind’s eye, heard Alix’s gasp, remembered my futile grab for the metal, and shuddered.

“It’s nothing,” he replied. “I saw it happening and I could do something.”

“It’s not nothing,” I shot back. “Really, Ben. Thank you.”

“It was the least I could do,” he said grudgingly. Then, in a softer tone. “She seems like a sweet kid.”

“She really is,” I agreed, smiling fondly. Then my face sobered. “I hope she’s ok while I’m gone.”

“You left her with your minions, right?”

“I’m sure Silva would love you calling her my minion,” I joked.

“They are, though,” Ben protested. “Isn’t that what people used to say? The engineers and their minions?”

“Not in my earshot,” I said. “But yeah, I gave Madden strict instructions to look out for her. Tela too.”

“But you’re still worried.” It wasn’t a question.

“Yeah.” I sighed. “Alix… She’s good at pretending to be fine, and then I find her in the hangar, sleeping with her notes because she’s been cramming five times the regular coursework. I worry.” I sighed again. “But I left her strict instructions to keep me updated how she is - how her mother is, which is the real question, really - and for Madden to do the same.” _I really hope she’s ok while I’m gone. I wouldn’t have gone for anything less than what I left for._

 _But what_ did _I leave for?_ I asked. _It’s not like I’m not terrified of going back, of being in that base again, of being on that planet, with those people. It’s definitely going to hurt. A lot._

_But I think it’s something I need to do. Put those demons to rest. Once and for all. And if the General truly is dying - and I think she is, otherwise why would Ben be in such a hurry to get back? - I’d like to pay my respects. It’s the least I can do._

Ben interrupted my reverie.

“Sorry?” I’d only caught half of his sentence.

“You’ve got a good crew there,” he repeated. “Madden, Silva, Alix, the others you were talking about.”

“And?” It felt like he was about to say something else.

“And nothing,” he said. Maybe I’d misread him. “It’s just nice. Family is a good thing.”

 _But you haven’t always thought so, have you?_ The snide voice in my head asked. “I’m lucky to have them,” I said instead, ignoring the urge to ask about Ben’s own family. He’d tell me, or he wouldn’t. I wasn’t going to be the one to bring that up. “They’ve done more for me than I can repay, really.” _They’ve kept me sane, given me purpose. Made me laugh._

“I think you undervalue your contribution,” Ben replied.

I snorted, then glanced at the autopilot.

“Hyper in five,” I said, effectively ending the conversation. “You ready, Solo? Or are you gonna upchuck all over the new flight seats?”

“Born ready, Chief,” he snarked back, and I grinned. Maybe this trip wouldn’t be so bad after all.


	31. Thirty One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first evening...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is a day late! Life... got in the way again. But we should be all set to post on Friday! Hope you enjoy!

I breathed deeply as Betsy’s hatch whooshed open. Canned air just wasn’t the same as air, real air, from a planet. I inhaled, enjoying the actual smells of things, of the dirt and the grass, of the metal, then started sneezing.

“Reya?” Ben asked from behind me. I held up a hand, not quite able to stop sneezing just yet. “Reya?!” I half-turned, realising my hand wasn’t actually high enough for Ben to be able to see it.

“I’m fine.” Sneeze. “Really.” Two sneezes. “Just…” Sneeze. “Pollen reintroduction effect.” The sneezing had finally, blessedly, stopped. “Crap on a cracker.” I pushed off my helmet, surveying the landing pad. It was a nice enough port, on a temperate section of the planet, and it was spring here, which was probably why my PRE was quite so awful. Extra pollen, new types of pollen, equalled me sneezing for a full two minutes. I hit the release on my harness and hopped out of Betsy, muscles complaining after being sat still for so long. I glanced at the seat behind me.

Ben was just pulling his hood down over his face. _Of course. He doesn’t want anyone to know who he is again._ Hood adjusted, he looked at me.

“How do you want to play this?” I asked. The hood tilted in silent question, and I shook my head, suddenly done with the whole charade. “I guess I’ll do the talking. Do you want to grab dinner before we head to the bunks?”

“You should eat something,” he replied. _Not what I asked. But fine._ I just nodded, knowing part of my snappishness was just me being tired. I’d be fine in the morning. When I wasn’t running on no hours of sleep after having flown my first 9-hour trip in hyperspace. Which I hadn’t slept through either. I’d been too busy being worried about something breaking. And then I’d piloted us into the planet, talked to Ground Control, and dealt with hangar and bunk space.

Although to be fair, Ben had given up a string of numbers when Ground Control had asked for payment.

_Least he could do._

“Want a hand out?” I asked instead. Ben shook his head.

“No, thank you.” I stretched from side to side, trying to get my muscles to loosen up as Ben swung himself out of his seat and down to the ground. I was glad the flight was only four days. There was a reason most people didn’t use TIE fighters to fly long distances. No wiggle room. Literally.

We headed off towards the canteen without speaking, some of the rapport we’d built over the months I’d visited apparently carrying over to this bizarre situation.

 _What will people think?_ I wondered as we started to pass people. _One short pilot, in flight gear, and one tall hooded guy with a flight suit underneath his cloak thing. I wonder…_

I watched the people as they watched us, the Trandoshians, the humans, the droids. The commercial pilots and crew, the government patrols. It was all bigger than the little spaceport I knew and loved.

A wave of homesickness threatened to swamp me, but I pulled myself together. _You’ll be home before you know it, Trno. It’ll be fine._

I passed over credits to the guy at the entrance to the mess, and he waved us both through, Ben walking close behind me so he could speak in my ear.

“You didn’t have to pay for me, you know,” he said.

I shrugged. “It’s a couple of credits,” I replied, careful to leave off his name. “No big deal.” Another shrug, and I passed him a tray. “Besides, you paid for the docking and bunking fees.”

Ben huffed, but took the tray. I noticed he’d left off the gloves and wondered if that meant anything.

We moved through the line, getting our food without speaking to each other or the servers, although I did nod in thanks - spacers weren’t exactly the most talkative bunch. We went into a place where there were no other living things of our own free will, after all.

“Over there.” Ben gestured to a table in the corner, almost empty.

“Sounds good.” I lead the way again, cutting through the mass of people, and wondered if I could persuade Ben to lead instead. He was taller. Maybe I could use him as a battering ram?

“Thank goodness,” I said, sitting down finally. I’d saved my tray twice from errant elbows, and almost collided with someone who’d stood up without looking. I surveyed the food in front of me. Greens, grains, and protein. And it smelled delicious. I looked up to find Ben’s hood looking at me. “What?”

He shook his hood. “Nothing. Enjoy your meal.”

“Weirdo,” I muttered under my breath as I started to eat, and heard Ben’s almost silent chuckle. I grinned as I took another bite of greens.

I’d be fine. It was three more days, two more nights after this. I could do this.


	32. Thirty Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this one's late - and short, but I got it done and wanted to post it. Hope you enjoy!

Ben was not a morning person. Most emphatically _not_ a morning person.

When I knocked on his door at 0600, like we’d agreed, he answered it with a nod, nothing more. Even though he didn’t have his hood on.

So, of course, being the mature adult that I was, I decided to needle him. Just a bit. “Morning, sunshine,” I said, leaning against the door frame. “Ready for food?”

Ben just stared at me for a minute, then shook his head. “You find this amusing, don’t you?” It wasn’t really a question, but I answered anyway.

“One of us should,” I told him, and watched as he slung his robe over his shoulders, adjusting the hood so it fell properly over his face.

I really shouldn’t have noticed how broad those shoulders were. Or how proprietary I felt, knowing I was the only one on the base who got to see Ben’s face. It really wasn’t a good thing. So I ignored it. Even though he was very tall. And his shoulders were very broad. And I quite liked his face.

_Stop it, Reya!_

“Ready for food?” I repeated, hoping my tone wasn’t too out of the ordinary. But Ben didn’t seem to find anything amiss. He picked up the bag with his things, slung it over one shoulder, and motioned for me to lead the way.

“God, I need caf,” I muttered, so softly even I could barely hear it. It was going to be a long trip. Three more days. Two more nights.

———

The cafeteria was packed. I’d thought last night was full, but I was wrong. There wasn’t a mostly empty table to be seen. Just odd slots here and there where there was space. Someone jostled my elbow, nearly sloshing my precious cup of caf all over my eggs.

“Watch it, spacer!” I called, barely audible over the noise. The man who’d bumped me turned, shrugged, and kept walking. “And this is why I like home.”

I felt Ben grow tense beside me.

“Want to sit?”

I felt, more than saw, his answering shrug. “I suppose we should.” I was about to lead the way, but Ben moved, and I followed, glad to have an opportunity to test out my Ben-as-mover-of-people theory.

And it worked. Well, for me. I could walk calmly behind Ben, not jostled, hurried, or worried about my food or drink, all the way to the end of a table that had four seats free at the end.

“How did you see this?” I asked, putting my tray down and sitting with a grateful sigh.

“Can I help it I’m tall?” Ben asked, and I had to laugh.

“You teasing me, Ben?”

“Maybe.” He took a gulp of his own caf, then sat next to me. I suddenly had nothing more to say.

_Stop it, Reya. He’s just sitting next to you. No big deal. I swear. Now eat your damn breakfast._

I picked up my fork and started eating.

Two bites in.

“Hey, you look familiar.” I looked up to the people sitting opposite us, fork paused in midair.

“What?” I was going to be polite. I had to be polite.

“Yeah. You. Do I know you from somewhere?” It was a guy, as nondescript as it was possible to be, from his off-blond buzz cut to his brown eyes. His uniform was dark blue, with teal shoulder flashes.

“Don’t think so,” I said, and went back to my eggs.

They really weren’t that bad.

“No really - you look familiar.” I took a deep, hopefully unobtrusive breath, and noticed Ben’s knuckles whiting around his fork. _Steady. Steady._

I looked up. “Look, spacer,” I said, “I don’t know you, you don’t know me. All I want is to have my food, drink my caf, and get off this planet on schedule. Ok?”

“You’re touchy, lady,” the man said. I ignored it. Idiots would be idiots. Hopefully I could get back to my breakfast now.

I was left alone for two minutes. Long enough for most of my caf to vanish and for me to get a decent start on my eggs. To my left, Ben ate almost robotically. I kept what I hoped was an unobtrusive eye on his hands, which were no longer white-knuckling the cutlery. 

It couldn't last, though. Another dark blue clad man set next to his fellows and looked across the table. 

"Hey," he said. "Aren't you-?"

"Trying to eat in peace?" Ben cut in. "Yes. We are." I hid a grin in my next bite of eggs. 

"Touchy," the guy said again, and I was definitely having problems keeping a straight face. 

"Perhaps," I put in, and ate the last of my eggs. "Ready?" I glanced over at Ben, whose much larger plate of eggs had disappeared as well. He nodded. I stood, taking my tray with me, and managed to get my tray to the disposal before I burst out laughing. 

Ben just dumped his tray and followed me as I walked, still chuckling. 

"You know, Ben, I think I'll keep you around," I said, thoroughly amused. "You certainly know to deter the riffraff."

"They were bothering you," he replied. As if that were that. 

"Thanks," I said, not knowing quite what to say. 

"Do we need anything else before we get off this planet?" Ben asked. 

I thought, then shook my head. "We have supplies, we refuelled last night. All set for our scheduled hyper time. No worries, Ben. Trno Airways will get you to your destination on schedule."

"I never doubted it for a moment."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... as I've been falling off the 'posting twice a week' bandwagon now I'm busier, I had a question. Would you all rather I post once a week, or as soon as I get a chapter done (which might be a bit more variable... Some weeks I have more time to write than others)? I leave it up to you...


	33. Thirty Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben finally talks.

It happened while I was doing my hourly navigation check.

We were still on course - the autopilot hadn’t crashed us yet, and things were going smoothly. I was about to dive back into my book when Ben spoke.

“I never meant to deceive you, you know,” he said.

“We’re really talking about this now?” I asked. _List of things I don’t want to do while in an enclosed space._

 _1: Discuss_ feelings _with Ben._

_2: No, that’s it. That’s the list._

“We don’t-“ Ben started, but I cut him off.

“No, it’s fine. Say your piece.” I could feel my annoyance, the ball growing in between my lungs, making my breathing shallower.

“Really, if you don’t-“ Ben stopped himself this time, then took a breath. “Like I said, I didn’t mean to lie to you.”

“Oh really,” I said, sarcasm dripping from every syllable. “You wear that cloak, what, because it’s comfortable?”

“It is comfortable,” Ben protested, and I had to huff a laugh at the affront in his tone. “But I take your point. What I meant was that I never meant to… I didn’t want anyone to know that I was… That I had been Kylo Ren. That much you can understand, surely?”

“I guess,” I said. I took the opportunity to ask something that had been bothering me. “Poe mentioned something about death squads?” _He was exaggerating. Right?_

“Those.” _Nope. No exaggeration. Darn._ Ben sighed. “It’s the reason I don’t give a name. I tried living as Ben. Or as Solo. Or any fake name. The first time people realised who I was, they came with blasters, trying to kill the last bastion of the First Order. Innocent people got hurt.”

“Oh, Ben. I’m sorry.”

“Why should you be?” His voice was harsh now. “Kylo Ren did horrible things. He’s the father-killer, the torturer, the destroyer of worlds. And I’m him. Don’t forget that, Reya. I don’t. And neither does anyone else.”

“But does killing you make things better?” I asked. “I mean, even when…” I swallowed. “Even when I thought you were responsible for killing Falon, I wasn’t about to take a pulser rifle from the armoury.” _I might have tried to punch you. But we both know that would have hurt me far more than you._

“Believe me, Reya, you’re among the minority.”

“People are stupid,” I grumbled, ignoring the now almost familiar warmth that spread through me when he said my name. “But anyway. There was a point you were trying to make. Somewhere in there, right?”

Silence. “I nodded.”

I chuckled.

“What I suppose I meant was… I never meant to cause anyone harm by hiding who I was. I just wanted to… to not have to move again in three weeks. To have to run and hide again. To have a home, or a semblance of one.” I could hear him shifting behind me, over the comm line. “I suppose I was selfish to even ask for that.”

I shook my head. “I don’t think so.” I wanted to scratch my head, but my helmet was on, so I ended up tracing a pattern on the control panel instead. “You did bad stuff. Awful stuff, actually. There’s no getting away from that.” My finger started to make an infinity symbol around two buttons. “But I don’t think you’re the person who did those things. Not any more. So why should you feel like you have to leave every two weeks? Why shouldn’t you have a home where you aren’t hunted by death squads? Why shouldn’t you deserve to have friends?”

“Reya.” It was almost a whisper, and I couldn’t figure out what it was. A question? An objection? A denial?

“Yeah?”

I heard him take a breath. A long, slow breath. “Can I tell you about my father?”

I froze completely. “Of course.” _What is he going to tell me? Do I really want to hear this?_

 _This could wreck everything._ And yet, I just sat there, watching the instruments, waiting for Ben to find the right words.

“I killed him. I don’t want you telling me differently. It was my fault. If nothing else, I created the circumstances that lead to him being on Starkiller.”

Pause. “Ok.”

“I’d been having doubts, before everything - ever since Jakku, and I met Rey, and Poe,” he paused. “No. When I captured Poe. And tortured him. I still have no idea how he even talks to me.”

I wanted to say something, anything, to stop the words from coming, to not have to hear this, but my mouth wouldn’t open, and Ben kept speaking.

“I kept… I kept thinking about my family. About Mom, and Dad.” He let out half a chuckle. “Especially about Dad. You know, Mom used to say he and I butted heads so much because we were so much alike. Not that I believed her, at the time. But he was the person I always had fights with, in my head. The little voice in the back of my mind, telling me what I was doing was wrong. That I could be better - that I _was_ better.

“That’s why, in a moment of, I don’t know, madness, hysteria, something, I sent off a feeler. To a Resistance cutout I knew about. That even Hux knew about. Some lower-level guy. It wasn’t much, something that could have been swept away as an information probe, but I’d been serious about it, at the time. The five seconds that it took to write the message. And then the guilt, afterwards. To be the perfect First Order soldier. The perfect Sith. I was always much better at that, than at being a Jedi, anyway.”

I made a noise then, not quite able to stop myself, and Ben chuckled.

“Oh, it’s true. Luke Skywalker’s nephew, General Organa’s and Han Solo’s son - I was never going to be good enough, never going to learn things fast enough. And with Snoke’s voice in my ear…”

“What?” The question came unbidden, but I needed the clarification, the explanation.

“Didn’t you know? Snoke was a powerful Force user. He had to be. And he’d been watching me since I was young. Started getting into my head when I was about thirteen, after a particularly bad fight with Dad. And he never really stopped. A little voice, always telling me that Dad was unfair, or that I deserved better, that there were easier ways, less noble ways.” He snorted. “And I, arrogant little shit that I was, believed it. It was easier than believing that I was rebellious, that my parents loved me.” Another snort. “So I wasn’t ever the best at the Temple. I should have been, could have been. It’s why my uncle was so hard on me, I think. He tried, saw the potential. But ….” He trailed off. “I was always more grey than he liked.”

There was silence as I processed the latest flood of information. _Snoke was talking to Ben? When he was thirteen? God, we’re all stupid at that age, for Christ’s sake. I can't even imagine- how screwed up must that be, to have someone whispering in your ear then? Talk about gas lighting._

"Whatever might have happened when I was younger ," Ben continued, his voice shoving me out of my reverie, "it doesn't excuse what happened later." I wanted to protest, but didn't. Something told me if I spoke up now, Ben might never speak like this again. "Anyway, I'd sent that one message to the Resistance. And I hadn't told anyone about it. And then the fiasco at Maz's. I had Rey, I knew they'd try and rescue her."

"And then she escaped." Another chuckle. "She's something else. Incredibly strong, even then, untrained. She got past my mental shields, smashed past them, and she saw. She saw everything. I ran. And then she broke her shackles, and I tried to find her, but instead, I found Dad."

I thought I'd been barely breathing before, but this was a new level of stillness. I kept myself completely still. I knew what came next. Han Solo, impaled on Kylo Ren's lightsaber.

"And he tried to get me to come in, to come home. Back to Mom, back to the Resistance." Ben made a sound in the back of his throat, and I couldn't tell whether it was a son or a laugh. "And I couldn't. I just... Part of me was willing, to come back, the other part was still too brainwashed by Snoke, too mired in the Dark. And I had my saber in my hand, and Dad was holding it, and he said he understood, and then..."

"And then he must have activated the saber himself."

 _What?_ All the breath I'd been holding rushed out of me like I'd been punched.

"I still have no idea how," Ben continued. "But my thumb was nowhere near the button, and Dad wasn't ever that Force sensitive, and suddenly the saber was on, and Dad was... Stuck. Impaled. On my fucking sword. Dying. Dead."

"I didn't have time to process, to even realise more than what had just happened, before people were shooting and Rey and Finn were getting away."

"I couldn't believe it, even though I was right there, seeing the life drain from his eyes. And suddenly everything was different, and I chased after Rey and Finn and Chewbacca. And I wanted... I wanted to die, wanted to kill, wanted it to end." Another harsh chuckle. "It almost did. Rey got me good. I'm still not sure whether to thank Hux or curse him for picking me up after that."

I did open my mouth to reply, but again, Ben kept talking.

"And now you know."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely humans!
> 
> I'm sorry for not updating in so long - life has been an absolute busy mess, but it's clearing up now, which means (hopefully) more time to write. Also, I saw CA:CW, and I'm all kinds of inspired to write... Hope you enjoy this chapter!


	34. Thirty Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Reya land for the evening. Only there's a problem....

"And now you know."

I had to breathe. Had to. I focused on that. Just that. Inhale. Exhale. Again. Inhale.

“Now I know,” I said. It was woefully inadequate. I knew it. But how could I possibly respond appropriately? What was an ‘appropriate response’ anyway? _Guess what? The thing you've always thought was true? The thing you could never understand? Didn't actually happen. And add in some major emotional trauma to boot._

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" I asked. My voice sounded small over the comm.

"Who would believe me?" Ben barked a laugh. "Hell, half the time I don't believe it myself - A lightsaber can’t turn on by itself. Isn’t it more plausible that I used the Force and didn’t realise it?”

“I believe you,” I said, voice still quiet, but not uncertain. _You have no reason to lie._

For a moment, there was silence. Then.

"Thank you." Ben's voice was low and fervent.

"Thank you," I replied. "For telling me." _It answers a lot of my questions. And raises a whole load of new ones._

“You should know.” At that moment, I wished more than anything that I could see Ben’s expression. I couldn’t decipher that tone in his voice, couldn’t tell what he was thinking, how he was reacting.

The computer chose that moment to beep at me, giving the five minute warning for our next jump out of hyper and into n-space for a course change.

“Let’s get you to your mom, Ben Solo,” I murmured absently, scanning the information the computer was obediently showing me.

 

…………………………………….

“Could you repeat that?” It came out polite, but just barely.

“We’re out of singles, Chief,” the woman I was talking to repeated. “Sorry, but there’s a liner in dock, and they’ve got a lot of officers not aboard.”

 _Crap._ “Hold one, please.”

“Holding,” the lady said, and I leaned my head back against the seat as I closed my eyes and thought. _So there aren’t any single rooms left. None at all. Even if there were one, I’d put Ben in that one and take potluck. But there aren’t any at all. Which means…_

 _Crap. I’m going to have to share a room with Ben._ My stomach decided to do a double backflip at the thought. _I hope like hell there are doubles left too._

“Ben?”

“Yes?” The reply was quick - he hadn’t been taking a nap, and as I’d been chatting on the ship frequency, not a private one…

“Did you catch that?”

“No private rooms,” Ben said, answering my question.

“We’ll have to share, I guess,” I said. “I don’t think either of us want to sleep with strangers.” I played back the last part of my last sentence, then backtracked. “Not quite what I meant…”

“I know what you meant.” There was quite a lot of humour in Ben’s voice. “But I’m happy sleeping in Betsy. I’m not sure… it might not be safe - or restful - for you to sleep in the same room as me.”

“Bushwah.” I waved off his concern, and re-opened the channel to the base. “Base, this is Chief Trno.”

“Chief Trno, this is Base.”

“Sorry for the delay - checking some things with the copilot.”

“No worries, Chief.”

“About that room - you don’t happen to have a double free, do you?”

“One bed or two?”

“Two.” That wasn’t up for discussion. Or at least, I hoped it wasn’t. And I was carefully not thinking about why I wasn’t thinking about it.

“You got it, Chief.” I heard the clicking of keys, then, “Ok, you’re booked. We’ll have the authorisation code for you when you land, and your re-entry slot is booked. Fly safe, Chief.”

“Thanks, Base. Trno out.”

………………………….

 

“So.” I stood with my bag slung over one shoulder, staring at the door to my room. _Our_ room. _Why the hell am I nervous? It isn’t like anything was going to happen, right? I’m an adult. I can handle sharing a room with Ben. All 6-foot of him._

“So.” Ben was behind me and slightly to my right, hooded, as he always was in public. I spared a thought for how we must look, the pilot in her orange flight suit, the tall man in a black hood towering over her. Either hilarious, or vaguely foreboding. _Hopefully the former and not the latter._

I punched in the code we'd been given as we checked in, listening to my heart pounding faster than normal. Couldn't he hear it?

I stepped into the room as the hatch opened, the lights coming on automatically as I turned my head to inspect our home for the night. The room was much as I expected, two beds bunked on top of one another, one desk, one closet, and a door that lead to the bathroom. This facility had opted for the "boring but functional grey primer" colour scheme, I noticed as I swung my bag onto the top bunk. I liked it better than the “infant poop brown primer” some bases preferred. But then, I’d always thought those who liked that colour were colourblind.

"Dibs," I said as the bag bounced once on the mattress, then settled.

"I thought it was traditional to claim the bottom bunk," Ben said, hood already thrown back. He looked wan, I decided as I examined his face for the first time that day. Like he could use a good meal, or a hug, or a good night’s sleep.

"I'm weird," I replied. _Besides. You've had a rough day. And if you need to sprawl, better you do it closer to the ground - you're less likely to fall, that way._ I climbed the ladder and sat cross-legged on the mattress. The thing had decent bounce, neither too soft nor too hard - I’d definitely slept on worse. And anything was better than having to sleep sitting up in Betsy. I pulled my bag onto my lap out of habit, as much as anything else, and pulled out the clothes destined for the ‘fresher. Our stop the previous night hadn’t had one, and I had no desire to put on dirty clothes for a second day.

“You got anything you want cleaned?” I asked, nose still in my bag as I searched for the top I knew was buried somewhere.

Ben hummed, considering. “Yes, I do. Just a second.” I looked up to see Ben’s black shirt coming off, and almost choked trying to swallow my gasp of shock.

Not shock because of seeing Ben shirtless. Ok, some shock seeing Ben shirtless. Although I would have been lying if I hadn’t said I’d imagined it, once or twice. But mostly, my surprise came from the action itself. That Ben was comfortable enough to shed his clothing in front of me. I hadn’t so much as seen a bare forearm before, and now I saw…

_Scars. So many scars._

He was covered in them, criss-crossing lines that covered his arms, stretched across his shoulders and his chest, onto his stomach.

 _My gods, Ben. What_ happened _to you?_

I was too startled to try and guard my expression, so when I finally dragged my eyes to Ben’s face, he was looking back at me, expression clouded.

“So, just the shirt, then?” I asked, trying to make as light of the situation as I could. I snagged the shirt out of Ben’s hand as I leaned forward and descended the ladder again.

_Don’t make this weird. Don’t make this weird. Don’t make this weird._

I tossed the clothes in the ‘fresher and fiddled with the settings, grateful for the chance to give my brain something else to concentrate on. We didn’t need the full works - no engine grease, no mud. Just normal human dirt. I pushed the last of the settings on the ‘fresher and turned back to face Ben. He had another shirt on. Another black, long-sleeved shirt.

“Ready for dinner?” I asked, feeling my stomach rumble.

“You don’t have to pretend everything’s normal,” Ben said, slinging his bag on his bunk. I crossed the room to lean on the desk, considering how to respond.

“Why wouldn’t it be?” I asked. “Your body is your business, Ben. If you want to tell me how you got those scars, you will. Until then, I won’t ask.”

Ben’s eyes found mine and held. “Reya.”

“Yeah?” His gaze slid sideways, focusing on something not in this room.

“Tomorrow.” I must have made some kind of inquiring noise, because a corner of his lips twitched. “I’ll tell you what happened tomorrow.”

“You don’t-“ I protested, but he cut me off, standing up again.

“I know I don’t have to. I want to.” Something in my stomach lurched at his words. He walked closer to me, and closer, paused just a few inches away, and then leaned past me to grab his cloak. “Dinner?” he asked, as if he hadn’t nearly given me a heart attack, making sure the cloak was lying properly on his shoulders.

“Yeah, of course,” I breathed, heart thundering, wondering why I was suddenly so aware of him, how he was suddenly having this effect on me. A picture of Ben, shirtless, scars and all, flashed in my brain.

_Well, that certainly doesn’t help my concentration any._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's starting to get hot in here....
> 
> Let me know what you think!!


	35. Thirty Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reya's having issues concentrating on dinner.

_What’s happening to me?_ I wondered as Ben’s shoulder brushed mine as he leaned over the table for some salt. _He’s touched you before. There’s no need to get so worked up about it!_

But there it was. Every time we bumped into each other, every time Ben was behind me in line, ever since we’d left our room, I’d felt hyperaware of where Ben was. It was ridiculous. Nothing had changed.

Except that he’d told me that he _hadn’t_ killed his father. And I’d seen him without a shirt. To be honest, the latter was still giving me pause for thought. Both the realisation that Ben kept himself in very good shape, indeed, but also that he must have been through some kind of hell to have those scars. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what had caused them, although I had a sneaking suspicion. I’d seen Finn’s back, seen the scar - from Kylo Ren’s lightsaber - stretching diagonally across his back.

Ben’s shoulder bumped mine again as he leaned back, rocking me back into the real world.

“You all right?” he asked, leaning to murmur into my ear. The hot breath of his exhale tickled, and I fought to keep from shivering.

I nodded, giving him the best smile I could. I knew it looked forced. “I’m fine.” I took a bite of my dinner, and made a face. It had cooled considerably since I’d taken a bite. _Yikes. I really am out of it._

I took another bite, and then another, trying to finish the stew, or whatever it was - I hadn’t been paying attention when they’d put it on my tray - before it cooled down completely.

“Hey, spacer,” a voice said, and I looked up. A woman from across the table and a few seats down was looking at me. “Hey,” she said, and I raised my fork in greeting, working on my current bite of curry. It really wasn’t worth eating. Except I needed some calories for the day, or I’d collapse tomorrow.

I washed down the stew with some water. “Hey,” I said.

“Welcome to port,” she said.

“Thanks.” I pushed around the swill with my fork. I’d get another MRE pack tomorrow morning. Even those were preferable to this.

“Travel these parts much? Don’t recognise you.”

I shook my head. “Nope. We’re just passing through.” I felt Ben tense slightly next to me, and I felt the need to cover his hand with mine. To reassure him. Of course I didn’t. But that didn’t stop me from leaning towards him slightly, feeling his shoulder brush mine again. He relaxed. Slightly.

“I only ask ‘cause we have a bonfire most nights - out behind runway 186,” the lady said, pushing an errant curl behind one ear. “Some drinking, some stories, it’s usually fun. You two should come.”

“We’ll think about it,” I said, mentally dismissing the idea. I doubted Ben wanted to be near more people than necessary. The woman must have sensed my dismissal, because she just nodded.

“Most people would love to hear your stories, I think,” she said.

“Oh please,” I shrugged it off. “My stories aren’t any more interesting than anyone else’s.”

“Correct me if I’m wrong, Ma’am,” the spacer said, using the military title I hadn’t heard in years. “But Chief Trno’s stories have to be interesting. Right?”

 _Well crap._ Ben’s hand dropped his silverware, fingers very steady on the tabletop. I turned so I was facing the woman and leaned forward slightly, blocking her view of him, and vice versa. I felt Ben’s hand on my back, and I tried to relax, trying to make him relax as well.

“Are you saying I’m Chief Trno, spacer?” I asked calmly, not even sure myself what I wanted the answer to be.

“Aren’t you?” she shot back. “Ma’am?”

“Don’t call me that,” I snapped, patience with my purposeful ignorance over. “And fine. I’m Chief Trno. Although why that’s so frigging interesting, I have no clue.” Ben’s hand tightened on my back.

“You…” the woman said, her eyes widening, “You… You have no idea, do you?”

“Of what?” I asked tiredly.

“You’re a legend, Chief. We’d be lucky to hear some of your stories.”

“They aren’t fun,” I said. “Who wants to hear about trying to keep Xwings and TIE fighters going with duct tape and hope? Sounds depressing, if you ask me.”

“I would,” she said. “And I’m sure other people would too.” Her eyes were shining, and I recognised the look, even if I couldn’t remember seeing it directed at me. I’d seen it on people when they looked at General Organa, or Finn, or Rey. Or even Poe. It was hero worship.

I snorted. _As if._ “If I say I’ll come to this bonfire tonight, will you keep my presence here secret? I don’t want to cause a fuss. As I said, we’re just passing through.”

The woman’s head nodded so quickly, I thought it might come falling off. “Of course, Chief. Thank you! It’ll be an honour.”

I sighed. “Thanks, spacer.” I frowned. “Do you have a name? I’ll find you at the fire.”

“Yun. Specialist May Yun, from the _Quentin Imperial._ ”

“Pleasure to meet you, Specialist Yun,” I said, extending a hand over the table.

She scooted over to grab it. “Likewise, Chief Trno.”

“If you’ll excuse us,” I said, leaning back and putting my silverware on the table.

“Of course,” Yun was nodding again. Ben’s hand left my back, and I noticed the lack more than I’d noticed its continued presence as he stacked his cutlery on his own, empty, tray.

“Shall we?” I asked, and he nodded. Without another word, Ben and I dropped off our trays and walked back to our room.

Once inside, I began to bash my head against the upper bunk, gently, but repeatedly.

“What the hell have I gotten myself into?”


	36. Thirty Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reya has feelings....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally just finished this, so if there are typos, etc, please excuse them!

The next time I banged my head against the bed, my forehead hit flesh instead. Ben’s hand, to be exact.

“Ben,” I grumbled. “Trying to be masochistic here.”

“I think you do enough of that already,” Ben replied, voice full of a laugh he wasn’t prepared to share.

I turned, using the bunk for support instead of a place to bash my head.

“So.”

Ben had pushed his hood back, and I could see his expression. A small smile played around his lips, but his brow was furrowed.

“So,” he replied.

“Guess I’m going to this bonfire thing,” I said.

“You could just stay here,” Ben replied.

“Nope.” I shook my head. “My guess, if I don’t show, is that Specialist Yun, well-meaning though she may be, will spread rumours. And if I have this great ‘vaunted reputation thing’,” I made a face as I said the words, “I suppose I’d better actually keep the damn thing up. Might come in handy sooner or later.” I sighed and scratched at my head. “You don’t have to come, though. Stay here - read a book. Be pleasantly bored.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“What?” My head shot up from staring at the peeling paint on the bunk bed. “Don’t tell me you actually want to spend time in a group of people?”

“Neither do you,” Ben said calmly. “You could use someone to watch your back.”

“You don’t honestly believe someone in that group is going to hurt me,” I protested.

“Stranger things have happened,” Ben said. “And a little extra caution never hurt anyone anyway.” He opened his mouth again, like he was about to say something else, so I waited. But nothing else came. He just looked back at me, and I fell.

I fell, right into his eyes, and realised I’d been on the precipice for quite some time. _If this isn’t some kind of universal joke, I don’t know what is,_ I thought, noticing yet again that his eyes weren’t actually black, but eddies of the darkest brown. _I’m falling for Ben Solo. For the man who was Kylo Ren, for the man who I hated for years, who I thought killed my first love. I’m falling in love with Ben._

_Gods, how long has this been going on?_

“Reya?” My name on his lips, in _that_ voice, snapped me back to the present.

“Sorry, what?” I shook my head once, firmly, trying to clear it. Ben half-smiled, and I felt my heart flip in answer. _Ridiculous. You’re being ridiculous._ I stomped down the butterflies and looked around, trying to look at anything but Ben.

“I was asking if you wanted to pick up a MRE on your way - you didn’t exactly eat much at dinner.” I was watching him again - my resolve to _just not look at him_ had clearly already fallen by the wayside. So my eyes followed his forehead as it wrinkled. “Are you all right? Really?” His arm moved, as if he were going to - what? touch me? - then slid back to his side.

I nodded. “I’m fine, I promise.” I smiled. _Well, kind of._ “Nothing a half-cup of caf and an MRE won’t cure.” I rubbed my eyes. “I think I get what Poe was talking about - long journeys. They mess with your brain.” _In more ways than one, Trno. In more ways than one._

 

 

…………………………………

 

 

In some ways, walking out to the bonfire would have been the same, whether or not I’d discovered I was falling for Ben. We still chatted on the way, more me than him, as he was hooded up again. We still brushed shoulders, he still stood protectively behind me, although the protectiveness might have just been my wishful imagination, not his actual intent. I could still feel him getting more and more tense as we strode outside, as we smelled the smoke and heard the chattering voices.

The smoke.

“Are you sure you’re going to be ok with this?” I asked, stopping Ben with a hand to his arm. “There’s absolutely no reason to subject yourself to this if it’ll make you uncomfortable.” I was trying not to notice how muscular the arm under my fingers was - Ben’s mental comfort was more important than my crush, or whatever it was.

Ben shook his head once. “I will be fine.” I raised an eyebrow. I knew that tone. He hadn’t moved away from my hand, letting it rest against him - I hadn’t grabbed him, not really, just put my hand up against him so he stopped. But he hadn’t moved. He sighed. “I will be fine. I … would be more worried if you were out here by yourself.”

“I can take care of myself, you know,” I reminded him. No matter the warm feeling in my chest, I didn’t want _anyone_ thinking I was anything less than independent. “I’ve been doing it quite a while.”

I heard the half-chuckle and could picture the half-smile he’d be wearing, if I could see his face. “I’m well aware of it,” he replied. Then his tone changed into something more serious. “Let’s … let’s just say that this is more for my benefit than yours. My imagination can be quite… vivid when left to its own devices.”

I grimaced. My own worst case scenarios were bad enough, but Ben’s? I didn’t even want to think what horrors he could imagine. “Fine. But if you need to leave, tell me. We’ll go.”

He nodded, although I knew he wouldn’t use the out. _Stupid masochistic soldier types. You’re all the same._

“Ok. Let’s go.” I turned and kept walking, letting my hand drop as I moved away. The air was colder, away from Ben, and I stopped myself from shivering by sheer willpower. _You will not, repeat_ not _go all wishy washy over some guy. Even when that guy is Ben. You hear me?_

“Chief!” Yun was standing near the edge of the gathered crowd and waving. I raised my hand in response, forcing an answering smile and hoping it looked natural.

“Specialist,” I replied as soon as I was in easy earshot. “Nice fire you’ve got going.”

“Yeah, it’s gonna be great!” The woman was practically bouncing up and down, and I suddenly felt very old. “People heard you were going to be here and half the base turned out!”

I surveyed the crowd, parts of which were trying not to be caught staring. At me, at Yun. At Ben. _Shit._

“Well, I hope they’re not disappointed,” I said, making my decision. I’d try to get as much of the spotlight on myself so none of it splashed on Ben. _The things I do for the people I care about…_

“We’ll just get you in the centre here, close to the fire-“ Yun put a guiding hand behind my elbow, but stopped when Ben took my other arm.

“I’ll be here, but not in the crowd. Ok?” I heard the worry in his voice, and I nodded. Lots of people in a crowded space was bad news for staying under the radar. Or preventing panic attacks. Or whatever else he was thinking.

“Of course. Be safe.” He squeezed my elbow, then let Yun drag me further into the crowd.

“That your bodyguard?” Yun asked. “It’s kinda creepy, the way he keeps that hood up.”

I chuckled. “Bodyguard? No. Not a bodyguard.” _Although I wouldn’t mind him guarding my body._

_Where did that come from? Yikes!_

“No, he’s a friend - I’m giving him a ride. He’s got a sick relative,” I continued, blessing the fact I had a half-decent brain-to-mouth filter.

“Sure,” Yun said, glancing back over her shoulder. I searched for something to get her mind off Ben, but it proved unnecessary, because we were entering the centre of the crowd of spacers, and were greeted by friendly hoots and hollers.

I couldn’t help but grin. There was something universal about spacers. Something about knowing you all ventured into a place really not meant for living creatures and survived, every day. A shared camaraderie. I soaked it in, even as Yun held my arm aloft and began shouting.

“Spacers!” she called, and the group quietened. They weren’t silent, not that I expected anything less - drunk and getting drunk spacers weren’t exactly the most biddable people in the universe. “I bring you a storyteller - a folk hero, a hero of the War, whose story is being told across the Spaceways.” I tried to pull my arm away, feeling my face heat as I blushed. “The woman who kept the Resistance fighting with dreams and duct tape, the girl who worked on ships for Poe Dameron, for Han Solo, for the great General Organa! I give you - Chief Reya Trno!”

The spacers roared their approval, and I turned in place as Yun dropped my arm, nodding and half-bowing, supremely embarrassed and proud in waves. _Do people really say things like that about me? I’m just a mechanic. A good one, and one that was in the right place at the right time, but still…._ I spotted Ben in the shadows, leaning against a shipping container, and wondered what he was making of all of this. I shot him a wry grin, and then held my hands up. _Time to do this. Whatever_ this _is._

“Spacers!” I called, trying to get them to quiet down. My raised hands had helped, but the noise was still too loud for me to be heard. And I had no desire to shout for the entire evening. A few more people fell quiet, but the noise level didn’t drop much. _If at first you don’t succeed,_ I thought with a touch of humour, and opened my mouth again.

“SPACERS!” I shouted louder, infusing as much command voice into it as I could. The noise dropped. “If you want me to talk, you will have to be more quiet,” I continued, still projecting my voice as I turned on the spot once more. With every word, more people settled down and paid attention to me. My heart started to pound in my ears, but I tried to pay it no attention. This was what I wanted. _I think._

“Hi,” I said, when I felt like I could speak at a more or less conversational volume. “I’m Reya Trno.” A chuckle rumbled through some of the crowd. “Specialist Yun asked me to be here, but if I’m honest, I’m not sure what you want me to say - it’s not like I do this often.” Another chuckle, a bigger one, this time.

I smiled, a small but real one, and I continued. “I’ll tell a few stories, if you all like.” Nods, choruses of approval. I held up a hand. “On one condition. This is a one-time thing. Feel free to record this, to tell your friends, do what you want - you will whatever I say - “ I glanced over at a spacer in a bright blue flight suit who had a recorder out and grinned at him when his eyes widened. “But I’m not making a habit of this. I’m not reliving things that I put behind me for a reason for the amusement of strangers. I’m not a sideshow attraction. I didn’t sign up for that, not like the General, not like Master Skywalker. Don’t make me one.” I surveyed the crowd.

“Do we have an agreement?” Heads nodded, a few people mumbled. I had no idea if it would work, but it was worth a try.

“Ok then.” I cleared my throat, and someone shoved a bottle into my hand. I looked down. It was Specialist Yun.

‘Water,’ she mouthed, and I nodded my thanks, taking a quick gulp.

“So…” I began, going through the story I thought I’d tell. “This one’s about our favourite shaggy haired idiot Best Pilot In the Galaxy, who doesn’t know how to read engineering manuals.” A chuckle. “Yeah. I’m talking about Poe Dameron. Who wasn’t a Commander at the time - he was… A Captain, I think. I didn’t pay much attention to ranks at the time. Didn’t seem important…”

“One day, he and the squad he was part of came haring back to D’Qar. It was a nice day, and I’d taken my team outside, to inspect the spare planes - we had two, at the time-“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So folks, a question for you - do you want to hear the story Reya's telling, or should I get on with the plot? I don't mind either way. Opinions, please!!


	37. Thirty Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you answered (well, Pharm answered), and I obeyed - here's the aftermath of the story-telling session. Hope you enjoy!

“I really do need to go now, spacers,” I said, my throat getting ever scratchier, even with the water I drank. “I’ve got another leg of my journey tomorrow.”

A groan. I’d told the story of Poe the Purple Pilot, a few of Finn and Rey’s exploits when they went camping for the first time, helping R2 pranking C-3PO, and my favourite BB-8 stories. And then people had started asking questions.

I had deflected as many questions as I’d answered, but the variety had surprised me. Everything from practical, engineering questions about the systems I’d worked with, to questions about people, to questions about me. One spacer, a man with particularly pretty blue-green eyes and dark hair, had even asked me if I was single.

I’d forced myself not to look at Ben, to not even glance at him, as I replied. ‘I’m not looking for anyone,’ I’d told him, which I hoped was both vague enough and negative enough to discourage anyone from asking.

And it was true. I didn’t have to look for anyone. Even if Mr. Green Eyes had been supremely attractive. Apparently I liked my men tall, brooding, and covered with scars. I _had_ to get that story out of Ben. _Tomorrow._

“Let’s let her sleep, then,” Yun called, and the spacers grumbled, but I just grinned and waved.

“It’s been nice chatting with you,” I said, passing her the now-empty bottle back, feeling awkward again as I began to make my way through the crowd. People reached out and brushed my arms, saying their thanks, saying hello.

 _Too many people._ I was starting to get claustrophobic, but I pushed the rising panic down with an iron fist. I smiled back, said thanks in return, shook as many hands as I could, and tried to remain calm.

_I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m -_

I was out. Out of the crush of people, and I let out the breath I hadn’t realised I’d been holding, and started looking for Ben.

“Reya.”

And there he was, practically invisible from more than three metres away, still hooded, still tall. And supremely comforting.

“Hey.” I felt myself relaxing further as I walked over. “Ready to get out of here?”

“Indeed.” We directed our feet away from the crowd of spacers, the crowd that was starting to break up itself, individuals and small groups splitting away from the rest, to go on drinking elsewhere, perhaps, or to get to their own bunks. Ben chuckled, and I turned my head to look at him.

“What’s so funny?”

“I was just thinking…” Ben said, chuckling again, and my stomach did a little flip that felt nothing like the nervous butterflies I’d felt earlier. “About Dameron completely purple,” he explained.

I snorted myself. “That was hysterical. Also, served him right. Fragging his comp on a non-essential flight? Please.” I huffed. “But the best part was, when he went to report to the General, she just acted as if nothing was wrong.” I grinned. “He even tried to complain to her, and she just tilted her head in that way of hers, and said ‘don’t piss off your engineer, next time.’” I had to laugh. Then I sobered. “Sorry, Ben, I didn’t mean…”

“No, it’s all right.” Fabric swished onto my arm, and Ben’s hand covered mine, briefly. Too briefly. I almost stumbled, with the shock of it. “I accepted a long time ago that she’s everyone else’s mother, or favoured aunt, as much as she is mine.”

“That’s not… that’s not true,” I protested instinctively.

“Isn’t it?” Ben asked. It could have been accusatory, or even harsh. Instead, the question came out as much sad as anything else, and my heart broke a little. _How must it feel, to believe that your mother isn’t just_ yours _, that she’s everyone else’s too. And then… Poor Ben._

“I don’t think so,” I said gamely, trying to change his mind. “I mean, even though I totally looked up to the General - still do, as a matter of fact - she wasn’t family… I mean, we all cared about her, but she was some kind of, I dunno. Larger than life figure, I guess. One step removed. I think Rey and Finn got as close as anyone else could, but… somehow you knew everyone else wasn’t family.” I pictured the General’s desk, the one holopic that always rested on it, despite whatever happened - a young Leia Organa, Han Solo, and Ben, when he was about ten years old, all staring at the camera. _Not that I think I can tell that to Ben._ “Family was always important to her, I think. Not that I knew her that well anyway.”

Ben didn’t say anything to that for a while. Not as we entered the base again, not as we passed the mess and picked up MRE’s for the next day. But as we exited, the harsh lighting of the mess changing to something warmer as we reached the personnel quarters.

“Thank you,” he said finally.

“What?” I said, intelligently. I’d been thinking of other things. Or trying to not think of them. Trying to not think how broad Ben’s shoulders were, how small and protected I would feel, if he were to put his arms around me, how silky his hair might feel, if I ran my fingers through it -

“For saying what you said - about Mom.”

“Oh.” I swallowed. “Of course.”

“And thank you, for getting me to see her, before she…” We were at our quarters, and I opened the door before replying.

“Ok, for one thing, you already said thanks, and I’d do it for practically anyone, and you aren’t just anyone.” I dumped the MRE’s and turned to face Ben, who had just stepped through the closing hatch door. “You’re a friend, Ben. My friend. So of course I’m going to help you get to your mom.” Ben’s hands paused as he lifted the hood off his head. Or I thought they did. Then the hood was gone and I could see his face again.

I looked away as quickly as his face appeared. Somehow, it was easier dealing with Ben when I couldn’t see exactly how handsome his face was. Scar over the eyebrow and over-long nose and all.

“And besides all that,” I continued, not exactly sure where this babble-rant was going, but not quite able to stop myself, “besides the fact that I’m more than happy to take you, besides the fact that I would want to pay my own respects, besides the fact that it’s giving me the chance to pilot Betsy interstellar for the first time, besides that, Ben, it’s the right thing to do.” I’d moved to stand closer to him, practically chest to chest, or, more appropriately, collarbone to nose, and when had I done that?

“I guess what I’m saying is you don’t have to thank me,” I said more softly. I looked up at Ben’s face, which was tilted slightly down, watching me. There was something in his eyes, something I didn’t want to think about too much, as I was trying not to think about the nerve endings that were tingling with how close I was to Ben. “How sick is she, anyway?” I asked finally. “If you want to tell me, that is. How sick is your mom?”


	38. Thirty Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben shares what's going on with Leia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I gave myself feels writing this.... I can't wait to hear what you think!!!

“How sick is your mom?” The question hung in the air, and I wondered if I’d gone too far, even as I peered up into Ben’s face, momentarily brave to scan his eyes for a change in expression.

He sighed, bringing his arm up so his fingers could pinch the bridge of his nose. The air from his movement swirled up against my arm, making me shiver.

“Are you cold?” he asked, dropping his hand, ghosting it almost along my arm.

I shook my head. “I’m fine.” I smiled. Ben’s lips twitched, but it wasn’t a real smile. His eyes stayed worried.

“It’s not good,” he said, and I was confused for a moment, before I remembered. _Leia._ “Her doctors - they say she’s got another few weeks left, optimistically.” He moved away, leaning against the desk and staring into space.

I’d turned on a heel, watching him move, head spinning. “But how? She’s not..” _She’s not old,_ I wanted to say. _She’s not that old. Why is she dying?_

But maybe Ben knew me too well. “She’s not old?” He barked a laugh. “Maybe not. But that’s what happens when you’re exposed to too much radiation.”

“How?”

“She was captured. After I was playing double agent, but before I had enough power to get her out immediately. She was slung inside the containment chamber of one of the ships - I couldn’t get to her, didn’t even know until after she’d been sprung.” My mouth dropped. Inside a containment chamber. A chamber built with three layers of armour, and argon in between those. Always pressurised. Because it was nothing you wanted close to your shipmates.

Ben kept talking. “She was in there for two days. Two days, before Finn managed to break her out.” Ben ran a hand through his hair. “And she seemed… remarkably fine, at first. Or at least, that’s what I hear. I wasn’t there. But a few years ago. She started showing symptoms. Hair falling out. Cancers. Tumours appearing, reappearing almost as quickly as the doctors could get rid of them.”

I’d moved. Taken a few steps so I was closer, wanting to offer comfort, or something. But what could I do? What could _anyone_ do in a situation like this one? “The docs realised what it was about a year ago. And I’ve been biding my time, waiting for the call.” Ben’s eyebrows pulled together, and his eyes closed completely. “I guess it’s not enough that I killed one parent,” he practically whispered. “I guess I should be responsible for her death too.”

“It’s not your fault!” I said, and I stood in front of him, putting a hand on his shoulder without second thought. Not thinking how he might react, not thinking what this was going to do to my own emotions. And then Ben froze.

He froze under my hand, and slowly, very slowly, his head tilted upwards until his eyes found mine, eyes questioning.

“It’s not your fault,” I repeated, more softly this time, my thumb moving backwards and forwards across the fabric of Ben’s shirt without my conscious permission. The fabric was soft - so very soft - and I was almost pulling it with every back and forth, so fine was the weave. I could tell Ben didn’t believe what I’d said, didn’t believe me, so I continued, still softly, but emphatically. He _was_ going to believe me, damn it. He wasn’t going to feel responsible for Leia’s death too. “You didn’t know, Ben,” I said. “How can it be your fault if you didn’t know she was even there? Did you give the order? Did you know and did nothing?” Ben’s head shook, his eyes never leaving mine. “See? It wasn’t your fault.”

“But…” Ben said.

“But what?” I asked with a small smile.

“If I hadn’t… If I hadn’t joined Snoke in the first place, she never…”

I laughed softly. “Oh Ben.”

“Ben, you were a kid when Snoke started poisoning your mind. And believe me, if Snoke hadn’t chosen you, it would have been some other Force-sensitive kid. And do you really think General Organa wouldn’t have resisted Snoke with everything she had, no matter which baby Jedi Snoke corrupted?” I smiled. “You’re special, don’t get me wrong.” _Very special. Especially to me._ But in this? All the bad things that happen in the galaxy aren’t your fault.”

“ _Reya._ ” Ben’s voice was ragged, and his hand moved to my own shoulder, his arm moving under my hand. I squeezed in what I hoped was a reassuring manner. He blinked, and my heart lurched when a single teardrop streaked down his cheek.

My free hand wiped it away without a second thought, and suddenly I was being pulled into Ben, his arms coming around my waist as he buried his into my shoulder. I put my own arms around him in reflex as much as anything else, one hand going to his head, one arm going partway around his shoulders, and I started when his shoulders hitched and he started to sob.

“Oh, Ben,” I repeated, curling the arm around his shoulders tighter. He sobbed again, and I began running my fingers through his hair, trying not to think bad thoughts. It wasn’t his fault that his hair felt divine between my fingers. Or that I could feel the muscles of his back through his shirt. Or that even though I was the one supporting him, I still felt completely tiny and protected in his arms.

_Bad Reya. Bad._

But it wasn’t too hard to push all that aside, albeit temporarily. Because Ben was sobbing. Not that he made much sound, apart from drawing in ragged breaths, but he was crying, and I wondered the last time he actually cried in front of someone, the last time he let his guard down far enough to actually let someone comfort him.

I was talking, sort of. I couldn’t help it. There was nothing more to say, really, but I couldn’t just let Ben cry himself out in quiet. So I hummed, and talked.

“It’s ok,” I murmured, bending my head so I was close enough to press a kiss into his hair. I didn’t, but the temptation was strong. I rested my chin on his head instead, and the hands in my shirt, around my waist, tightened, pulling me another centimetre closer. “It’s ok, Ben. I’ve got you. I’m here. We’ll get you to your mom. I promise. Everything’s going to be - well, ok. Maybe not fine, but you’ll get through it. You will. I promise. And I’ll be there, if you want. It’ll be ok, Ben.”

And so there I stood, repeating the platitudes I knew were meaningless, but finding nothing better to say, meaning every promise I made, letting Ben Solo cry himself out onto my right shoulder.


	39. Thirty Nine

I felt when Ben came back to himself. It wasn’t a snap of awareness, like when I was shocked out of sleep, but a gradual thing. He quietened, barely making any noise whatsoever, and the muscles under my hand grew tense again.

I didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what to do. So I continued as I had been, keeping one hand in his hair, one hand smoothing over the fabric of his shirt-covered back. All while my heart-rate increased even further.

Not that it had been exactly slow to begin with. Now it raced, it galloped, and I was sure Ben must be able to hear it.

I felt Ben’s hands tightening in my shirt once again, and then he let go, pulling back slowly. It was almost too much sensory information at once. The loss of the warmth of his hands around my back, his nose brushing my collarbone as he pulled away, the rush of air that now separated us. I stepped away, one step, then another, observing Ben closely. _Did I do the right thing? What on earth is he thinking now? I wish someone had invented telepathy. Wait no. That would be bad. Not telepathy._

Ben’s eyes met mine, and my brain juddered to a halt. He was still pale, but his eyes were red. Not like me, who got all red and blotchy when I cried. Ben looked, if anything, like he’d lost some colour.

And still neither of us said a word.

Someone clattered in the hallway, breaking whatever spell we’d been under, and I glanced at the hatch before looking back at Ben.

“I’ll get you a washcloth and some water,” I said, suddenly needing to be in a room that didn’t have Ben in it. I only made it a few steps before Ben caught my wrist lightly, pulling me to a halt and making me turn in question.

“Thank you,” he said, voice even lower than usual, more gravelly, probably from the crying. I shook my head at him.

“It was nothing,” I said. “What are friends for?” But Ben didn’t let go of my wrist.

“It was substantially more than nothing,” he replied. “Thank you.”

“You’re most welcome.” I spoke softly, like he did. I had no idea who we thought we’d be disturbing, but the realisation didn’t make me talk any louder. “Happy to help.” Ben’s hand dropped, and I walked to the washroom, closing the door after me and leaning against it as heavily as I dared.

_Get a grip, Reya. It’s Ben._

_Yeah, it’s Ben. One of the least demonstrative humans you’ve ever met, and who just cried in front of you. More than that, he cried literally on your shoulder. Look at it - your shirt’s soaked!_ I lifted my hand and looked at the fabric in the small mirror. The grey weave was several shades darker where Ben’s face had been, and I couldn’t figure out exactly how I felt about that. I looked at the rest of my reflection. My hand, resting at the edge of the tear-stained fabric, calloused and almost constantly dirty. My reflection, my grey eyes staring back at me, my hair, too light to be brown, too dark to be blonde, tucked in a ponytail at the base of my skull.

 _What could he possibly see in me, anyway._ Not that I’d ever cared about my appearance much. I’d loved Falon, and he’d loved me, before that mattered too much, and since, well. It’d never been an issue. _And it’s too late to change now._ I sighed, and filled up one of the glasses that sat by the sink. Time to do what I’d actually come in here for.

 

 

……………………………………

 

 

“ _Bon voyage_ , Chief Trno,” the operator at the com station that morning said as we left the planet’s atmosphere.

“Thanks, Base,” I replied. “Trno out.”

I barely had to think about how to get Betsy out of an atmosphere safely anymore. Now it was as much reflex and being careful as anything else, although I was very careful this morning. I’d been distracted all morning. And had barely been able to sleep all night.

It was Ben. Of course it was Ben. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. About what he’d gone through, about Leia. And it wasn’t just the theoretical things I thought about. It wasn’t the way Ben felt about everything else. I thought about the way Ben thought about me. Did he see me as more than a friend? Hopefully as a friend, at the very least. I thought about the way his hands had clutched my shirt, how they’d felt, banded around my waist, wrapping himself around me as much as I wrapped myself around him.

That’s where I tried to end _that_ particular line of thought. Nothing good came from fantasising about a real person. Nope. Not going there. At all.

After all, what did I want out of all this? What was I after? A few nights of passion would be nice, of course, but I didn’t want that to be the end. That _couldn’t_ be the end. I wanted…

I wanted Ben in my life. Someone to wake up to in the mornings, as I had that morning, someone to share meals with, to joke with while doing final checks on Betsy. And yes, I wanted to be the person he came to with problems, when the world became too much.

Most scary of all, though, was that I wanted to rely on him as well. I wanted him to be the one I went to with my problems. The one I told the story of my day to, the one whose shoulder I could cry on.

_That’s it, Reya. You’re screwed. You’re pining for someone who’s sitting literally less than a yard away. Get a handle on this thing, or you’re going to do something really stupid._

But how to get a handle on it? That was the nature of emotions. They were un-handleable. Especially this particular one.

_So I suppose I just have to decide what I want to do. Do I tell Ben?_

_No. I can’t. His mom’s dying. Wouldn’t this be the worst time to deal with an unwanted suitor? I can wait._

_I could just never tell him._

_Why?_

_Why would he want me anyway?_

I didn’t have a great answer for that one.

But at least one thing was decided. I’d wait until after Leia - after seeing Leia, until whatever happened after that, and see where we ended up. After all, we might not even end up on the same planet, when all was said and done.

My heart sunk at that, but I resigned myself to the possible outcome.

_You’ll be fine. You’ve got Betsy, and Alix, and Madden and Silva, the nutcases. You’ve got your people. No matter what happens._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awwww, you guys are the best! Thank you for the comments and the kudos - nothing else inspires me to write faster!!


	40. Forty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get the story of Ben's scars

I’d pulled out my MRE for my midday meal when Ben’s voice stopped me.

“Reya?”

“What’s up?”

“Um… the story… what I wanted to tell you today,” he said, faltering.

“About… about the scars?” It had taken me a minute to remember to think all the way back to before the bonfire.

“It’s probably best told before you eat something.”

“It can’t be that bad,” I said automatically. _I’ve got a pretty cast-iron stomach._ “But… fine. I can wait.” I snorted, glancing at the brown paper packet I’d picked up. “It’s not like ‘Yavin IV specialty green tikka’ is going anywhere.”

Ben’s half-chuckle sounded a little forced, and I was suddenly very not fond of his tendency to bring up sensitive subjects where I couldn’t see his face.

_Heck, even when I hadn’t seen his face, I could go off his body language. Here I’ve just got this damned statick-y comm line!_

“So,” Ben said. Then he stopped.

“So,” I agreed. Then cleared my throat. “You know, you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to.”

“I know,” he replied without hesitation. “I want to - I want you to know.” A pause. “You know everything else.”

I had to laugh. “Ben Solo, I think I could talk with you for years and still not know ‘everything else’.”

He was silent for a few seconds, and all I could hear was the sound of the bits of white noise, emerging over the comms. _I really do need to fix that. As soon as we get home. As soon as we get to D’Qar, even._

“That’s very… kind of you to say,” he said finally.

“Not kind if it’s true,” I replied.

Ben made a noise of disagreement. “I did want to tell you this, though,” he began. “I know what I look like. You can’t see _that_ and not wonder.” I thought about telling Ben that I’d wondered, but not just about where he’d gotten the scars, and grinned as I discarded that notion. It wasn’t quite appropriate.

“Anyway,” Ben said, finally getting down to his story. “I grew up with scars.”

“Well, that’s not quite true. I got bumps and bruises, like any kid, and I was training under my uncle, so I’d begun playing with a lightsaber, probably before I was really ready. And dad and mom both had - have - their fair share of scars, most of them faded when I was a kid. And my uncle, well, he only has one hand, and I knew how that happened.

“So scars - they were as much a fact of life as anything else, and I’d collected my share by the time Snoke recruited me. Childhood accidents, lightsaber fumbles, especially when I was practicing with Snoke in my ear. ‘Pain is the mind-killer. Use it, and you control the Force.’” He snarled the last words, quoting Snoke with such venom that I was privately sad the bastard was dead. I’d have very much liked to skewer him with a lightsaber myself, at that moment.

“And then, when the War started, I didn’t collect scars. Not like Hux, who was about as Force-sensitive as a tonne of bricks, coming back every other battle with a blaster wound or a cut, or something. I was unmarked, untouched. Until Rey.” I heard the almost fondness, and was glad of it. If he and Rey were on good terms, maybe that would make his trip to D’Qar easier. Maybe it would help him be more… accepted.

“She used Luke’s saber - the cut on my left eyebrow - she did that. And there was the blaster wound in my abdomen. It was the first fight - the first fight in the longest time, where someone other than Snoke had bested me. And then, after all that, didn’t kill me.”

Ben paused. “What do you know about my actions in the second half of the War?”

“After the destruction of Starkiller, you mean?” I asked.

A pause. “I nodded. Sorry. Not being able to see you…”

“Same.” I shook my head. “You pick inconvenient times to have deep discussions, Solo.”

He chuckled. “Well, you can’t run away from me here.”

“Wouldn’t be running away anyway,” I muttered, then spoke at a more normal volume. “Maybe I’ll retrofit screens when I have time. Although I’m not sure what use they’ll be, other than for a trip like this.” I started to go down a rabbit hole, figuring out exactly where the screens could go, what models I could use that wouldn’t drain too much power, and wrenched myself away. “Sorry. Woolgathering.”

Ben chuckled. “No worries.”

“Anyway. After Starkiller.” I thought about it. “I only know what I heard.

“It was about two months after Starkiller that I started hearing whispers about a high-level plant in the First Order - I didn’t realise until later that was you. It _was_ you, right?”

“Must have been.”

“Well, you started… feeding us information, about troop strengths, about deployment plans - I remember General Organa having to create a room specifically for the information you were bringing in, because there was so much of it.” I decided not to mention that it was poring over the flood of information that had brought the General back to us, or at least, brought her as far back as she was able to come, after losing Han Solo. “And then… during the final battle, we got some kind of distress signal, from one of the First Order bases. And Poe and his squadron dashed right over - I had to field-strip Betsy here and rebuild her in _way_ less time than I thought possible. And Rey and Finn went too, on the Falcon, once they heard. And then…”

“Then… Well, the story I got from Poe is that when they arrived, you were staggering out of a base, covered in blood, and when you saw them, you collapsed. That’s all I know.”

Ben was silent a minute. “It’s true enough as far as it goes.” He hummed. “I was sending… information. Through the conduit I’d found. And any other I could summon up. Just information is easy enough. Insert an order into a Stormtrooper’s mind. Send this file, this encrypted file, along with dozens of others. You don’t even have to use the Force. Just another order in a list of hundreds. I sent as much as I possibly could. Everything I thought could be useful. So much, in fact, that I had to stop at some point, because Hux was getting suspicious. Snoke as well, although I had him pretty well walled out of my real mind at the time.”

I wanted to ask what exactly _walled out of my real mind_ meant, but kept my mouth shut. Questions for a different time. Besides. Force users usually spoke in weird metaphors.

“For the final battle, though.” Ben’s voice grew more clinical. “I knew it was coming. So did Snoke. And Hux. And everyone else. We knew it was the final battle. And I… I must have slipped, because Snoke summoned me in person. I knew I was found out, so I went. I thought- Well, to be honest, I wasn’t doing much thinking, not about myself. I wanted the War over, I wanted the Resistance to win. However I could do that, I would. It was the only way… It was my - absolution, I guess you’d call it.”

“So I went. I went to Snoke’s base. I knew he’d interrogate me alone, torture me alone. I was Kylo Ren, his feared lieutenant. Couldn’t have the troops seeing I was the ultimate traitor.”

“Ben-“ I said softly, not able to stop myself. But he kept going, as if he hadn’t heard me.

“He took my lightsaber away, surprised me. And then strung me up and started cutting.” My mouth fell open, recalling the scars. The number of scars, the way they layered, almost one on top of the other. “And Snoke was… powerful. He could heal me. Used up my own energy to do it, too. So he carved me up, healed me, and started again. Until I was so out of my mind I didn’t know up from down.”

Ben let out a harsh chuckle. “Or so he thought. I have to give him credit. He did have me going pretty nuts from the pain. But I was already nuts anyway. A little more pain wasn’t going to do much.”

“By the time round three rolled around, I’d had enough. And Snoke was getting careless.” Another chuckle. “Well, when you’re stepping in a centimetre of blood for two yards all around, I guess it makes sense you wouldn’t think the other guy would respond.”

“But I had nothing to lose at that point. I saw the opportunity, saw the saber, my ugly, fractured saber lying on the ground, and I snapped. I called it, turned it on mid-flight, and punched it through his back.”

“Punched it halfway through my ribs too, but hey, what’s one more scar? I was dead anyway.”

“Should have known the bastard had a kill-switch. He died, and stormtroopers came rushing in. And I should have just let them shoot me. It would have been the easy way out. I could have let them kill me, have died there, and life would have been over. It…. But I couldn’t. Somehow. That’s probably my biggest weakness. I don’t know when to die. I can’t give up my own life.

“So I deflected as much fire as I could, knocked as many of them out as I could, but not all of them. I was too weak, too strained for that much control. So I had to kill some of them. Fourteen, I think. Or fifteen. It depends, on how hard I had to push one guy, whether he bled out from the haematoma I gave him.” Ben’s voice was harsh, and I could hear the self-loathing in his voice. But he kept speaking. “And I staggered out of the base - I wanted to get out, to get outside, to see sky before I let myself… And then I see that idiot Dameron walking towards me, blaster out.”

“And that’s the last thing I remember before waking up in D’Qar.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies! 
> 
> Thanks again for the kudos and comments - you are all amazing, and I love you all!  
> A quick note to let you know I'm going to try keeping up this daily posting thing, but.... It's Comic-Con this weekend, and I'm cosplaying as Rey, and I've got a concert this weekend, so I might need to skip a day. So, no promises, but I'll do my best!
> 
> Let me know what you think!


	41. Forty One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For their final overnight stop, Reya and Ben land at Nowhere, a base next to no star system in particular. And meet some old friends.

"Welcome to Nowhere, Chief," the voice over the comm chimed.

"Thanks, Base," I said wearily. The flight here had been tricky, what with the two convergent hyper streams and the asteroid belt. But I'd almost relished the distraction. The tricky flying, the constant watching of my instruments had meant I hadn't had time to dwell. Not on Ben, or his tale. Being carved up. By a lightsaber. I shook my head, now glad for the privacy of the ship. It was a marvel Ben was still sane. Still alive. My stomach lurched uneasily.

 _He's alive. He's fine. He's sitting behind you. You'll get to see him in a bit_ , I reminded myself.

"All present and correct?" I asked, wanting to know if we were going to have the same rooming ‘situation’ as yesterday.

"Hold," Base said.

"Holding," I replied. I'm not sure I want to share a room with Ben again. Not that I don't want to share a room with him, but...

"Base here," the man's voice broke in on my spiralling.

"Go Base."

"We got a two-bed quarters. That OK?"

"Perfect, Base," I sighed, relieved.

"You're clear to land too - Hangar 2, Bay Gamma."

"Hangar 2, Bay Gamma," I repeated dutifully, suddenly very ready to get out of the ship.

"Anything else we can do for you?"

"No thank you, Base. Trno out."

 

…………………………………

“Chief?” I turned as I was searching for the ground with my left boot. I thought I recognised that voice…

And then my foot missed the ground and I lost my grip on Betsy and fell - right into Ben’s chest. He oofed, falling back two steps, but caught me easily enough, setting me back on my feet with a chuckle. My cheeks burned, and I was grateful for the helmet I had yet to take off. I could claim I was still warm.

“Chief!” The voice came again, and I turned just in time for someone to collide with me and push me back into Betsy’s panelling. Again. “Hi!”

I looked down, gasping, and saw a familiar red head of hair. I coughed, beginning to grin. Then someone separated us. Firmly.

I glanced up as Ben practically picked up Fred and set her down a metre away from me. I could almost see the disapproval on his face. The caution.

_Oh. He’s never met Fred. Right._

“Ben,” I said, closing the gap between myself and Fred once again, this time of my own free will, “meet Fred.” I put a hand on her shoulder. “She worked with me on D’Qar, lo these many years ago.” Fred was looking between Ben and I, confusion on her face. “Fred, this is Ben. He’s a friend of mine - one of his family is sick - I’m taking him to her.” Ben relaxed, fractionally, but extended his hand.

“Apologies,” he said gruffly.

Fred looked at me, then at Ben, then at me again, a small smile dancing on her face. “No worries,” she said, taking his hand. “I probably shouldn’t’ve tackled the Chief without warning.” She grinned at me. “So I see you got yourself a ship, Chief?” She looked at the ship, then looked more closely. “It isn’t…. Can’t be… He’d never…” She looked at me again. “Is that?”

“Betsy,” I confirmed with a smile. “Bought her off Poe - that’s Commander Dameron to you - a few months ago.” I winced. “The maintenance he thought was _adequate_.” I shook my head, and Fred giggled.

“Still moaning about how people treat your ships, Chief?” She looked sidelong at Ben. “She’s never satisfied. You know that?”

“Chief Trno has high standards for ship preparedness,” Ben replied, tone as dry as the deserts on Jakku. Fred’s grin widened.

“I like him,” she said, not bothering to lower her voice. “So,” she said, changing the subject. “How long are you here? We’re berthed here for another 72 hours - it’d be great to hang out - I know Gans would love to see you-“

Ben put a hand on my arm, and I looked up as Fred trailed off. “I can arrange our bunks,” Ben said, speaking softly into my ear. I glanced up and sideways, catching a glimpse of his nose under the hood.

“You sure?” I didn’t whisper, but I didn’t speak loudly.

A chuckle. “I’m more than capable,” he replied, and I forced myself not to shiver. Again. His voice was going to be the death of me.

“Ok,” I said dubiously, worried. I’d done all the talking in the past. The less Ben talked, the less likely he was to be discovered. Ben slid something into my hand, and I looked down - a comm unit.

“I’ll let you know when things are settled.” The hand on my arm squeezed briefly. “Have fun catching up, Reya. I’ll be fine. Besides, you deserve the break.” He looked at Fred. “It was nice to meet you, Fred.”

And with that, Ben was striding off, both of our bags over a shoulder. I watched him go, watched the black hood slipping between men and women in flight suits.

“So…” Fred drawled, and I looked at her to find her grinning at me.

“So what?” I asked, being deliberately obtuse. “I’ve got to get Betsy squared away. You wanna help, or do you want to just stand there and watch me work?”

“Would I do that?” Fred asked.

“You did it when you were 10,” I replied, grabbing the nearest tab off a post and starting the base’s docking checklist. _Maybe I’ve distracted her enough she’ll drop it. I hope._

“Who’s he?” Fred asked not two minutes later, helping me seat the cockpit hatch properly.

“A friend,” I repeated.

“Right,” she drawled. “A _friend_. Like the Lieutenant’s my friend.”

“How’s that going, by the way?” I asked, knowing I was deflecting and being truly transparent, but not really caring much.

“Fine,” Fred answered. “I’ll tell you all about it later. But we’re talking about you now.” Her eyes twinkled at me from the other side of Betsy. “How long have you known this _friend_ of yours? What’s he like? Is he a good kisser? Tell me everything!”

“Enough,” I said, crossing the last thing off the checklist and putting the tablet back. “Enough.” Fred just bounced over to me, unrepentant.

“So?”

“Six months, he’s nice, if a little stoic, and I have no idea.”

“What do you mean you have no idea? You haven’t kissed yet?” Fred’s voice rose to a high enough pitch that the people we were passing looked over

“Oh please.” I said more softly, trying to avoid everyone’s eyes. This was the last conversation I wanted to have in a place like this. “I told you we were just friends.”

“But I thought,” Fred said, jogging forward and turning so she could look at my face. She frowned. “You mean it. Huh. The way he was looking at you, the way you talked - the way you looked at him.”

“You couldn’t see his face,” I objected.

“Please. As if I needed to. It’s obvious he cares about you.”

My heart did a little flip. It wasn’t true though. Couldn’t be true.

“Chief Trno!” someone else said, and I looked around to find Chief Gans striding towards us, a smile on her face.

“Chief Gans!” I said, smiling back. I extended my hand in greeting, but Gans wouldn’t have any of it, giving me a hug instead.

“It’s good to see you, Reya,” Gans said, releasing me.

“You too, Chief,” I said. “And I appreciate you not tackling me like this one, here.” I nodded at Fred.

Gans chuckled. “She can be… exuberant.”

“I know.” Fred looked down, and I pulled her in for a one-armed hug. “Wouldn’t have her any other way, though.” Fred brightened.

“Now. Do you have time for a drink, or are you busy?” Gans asked. I thought about Ben, about Betsy, about how I was bone-tired and wanted to get some sleep before the final flight tomorrow. Ben’s voice sounded in my ear, deep and soft, just as it had in real life. _You deserve a break._

“Will it do me any good to say no?” I asked, smiling.

“Probably not,” Gans agreed. She slung an arm over my shoulders and pulled me forward. “Come on, Trno. There’s a bar here waiting to serve our greatness.”

“Oh, and you can tell us all about Ben,” Fred said. I wished I was immature enough to stick my tongue out at her. _Traitor._

“Ben?” Gans’ eyebrows rose. “Yes, Chief Trno. You’ll have to tell us all about this _Ben._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, you are all lovely! Thank you for the comments, and I'm sorry for being gone yesterday. But ComicCon was awesome. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy, and let me know what you think! (Did you like Fred and Gans showing up? It was totally unplanned...)


	42. Forty Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brace for fluff!

"See ya 'mow, Chief?" Fred slurred, leaning against the corridor wall next to her temporary quarters.

"Yeah, kid, I'll see you tomorrow," I said fondly, pushing some hair out of her face. "And I'll bring painkillers- you're gonna have a hell of a hangover come tomorrow." Gans and Fred had ordered a bottle of some Correllian liquor, and then had finished the whole thing. I'd stopped after two fingers of the stuff - I never liked feeling out of control anyway, and I had more secrets than usual to protect.

"Bring your bang - I mean - mang - bring Ben," Fred said, mashing her hand over the door lock. I grabbed for her collar, catching her in the nick of time before she face planted into the floor.

"Ok, fine," I said, steadying her before letting her totter into the room. " just get some rest, you hear? And drink at least half a litre of water!" The door closed as Fred raised a hand in salute. I chuckled as I turned on a heel and started to search for my quarters - our quarters. I'd received a message from Ben a while ago, giving me the room number.

I glanced at the signs at an intersection, turned and nodded politely at some spacers walking in the other direction. Their eyes widened, but they nodded back, and I sighed, kissing my anonymity goodbye.

That was another thing that had happened while we were drinking. Gans had toasted me, and Fred had followed, and other spacers had heard. Which ended with a whole herd of people drinking to the Resistance and offering me drinks. And saying hello. And thanking me for my service. And asking for my advice. And all manner of things.

I sighed again. _My service?_ I hadn't fought. I'd just made sure the ships were running. _And advice?_ I'd been out of circulation for so long the commonplace repair techniques were new to me, and the repair work I'd done recently was all on Betsy. Hardly cutting edge work there.

_Better get used to it, Reya. It isn't going to go away. Not this time._

At least Gans and Fred had been more sober - and quieter - when they'd started asking me about Ben.

Who he was, how we'd met. What exactly he looked like, under that hood. And why did he wear that hood anyway?

I'd fielded as many questions as I could, and some of my answers had come as a surprise, even to me. I hadn't realised I thought Ben was handsome, for one thing. Although he definitely was. That patrician nose, those cheekbones? Those eyes that seem endless when they're looking right back at you?

I hadn’t had an answer for what exactly I felt for Ben. I didn’t want to answer that I didn’t know for sure, and I didn’t want to say that I thought I was in love with him either, that I wanted to protect him from harm, to keep him from all those people in the universe who would harm him, that I wanted me, and him, together, on our clifftop, forever.

And I didn’t subscribe to Fred’s theory that we were both romantically pining away for the other person. That only happened in novels. Or holodramas. Not in real life.

I’d reached our room at last, and stood in front of it. I should just go in. It shouldn’t be a big deal - we even had separate rooms this time. I should just go in, should try the door, should knock. Should do _something_.

I closed my eyes.

 _It’s not a big deal. Just go in. You’re overtired, and overthinking. It’ll be fine._ And so, even though I could hear my pulse pounding in my ears, even though I felt the urge to turn tail and run back to Betsy, I put my hand over the ID pad and waited. The telltale turned from red to green, and the door whooshed open.

Ben was at the desk when I came in, head turned to face me.

“Have a nice time?” he asked, and the smile he gave me as he swung around in the chair should have by rights been illegal. My stomach flipped, and I had to stop myself from going down a rabbit hole. _This is the problem with talking about things. And thinking about them. I can’t act like a normal human afterwards ._

 _“_ I did,” I said, as the door closed behind me. “Gans and Fred both got very drunk - I don’t fancy being them tomorrow morning.”

Ben chuckled, steepling his hands over his middle. “And you?”

“Stopped before I reached tipsy.” I lowered myself down onto the couch. “This is nice.”

“Mmmm,” Ben agreed, looking around himself. I watched the line of his throat as he tilted his head, eyes narrowing as I saw smudges on one side.

No. Those weren’t smudges. Those looked more like bruises. Suddenly wide awake, I wondered how I could get closer and confirm my suspicions.

“Anyone give you trouble?” I asked.

“No trouble getting the room at all,” Ben said. _Which doesn’t mean no trouble at all._ I got up and stretched.

“So which one is mine?” I asked, gesturing at the three doors - two bedrooms, one bath. I assumed. Ben leaned back, pointing with arm and head, and there - there they were - three distinctly finger-shaped bruises.

“That one,” Ben said, gesturing at the room right behind him. But I wasn’t paying any attention. Not any more. I was next to him before I’d quite decided to move, looking down at the bruises, blood boiling, trying not to say the wrong thing. I didn’t want to be accusatory. Or not say anything.

“Reya?” I looked at Ben’s face. He was looking back up at me, confusion writ large.

“You’ve got bruises,” I said simply. “On your neck. It looks like someone grabbed you.”

Ben’s hand slammed over the offending area, covering them. “Those.”

“Yeah,” I said. “I don’t want to seem… I just… Are you ok, Ben? Did someone grab you?”

“I’m fine,” Ben said automatically. Then he frowned. “I really am. Someone decided it would be a good idea to check exactly where the room payment came from. And figured out who I was. And then sent his buddies after me.”

“What?” I scanned the rest of Ben, as quickly as I could. “Are you ok?”

“Wouldn’t the more appropriate question be ‘are they?’” Ben asked wryly.

“I don’t give a crap about them,” I replied, still looking for stiffness in Ben’s motions, for any other injuries than the bruises I’d already seen.

“They’re fine,” Ben said. “I did my best not to injure them. And then the officers from the base came. And everything was fine.”

I frowned. “And someone what, tried to strangle you with their bare hands?”

Ben grimaced, then nodded.

“Well, they were stupid to think that would work,” I said harshly, then softened. My fingers dropped onto Ben’s where they still rested on his neck. “I’m glad you’re ok.” _I should have been there. I could have gone drinking with the girls once Ben was settled._ Ben’s fingers twitched, then twined together with mine. I was afraid to breathe, afraid to do anything to break the moment.

“Me too,” he said. “A bit surprised it didn’t happen earlier, actually.”

 _I can feel his throat vibrating when he speaks,_ I thought a bit numbly.

“Never thought we’d get away with getting all the way to D’Qar without me being recognised,” Ben continued.

“It didn’t occur to me we wouldn’t,” I replied. “Or that I’d get recognised too.”

“You should be, though,” Ben said, dropping his hand from his neck, but not his grip on my fingers. “You deserve to be recognised for what you did.”

“Oh stop it,” I protested. “I just fixed ships.”

Ben chuckled. “Right.”

“I did!” I said. “Fixing stuff isn’t like going into battle! I didn’t res my life, not like Poe, I didn’t look at reports, or make decisions. I just got my hands dirty doing what I like to do.”

Ben’s hand squeezed mine, then released, and my arm fell to my side once more. “I think you’re underestimating yourself,” he said, then sighed and pushed himself off the chair to standing. Standing right next to me. “I should probably let you get some rest,” he said. “The flying must be getting tiring.”

“I’m fine,” I said. As automatically as he had. I saw the bruises, and winced again. I wanted to find the people who had decided trying to hurt Ben was a good idea, and hurt them right back. And those people would actually be harmed if I tried to strangle them with my bare hands.

“Bed,” Ben said, and when I looked at his face, he was looking back at me. He lifted an eyebrow. “You really ok?”

“I feel like I should be asking you that,” I admitted.

“And I’m fine,” he said, smiling slightly down at me. “Good night, Reya.”

“Good night, Ben,” I said as he retreated into his room and shut the door behind him. “See you in the morning.”


	43. Forty Three

"He's good for you." Gans whispered it in my ear as she leaned over to bump my shoulder.

I couldn't help the self-satisfied little smile I gave at that.

"You mean I wasn't good enough before?" I shot back, grinning.

Gans made a face. "You know what I mean. You're .... Less lonely." We were in line at breakfast, stowing our trays - I held mine and Ben's, Gans held hers and Fred's.

"What?"

"Not that you ever seemed sad about it," Gans said, shrugging. "You just... Don't take this the wrong way, Chief, but you seemed a little robotic, sometimes. A little aloof. Never mean, but distant."

"Oh," I said, surprised, buying some time to think. _Aloof? I guess it's possible. I am always in my own head._

Gans bumped me with her shoulder again, and I looked at her. "Whatever else he is, he's a good friend, right?" I thought of Ben's fingers, winding around mine, and nodded.

"If nothing else," I half-agreed. Gans chuckled.

"Girl, you are so gone on him."

"And what if I am?" I said, my last thread of deception snapping without warning. "I don't think.... I'm not sure he..."

"Feels the same?" Gans said, sympathetic. "I think he does. So does Fred."

"I'm not sure I deserve that twice in one lifetime," I said. "I don't think I'd survive, if I lost it again."

"There, you see," Gans pushed her trays into place. "That's your real issue."

I pushed my own trays into their slots. "Do you play therapist in your spare time?" I asked, the question coming out less sharply than I'd meant it to.

"Sometimes," Gans admitted with a smile. Her mouth twisted. "Sometimes it takes a person without a love life to tell you what's wrong."

I was the one who bumped Gans' shoulder this time. "He or she is out there," I said. "Has to be. It's a big galaxy, after all."

Gans just looked at me. "I know. I know. It’s an awful thing to say. But it's true."

"So what are you going to do about Ben?" Gans asked, redirecting, and I let it go.

I shrugged. "I told you someone's sick, right? A relative of his?" Gans nodded. "It's bad. Terminal." I shrugged again. "I can't imagine that won't affect him. So I'll just be there for him. And we'll see what happens."

"That sucks."

"Agreed." I nodded. "But I'm not so sure about his .... Affection for me as you and Fred seem to be, anyway." _After all, he was the one who let go and left, last night. After we, what? Held hands for five minutes? That’s hardly the stuff of great romantic ballads._ Even as I thought it, I wasn’t sure I believed myself. It had _felt_ romantic. At least until Ben had left. " And he could use someone to lean on, I think. That person might as well be me. "

"Well, you'll do what you think is right," Gans said.

"Yup."

"And here we are," she said, pitching her voice so Fred and Ben would hear us. They looked up, and Fred scampered over to me.

"You didn't tell me Ben was Ben Solo!" She whispered in my ear. My head shot up, and I looked at Ben's hooded face

"Did he tell you?" I asked, forcing myself not to grab her shoulder.

Fred nodded, the grin on her face fading at my expression. "He did - shouldn't he have?" She glanced back at Ben.

"No, no, he can do what he likes," I said, distracted. Why had Ben told her? I mentally cursed the hood that kept Ben’s face secret.

"I'm happy for you, Chief," Fred said suddenly, giving me a hug. My arms wrapped around her automatically, squeezing back, still looking at Ben, puzzled.

"Thanks," I said dubiously.

"No, really," she reassured me. “He’s a good guy.”

“He is,” I agreed, then looked down at her. Then up at the surrounding mass of people and sighed. “At some point, young lady, you will tell me how you reached that conclusion, all right?” I ran a hand through my hair as Fred nodded.

“The nets, Chief,” she replied, cheer restored as I relaxed, my heartbeat slowing as the danger receded. “Just look at the nets.”

“You know I don’t like them,” I retorted, sounding and feeling particularly ancient. Fred just rolled her eyes.

“Hey, Chief,” Gans said, breaking in on our conversation. “You’d better get moving if you want to make your hyper slot.” I glanced at the clock on the wall and nodded.

“Guess so.” I looked down at Fred. “You two going to see us off?”

“You know it!” Fred nodded. “You can’t get rid of us so easily.”

“I’d never want to get rid of you,” I murmured, following Gans and Fred as they made their way through the crowd. Ben fell in step next to me.

I wanted to talk with him, like I could when we were alone, like I could when we were flying. But there were people, all around, people looking. I had no idea if I was just being paranoid, but I felt their eyes.

“Everything ok?” I asked finally. The question was neutral enough, I hoped.

“Fine,” Ben said, and I could hear the humour in his voice. I relaxed.

“You told Fred?” I asked.

“I did.” I could almost hear him frowning. “That ok?”

“Of course, it’s up to you,” I said. “I’m just surprised, I guess. With what happened yesterday, and all.”

A chuckle. “I can take care of myself, you know.”

“I’m aware,” I said. _Although I wouldn’t trust you to not take more hurt than you need to, just because you don’t want to hurt someone attacking you._

“You still with us, slowpokes?” Gans was at the hangar bay already, looking back with a smile. I felt, again, the need to stick my tongue out at her. She had this knowing little smirk on her face, and I wanted to explain. To say that we hadn’t been being all mushy, that we’d been discussing something _important_. Not… I sighed.

“Problems?” Ben asked.

I gave him a quick smile. “No, just thinking,” I said.

“Oh dear,” he replied, and I shoved him, gently.

“Come on,” I said. “One last day of flying, then we get to be planet-side for longer than a few hours.”

Fred was by my side again. “You’ll write?”

“If you do, young lady.” We were passing by ships on either side, and my head swivelled automatically, cataloguing ship types, maintenance status. “What happened to ‘I’ll write you every week, I swear!’”

“I will, I swear!” Fred protested as we passed a shoddily managed freighter. My tongue clicked on the roof of my mouth. _That poor ship. It would run like a dream. If the owners would just keep up the maintenance._

“Seriously, Chief.” Something in Fred’s tone made me look down. “Keep in touch. Please.”

“Of course, kiddo,” I said, ruffling her hair. She screeched and ducked away, hands moving to her hair to fix it.

 

 

………………………………….

 

 

“You’re cleared for hyper. Have a good flight, Chief.”

“Thanks, Base,” I replied, setting up the transition settings. I toggled to my local comms. “Ready for this?”

“As I’ll ever be,” Ben sighed.

“Ok, then,” I said, pushing the throttle and feeling the familiar jerking in my gut that signalled our transition to hyper.

“D’Qar, here we come.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you so much for your kudos and comments!
> 
> I hope you like the chapter - it's not quite what I wanted, but I wanted to post anyway so you had something today. Up next - D'Qar!


	44. Forty Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reya and Ben make it to D'Qar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SOOO sorry this is late, guys!!! I got busy, and I got a bit blocked... But the chapter's here now, and I hope you enjoy!

“Welcome home, Chief,” an unfamiliar voice said after the usual wait to process my ID.

“Thanks?” I didn’t - couldn’t - keep the question out of my voice as I replied.

“You’re welcome,” the man replied, unspoken merriment in his voice. “So it’s you and one passenger, right?”

“That’s right,” I said, following the same script that Ben and I had been using for four nights now. “Two of us, and berthing space for our ship.”

“Quarters?”

“I have quarters,” Ben said suddenly, and I checked the frequency when the Base operator didn’t reply. “And you’ll be in guest quarters.”

“Hold one, Base,” I said to the broadcasting frequency, then switched channels. “Wait what?”

“I have my own quarters on D’Qar,” Ben said.

“Gathered that,” I replied, slowly. “But about me?”

“You can stay with us - you know. If you want. Not that you should feel… compelled, or anything. I mean…”

“With you?”

“There are guest rooms at the house,” Ben said. “It’s the least I can do. Really.”

I was silent a minute.

“Reya?”

“Sorry,” I said. “Just… processing.” _Ben wants me to stay… with him? And the General? What alternate reality have I dropped into?_ Sure, I was familiar with the compound the General had had built, just outside the Base. We’d driven past it often enough, in the months after the War, although I hadn’t stayed long enough to see it completed. “If…” I said, mindful of the connection I’d left open with the Base. “If you’re sure, Ben.”

“Of course I’m sure,” Ben said quickly. “I don’t… It’d be … You have a room there, if you want one.”

“Thank you,” I said. “I accept.” I changed the frequency before I could say anything else. “Sorry for the wait, Base.”

“No worries, Chief.”

“So it turns out we won’t be needing quarters. Just the hangar space for the ship and re-entry clearance.”

“You got it. Inside or outside space on the hangar?”

“Inside,” I said. “Is there still space near the machine shop?”

“Yup,” the guy said. “You want? It’ll cost you.”

_Betsy’s worth it. And I’ll have rehabbing to do before I fly Betsy back home anyway._

“Do it,” I said, watching my accounts dwindle in my mind’s eye, then dismissing it. I could always earn more money. Skimping on repairs and ship maintenance was a quick way to kill someone.

I heard the tapping of keys. “Ok, you’re done. You should be getting your routing clearances, and the berth space is booked in your name. I… Assume that’s ok?”

“I wasn’t planning on being anonymous,” I joked.

“Well, welcome back, Chief,” the operator said. “We’re glad to see you.”

“Thanks,” I said, far more genuinely than the first time. “Trno out.”

 

::::::::

 

D’Qar smelled exactly the same. The wet from the green, the almost constant petrichor from the rains, the ozone from the ships constantly taking off and landing. It smelled so _familiar_ that I was taking long deep exhales as I did my walk-around of Betsy.

In fact, I was so preoccupied with smelling the familiar smells and cataloguing the wear and tear on Betsy that I almost fell over Ben.

“What are you still doing here?” I asked. I had figured he would run to see his mother as soon as we landed. I certainly wouldn’t have been offended.

“Do you really think that little of me?” he asked, and I shook my head in confusion.

“It’s your mom,” I said. “She’s hurt, she’s the reason we’re here.” I realised he’d left his hood off as I was speaking. _Of course. No need to hide who he is here, after all._ “You don’t need to babysit me, Ben.”

“That’s not what I…” Ben trailed off, and I noticed the tension in his shoulders, the way he kept looking around, instead of at me.

“I’m not going to be put out if you go running to check on her,” I said gently, putting a hand on his forearm. “Go,” I said, pushing lightly. “I’ll catch up. I know where your house is.”

Ben’s hand covered mine, still resting on his arm. “You’re sure? I don’t… I don’t want to treat you like some hired pilot.”

“I’m sure,” I said as lightly as I could manage, although I could feel the pleasant warmth in my belly at his words. “Now scoot.”

He squeezed my hand, then turned to go. “You have my comm number?”

“If I need anything,” I said. “I’ll call. Promise.” He nodded, paused another second, then turned and strode off in the direction of the aircars.

 _I hope I did the right thing there,_ I thought, staring after him. _I think I did, anyway._ Ben had vanished from view, so I sighed, getting back to the post-flight checklist on my tablet.

“Reya!” My head spun, heart racing as I searched for the voice. A familiar figure in a flight suit was waving from the door to the machine shop and the rest of the Base, jogging closer.

“Poe!” I called back, stowing the tab on a flat surface on Betsy’s hull and running to bridge the distance.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Poe asked as he swept me off my feet and twirled me around. I yelled and smacked him, grinning my head off.

“I gave Ben a ride,” I said, holding onto Poe as my head spun.

“You what?” Poe asked, tone turning very serious.

“He needed a ride,” I said, replying in kind. “He arrived at the hangar while I was working one night and asked if I’d take him at least as far as the nearest liner station. The timing with getting the news about the General and the liner schedules didn’t exactly work out - you know how far out we are.” I shrugged. “It was simpler to just take him all the way here. And that way I could pay my respects too.”

Poe ran a hand through his hair. “Shit,” he said. I had to chuckle.

“That about covers it,” I agreed. “Seriously, though, Poe. How is she?”

Poe frowned. “Not good. We figure she’s got another few days left. Certainly no more than a week. It’s a damn good thing you got here when you did.”

My heart sank. I’d been hoping for a miraculous recovery, or at least a brief reprieve. Poor Ben.

“I’ll take you to see her later today, if she’s having visitors,” Poe promised, and I nodded. “But onto something more cheerful,” he said, glancing behind me. “How’s Betsy treating you?”

“Just grand,” I said, smiling, trying to get rid of the grim cobwebs of our prior conversation. “She did really well for me. Even though I’ll have to do some repairs before I can fly her back. She’s really not made for cruising flights of more than a day or so.”

We were wandering back to Betsy when I spotted a familiar hull. I pointed. “Is that…?”

“Reya Trno!” A voice called, and suddenly I was enveloped in another hug, someone preternaturally strong lifting me off my feet and spinning me for the second time that day.

I shouted, laughed, and swatted at the hands around my middle. “Finn, you wretch, let me go!”

“I haven’t seen you in eight years, and this is how you say hi?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, as always, you lovely folks are filled with sunshine and rainbows (or death and destruction, if you prefer)! Thank you so much for leaving comments and kudos! They brighten my day!


	45. Forty Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn, Rey, Poe, and Reya chat

“I haven’t seen you in eight years, and this is how you say hi?” Finn put me down and turned me to face him.

“Hi,” I said, giving him a proper hug before pulling away, his arms still around my waist, mine on his shoulders. “And look at you, stud!” He looked the same. A bit older, some of the puppy fat gone from his face, a few inches added to his shoulders, but still the same cheerful, happy guy I’d known, same bright smile flashing in his face.

“Look at you!” Finn shot back. “Grown into a real lady!”

“Ugh,” I said, pulling at my hair, which was no doubt a mess. “I have helmet hair, and I’m in a flight suit. I’m nothing to look at.”

“Some people don’t think so,” Poe commented, and I shot him a glare.

“What’s this?” Finn asked, grinning, and I groaned and planted my face in my hands. I was doomed. _Doomed._

“I told you to say hi, not to torture her,” came another voice.

I looked up to see Finn looking sheepish as Rey came over, putting a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, Rey,” I said.

“Hi, Reya,” she said, face lighting up with a grin.

“Still isn’t old,” I told her, giving her a hug.

“Nope,” she agreed. We’d been greeting each other that way ever since we met, recognising our names sounded similar.

“So. How’s my favourite Jedi mechanic-slash-saviour of the known galaxy?” I asked. “Oh, and her sidekick.”

“He’s not my sidekick!” Rey protested.

“Oh really?” I asked, turning to Finn. “I don’t see him complaining.” Finn slung an arm around Rey’s shoulder.

“There are worse things than being your sidekick,” he said, practically making heart eyes at Rey. She smiled at him and curled into his side.

“Ok. Fine. But I’m your sidekick too. Got it?”

“Got it,” Finn said agreeably. “We’re fine. Pretty settled in with Master Luke at the new Academy - you should come visit sometime.”

“Sure, maybe,” I said, giving my usual non-answer answer.

“No, you should,” Rey said. “Really. Now you’re off-planet again.”

I wanted to object, to say that this was very much an ad hoc, one-time deal, but paused. “I’ll think about it,” I said slowly. “Really, I will.”

“That’s all we can ask,” Rey said. “Now, you have to tell us everything. How’s life? Are you still fixing ships?”

“I run a lab, actually,” I said. “And I just started teaching other people to fix ships.”

“I always wondered why you didn’t do that before,” Finn commented. “You were always good at teaching me and Rey.”

“You two were perfect delights,” I said. “And Rey and I taught each other as much as anything else.” I grinned at her. “All my quick and dirty fixes come from you. Even if I don’t have the Force.”

“Duct tape fixes everything,” Rey shot back. I grinned.

“Hey, did you bring the droids?” I asked. “It’s been forever since I’ve seen them.”

“They’re around somewhere,” Poe said. “Actually, we should go find them. And go give you the grand tour. Where are you sleeping, anyway? We can find you a place to bunk with one of us - no need for you to stay in guest quarters.”

I blushed. I know I blushed, and I tried to cover as best as I could by surveying the other ships in the hangar. Unfortunately, there weren’t many.

“Um, I’m staying at the General’s place?” I said as we started to meander towards the exit.

“What?”

“How?”

“Oh.” That last was from Poe. He chuckled, then gave me a smile.

“I’m telling Tela on you,” I snapped, and watched with amusement as Finn and Rey’s eyes snapped to Poe instead of him. _That’s right, Dameron. Two can play at that game._

“Tela?” Finn asked. “Hang on… Isn’t that the girl you were?”

“She’s the innkeeper in Reya’s village,” Poe said hurriedly. _Oh, Poe, does this mean you were talking about Tela?_ I thought wickedly. He looked at me, then away, then back at me. “How is she?” he asked softly.

“She’s fine,” I said. “I left her looking after Alix for the minute, so she has someone to fuss over.” I thought about adding the next sentence, but decided it couldn’t hurt. “I think she misses you.”

Poe smiled a little. “Huh.”

“Don’t break her heart, Dameron,” I said firmly, shoving a finger into his chest. “I will hurt you.”

“No intention of it, I swear!” Poe said, retreating with his hands up, full-on grinning now. “But what’s this about you staying at the General’s?”

I grimaced. _Well, it’s now or never._ “Ben - Ben Solo - turns out he lives on a hilltop next to the village,” I explained, for Rey and Finn’s benefit. “Anyway, because of liner schedules, and us living on a backwater planet and things, I was the only one around with a ship when he found out about the General, so I flew him here. And he offered me a place to stay.”

“You…” Finn began, then whistled. “Huh.”

“You and Ben,” Rey said, managing two more words than Finn. “Huh.”

“It’s not a big deal,” I said, walking past them. “Weren’t we going to give me a tour of the base now?”

All three of them stared at me for a minute, as if saying _yes, Reya, it is a big deal_ , then Finn nodded. “Fine. Let’s go and show you the Base.”

“Yeah,” Poe said, slinging an arm over my shoulders. “Although you are telling me everything later,” he said in my ear. “You need to talk to someone. Something’s going on in that head of yours, and it’s going to get more convoluted if you don’t at least tell someone.”

“Who are you, my mind-healer?” I shot back. “But fine. I’ll talk. Later. Over a beer. Or several.”

Poe frowned. “I’m usually the one asking for alcohol.”

“I’m not usually the one with the love life,” I shot back, then winced. “Or lack thereof.”

“Oh, honey,” Poe said, “my little girl’s growing up.”

“You aren’t that much older than me, Dameron,” I shot back. “Unless you want me calling you ‘old man’ all the time?”

“Yeah,” Finn put in. “Old Man Dameron. It’s kinda got a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”

“Traitor.” Poe stuck his tongue out at Finn, who just laughed and hid behind Rey.

It was good to be home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, you guys are filled with awesome. thank you for reading and commenting!!


	46. Forty Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe and Reya talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh, I hope this is more or less coherent - I wrote it all in a rush, which is usually when I write my best, but... yeah. Hope you like it!

“So. Tell me everything.” I was walking with Poe in the direction of the General’s house. We’d abandoned Rey and Finn to their own devices, with Poe offering to escort me the rest of the way to the house. Not that I needed an escort, as I’d reminded him. He’d just glanced at me in that way of his, and I’d agreed, however grudgingly, and waited for the inquisition to begin. “The last time I saw you, you were practically hiding in your house. You hated the guy. You didn’t even go up to that clifftop until I was almost gone.”

I shrugged. “A decade of resentment takes a while to get past, Dameron.” Another shrug. “And besides, I was mourning Falon too.” Saying his name didn’t hurt any more, I realised. Not even the slightest bit. Sure, the melancholy might always be there, the hopes for what might have been, but that was it. I smiled. “And once I accepted that he wasn’t responsible for Falon’s death, directly or otherwise, I started wondering what else I was wrong about.”

“Makes sense,” Poe said. “But that’s still a long way from willingly spending four days travelling with him to get him here on time. I mean, you could have just gotten him to the nearest liner port. He would have made it here almost as quickly.”

I wasn’t quite sure what to say to that one. So I stared at my feet, putting one foot in front of the other slowly, deliberately.

“What was I supposed to do?” I asked eventually. “I hadn’t spoken to him - hadn’t even seen him since that day - the day I found out who he was. And then he shows up at the hangar in the middle of the night - it’s coincidence I’m there, even.” Poe’s eyebrows rose. “I couldn’t sleep, so I was going to do some maintenance, and found Alix there”

“Which is a whole other story you can tell me at some point,” Poe said, cutting me off as I would have explained everything about Alix’s woes. I frowned at him.

“You know me too well, Dameron.” He shoved me with his shoulder and I took a few steps to one side, sticking my tongue out at him.

“Seriously, though. Why did you fly him?”

“The liner - the one he could’ve taken straight here - that had left that evening, a few hours before,” I said.

“Don’t… That’s not the only reason you helped him,” Poe protested.

“It’s not,” I agreed. “It’s Leia Organa, for goodness sake! If she’s ..dying” My voice cracked on the last word, “And her son wants to get to her, and she wants him there, of course I’m going to help.”

“And her son wants to get to her,” Poe repeated.

“Of course you’d harp on that point,” I huffed. “I was already on the way to … I don’t know, accepting him, I guess? By the time he showed up on my doorstep. I mean, seriously. If you get along with him, and you have way more reason to be personally angry with the guy, maybe I could as well. And…” I looked down at my feet again. “I had those months, when we just talked, to reconcile with the man who’d done those things. And thinking about you playing his pilot - there had to be something there. Some kind of explanation, or remorse, or… something.”

“And now?”

“Now?” I looked from the lush greenery on the side of the road onto Poe’s face. To my surprise, he grinned and started laughing.

“You really are that obtuse, huh?”

“Poe, what the hell?” I said, feeling a flare of annoyance begin to curl in my chest. “You walk me to the General’s like I’m some kid, ask me questions, then laugh at me?”

Poe sobered immediately. “I’m sorry, kid.”

I shook my head. “I probably overreacted.”

“Still. You know how you feel.”

“I do.” I shook my head.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Poe asked somewhat hesitantly, and I looked into his face again. Could I tell Poe? I knew he wouldn’t tell anyone. But that wouldn’t prevent him from interfering, if he thought it appropriate. On the other hand, to have someone - anyone - to talk to…

“You know,” I said finally, “Or you guessed.”

“What did I guess?” Poe asked, very slowly.

“The reason I was so upset when I realised who Ben really was, another reason why I helped him get here. Why I’m not going to tell him a word of what I’m telling you. Understand?”

Poe nodded. “I understand.”

“Ben is… he’s good. He’s a good man, Poe. He cares, about his mom, about people. He feels guilt, for everything he’s done, even though he was _brainwashed_ through most of it. He even bears guilt for stuff he hasn’t done! It’s like he feels like he deserves the blame for everything bad in the galaxy!”

“And you don’t think so?”

“Of course not!” I realised how loudly I was speaking, and lowered my voice. “Of course not. He doesn’t deserve that from other people, let alone himself. Stupid martyr. He deserves happiness.”

“And you think you can give him that?”

“And that, right there, is why you and I are going to keep our mouths firmly shut, you understand me?” I said, grabbing Poe’s shoulder and squeezing. “If he even suspected I loved him, he’d feel obligated to treat me a certain way, because that’s who he is. And I won’t have that. Ok? I won’t have him _sacrificing_ himself on the altar of my feelings, which are about as useless as a protocol droid in a spacer’s bar.”

“You love him?” Poe asked.

“Have you seen him?” I said wearily. “Apart from anything else, he’s gorgeous. And funny. And nice. And humble. And sweet.”

“I don’t think anyone except his mother would agree with you.”

“I knew I liked the General,” I said with a caustic grin, which dropped off my face as soon as I moved on. “If he was anyone else, I doubt he’d even look at me, Poe. I mean, I’m in a flight suit most of the time, not that I do anything with myself anyway. And who wants a girl who was pretty much broken by her first love?”

“I’m pretty certain he does,” Poe said.

“Oh no,” I said, holding up a hand. “No. No no no. No matchmaking. No saying ‘I’m sure he feels the same.’ Even if he said it to you, don’t you see? It’s completely the wrong time for this, Poe! His mother is dying! All either of us can do is be there for him. However he’ll let us. And that has to be enough.”

“Got it?”

Poe sighed. “I think you’re making a mistake.” He saw the look on my face. “But fine.” He extended his arm. “Can I get you the rest of your way to Lover-boy?”

“Don’t call him that!” I said, but I was blushing as I said it.

“Only where no one else can hear us,” Poe promised.

“You’re the worst, Dameron.”

“I know.”


	47. Forty Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reya arrives at General Organa's house and settles in, or tries to

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies - I'm not sure what happened - i think I didn't post Ch. 46 for some reason, so there might be some confusion here. In case you don't know which chapter to read first, if you haven't read Reya and Poe's heart to heart, I'd go back and read that... Hope that helps, and I think I'm back to posting more regularly as well.
> 
> Thank you for all the comments, y'all are awesome!!

"Miss Reya!" I turned in the entry way to find a golden protocol droid coming towards me.

"Hello, 3PO," I said as warmly as I could manage through my nerves. _I'm going to be staying here. In this palace of a place._ The ceilings were monstrously tall, the place polished and cleaned to within an inch of its life, and I was intimidated. There. I'd admitted it. It did no harm to admit that I felt so very out of place here. I looked at my grease-stained hands and my stinky flight suit. If I touched anything, I was sure everyone would notice. _What was he thinking, asking me to stay here?_

"Welcome! Master Ben said you would be staying with us," 3PO continued, not noticing my freakout, or if he did, being too polite to mention it.

"He -" I started. _Master Ben. That's actually really sweet._ "Yes, I am. Thank you for having me."

"Oh, it was our pleasure," the droid said, "Please follow me - I'm sure you want to clean up before you see the Princess?"

"Please," I said, letting 3PO lead the way out of the hall and up a staircase, making sure not to brush the white stone walls as we climbed.

The place was beautiful, art on the walls providing colour to the all-white house, every angle and doorway seemingly in the exactly correct spot.

"It was so nice to hear you were back," 3PO said, turning left and leading me down a corridor. "I know Commander Dameron has missed your company here. Not to mention that the squadron has been sadly lacking in maintenance since your departure." He tisked. "I believe they went through three replacements in the first year."

"I'm sure whoever's doing the work is doing a wonderful job," I replied noncommittally.

"And here we are," 3PO said, opening a door and gesturing for me to go through.

I stepped into the room and stopped. The first thing I saw was a view of D'Qar through a floor-to-ceiling window, the room high enough that I could see just over the canopy of the trees. I took a few steps forward, fixated on the view. It was… beautiful. 3PO was nattering about something, but I wasn't paying any attention as I tore my eyes away from the view and surveyed the rest of the room.

A frankly enormous bed anchored the other side of the room, with a desk in the far corner. On the other side another door was half-open, leading to what I assumed was the bathroom.

"-And I'm sure you'll want to come to the big dinner in a few days, so we can make sure some of her old things are tailored to fit," 3PO was saying.

"Wait what?" I asked. "Whose old things?"

"The Princess'," 3PO said, and my jaw dropped. "As I said, she asked me to tell you that her wardrobe is yours, for the duration of your stay."

"I don't, I mean," I said, stumbling over the proper phrases. "I'm honoured, believe me, but." I stopped myself. "Thank you, 3PO, but I still have some of my wardrobe in storage here," _Lie._ "And I'm sure I can talk with the General about this later." Also a lie. There was no way I was going to waste the General's time with nonsense about _wardrobe_. I'd cope with the things I had.

"In any case," 3PO continued, "The General is in the conservatory, if you'd like to see her."

"I thought," I started, surprised. " I thought there'd be some kind of process, or procedure, or something."

"Not for friends and family," the droid replied. "Do you require anything else, Miss Reya?"

"No, thank you, 3PO," I said, almost automatically. _Friends and family._ When had I become friends and family with Leia Organa, of all people.

 _Probably when you became one of Ben's friends_ , a traitorous voice in the back of my head muttered.

"Whatever," I said aloud, dropping my pack on the bed and chuckling as it bounced. Twice.

Questions and deep thoughts could wait. Right now, I wanted a shower.

::::::::::

I looked in the mirror - the first time I'd actually examined my reflection since before I'd left home.

I was a little surprised by what I saw. My hair was almost black from the shower, hanging I wet strands around my face, which looked - wan. I looked tired, I decided, which was only fair, considering my recent hours of flying/ hours of sleep ratio. I gave myself a brief smile.

 _At least you brought one respectable outfit of your own with you,_ I thought, smoothing the olive fabric of my dress as I stood. I hadn't been anticipating staying in a place this fancy, and I'd packed in a rush - it was a miracle, all things considered, that I'd packed a dress at all. I was still baffled by the idea of wearing anything of Leia Organa's. _I'll buy clothes, if I have to._

And then there was no more avoiding it. I slipped on my flats - my non-flight suit boots - and slipped out of my room and down the hallway.

"Conservatory," I murmured, making my way down the stairs into the entrance hallway. "Where is the conservatory?" I set off down the hall that lead into the rest of the ground floor - I hoped.

Sure enough, within a minute I could hear the low murmur of voices up ahead. I approached more tentatively, one well-scrubbed hand sliding along the wall.

The voices were coming from a room to the left of the corridor, just out of sight. I took a deep breath, let it out, and squared my shoulders. _Here goes nothing._

I took three steps, turned, and stood on the threshold of the conservatory.

Leia Organa was lying on a medbed in the centre of the room, her people around her. Poe was in one corner talking to Jess Pava, Rey and Finn were curled up on a love seat, Chewbacca was there, listening to something an Admiral I didn't recognise was saying. And his face was the only one I didn’t recognise.

Ben was sitting in the chair next to his mother, holding her hand and talking with her. It was the first time I'd seen him in something that wasn't black, I realised as my eyes traced the grey fabric that clung to his muscles back.

And then, as if he was aware of my gaze on him, he turned.

"Reya." I could see his lips forming my name, but he spoke too quietly, or I was too far away to hear it, I couldn't tell. I half-smiled, raising my hand in hello. My movement had alerted the others to my presence, and Poe separated himself from Jess to come over.

"Well don't you look lovely," Poe said, putting an arm around me as he led me into the room.

"I can clean up," I said quietly, relaxing minutely under Poe's arm.

"And you do it well," Poe agreed. "General, you remember Chief Trno," he said, and all my attention went to the General.

"Of course I do," she said, voice quiet, but as sharp as ever. "The girl who kept our ships going. How could I forget? And quite the lovely young lady you've turned into as well." She still seemed so normal. Except that she barely moved as she spoke, and her voice was thin.

"Thank you, General," I murmured.

Leia smiled. "No need to thank me, Chief. Now, can I call you Reya? And you should call me Leia."

"Of course," I said. "Leia." The name felt foreign as I said it. I couldn't just...

"Ben, get Reya a chair, please," Leia said, and Ben stood, putting a hand on my shoulder as he passed me.

"Sit down," Leia said, barely waving her hand at Ben's recently vacated chair. I sat, not sure whether to be amused or intimidated by how easily Leia shaped the universe to her will. _But if anyone deserves it, she does._

"Now. Tell me what Ben is like when I'm not around," Leia said. I looked around, sure everyone was listening. But no. Everyone was occupied. Well, apart from Ben, and Poe, who was looking over, mischief clear in his face.

"I'm not..."

"What was he like..." Leia began to cough, and I grabbed for the cup of water on the table next to her, holding it so she could drink. Ben was next to me in the next instant, grabbing Leia's hand and kneeling at her side.

"Thanks," Leia gasped, taking a few sips of water. She glanced at Ben. "Mother hens. The pair of you."

"Can you blame me?" Ben shot back, and I smiled when Leia chuckled, removing her hand from Ben’s and placing it on his cheek instead.

“No, I suppose not,” she said. “Now, go and get a chair. You’ll ruin your knees.”

“My knees are fine,” Ben grumbled, just barely audible as he moved away. I giggled. I couldn’t help it. Ben seemed so… normal. Almost like a teenage boy.

“How did you two meet?” Leia asked, and I glanced at her. I’d been watching Ben, again. _Focus, Reya!_

“He moved into a house near the village,” I said, thinking back to the first time I’d climbed those stairs - had it only been a few months ago? “About six or seven months ago, and I was sent to bring him some house-warming gifts.” I made a face. “My friend Tela - she’s the innkeeper - is social like that.”

“Poe’s Tela?” My eyebrows rose and I glanced at Poe, who wasn’t paying attention.

“He’s talked about her?” I asked.

Leia smiled and gave a nod. “Often.” Her smile turned into a grin. “I think your friend may have left an impression.”

“Well, the reverse is certainly true,” I said, grinning back. _I’ll have to tell Tela_.

“Things I thought I’d never see,” Leia murmured. Ben dropped a chair next to mine, silently. “Hello, son. Long time no see.”

“You don’t have dementia, Mother,” Ben said, smiling slightly as he sat. He looked better. Still sad, still tired, but less worried. I was glad to see it.

“Are you sure?” Leia asked, eyes sparkling. “Because I might just be imagining that you’re here with … good heavens, is this a woman?” I blushed scarlet, and looked at my lap. Someone chuckled, and I didn’t dare look up and see who.

“Mother,” Ben said repressively. “Please don’t torture her. She’s the reason I’m here, after all.” I glanced at Ben, who was looking at me. I just shook my head. He didn’t need to look after me. I could take care of myself.

“So she is,” Leia said. “I do need to thank you for that.”

“There’s no need, General - I mean, Leia,” I said hurriedly. “Really. I was happy to help.”

“Thank you anyway,” she said. “Now. Tell me more about you. Are you still working on ships? I heard Poe saying he sold you Betsy - how is she treating you?”

 


	48. Forty Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reya finds herself outside in the fresh air. Ben finds her.

_Gods, this view is amazing._

I was standing on a balcony on the upper level of the house, resting my elbows against the railing. It was nice, out here in the fresh air, even though the humidity make my hair escape its braid and made my dress cling to my skin.

And I could see for miles. Well, I could see for miles if it weren't for the fog. The fog which curled into the canopy half a klick from the house and which was drawing closer as I watched.

"Reya?" I turned, and found Ben standing in the doorway, silhouetted by the light streaming out of the living room.

"Hey," I said, making no move to join him. I'd come out here for a bit of peace and quiet, after all. A bit of normalcy, just me and the landscape, like at home, on the cliff top. Talking with Leia had been - so normal, so comfortable, that the ease itself had been odd. Not to mention the flashes of memory that I seemed to receive at random - a mentioned name, a place - any reference, however oblique seemed to cause memories to spring, unbidden, to the surface. There were more than I remembered there being. Both good and bad.

Here, outside, I could pretend I was home, that I was looking out to the sea - a sea of trees instead of water, though. And Ben must have known that I wasn't coming in, or else he wanted some quiet of his own, because instead of asking me to come in, or leaving me to it, he walked over and leaned on the railing next to me.

I glanced at him without turning my head. It was still so strange to see him in grey instead of black. Not that he looked bad in either colour. But he looked... more fragile in the grey.

"You doing ok?" I asked.

Ben barked a laugh. "I was going to ask you that."

"I'm fine - of course," I replied, confused. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Ben didn't reply right away.

"Sure, it's strange," I said, more compelled to speak by his silence than I would have been by any response. "It's strange to be back, to see everyone. To be here, at the General's house." _To see how fragile she is_ , I thought, but didn't say. "But that's not important."

Ben shook his head.

"How _are_ you doing?" I asked, wondering as I said it if I was pushing my luck.

Ben sighed. "I'm glad we got here when we did." He seemed to sag as he stood there, drawing in on himself. "She.... Doesn't have long left - a few days, they think."

I put a hand on his arm. "Oh, Ben. I'm so sorry."

He smiled sadly, catching my eye and holding it. "Nothing we can do, right?" I shook my head. "And she's glad she got to see you again," he said, smile brightening.

"No idea why," I murmured. I was extremely conscious of my hand, still on his bicep. Well, partially on his bicep. Should I let go? He didn't seem to mind it.

"I think she likes that I've got a friend."

"Yeah," I agreed, but I wasn't sure what I was agreeing to. I let my hand drop, settling it on the railing again.

"Did you have fun with Rey and Finn and Poe?" Ben asked after a while. I'd been looking out into the fog again, so I jerked around to look at him.

"It was nice to see them," I said. "But.... None of us are the people we were." I cracked a smile. "Well, except for Poe."

"Hell will freeze over before Dameron grows up," Ben agreed. We smiled at each other, and I got to watch as Ben's smile dropped off his face.

"Reya?" I should stop staring, stop memorising his face, I knew. But I couldn't seem to pull my eyes away.

"Mmm?"

He kept looking at me as well, at me, not through me, and suddenly he had his arms around me, burying his face in my hair and holding me as if he was going to be blown away.

I brought my arms up more slowly, shocked by the suddenness of Ben's movement, fingers pulling the light fabric of his shirt over his back as I tried to offer some comfort.

"I don't know what to do," Ben murmured into my ear, his breath making my hair tickle and me shiver. "She's there, hurting, dying, and I don't know what to do - there should be something I can do!"

"It's my fault anyway, and Dad would have been doing something, out searching for a cure-"

"And wouldn't be here when she needed him," I said firmly, trying to stop Ben's guilt trip before it fled too far afield. "Han Solo - he was great, but…" I trailed off. "He wasn't so good with the being there part. You're here. You're with her, you came when it was important, and that is the best and most important thing you can do. For the both of you."

Ben's inhale was more like a gasp, and I felt my own eyes beginning to burn with incipient tears.

"And I will keep saying this until you start to believe me. Sure, you did bad stuff. No one is disputing that. But not everything in the galaxy is your fault. Leia being sick is not your fault. It's not your fault. Do you hear me?"

Ben didn't say anything, just tightened his grip around my waist. I could feel his face against my neck. _Not the time, Reya. So not the time._ I moved one of my hands to his head, fingers brushing over his hair.

"It's not your fault the First Order did those things to your mom. You weren't even there. It's not your fault. Ben, can you repeat that for me? Say it's not my fault?"

I felt his chuckle more than I heard it. "Aye, Chief," he said.

And yet he didn't say it. "Ben?"

He sighed. "It's not my fault." He straightened, gradually, and I let my arms slip from his head and shoulder, sliding down his arms. But he didn't let go of me entirely, just stood up far enough so he was standing, so he could see my face. I could see the half-grimace as he spoke. "Not sure I believe it."

"I do," I said, giving him the most reassuring expression I could. "It's not your fault, Ben Solo."

Ben's eyes narrowed, and he focused suddenly on my face. "You…" A hand came up from my waist and traced my cheekbone, and I was startled to feel the tears Ben wiped away. "Please don't cry."

"I didn't realise I had," I said, bringing one of my own hands up to check my other cheek for tears. Ben's arm, the one that was still around my waist, tightened.

"I'm sorry."

"What for?" I was puzzled.

"You wouldn't be going through this if it weren't for me,"

I shook my head at him. "Not everything in the universe is your fault, remember?" I smiled. "Believe me, I'd much rather be here than hear about this secondhand. And," I steeled myself briefly. "I like my life much better with you in it." _There. That's as close as I get to saying what I really think._

Ben's jaw dropped slightly before he caught himself. "Oh." I patted him on the arm. The door opened, and both of us turned to look at the intruder.

Finn's grin broadened as he looked at us. "You two ok out here?" Ben released his arm from my waist, and I backed up a step, suddenly feeling the cold in the places he'd been touching me.

"Just needed some air," I said, feeling awkward.

"Don't mind me," Finn said, grin turning wicked. "We were just wondering if you had plans for dinner, Reya."

"No," I said. "No plans." _What am I going to do? Go into base and have dinner on my own?_

"Great." Finn's eyes darted from me to Ben, then back to me. "Well, then food's up in about 10, if you want to come inside." He vanished, taking with him whatever bubble Ben and I had been in.

"So," Ben said after a moment. "Can I escort you to dinner, Chief Trno?" He held out an arm, looking serious.

"Of course you can, Master Solo," I said, threading my hand into his elbow. _This is lovely. Strange, but lovely._


	49. Forty Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I've been gone - my Internet went out, so I'm restricted to coffee shops and phone internet. But rest assured, I'm still writing. I promise!
> 
> Hope you enjoy, and have a lovely week!

"Hey, Chief," I smiled as I watched Alix's face on the screen. She was barely sitting still, bouncing up and down as she sat in front of the vid pickup. "Madden said he'd send this to you, and that you might like to hear how things are going, soooo." The girl glanced around.

"Things are fine here, for the most part." Her grin grew wicked. "Silva and Madden are out now - public - who'd have thought? Those two? But they seem to work. Silva's a little more easy-going now, I think, and Madden seems a little less crazy. But that's how relationships are supposed to work, right? One person makes the other one better?"

"Not that I'd know about that. Boys my age are stupid." Alix's nose wrinkled, and I chuckled silently. _Not just the boys your age, sweetie._ "The hangar seems empty without you and Betsy - I can't believe you've only been gone less than a week. But I'm still hanging out here, I hope that's ok. I'm doing better with my homework. Madden's been helping me with the engineering, and guess what?"

Alix practically bounced up and down, her smile threatening to split her face in half. "My mom gets to have her treatment in a facility here on the island! We don't have to move! I mean, I'll still be on my own for a while," she said, sobering, "but I won't have to move schools, or move away from my friends, or anything." She smiled directly into the pickup. "If you had anything to do with that, Chief, thank you."

I hadn't had anything to do with that, actually. But I was glad someone had intervened - it would make Alix's life so much easier, and better, if she could stay around her support system while her mother received treatment.

"Anyway, I gotta go - school in half an hour, and I don't want to be late. Travel safe, Chief, and come home soon - we miss you! Alix out." The girl reached forward, and the screen went black.

I stared at the blank screen for a minute, replaying bits of the letter. 'We miss you.' 'The hangar seems empty without you.' It suddenly seemed like a very long way from D'Qar to home. "Miss you too, kiddo."

I'd been here for thirty-six hours or so, and half of those had been spent in the same room as Leia, to my surprise. We'd spent dinner chatting about shiptypes, and this morning, over breakfast, Leia had managed to get me to tell the story of how I'd started up my little repair class.

But even I could tell she was getting sicker by the hour. Her pauses between phrases grew longer, her naps more frequent, and it seemed like she was always in pain.

_Poor Leia._

Ben had been by her side since we'd gone to dinner - I was pretty certain he'd slept on the couch next to the med-bed in the conservatory last night, and was starting to show strain. But other than being there, there was nothing for either of us to do, and I could see the tension starting to wear on him.

Smiles, not the easiest expression to coax out of Ben at the best of times, were even slower in coming, and always tinged with sadness. His eyes hardly ever left Leia, and he was almost as competent at checking the med readouts as any of the techs that scurried around. I'd left, or more appropriately, been kicked out by the lady herself, with an admonition to get some rest.

And so, here I was, in the lovely room Id been assigned, going over my mail, trying to get sleep. Although no matter how long I tried, I suspected it would be many hours before I actually slept.

:::::::::::

_I was right._

It was two hours later, and I was done. I'd been tossing and turning for an hour and a half, and I was no closer to sleep than I'd been when I first flopped onto the bed. I grumbled something incomprehensible as I finally sat up, swinging my legs over the side of the bed and standing up. My eyes felt like someone had dumped sand in them, and I peered around for the robe I'd seen - there, next to the dresser. I slung it over my shoulders, too lazy to bother with getting dressed at - I glanced at the time - 3:30am. _Lovely._

I padded downstairs, passing bedrooms that I knew had been given to other visitors. Poe had one, Rey and Finn had another, Ben's was... somewhere. I actually didn’t know where his room was. _Not that it’s any of my business anyway._

I made my way into the kitchen, not intentionally moving quietly, but too aware of the sleep of everyone else in the house to make much noise.

Debating libations of a more alcoholic nature, I was pouring myself a glass of water when i heard a sound coming from the conservatory. I left the glass where it was and slunk through the hall, poking my head through the doorway.

Leia was in her medbed, reading a real paper book. As I watched, she turned another page and I realised that was the sound I had heard.

And then she tilted her head in my direction. "Come out, whoever you are. I can tell you're there."

I trotted obediently around so Leia could see me, sinking into one of the chairs by her side. She was alone.

"I sent everyone to get some sleep," she said, noticing me glancing at all the empty seats. "Including you, young lady."

"I couldn't sleep," I said. "Although I'm impressed you managed to get everyone to at least make the effort." _I didn't think Ben would leave your side._

"Ben didn't want to go," Leia said, as if she could read my thoughts. "But I told him I'd link my medbed sensors to the intercom in his room, and then insisted, so he went."

I chuckled. "I'm impressed."

"So. Why couldn't you sleep?" Leia asked, closing her book and laying it in her lap.

"How did you know I was there?" I returned. I liked Leia, I did. I just wasn't sure if I was ready to have a heart to heart with the mother of the man I was in love with. My stomach started to produce butterflies, but I suppressed them. Now was not the time to get all fluttery.

"Just because I wasn't a Jedi doesn't mean I'm not at least a little Force sensitive," Leia replied easily. "Your turn." I nodded.

"It's not that I'm not physically tired," I said, proving my point with a yawn. "I am. But my mind doesn't believe it. I keep tossing and turning, and my brain won't shut up. It's just insomnia. Nothing too unusual."

"You can't sleep often?"

"Often?" I frowned. "I wouldn't say that. A few times a month, maybe. Occasionally. And definitely when I’m stressed.”

“And you’re stressed now?”

“Leia, I think you’re the one least stressed about this whole thing, even though you have the most reason to be,” I protested with a smile. “For me, I think I’m still getting over the trip. And I’m worrying about Ben too. I know he’s the last one who wants to take care of himself, so I was anticipating having to sit on him to make him eat. But you seem to be handling that much better than I could have.”

Leia smiled. “Don’t underestimate yourself. But no matter how old you get, there’s something to be said for doing something just because your mother tells you to.” I smiled faintly. “But you wouldn’t know that, would you?”

“No, ma’am,” I said softly, eyes drawn irresistibly to my lap, where my fingers were playing with the belt of my robe. “Orphan. No parents as far back as I can remember. Which is fine, for the most part. I have lots of fond memories from growing up at the Base here.”

“Tell me something you remember?” Leia asked. “A good memory from growing up?”

“A good memory?” I cast my mind through years of memories, searching for an appropriate story to share. “There was this one time when a friend and I managed to sneak away and camp outside the Base - did you hear about it?”

“I can’t remember,” Leia frowned.

“It would have been just as the War was starting,” I said. “Probably didn’t even reach your command level. Anyway…”

::::::::::

“I like her.” I half-heard Leia’s remark as I almost woke up. I was still on the armchair next to her medbed - I must have fallen asleep there. I considered making the effort of waking all the way up, and decided against. I was too comfortable, dozing here. To get up, to climb the stairs to my room? Too much work.

“She’s…” That was Ben’s voice. I felt a whisper of a touch on my hair. “Incredible, isn’t she?”

“She cares about you, Ben. Let her.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Mom.” Again that feather-light weight on my head. I wanted to wake up now, to tell Ben he was wrong, that I did care, but sleep was dragging me down again, and I drifted off to the feeling of Ben’s fingers in my hair.


	50. Fifty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Ball, Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO SO sorry it's taken me this long to post! Add together travel, work, and the Internet connection from hell, and I've barely been able to write, let alone post. 
> 
> But here it is, the ball, part one. I hope you like it!

The dress was beautiful.

Blue silky fabric from some world I’d never heard of, with green embroidery along the bodice, working in whorls and swirls, serving to give me a waist, and hips, and a bust. I had no idea clothing could do such things.

And yet here I was, standing in the most beautiful (and expensive) dress I’d ever seen, in Leia Organa’s dressing room, with a protocol droid flitting around me.

“Perhaps another inch in the hem? Or another half inch in the waist?”

“If you take in any more around the waist, 3PO, I’m not going to be able to breathe.”

“Humans,” the droid huffed.

“Yes, humans,” I said, amused. “We do need to do things like breathe, occasionally. And honestly, 3PO, I love the dress. I don’t think it needs anything else doing to it.”

“Not even a little-“

“No, 3PO,” I said, ready to get out of the dressing room and head down to the party.

Well, party was a strong word. It was Leia’s idea - a fancy get-together of all of her friends and family. An excuse to make merry, to dress up and eat fancy food and drink alcohol. _‘To enjoy yourselves, instead of just waiting for me to die,’_ as she’d put it. And she’d insisted I wear one of her dresses.

I could hear the noises of the party downstairs - people had started arriving a half-hour ago, but 3PO had started fussing, and I was done. Even though butterflies were multiplying in my stomach as I thought of facing everyone dressed like this - facing _Ben_ dressed like this. But even that had to be better than standing still as a statue and being 3PO’s living mannequin.

“If you insist on going down looking not at your best,” the droid huffed.

“3PO, compared to how I normally dress, this is my best. Better than my best, even.” The droid looked at me.

“If that is how you feel, Miss Reya.”

“The dress looks beautiful, 3PO. Promise.”

“You look beautiful as well.” I brushed it off.

“Would you like an escort to the party?” he held up one golden arm.

“I’d be delighted,” I replied, threading my hand into the crook of his elbow and swishing my way out of the room.

 

Of course we ran straight into Poe.

He let out a low whistle. “Wow. Reya.”

“You don’t look so bad yourself, Dameron,” I said, looking over Poe in full dress uniform. He looked handsome, as always, but, with something extra. An air of command, perhaps. And Poe was staring back, mouth hanging slightly open.

“You’ll catch flies,” I teased, stepping forward to close his jaw with a finger. “But seriously,” I asked, worried. “Do I look that bad?”

“Bad?” Poe shook his head. “No. Not that.” He chuckled. “You’re going to give him a heart attack.” Poe’s grin flashed.

I tried to smile back. “You think?”

“Have you seen yourself in the mirror, kid?” Poe asked. “You look stunning - not that you don’t always look beautiful, in your own way.”

“The way that’s me in coveralls, covered in engineering grease, you mean,” I shot back.

“He seems to like you well enough that way too,” Poe replied.

“So you say.”

Poe ignored me. “But yeah, once he sees you in this… I can’t wait to see his face.”

“You really think I look pretty?” I asked softly. I couldn’t believe I looked - I mean, the dress was stunning, and it gave me curves in all the appropriate places for such things. I felt a small smile creep to my face.

“Fishing for compliments, are we?” Poe smiled, but there was no edge to the question. “You look gorgeous, sweetheart. Now.” He turned to C-3PO. “I’ll take her down to the party, with your permission.”

“Of course, Commander Dameron,” 3PO said, bowing. “Enjoy your evening, Miss Reya.”

“Thanks, 3PO,” I said. “And thanks, for the dress.”

“No need to thank me,” the droid said, tottering down the hallway the way we’d come. “Although thanks are always appreciated. That little R2 never appreciates me enough…”

I tuned out the usual grumbling as Poe took my hand and placed it on his elbow.

“You ready for this?” he asked. “Leia’s going to be introducing you to everyone, you know.”

“I don’t want to meet everyone,” I said. _I just want to talk to Ben._

“You’ll do fine,” Poe assured me. We were at the head of the staircase, and I could see people’s heads and backs as they talked and mingled, all dressed in their finery.

And then a familiar figure started up the stairs, head down.

“Ben,” Poe called, and Ben raised his head.

I could tell the instant he saw me, because he froze completely. Not a muscle moved, and it must have been catching, because I couldn’t move either. I could just look at Ben. At him, in his grey Jedi Master’s robes.

 _I had no idea he’d reached that rank,_ I thought absently, noticing how the robes made his shoulders - already wide - look wider, made him look taller. How he’d managed to corral his hair into some kind of order on his head, instead of letting a lock or two fall in front of his eyes.

Then I could move again, suddenly. I almost gasped, so suddenly did I inhale, feeling my ribs tighten against the boning of the dress. I raised a hand, waving it slightly.

“Hi, Ben.” He blinked once, twice, then shook his head, once, as if to clear it. Poe put a hand on my back and pushed, softly.

“Go,” he whispered in my ear. “Don’t fall down the stairs.”

I chuckled and almost shot him a rude hand gesture, but thought better of it. Not in this dress, not now, when I felt like a princess, when Ben was looking at me like _that_. I put one hand on the bannister, gathered my skirts with the other, and walked down the stairs towards Ben. Who was still staring at me, unmoving.

It was like we were in our own little bubble. I didn’t hear the people around me, I didn’t notice if anyone else was watching. It was just me, walking down the stairs slowly enough that I didn’t trip on my skirts, and Ben.

He finally moved when I was two steps away. Two yards. Maybe less. He straightened, and bowed. I inhaled sharply, shocked. Jedi Masters didn’t bow to anyone other than other Masters.

Ben straightened, and held his hand, palm outstretched towards me. “Reya, would you allow me the honour of escorting you into the party?” His voice was even more gravelly than usual, and I felt my stomach start to do somersaults.

I nodded, not trusting my voice, and placed my hand on his. Ben led me down the last few steps, and the volume suddenly turned on again. People were staring at us, the people I’d been ignoring before, and I could hear chatter and voices raised, even if I couldn’t hear the actual words. But Ben strode through the mass of people, my forearm resting on his as he took us through the crowd.

I stepped a fraction closer to whisper in his ear. Well, as close to it as I could get - he was tall. And moving.

“I had no idea you were a Master,” I said, the image of him bowing to me still stuck in my head.

“Uncle Luke gave me the rank after the War - I spent a summer at the new Temple. Building.” I didn’t have to be watching his face to know the guilt that would be there. Of course I was, though, and felt my heart squeeze in sympathy.

“It suits you,” I said, tightening my hand on his briefly. I felt him tense underneath my arm, then relax. We made our way around a group of people, through the hallway to the kitchen.

“Where are we going?” I asked. _Not that I particularly mind._

“Mom wanted to see you,” Ben replied. “She’s getting tired - I think the docs want her to rest soon, but she wanted to see you.”

“I should have come down earlier - ignored 3PO,” I said, sudden guilt making the boning of the dress seem suddenly too tight.

It was Ben’s turn to squeeze my hand. “She wasn’t expecting to feel this tired, I think,” he said. “And you look beautiful.” My head shot around to his, trying to read his expression. But he was looking forwards, and I couldn’t quite tell what he was thinking.

I was so preoccupied with that, trying to decipher Ben’s expression, that I almost ran into someone. I trod on my skirt, stumbled, and rammed my elbow and most of my body weight into someone’s back.

An arm wrapped itself around my waist, pulling me back into someone’s hold - a grey arm. _Ben._

“Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry,” I was saying, even as the uniformed man turned. His face was red, and his white uniform shirt was now the blue of the cocktail his neighbour had been drinking. “I am so sorry.”

The officer’s face, which had been turning red, changed expression when he saw me, then changed expression again when he saw Ben. _Uh oh._ The officer’s face grew more and more red.

“General,” I said, guessing the rank high in case I was wrong. “I am so sorry. Please, let me pay for the cleaning of your uniform. I’m afraid I tripped on my skirts.”

“I doubt it was your fault, young lady,” he said, glaring at Ben.

“It was,” I said stoutly. “I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going, and for that, I apologise.” _Please don’t cause a scene, please don’t cause a scene._

“You’re too kind to your escort, Miss,” he said, continuing to glare. An option flashed through my mind, something I’d never normally try, but tonight, in this dress…

“You wouldn’t be questioning the word of a lady, now would you, General?” I straightened, trying my best General Organa impression. The officer finally stopped looking at Ben and glanced at me.

“No,” he said, uncertainly.

“Well, then,” I said. “Please, let me know what I can do about getting that uniform cleaned, and accept my apologies. I’m afraid I was summoned to see the General, and Master Solo was escorting me.” I used Ben’s rank and Leia’s, trying to remind this officious so and so exactly why we were all here in the first place.

I could almost see when the realisation came to the officer - when it clicked that inciting violence with General Organa’s son on her deathbed would be an extremely bad idea, and I relaxed fractionally.

“That… won’t be necessary,” the officer said. “If you’ll excuse me, I believe I had a spare shirt somewhere.” He nodded at me, ignored Ben, and swept off. I relaxed into Ben’s hold - his arm was still around my waist - without thinking about it, and felt him pull me closer.

“That was almost…” I said.

“It was,” Ben agreed, voice hot in my ear. Then he stepped away and offered me an elbow. “Shall we get you to the General, Chief Trno?” he asked formally, although I could see the humour flashing in his eyes.

“That would be most kind, Master Solo,” I replied in kind, slipping my hand into the crook of his elbow and sending Ben a quick grin.

As we made our way into the hallway that led to the conservatory, I heard the hum of voices increase.

“They’ll be talking about us now,” Ben said.

“Let them,” I replied. “We have more important things to do.”


	51. Fifty One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness, I love Leia. She takes no shit. That is all.

“You’re here!” Leia said as we entered the conservatory. Chewbacca straightened and warbled to us as he made his way out of the room, leaving Ben and I alone with Leia.

“You look splendid,” I told the General, stepping away from Ben and moving to take Leia’s hand. And she did. She was wearing some kind of red-gold brocade robes that would have swirled and moved with her, had she been standing.

“So do you, my dear,” Leia replied, squeezing my hand weakly. “I seem to recognise that dress from somewhere…”

“Thank you for lending it to me,” I replied, blushing.

“Consider it a gift,” Leia said, shrugging it off. “Doesn’t she look gorgeous, Ben?”

“Beautiful,” he agreed, and I turned my head to stare at him, to find him staring back at me, at Leia and I together. I was too far away to tell for certain, but I thought I saw a glitter of unshed tears in his eyes. I wanted to go over, to make them go away, to do something.

And then he blinked, and they were gone.

“You look handsome as well, oh son of mine,” Leia continued. Ben moved to Leia’s other side, taking up the seat on that side of her bed. “Doesn’t he, Reya?”

I nodded, even as Ben spoke. “No need to put words in her mouth, Mom.”

“Like she did for you?” I asked, arching an eyebrow at him. _Gorgeous, my scuffed left boot._

“Children,” Leia said, and our attentions turned back to her. “Stop fighting.”

“We weren’t-“ I protested, at the same time that Ben said “Mom -” I met Ben’s eyes across Leia’s bed, and had to chuckle.

“Yes, General,” I said instead. There really wasn’t anything to do except obey Leia.

“Now. I won’t ask you to tell me how the party’s going - I have other people for that.” I didn’t doubt that. Everyone was probably reporting to Leia, in some way or other. “No. What I want from you two is to explain why you aren’t bumping uglies.”

“Mother!” Ben said, pushing back from the bed and beginning to pace as I blushed scarlet.

“Leia,” I protested. “Please.”

“Please you don’t feel that way, or please you don’t want to talk about it with your lover’s mother?”

“Mom!” Ben said. “For the love of … Please stop.” I couldn’t bring myself to look at Ben. I didn’t think I could handle his reaction on top of my own. I was… mortified. Embarrassed. Wishing I could teleport back to my bedroom. Heck, even into the middle of the party, where I’d have to sing would be better. And I certainly couldn’t sing.

“Ben.” Leia’s voice snapped out with as much force as it had always had, albeit with a bit less volume. Ben stopped his pacing, footfalls no longer ringing off the glass walls. “Sit. Now.” With a grumble I would have giggled at any other time, Ben dropped himself into his chair. I chanced a look at Leia, who was looking back at me.

“Now,” she said softly. “You haven’t answered my question, dear.”

“Mom - don’t!” Ben said sharply. “Torture me all you want - but not her - please. She hasn’t done anything to deserve this.” My stomach flip-flopped as Leia reached out to pat Ben’s hand where it was resting on the edge of the bed.

“I promise to be gentle, darling,” she told him. And then her attention was back on me.

“I’m sorry dear. I’d give you time to sort it out on my own, but…” she gave a little shrug. “I seem to be running out of time here, and I’d like to see a few things settled before I go.” I wanted to protest, but there didn’t seem to be a point. There was a reason we were all here, after all. Leia was still smiling at me. “So. How do you feel about my son?”

“Leia,” I said, then stopped, heart in my throat. How could I do this? How could I just blurt out that I was in love with Ben? With his mother right there? He’d… My heart sank. I knew exactly what Ben would do. He’d pretend he cared for me right back. Because that’s what Leia wanted. And the only thing worse than knowing Ben didn’t care for me that way would be him pretending he did for his mother’s sake.

And somehow, Leia seemed to read all of this on my face, or maybe she just realised I couldn’t - wouldn’t - say anything, so she turned her attention to Ben. “Well? Will you tell her?”

I looked at him. For the first time since Leia ambushed us, I looked at him, and discovered he was looking right back at me. And I thought I recognised the expression on his face. Had I seen it before?

Perhaps. In flashes. During our journey. After I’d finished speaking to the crowd at the base, by the bonfire, definitely then. The day we’d said goodbye to Fred and Gans. And the other day, before he’d cried into my shoulder. He was looking at me, and I was suddenly terrified of what that look might mean.

“Ben?” I whispered, and he started as Leia poked him.

“Go on,” she said, and my attention shifted to her, lying on that medbed, smiling the most mischievous grin I’d ever seen on a human being. “Tell her.”

“But she’ll”

“What?”

“She’s not gonna reject me when you’re here, Mom,” Ben blurted, then shut his mouth abruptly.

_Reject me? What?_

Leia huffed. “This is ridiculous.” She folded her hands in front of her. “Get up.” We looked at her. “Both of you. Stand up!” We stood. “Now go over into that corner.” She pointed to the far corner. I swished over, and Ben followed.

“Now what?” Ben asked.

“Put your arms around her. Go on.” Ben looked at me, asking for permission. I nodded, trying to smile but not having one to give him. On the other hand, I wasn’t going to pass up a chance to be in Ben’s arms.

Sure enough, his hands were strong around my waist, and mine slid to his arms as he pulled me closer, my full skirts and his robes touching on the marble floor.

“Now, Reya, ask him the question.”

“The question?” The fingers of my right hand were tracing a seam on Ben’s sleeve absently, the sensation of muscle under cloth, the seam rough under my fingers, grounding me.

“Don’t be dim, dear.” Leia sounded even more exasperated than she had. “You’re far away from me now. Oh, and promise him you won’t lie to him. He won’t believe you, otherwise.”

I chuckled. _That_ I could certainly believe. I craned my head to look into Ben’s eyes, the distance making the act unspeakably intimate.

“I won’t lie to you,” I told him softly. “Promise.”

His fingers tightened around me, once, then relaxed. A corner of his mouth twisted in a crooked grin.

“What, you don’t believe me?” I teased gently. Ben sighed, letting out all his breath in one fell swoop, then gave me a real smile, short-lived though it was.

“I do,” he said.

“Now the question!” Leia called. I made a face, and Ben chuckled.

“You don’t have to ask me anything,” he said. “No matter what Mom says.”

“Yes you do!” Leia called. I grinned, glancing over at Leia before returning my attention to Ben. Not that it was difficult. I was surrounded by him, his arms around me, the warmth of his body keeping the cold from the windows at bay, his cologne - how had I not noticed he was wearing some tonight?

And suddenly I couldn’t look at him again. _Courage, woman,_ I thought, _You can do this. I think._

I looked up into his face. “Why would I reject you?” I asked softly.

 _There. Now you’ve done it. Every bit of caution thrown to the winds now, Reya._ My heart was in my throat, my pulse racing, as I waited for Ben’s answer. And he wasn’t answering.

“What could you do that would make me reject you?” I was genuinely curious now. I thought he’d told me his secrets? What could be worse than the stories he’d already shared? “Planning on stealing Betsy from me?”

“What? No!” Ben shook his head, eyes wide in surprise. “I would never - I know what that ship means to you - I wouldn’t…”

“Just tell her, Ben!” Leia called. I started in surprise, having completely forgotten she was there. It was easy to, around Ben. To pretend we were the only people in the universe.

And Ben, reacting to my surprised jump, had pulled me even closer, so my front was pressed against his. I gasped in surprise, blushing, again, and in the dress I was wearing, I was sure Ben could see the flush spreading down my neck to my collarbone. I couldn’t look at him. I _couldn’t._

“Reya?” And apparently I could. I looked up into his face. “I don’t… I don’t expect anything, ok? I love that we’re friends, and if that’s how you want to stay, that’s fine by me. More than. I’m so lucky that you even-“ he cut himself off, shaking his head, then finding my gaze once more. “You look so stunning in that dress. You look beautiful all the time, but tonight… I’m doing this all wrong.”

My heart felt like I was sprinting, it was beating so quickly. “I’m in love with you, Reya.”

_I’m in love with you. Reya. I’m in love with you. In love._

My brain was shutting down, even as Ben kept speaking. “And nothing has to change, if you don’t feel the same way - I want you in my life, however you want it,” and he was starting to babble, and releasing me, and _that_ couldn’t be allowed.

“No!” I said as Ben’s arms slipped from me, and I grabbed onto his arms and pulled him close, even as he tried to disentangle himself from me. “Ben, stop. Please.”

He stopped, eyes wary as he studied my face. I saw it, the readiness for pain, the fact that he was fully prepared that I’d tell him to leave and never come back, and my heart could have broken a little, at that. But it wasn’t necessary. It wouldn’t be necessary, ever again.

“I’m in love with you too, you idiot,” I said, and suddenly I was being pulled off my feet, crushed in Ben’s arms as he buried his face in my neck. I had to laugh, putting my arms around his neck and running my fingers through his hair.

He put me down, searching my expression, looking worried. “You’re sure?”

We’d separated, just a tad, and I stepped closer, going up on tiptoe so my eyes were at the same level as his. I traced his cheekbone with a finger, awed that _this_ was something I got to do, now, breath catching as Ben leaned, almost imperceptibly, into the touch. “I’m sure,” I breathed, and Ben moved, and suddenly aI was being thoroughly, wonderfully kissed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAARRRGH!!! We did it! Finally! Hurray!!!
> 
> (Seriously, I wanted to get them to own up to it on their own, and then Leia came in and said "hell no, sister. I'm dying here. Let me get some satisfaction out of knowing my son finally kissed the girl!" And so she did. I love Leia.)
> 
> Let me know what you think!!!


	52. Fifty Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOODNESS! You guys are awesome unicorns filled with delight and sprinkles and glitter! Thank you for all of the comments!!!
> 
> I'm sorry it took me a few days to get this chapter out - Reya and Ben were as shocked as I was that they finally kissed, so it took us a while to figure out what came next. I'm pretty happy with it, though. Hope you enjoy, and hurray for those crazy kids finally being together!!! *does happy dance*

One of Ben’s hands was in my hair, directing my head where he wanted it to be, the other around my waist, pulling me closer, and his lips - oh, his _lips -_

My hands were in his hair, my own lips moving against his, and I couldn’t think, couldn’t process anything, except one thought.

_He loves me._

Unfortunately, both of us had to breathe sooner or later. I would have stayed there, in that moment, forever, Ben’s exhale melding with mine, foreheads touching, pulses racing, but another sound intruded. A chuckle.

Leia’s chuckle.

I’d just been kissing Ben with his mother right there. I closed my eyes, pressing closer into Ben. Well, _trying._ We couldn’t really get much closer. Well, unless you removed the layers of clothing between us.

A flash of heat darted through me as Leia continued laughing. _Bad time to be thinking of undressing Ben, Reya. Bad._

I opened my eyes to find Ben looking back at me.

“Hi,” I whispered.

He smiled - I could see the corners of his eyes crinkling, and we were too close for anything else. “Hi,” he whispered back.

“If you two are quite finished,” Leia broke in, and we both turned our heads. She was smiling like the cat who’d caught the canary.

Ben sighed, and I giggled, hiding my face in his shoulder as I blushed. The arm that was still around my waist tightened.

“Get over here,” Leia commanded, and I let go of Ben. He, however, didn’t let go of me, catching my hand as I moved towards Leia and keeping it as we strolled closer. It seemed neither of us was in any hurry. Not now.

“Are you happy now, Mom?” Ben asked. His chair flew around the bed to land next to mine, and I turned to stare. Ben had never been so cavalier about using the Force before. At least, not around me. He just shrugged at me, smiling, and I had to smile back. He looked so… happy. And he was smiling at me.

_Magic._

“Very,” Leia replied, as if nothing had happened. “Sit. Both of you.” We sat. “Now. I know you both. Well, I know you, Ben.” She smiled at him, then looked at me. “I know you less, Reya, but Poe has been an… invaluable resource where you’re concerned.” Ben’s hand tightened on mine, and I squashed a frown. There was something going on there, and I should probably find out what it was. But that was a discussion for later. Much later. After Ben and I had kissed some more. Lots more. “You’ll try and talk yourselves out of this - out of each other. Don’t.” A shadow passed over Leia’s expression. “I did that - Han and I did that, and it was the wrong choice. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.”

“Make different ones?” I offered, wanting to lighten the mood. Ben had tensed next to me, and Leia was still looking somewhat haunted.

And then Leia grinned, and Ben’s grip on my hand relaxed. I wondered whether he’d even realised he’d been squeezing it. “I knew she was great, Ben. Do not screw this up, ok?”

“Hang on,” I protested, “That’s not fair. I could just as well screw this up as Ben.”

Leia’s grin just grew wider. “You’re just making my point for me. Take care of each other. Please.”

“We will,” Ben promised for us both.

“Now get lost. Go back to the party, or, you know,” her eyebrows wagged, “Don’t. Luke’s going to be here in the morning.”

Ben stood, and I stood with him. He still hadn’t let go of my hand, I realised, as we moved out of the conservatory, and I was very far from complaining.

“Goodbye Leia,” I said, almost out the door.

“Goodbye dear,” she called back. “Goodbye, son of mine.”

“Bye, Mom,” Ben said, pausing to give Leia a look somewhere between a glare and a smile. It ended up looking resigned. I smiled, and squeezed his hand. He looked at me, eyebrow quirked in question.

“Shall we?” I asked. He nodded, bringing my hand up to his lips and kissing it.

“Lead the way, my lady,” he said, so calm while my heart was racing, while I was still trying to process what had just happened - his lips on my knuckles, the _look_ in his eyes as he brought my hand up to his face. I shook myself. _Get a grip, Reya._

A little voice, the one that was still six years old and believed in fairy tales, princes, and princesses, was doing manic cartwheels. _But it’s so much fun!!! Weeeeeeeeee!!!_

 

::::::::::::::::::::::

Ben’s arm was warm around my waist as we entered the main corridor of the house. If we went one direction, we’d be headed to the staircase - to the upstairs and to privacy. If we went the other, we’d be back in the kitchen and the main living space - with people, in full view.

“Which way?” Ben asked, voice low in my ear. I didn’t have to suppress the shudder I felt at his breath, hot over the shell of my ear and the nape of my neck, so I shivered. “Are you cold?”

I shook my head, smiling. “A bit overwhelmed,” I admitted, one of my arms linking around his own middle as I looked up at him. “Not cold, though.”

“Do you want to go upstairs?” Ben asked solicitously. “To your room - I mean, alone, I don’t want you to think - unless you want-“ I put a hand over his mouth to stop his babbling, startling myself with the motion. Ben went motionless under my hand.

“It’s ok,” I told him, letting my hand drop, but only to the front of his robes. “I know what you meant.”

“So?”

I looked up at his expression, revelling in the fact that he was so close, but knowing I’d have a crick in my neck if I kept it up for too long - he was tall!

“Would you kill me if I said I wanted to go back to the party?” I asked, watching his expression. “I know, it’s not like me, but I’m in this dress, and I kind of want people to see me in it, and as we’re going to be awkward anyway, we might as well add the awkwardness of being with people, and am I even making sense?”

Ben dipped his head down and kissed me again. It started out soft and sweet, as if he’d just meant it to be a quick peck, but then one of my hands went into his hair, and he deepened the kiss, and then there was tongue, and then I was moving backwards, being pushed up against a wall, and I was very far from complaining, pulling Ben into me as he pushed me into the wall, and he moved his lips to my neck, and I pushed my head backwards, and -

“Ow.” I’d cracked my head against the stone wall.

“Reya?” Ben’s fingers were at the throbbing in my skull, testing, probing, but without dislodging my hair from its pins. Well, without dislodging it too much.

“Operator error,” I said, wanting to turn around and start slamming my forehead into the wall instead. I start to make out with Ben and then injure myself? Where was the justice?! “Sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Ben said. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine,” I said, meeting his fingers behind my skull as I poked and prodded too. “The only thing bruised is my pride.”

“Maybe we should go back to the party,” Ben admitted. “I suspect if we’re alone too long, I’m not going to be able to keep my hands off of you.”

I blushed scarlet.

“Only… Only if you want me to,” Ben said, hurriedly.

“Ben,” I protested, catching one of his hands and kissing it. “Believe me, I’m right there with you.” I blushed harder, but kept going. “I really like those robes.” _And I suspect I’d like you even better out of them._ I glanced at the doorway to the kitchen. “Let’s go find chaperones, huh.” I made a face, and Ben chuckled.

“Aye, Chief,” he said. “Lead the way.” This time I was the one who kept hold of his hand as we walked, although I felt the warmth of his other at the small of my back. _Looks like the prospect of people isn’t quite enough to keep your hands of me, huh, Solo?_ I snarked inwardly. _Not that I’m complaining._

_Not at all._


	53. Fifty Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff. Just fluff.

No one noticed us as we entered. The party had been going on long enough, and there was enough alcohol around that everyone was pretty sloshed.

“Drink?” Ben asked in my ear, and I nodded. He steered me to the bar, and I poured two tumblrs worth of a Yavvinian liquor I couldn’t name, but I knew I’d had before.

“To us,” I toasted, raising my glass and passing Ben his. Ben’s eyes lit as he smiled at me. I couldn’t remember him smiling so much. It was nice to see.

“To us,” he agreed, and we both drank, locking gazes.

“So that’s where you two got off to,” Poe carolled, and I half-twisted to see Poe approaching. It was one of the first times I’d ever wanted Poe to just go away. I had no idea how he’d react to us being together, to me and Ben being, well, _me and Ben_ , and I wanted to keep it secret. Keep it ours, just a little while longer.

“Dameron,” Ben said in his usual “I’m tolerating your presence” tone. I half-smiled, and Ben’s arm went around my waist as mine slipped around his.

“You haven’t swept her off somewhere yet?” Poe asked, coming closer, and I could see when it clicked, when he saw our arms around each other, when he realised, because he stopped, for an instant, rocking back minutely onto his heels, eyebrows going in the direction of his hairline. His mouth formed an ‘o’ for a minute, and I felt my fingers grabbing a fold of Ben’s robes as I waited for Poe’s reaction.

I shouldn’t have worried. Poe relaxed, a mile-wide grin stretching his face as he finished the journey to us.

“Congrats,” he said conversationally. “I take it it’s new?”

“Half an hour?” Ben shrugged.

“Something like that,” I agreed, and looked up to smile at Ben to find him already smiling down at me. A ball of happiness, spread from my gut to my chest, almost swamping me. _Is it possible to be this happy? Really?_

“You never get to give me shit about Tela again, you realise,” Poe said, breaking the moment.

“Yeah I do,” I retorted, still comfortably in the circle of Ben’s arm. Where I was very happy to stay, thank you very much. “Friends get to torment one another. That’s the rule.”

“So I get to tell you that you two are about as sweet as that chocolate desert thing that was floating around a few minutes ago?”

I made a face at Poe. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Dameron. Do you have any idea what he’s talking about, Ben?” I was enjoying myself. Bantering with Poe, Ben next to me, Ben _loving_ me. It didn’t get much better than this.

“No idea whatsoever,” Ben said, playing along. I glanced up at him and he was still smiling. This was definitely the most I’d ever seen him smile. _It’s nice._

“Reya?” I felt a hand touch my bare shoulder, and I turned.

“Rey!” I was pulled away from Ben and into a hug, into another pair of Jedi robes.

“Still not old?”

“Still not old,” I agreed, releasing her so we were at arm’s length.

“Wow, Reya,” Rey said. “You look amazing.”

I looked down at the blue and green. “Thanks - it was Leia’s. She insisted…”

“Really, you look great. Doesn’t she look great, Finn?” Rey asked, glancing over at her ever-present partner.

Finn looked over, and his mouth dropped.

“Hey, Finn,” I said, feeling awkward. Where was Ben? I glanced around, finding him a few yards away, talking to Poe. As if he’d sensed my gaze - and who knows, he might have done - he looked up and gave me a smile. I smiled back - at this point, it was reflex.

“Anyone you want introducing to, in an outfit like that?” Rey was asking as I returned my attention to her and Finn.

“I’m good,” I said, still smiling. “I know everyone I want to know.”

“What does that mean?” she asked, eyes narrowing.

Finn got it almost immediately, though. “Who did you pull her away from, honey?”

“Ben - oh!” Rey’s eyes widened. _Well, it’s not quite like meeting the family, but it’s close… Hope she likes me._ “You, and Ben?”

I nodded. “Me and Ben.” I couldn’t help the small, silly smile that came every time I thought about it. _Me and Ben._ Who cared if it was ridiculous. I was allowed to be ridiculous, every now and again.

And Rey was hugging me again. “Congrats!” she whispered in my ear. “And remind me to give him the shovel talk later.”

“No need,” I replied as she released me. “Really. I’m sure he does that well enough on his own.”

Rey frowned. “Is he still doing the ‘I’m Responsible For Everything Bad Including the Heat Death of the Universe’ thing?”

“Yup.” Rey elbowed me.

“I guess you have a cure for that, now, don’t you?” I remembered Ben’s lips on mine, and heat flooded my face before sinking into my stomach.

“Guess so,” I replied.

“Go on,” Rey said, shoving me towards Ben. I half-stumbled - I’d been staring at Ben again, watching his hands move as he talked with Poe. And why all of a sudden should his _hands_ be attractive?

I glared at Rey, who shooed me away. “Have fun,” she mouthed, pulling Finn with her, who grinned and gave me a wave of his own.

“So much for chaperones,” I grumbled.

Ben looked up as I ventured over and stood next to him, unsure. Could I just sneak one arm around his waist? Should I just enter the conversation like I would have done yesterday?

A hand was on my shoulder, and I looked up into Ben’s face.

“Hi,” he said, softly, and although I shouldn’t have been able to hear it over the miscellaneous party noise, I could, clear as day.

“Hi,” I said back.

“Rey and Finn all right?” he asked, not moving his hand from my shoulder, but not drawing me closer either. _Is he as nervous as I am?_ I glanced at Poe, then at Ben again. _Yeah,_ I decided. _He probably is._

“Fine,” I said, grabbing what remained of my courage for the day and stepping closer into Ben, putting my arm around his middle. I felt him tense, then his arm went over my shoulder as he relaxed, pulling me close. I tried to hide my relieved smile. “Rey wants to give you a shovel talk.”

“Does she now?” Ben said. His face darkened.

“None of that, now,” I said, before the self-flagellation could begin.

“Ok, and I’ve hit my threshold for cuteness,” Poe said. “Seriously. Any more time around you, and I’ll become prematurely diabetic. And then I couldn’t eat Tela’s baking. Which would be tragic - you know it would.” Holding up his hands, Poe retreated back into the crowd with a chuckle, and we were alone again.

I glanced up at Ben, who was wearing a wry grin.

“So much for finding chaperones,” he commented.

“Seems like we’ll have to spend some time alone together after all,” I replied.

“Upstairs?” Ben was whispering in my ear now, his voice lower by a register or two.

“Upstairs,” I agreed, and we skirted the crowds as we half-scampered our way out of the kitchen, into the hallway, and up the staircase.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's a bit short, but I figured a short chapter today was better than no chapter. Also, the drama continues tomorrow, so fasten your seatbelts!


	54. Fifty Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now with Added Fluff (TM)

I awoke gradually, the way I did most mornings, letting my awareness seep in slowly, instead of all at once.

I was warm. Sunlight was pouring into my room and onto my bed, and I snuggled into his shoulder to try and get away from - _his shoulder?_

My heart started to pound as last night started flooding back. Half-dragging, half-racing Ben up the staircase, trying not to step on the hem of my dress, pulling the door of my room closed behind me. Divesting Ben of his Jedi robes, one layer at a time, his hands, gently pulling down the zipper of my own dress. Kisses, caresses, falling asleep in a jumble of limbs on my bed…

I started to identify body parts. I was lying with my head on Ben’s chest, with his arm around me, pressed against his side, his legs tangled with mine. As my heart rate slowed, I tilted my head carefully, cautiously, and cracked open my eyes.

Ben was awake, and staring back at me, and I recognised his expression - guarded, one step removed. He was worried I was going to tell him it was a mistake. I pressed a kiss to his chest, then smiled up at him.

“Morning,” I said, voice scratchy as it normally was.

Ben smiled, and pulled my face up the few inches so he could kiss me. It was a soft thing, close-mouthed and chaste, but I was still very glad to be lying down - my legs would definitely have gone rubbery. As it was, I felt warm all over as I returned the kiss, my fingers skimming up and down his torso, losing myself in sensation.

“Good morning,” Ben said when we finally broke the kiss, manoeuvring us so we were lying on our sides, facing each other. He kept one hand on my waist, tracing invisible patterns with his thumb.

“I like this,” he said abruptly.

“What?” We were still speaking softly, almost murmuring, as if speaking any louder would break the bubble we’d created around us.

“Waking up with you,” he said simply, and I had to kiss him again.

“We should get up,” I said, the next time I had a spare thought in my head. Ben was stroking the line of my shoulder, following it up with his lips.

“Really?” he asked absently.

“I don’t want to,” I admitted, twirling a lock of his hair gently between two fingers. “But we should. Get up. Say hi to everyone.”

Ben’s lips paused before moving on to the next spot.

I sighed. “Perhaps we should have waited after all,” I said. “Then we could have spent several days in bed. Instead of several hours.”

Ben retreated. His arms, his body weight, everything vanished in an instant as I finished talking. I froze, feeing suddenly freezing as his body heat disappeared. “Ben?” I rolled to face him, where he was sitting at the edge of the bed. _What did I do? What did I say?_

He turned his head as I crawled over, moving to sit next to him, wanting to touch him, to put a hand on his back to comfort him, but not quite daring.

“You regret this?” he asked.

“Never,” I replied. “Not for a minute.” I took his nearest hand in both of mine. “I love you, Ben Solo.” His breathing hitched, and his fingers tightened on mine as I kissed his knuckles. “Sure, the timing could have been better - sometime where we could get wrapped up in each other instead of having responsibilities - but if you think I’m stupid enough to regret being this happy, well…”

Ben pulled me close, putting his forehead to mine.

“I love you, Reya Trno.” I smiled, feeling my forehead against his move as my expression changed. “I don’t deserve it - don’t deserve you, but if … if you want me too, I’m selfish enough to want to keep you.”

“Then keep me,” I said, feeling warm all over. Perhaps I could get past Ben’s knee-jerk self-sacrifice after all.

“Aye, Chief,” Ben said, wrapping his arms around me and burying his face in my hair. I giggled. It was a release valve - my emotions, they were getting to be too much, there was too much going on in my brain, in my heart, foreign chemicals flooding my system. _Too much oxytocin,_ I thought, not bothering to hide my grin.

I had no idea how long we sat there, at the edge of my bed, holding on to each other. Until Ben’s stomach rumbled. I patted his back, then pushed away slightly.

“Guess that means it’s time for breakfast,” I said with a sigh. _Time to go back to the real world._

“You’re hungry?” Ben asked, seeming as unwilling to leave our bubble as I was.

“You are,” I said, poking him. “Come on, let’s eat.” I looked at Ben, gloriously bare-chested, and realised I was down to my underthings myself. “Ok. Let’s change, then eat.”

“Why?” Ben’s expression was as mischievous as I’d ever seen it. “I think you look completely breakfast appropriate.”

“Well, you may be ok with everyone seeing me in my skivvies,” I said, blushing. “But I’m not.” I arched my brow. “And I’m not sure I’m ok with everyone seeing all of _that_.” I ran my hand down Ben’s middle, over the scars which seemed to make every touch more sensitive, and Ben hissed, pulling me close again.

“No need to make everyone jealous,” I whispered in Ben’s ear, meaning the comment, but also wanting to forestall any self-loathing on Ben’s part. I knew he didn’t like his scars.

“Agreed,” Ben said, nipping my neck as he stood. I yelped, covering the almost-hickey with a hand as I stared up at him.

And kept staring at him. Ben Solo, standing up from having spent the night in my bed, wrapped around me. Who was looking at me like I was something infinitely precious.

“I don’t want to leave,” he admitted finally.

“I don’t want you to either,” I sighed, shaking my head. I stood. “But we’re being a bit ridiculous.” I put a hand on Ben’s shoulder. “Look. Go and wash and change, and I’ll meet you at my door when you’re done?” I was mentally cataloguing the time I’d need to make myself presentable, the bare minimum. _Five minutes. Maybe seven._

“As my lady commands,” Ben said, taking the hand that had been on his shoulder and kissing it. “I’ll see you soon?” He looked about as willing to leave as I was willing for him to go.

“Five minutes,” I said, having to smile at our antics. “Give me five minutes.”

“Five minutes,” Ben agreed, then turned on a heel, stooping to pick up the rest of his robes as he went. At the door he turned, finding me still standing where he’d left me.

“Scoot,” I told him, waving a hand with a smile.

“I love you,” he said, and I almost dragged him back into bed. _No, Reya. Food. Remember food._

_But Ben! Shirtless Ben!_

_Food._

“I love you too,” I said, and Ben smiled, pulling the door open and vanishing through it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so no smut. No overt smut, anyway. I did consider it, but it didn't feel right - Ben and Reya weren't just going to jump into bed that way. Not when they'd spent this long nobly pining. Still, I think what I ended up writing is pretty fluffy, and I hope you guys like it!


	55. Fifty Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More fluff. With a side of angst... (You knew it was coming)

I was at my doorway in three minutes, having changed even more quickly than when we were under alert during the War, skinning into leggings and a flowing shirt, barely splashing water on my face, brushing my teeth.

And even so, when I opened my door, three minutes later, Ben was waiting, a smile on his face.

“Hello,” he said.

“Hi, stranger,” I said, looking him over. He was wearing what I’d come to see as his D’Qar uniform. Grey long-sleeved shirts in fine fabric, in deference to the heat and humidity, darker grey uniform trousers. His hair was damp, as if he’d stuck it under a faucet briefly. I wanted to muss it, but suppressed the urge. We were supposed to be trying to get food. Not ending up in bed. Again.

I looked at Ben, who was looking down at me. Well, more precisely, down my shirt. I realised, as I followed his gaze, that I’d picked one of my lower-cut tanks without noticing, one I’d usually have worn with something else underneath. _Oh well._

Ben’s head raised, and I could see the beginnings of a blush as he realised he’d been caught. I poked him in the ribs.

“Nice to know the goods are in order,” I teased.

“They…” Ben swallowed, tried again. “They certainly are.” He seemed to shake himself, then offered an arm. “May I escort you down to breakfast, my lady?”

“La, sir, no lady I,” I said, taking his arm anyway.

“Ah, but you’re _my_ lady,” Ben said, looking over at me. “That is, if you want to be.”

I was careful to keep my sigh firmly on the inside. _No self-confidence, this one._ “I would like that very much,” I said instead, veering closer to Ben as we reached the top of the stairs. From here I could hear voices - it made sense. We were late to breakfast by a few hours, so everyone was probably up.

It had been too much to hope that they would be out somewhere, right?

Ben paused before we entered the kitchen’s line of sight.

“It’s not too late to retreat upstairs again,” he said, and I knew he was only half-joking.

I sighed and squared my shoulders. “As much as I’d like nothing more, we can’t exactly let you starve,” I said. “And we’d have to face them sooner or later.”

“I’d prefer later,” Ben murmured in my ear, moving forward into the kitchen.

I had to giggle at that, inadvertently announcing our arrival to Poe, Rey, and Finn, who had been at the kitchen island, heads together. As one, they looked up, grins forming as they spotted us.

“Caf?” Ben asked, letting me go and hurrying over to the machine in an obvious bid to look busy.

“Please,” I replied. _It’s fine. I’ll handle them first._ “Eggs?”

“You don’t…” Ben started, then saw my expression. He half-smiled. “Yes. Please. That would be great.”

“Coming right up,” I replied, moving to the fridge. “I hope scrambled is ok, because that’s what you’re getting.”

“Anything’s better than the slop we had the last day of our journey,” Ben said, and I was very aware of our audience, watching, but not saying anything yet. I shot them a look, and, sure enough, they were watching us, heads moving as we spoke. _If only I could take a video of exactly how vapid they look right now._

I chuckled, remembering. “That was gross. I may not be the world’s best cook, but I can do better than that.” I surveyed the silent trio. “Do you want anything, or have you eaten already?”

“Um… nope… I’m good, we’re good,” Rey said, for once lost for words. _That doesn’t happen often._

“Speak for yourself,” Finn objected good-naturedly. “I could go for some eggs. Poe?”

“I’m with Rey,” Poe said, patting his stomach. “You may still have the metabolism of a teenager, but some of us have to watch our figures.”

“Tela would still like you with a belly,” I retorted, grinning. It was fun to poke Poe. “So more eggs for Finn. Got it.” I grabbed the entire box out - Finn ate for at least two people, and Ben wasn’t far behind. “Also. Good morning, you three. Sleep well?” I regretted the question as it slipped from my mouth, but hoped no one caught my reflexive flinch.

“Morning,” Poe said, “Yeah. I slept well. Did you?” I felt myself blush. Of course Poe would tease me. I suppose I had it coming, all the needling I’d done about Tela.

“I slept fine,” I said simply.

“And you, Solo?” Poe asked, leaning so he could see around me to Ben’s back. Well, what I assumed was Ben’s back. Then there was a touch on my shoulder and a hand put my cup of caf on the counter next to me.

“I slept fine, Dameron,” Ben replied, not moving his hand from my shoulder. “The best I’ve slept in quite some time, in fact.” I felt the brush of his lips on my hair as he kissed my head. “Need any help?”

“Not unless you want to put toast on,” I said.

“Will do,” and he removed his hand, moving away from me to, I assumed, get the bread and the toaster.

“Ok, you two are ridiculous,” Rey burst out. I raised my eyebrows at her, playing completely calm as I took my first sip of caf. _Bliss._ “You waltz in here, all loved up, and act like nothing happened, although we know it totally did? What’s up with that?”

“All loved up?” I put down the cup of caf and started cracking eggs. “Where did you hear that?”

“And you’re the queen of avoiding the question,” Rey accused. “And Leia wouldn’t tell us anything last night either.”

“I knew I liked her,” I put in.

Rey groaned into her own cup. “Fine. Be that way.”

“So,” Finn asked after a minute. “What did happen last night?”

I glanced over my shoulder at Ben, who shrugged at me. The message was clear. _You tell them. I’m fine with whatever._

“We…” I started, then decided to start scrambling the eggs as I talked. The constant motion would keep the nerves at bay. I hoped. “Well, nothing happened. Not the way you mean.”

“We know he spent the night in your room,” Rey said as the eggs hit the buttered pan.

“He did,” I agreed, starting to stir. “And we slept.”

“And?”

“And nothing,” I said. “Do you really want to know all the intimate details?”

“Yes!” That was Rey

“Not really.” Finn put in.

“Never felt the need.” Poe said with a smile.

I felt like smacking them all. “Ben and I - we’re together, ok? And what we end up doing about that is kind of our business.” I kept moving the spatula through the eggs.

“Sounds good, kiddo.” I didn’t have to look up to know that was Poe.

“Got it,” Finn said.

“Sure,” Rey replied, and I glanced up to meet her gaze. “No, really,” she said. “We just… want you two to be happy. Really. You’ve been sad too long.”

“I haven’t asked yet,” Ben said, putting fresh toast down on the counter. “How’s Mom?”

“She’s fine,” Finn hedged, “Nothing too out of the ordinary. The nurse thinks the party last night might have been a bit much for her, but try telling Leia that…”

Ben sighed. “I tried.” I smoothed my free hand over Ben’s shoulder, briefly, before returning it to the pan.

“Luke.” My head shot up at Ben’s voice, staring at him. He wasn’t looking at me. Or at the others. Instead, his head was pointing at the entrance to the house.

“Luke?” I asked, and Ben looked at me.

“He’s here - at the door.” Rey scurried off with a happy shout, Finn and Poe following at a more careful pace. Which left Ben and I in the kitchen.

“Are… are you all right?” I asked. Some of the weight had returned to Ben’s shoulders, making them slump slightly.

“I just…” he said, staring off into space. “I have the feeling Mom was holding on so she could see Luke again. And now he’s here…” he trailed off. All cheer was absent from his expression now, replaced by worry and sadness.

I turned the heat off the eggs, then put my arms around Ben. “Whatever comes - I’m here.” I had no idea if it would help, but it was all I could say.

Ben sighed explosively, and turned within my arms so he could wrap his own around me. “I know,” he said into my hair. “I know you are. And thank you.”

“No need to thank me,” I said, a small smile forming in spite of everything. “Happy to help.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You are all amazing - thank you so much for all the kudos and the comments - they make my day!! 
> 
> Also, warning to brace for impact - the next chapters aren't going to be as fluffy as the last two.


	56. Fifty Six

I’d salvaged the eggs by the time the others made it back into the kitchen, scraping the last of them onto my plate.

Poe came first, followed closely by Finn, and then, Rey, who was arm in arm with him. Luke Skywalker. Jedi Master, strong with the Force. Instrumental in destroying not one, but two Dark Lords of the Sith. Luke Skywalker, who in that moment, looked like nothing more than an old, tired man in some loose robes.

Then his eyes met mine, and I discarded the old man comment. Luke was tired, true, the lines around his eyes proved that one, but he was just as sharp as ever, and I felt myself straightening under his gaze. Then he shifted those ice-blue eyes over to Ben, who’d set down his fork as Poe had entered and stood. I glanced over at him.

He held Luke’s gaze, as I had, expression stony.

“Hello, nephew,” Luke said, after long moments of silence. “It’s good to see you. Even though the circumstances leave something to be desired.”

“Hello, uncle,” Ben replied stiffly, voice rasping. I felt like I should do something, move closer, but I wasn’t sure what would be welcome.

“And you, my dear, must be Reya Trno - although you’ve certainly grown up quite a lot since I last saw you,” Luke came forward, and I remembered the last time I’d seen him, a flash of a man in robes, in the middle of a battle, just an instant of eye contact, a nod, then away.

“Hello, Master Skywalker,” I said formally.

“No need for formality, dear,” he said, face creasing into a smile. “Please. Call me Luke. Everyone else does.” He extended his hand across the island, and I took it hesitantly. His grip was firm, but not overly so. Not that the man had anything to prove to anyone, anymore.

“All right, Luke,” I agreed, smiling faintly.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t get here earlier,” Luke said. It could have been directed to the room at large, but I had the feeling that the comment had been directed at Ben.

He obviously agreed, because he shook his head. “You came as fast as you could.” He glanced at me. “Not everyone has a pilot on call.”

I had to grin in reply, even though the expression vanished as quickly as it came. Things were still too tense, even though everyone was being cordial.

“So, uncle,” Ben said. “Would you like to see Mom?”

Luke sighed, and sagged just a little bit. “Please,” he said. “Lead the way.”

Ben took a last bite of eggs off the plate - they were only half-finished - and moved around the island towards the door before looking at me. I just smiled and waved him off. _What else can I do? Luke’s here, and he wants to see Leia. They should have their family time. While they still can._

With a glance at the rest of us, Luke followed, robes billowing as he exited.

 

:::::::::

 _Go see if they want anything to eat, Reya,_ I thought, repeating Rey’s words as I walked to the conservatory. _I’m sure they haven’t eaten anything, and we can’t have them passing out._

_Sure, Rey. Go and bother the Skywalker Family Reunion. Easy for you to say. You’re practically a Skywalker yourself._

I was at the entrance to the conservatory, and I paused, taking a breath.

“Come on in, Reya,” Luke’s voice called, and I jumped. _I’m out of sight! There’s no way he can see me - oh. Of course. Force user._

I stuck my head around the door. Luke was sitting at Leia’s bedside, Ben standing closer to the windows, although he was coming over. “We were just wondering if you were hungry?” my nerves made it into a question, although I couldn’t quite figure out why I was nervous. I liked Leia, I loved Ben. I respected Master Luke. “Or if you wanted something to drink?”

“Come in so I can see you properly,” Leia said, and I had to smile as I obeyed.

“Good morning, Leia,” I greeted, walking to her bedside and taking her offered hand. “How are you, this morning?”

“Not as good as you,” she offered with a smile, although I could see what Ben had seen - the deterioration - the way she could only hold a smile for so long before it vanished into a blank expression that was hiding something else, the way her grip was less strong than yesterday, or the day before. Something moved to stand behind me, and I knew without looking that it was Ben.

“So you did that?” Luke asked, raising his eyebrows at his sister before looking up at us.

“They were hardly unwilling,” Leia protested. “They just needed a push. Ben doesn’t think he deserves nice things, and Reya was going to play martyr because she didn’t want to disturb Ben while I was dying.”

“Mom!” Ben protested, at the same time that Luke burst out

“Leia!”

“Oh hush, you two.” She shook her head, starting to breathe hard. “We all know I don’t have long left.” Leia turned her gaze on me. “You aren’t denying it, are you, my dear?”

I stopped for an instant. Then. “I’d love to be able to,” I said softly. “I’m sorry, Leia.”

She shook her head again. “It’s quite all right, young lady. I’m not blaming you for something that happened years ago. And I’m not blaming you either, son of mine,” she said sharply, turning her attention to Ben. I moved aside, letting Ben take the hand I’d been holding on to, moving back a few paces.

“You stay where you are, Reya,” Leia said. “You’re part of this family now too.” Tears burst to my eyes so suddenly it was all I could do to stop them from spilling. I nodded, leaning some of my weight on the edge of the med-bed.

“Now. As for you,” Leia said, returning her attention to Ben. “My death is not your fault.” I could feel Ben wanting to protest, but he said nothing. “You have to stop this, love,” she continued, as implacable as the deep ocean currents. “Stop blaming yourself for all of the ills of the universe. Not everything is your fault. In fact, only a small handful of the bad things that happened in the War were your fault.” Ben’s shoulders were shaking, and I could tell without even seeing his face that he’d be crying.

 _Screw it._ I moved the two steps separating us and put a hand on his shoulder. He looked up at me, and, sure enough, tears were sliding down his face. I put his arm around me, the one that wasn’t holding Leia’s hand, and wrapped my arms around his middle, then looked at Leia, who was looking at us both with a small smile.

“Carry on,” I said softly. Somehow, I knew it was important that Leia get a chance to tell Ben this, tell him _now._

“That’s the other reason you need to stop gathering the faults of the universe,” she continued, nodding at me. “Look at that girl.” Ben turned his head to look down at me, arm tightening around my waist. “She loves you, Ben. And you deserve that love. Even if you don’t believe it, don’t push her away. Don’t think she’d be happier with anyone else. She doesn’t think so.”

Leia took a breath. “Whether or not you believe it, I have always loved you, Ben.” Ben’s breath hitched, but he continued to listen silently. “You are my son, and I love you.” Leia’s breath was getting uneven as well, but whether it was from stress or from emotion, I couldn’t tell anymore. “And you weren’t responsible for Han’s death.” Ben’s knees buckled for a second, and I almost staggered, suddenly responsible for his weight before he caught himself.

“What?” the word left his lips at barely more than a whisper.

“He told me, what he was going to do,” Leia said. “If things came to the worse, if he found himself trapped. He was too old to get captured again, he told me.” She gave a wry smile. “I thought he was lying - he was never ‘too old’ for anything. But it was his way of getting through to you, I think. He loved you, very much.”

“So it’s not your fault he died,” Leia said softly. I realised, looking at her through blurry eyes, that I was crying as well, tears streaming down my cheeks as I listened. Because I knew Leia was going. She wouldn’t say this, not in this way, if she didn’t think she was going to go, soon, to leave us.

“Mom,” Ben breathed, and he was letting go of me, dropping to his knees to put his arms around her, as far as he could reach. My hands flew to my mouth as I tried not to cry. Well, cry too loudly. Tears were still running down my face, and I wiped them away as they appeared.

_This is… too much. I should go. I should run away to Betsy, do some engineering work until it all just… But I can’t leave. Won’t leave. How could I leave?_

So I stood there, watching Ben cry onto his mother’s shoulder, with Luke, sitting next to them, holding Leia’s other hand, tears running unfettered down his own cheeks.

“I love you,” Ben said, one of the murmurs I could actually understand - most of what he’d been saying had been too low for me to hear.

Leia mumbled something in return.

Then the worst happened.

Luke stood, suddenly, and his entire face changed. Every expression dropped from his face. My heart was in my throat, wondering what it could mean, what had just -

“Mom?” Ben’s voice broke the sudden stillness. One word, a question, a boy seeking comfort from his - “Mom?” My heart stopped. _Oh. God._ “Mom?” Ben was hovering above his mother’s face now, and I caught a glimpse. Leia’s eyes were closed, her expression calm. “No, mom. Please. Mom. Wake up!”

_No._

I wobbled, throwing out a hand to the edge of the med-bed for support.

Luke put a hand on Ben’s shoulder, and Ben froze, turning slowly to look up at his uncle.

“She’s gone,” Luke said, voice almost unemotional.

“No!” Ben reared up from the bed, eyes clinging to Leia’s face, backing up, falling over a chair and crashing to the floor. Voices were coming closer, and I glanced at the doorway. Poe, Finn, and Rey were there, faces ashen.

But then I had no more time for them.

“No,” Ben murmured, now sitting next to the chair he’d fallen over, still looking at the med-bed. “No.”

And I was in motion, moving slowly over to Ben’s side, taking his hand. He looked up at me.

“Reya?” I could tell he was asking me to tell him it wasn’t true, that his mom wasn’t dead. But I couldn’t.

“I’m so sorry,” I said. It was all I could manage before my own face crumbled, before I had to start crying. Ben folded his arms around me as I pulled him closer, and I could feel his shoulders shaking as well, both of us crying so hard I couldn’t tell where his sobs ended and mine began.

Around us, voices spoke. Finn’s, maybe. Poe’s, possibly. But it didn’t matter, not to Ben and I, sitting on the floor, crying onto each others shoulders.

Leia was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.


	57. Fifty Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The immediate aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your comments - RIP Leia.   
> Now to the even harder part - how do they cope?  
>  I hope you like it!

Leia was gone.

She was gone.

Leia Organa was gone from this world, and we remained. It seemed so _impossible._ Like she was a fact of life, an immortal - she couldn’t die - it couldn’t happen.

And yet.

And yet here I was, in her conservatory, sobbing my heart out onto her son’s shoulder while her body - her _corpse_ \- was lying on her med-bed. It was almost funny, the ridiculousness of it all. I hiccuped a final sob - I was pretty much cried out, and pulled my hand from Ben’s shoulder so I could wipe my eyes.

“Reya?” I looked up, eyes still a little blurry, and found Rey half-bent above me, eyes similarly wet.

“Yeah?” I didn’t think Ben had even noticed Rey had come up. He was still wrapped around me, head buried in my shoulder, his own shoulders hitching every now and again.

“We… Do you need anything?” she asked. She looked around, then back at me. “I… don’t know what to do.” Suddenly, Rey looked very young. I started to shake my head, then stopped.

“Actually, would you mind getting us water?” I asked. “I know I’m always head-achey when I stop crying.” I smiled wanly. “I guess the world just keeps spinning, huh?”

Rey’s eyes were over-bright as she nodded, then turned on a heel and scurried out the door. I surveyed the room as she exited. We’d been left alone. Luke was still with Leia, staring stone faced at some point in the middle distance, but Finn and Poe had vanished.

“Reya.” I looked back at Luke to find his blue eyes fixed on me.

“Yes, Master Luke?” I asked.

He just looked at me, for a moment, and I felt like he was judging me, weighing me.

“You will help Ben? With the funeral arrangements?”

I’d thought I was cried out. I really really had. I wasn’t expecting the prickling of tears, the way my vision went swimming until I blinked rapidly to clear it.

“I’ll help in any way I can,” I said. Luke stood. “But, Master Luke-“ I said, and he turned.

“You’ll be here too, right?” I asked, hopefully. Luke wouldn’t just leave, right?

Luke nodded once. “I will. But I need to leave soon. And Ben will need someone.”

I wanted to yell at Luke - if he was that worried about Ben, about his nephew, then maybe he could extend his stay a little bit as well, and not pawn off the task on someone else. Instead, I just nodded as well. “I’m here for him. As long as he wants me.”

“Good.” That came from Ben, not from Luke, and suddenly I had more important things to deal with than a nomadic Jedi Master. His head lifted, slowly, tilting so I could see his face.

He looked awful. Not that I expected anything different. His eyes were red-rimmed, and there wasn’t a scrap of anything but sadness in his expression.

“Reya?” I glanced up, and Ben did as well.

“Ow.” I rubbed my skull from where it had knocked against Ben’s. Ben’s hand covered mine.

“Are you all right?” he asked, sounding worried. “Reya?”

“I’m fine,” I told him, moving both our hands away from my head, clasping his fingers in mine.

“I have the water,” Rey said, depositing two glasses on the ground next to us.

“Thank you,” I told her. She shook her head.

“Don’t mention it,” she said, and glanced at the med-bed, as if she couldn’t help herself.

“I need to leave,” Ben muttered, and stood abruptly. I was left lurching backwards, staring up, up, at Ben, barely able to see his face. “I’ll be in my room,” he said, and was gone before I had a chance to call after him.

 

_What do I do now?_

Rey was looking at Leia like she couldn’t do anything else. Luke had scarpered, and Ben - had fled the room like a bat out of hell. I looked down to the two glasses of water lying on the floor.

 _First step. Drink your water._ I reached over and drained one glass, spilling some down my chin in my haste. I wiped it away with the back of my hand as I considered.

_Should I go after Ben?_

_What if he doesn’t want to see me?_

_What if he doesn’t want to see me, but I need to go see him anyway?_

_Leia? What do I do?_

I was standing - when had I stood up? As if someone else was controlling my body, I went to stand next to Rey. To look at Leia.

I hadn’t seen her properly since she… died. Leia was dead.

Her expression was calm, face growing paler as the blood began to drain from her face. Both her hands were dangling from either side of the bed, where Luke and Ben had been holding them. It didn’t seem… right. And neither of the Skywalker men were in any shape to deal with any of the logistics.

 _Well, I can’t leave her in the lurch. Or them._ And if a tiny voice in my head said that looking after the mundane details would be a good avoidance technique, I didn’t pay it much mind. So I leaned over Leia, and carefully, gently picked up one of her arms, then the other, lying them neatly on top of each other on her middle.

Rey breathed in, sharply, as I moved Leia, and I finished arranging Leia before I stood upright once more. By that time, Rey had composed herself again.

“That…” she began, then wiped her eyes. “I couldn’t have done that,” she said.

I put a hand on her shoulder. “It’s fine,” I told her. “We each grieve differently.” _I grieve by pushing away emotions for eight years until I’m ready to deal with them,_ I thought wryly. “Stay as long as you want. I’ll deal with the details. And start making calls.” We were all peripherally aware of what Leia wanted, what the procedure was going to be, for when Leia was gone.

And now she was.

Leia was dead.

My eyes burned again as I bent to retrieve Ben’s water glass. _Just put one foot in front of the other._ I turned to look at Leia one last time before retreating out of the conservatory, head held high.

_It’s what Leia would have wanted._


	58. Fifty Eight

“Hello, Admiral?” I said as the call connected. My throat felt raw from holding back tears - every time I spread the news, I wanted to weep again. But I was getting through the list.

“Yes, hello?” came the voice at the other end of the line.

“This is Chief Reya Trno - I’m calling with news of General Organa?” I had it pat by now. Give them a chance to catch themselves, put themselves in a chair. No one had been too surprised - we’d all known it was coming. But it was a nasty shock anyway.

“Of course.” I could hear the rustling of cloth. “Please. Proceed.”

“I’m sorry to have to inform you of this, Admiral, but the General passed away today. About half an hour again.” And there it was, the lump in my throat that didn’t seem to want to go away.

A sigh. Silence. I continued speaking. “We’ll be letting people know about arrangements for the funeral as details were settled, but you were on the list of people the General wanted informed right away. I’m very sorry for your loss.”

“Thank you,” Admiral Ackbar said, sounding very old, and very tired. “How many more calls do you have to make?”

I looked down at my list. “Five more.”

“You will let me know about the funeral?”

“Of course.” I nodded, even though he couldn’t see me. “We’ll let you know.”

“Thank you. May the Force be with you. And with her.”

“May the Force be with you.” I disconnected the call, putting a hand on the cool stone of the kitchen island to steady me as I closed my eyes.

 _Don’t cry, Reya. Five more calls. You can get through five more calls. Besides, if you start crying, who knows when you’ll stop._ At that, I sobbed once, convulsively, stifling the sound with a hand over my mouth.

“Reya?” I looked up, blinking to clear my eyes of more unshed tears. Ben was standing in the doorway. He looked… better. His eyes were still red-rimmed, face still drawn, but he looked less like he’d run away at any second.

I smiled at him - the world’s smallest smile, but it was all I had to give - and waved. I was pretty certain if I spoke, I’d just end up crying.

“Are you making the calls?” he asked, coming over to look at the tab I had open. “You didn’t…”

“I know,” I said hurriedly. “But someone had to. And it kept me busy - I’m almost done -“ Ben’s hands hovered above my head, pulling the headset off. I was shaking, almost shivering with the effort of holding myself together. _You can do it. Just be strong. Five more calls. They need you._

And then Ben’s eyes finally found mine, and I lost it. I sobbed, drawing in on myself, and Ben pulled me into him, letting me cry onto his shoulder. I’d thought I’d run out of tears already, but I should have known better. They flooded out from behind my eyes, as if every time I’d tried to suppress them in the past hour had just added them to the sum total.

Ben let me cry for a few minutes, fingers curling into the material of his shirt as I sobbed, before he began speaking. “We don’t deserve you, you know,” he said, conversationally. I was still too involved in the crying to smack him, although I would have done, in other circumstances. “Luke and I. Neither of us would have thought of doing this. Not today. Although it needs to be done. Today.” His breathing changed for an instant, stuttering before it evened out again. “Someone needs to tell them about Mom.” He stopped, holding me tighter. “And I get back downstairs, and Rey tells me you’re already doing it. That there’s nothing to worry about.” He kissed my head.

“I’m sorry, for abandoning you like that.”

“’S fine,” I muttered, knowing he’d hear me.

“It wasn’t,” he continued, starting to stroke up and down my back as my crying slowed. “I left you there.”

“We all…” I started, then stopped. I couldn’t say it that way. “We’re all different. It’s fine.”

“And you cope by not coping.” Ben said, half-chuckling. “And I run away.”

“You’re here now,” I said. And he was. I hadn’t expected him to emerge for the rest of the day - had been, if not happy, then resigned to simply waiting him out.

“You’re here,” he said, then looked up. “Dameron?” I pulled my head from Ben’s shoulder to find Poe standing in the kitchen. A blurry Poe, true, but Poe. I relaxed my fingers from Ben’s shoulders slowly, almost wincing when I noticed how tightly I’d been holding on to him - I might have left bruises, and his shirt was definitely going to be wrinkled.

“Solo,” Poe said, and I wiped my eyes with my now-free hands to look at Poe more closely. He sounded off. “Reya.”

Poe looked awful. He looked like someone had taken his world and just turned it on his ear. And, based on how close he and Leia had been, it might just have been.

“Hey, Poe,” I said, still standing in the circle of Ben’s arms, still between him and the island, the headset lying abandoned a few feet away. I extended a hand. “Get your butt over here.”

Ben shifted uncomfortably, but Poe just walked over as if in a trance. I moved away from Ben, putting my arms around Poe.

“I’m sorry, bud,” I said, giving him a squeeze. “She was great.”

“She -“ Poe’s voice broke. “She really was, wasn’t she?”

“I wanna grow up to be just like her,” I half-joked. But honestly, if I were being serious, I could do worse. Much worse.

I turned my head as much as I could.

“Ben, wanna get in on this?”

“What?” Ben had been looking at the list on the tablet, scrolling down the names.

“Get over here,” I said, unlatching one arm from around Poe’s neck to stretch and grab a bit of Ben’s sleeve. He came willingly enough, slinging an arm around my waist, and, as he came closer, around Poe’s neck.

“I’m … Solo, I’m sorry,” Poe said.

I felt Ben swallow. “I’m sorry too, Dameron.”

I felt my heart lift, just a little bit, as I stood there, intertwined with Poe and Ben. At least, if nothing else, this remained the same. Poe was there. Ben would be there. Was there, for me. If nothing else, Leia had given me that.

_Thank you, Leia._


	59. Fifty Nine

The grumbling of my stomach reminded me I’d skipped lunch. And had barely had breakfast. I looked up from the papers I was going over. Ben was next to me on the sofa, reading something the doctors had given him. Luke was in a chair, staring out into the distance. Luke and Finn were across the room, going over something or other. Poe was talking to someone or other - he had his headset on. None of them had eaten either.

 _But life marches on, even though we wish it wouldn’t._ I sighed, putting down my papers.

“Anyone for dinner?” I asked. “I’m cooking.”

Heads turned.

“I… could eat,” Finn said.

“You can always eat,” Rey replied, shoving him with a small smile.

“I believe I am all right,” Luke said. “Thank you, Reya.”

“Will you at least join us, Master Luke?” I asked. Making sure everyone was as ok as they could be - it was the job I had taken on, and Luke had been a bit too distant for my taste. Not that I knew him that well, but from the looks Rey had been shooting him, this much silence wasn’t normal for him.

He half-shook his head. “If you insist,” he said. He looked like he was about to say something, then stopped. Then started again. “You’re very much like her, you know.”

I blushed as I felt my eyes burning. Again. “Thank you,” I said, standing. “Dinner in a half hour?” Everyone nodded their assent, and I went over to the kitchen to start foraging. I was pretty certain we had enough to make some kind of curry, at the very least. And there were leftovers from the party as well.

“Would you like some help?” Ben asked, and I realised he’d followed me into the kitchen. _My faithful shadow,_ I thought, fondly.

“Another pair of hands would be nice,” I said, letting him close the distance between us and threading my arms around his neck. “I think I’d like a hug first, though.” His arms had already started to curl around me, and they just continued their course, holding me tight as I sighed. _This was never going to be easy. Leia dying. We all tried to prepare for it. But no one ever expected this._

_No matter how hard you try, nothing can prepare you from that great abyss. The one that you just want to plunge into and just wallow._

I pulled away just enough to press a kiss to Ben’s cheek. “Think you can grab the leftovers from last night for me?” I asked.

“Your wish is my command,” he said, kissing me properly. It was brief, chaste, barely more than a brushing together of lips, but it still made me freeze as heat flashed down my spine. Followed immediately by guilt. _Down, girl! His mother just died!_

 _So go have some life-affirming sex!_ The lizard part of my brain urged.

 _Nope. Nope._ That was the more rational me. _Sure, it’s natural. But we’re more than animals. We can control ourselves._ I’d been following Ben’s movements as he opened the fridge - and how did he manage to make _that_ look attractive anyway?

 _Because it’s Ben. Anything he does you would watch._ I nodded to myself as my stomach rumbled again.

“Right. Curry.” I grabbed a knife and some produce and started chopping, turning my attention to not chopping off any extremities.

 

:::::::::::::

 

“Thank you, for making us do this,” Rey said, tracing the rim of her wine glass with a finger. A low hum seemed to come from every direction at once as the glass began to vibrate, startling us all.

“No problem,” I said as we all settled back down. “Seemed like the right thing to do.”

“Are you moving back to D’Qar?” Finn asked, apropos of nothing. Rey glared at him.

“Why would I do that?” I asked, trying to remain calm. I felt my pulse starting to race, like I was being cornered, which made no sense. _Finn doesn’t mean any harm._

“Well, we’re here, most of the time, anyway,” Finn said. “And you’d have work, and…”

“I have work at home, too,” I said. “And there’s nothing stopping you two from visiting, if you want.” I grinned. “I’ll even give you my address.”

“But-“ Rey protested.

“But what?” I asked. “I have people back home - students, friends, who I care about.”

“I thought Ben-“ she said, and my head turned to look at him, at the head of the table, just to my left.

He was frowning at Rey. “I didn’t - did Mom say something?”

“She…”

“She wanted to make sure you had a place - found somewhere you were happy. And safe,” Poe said, entering the conversation for the first time. “There are jobs here, for both of you, if you want them.”

“But-“ I began, then stopped myself. I looked over at Ben. _But I don’t,_ I wanted to say. _I want to go home. To my little place, in my little village. To teach Alix and the others, to climb the cliff a few times a week._ But everything had changed. What if Ben wanted to stay here? What if he didn’t want to be a hermit up on a hilltop? Could I ask him to go back, just for me? Would I move, just for him?

Ben’s hand covered mine where it was resting on the tabletop. “Maybe we can talk about this later?” he said, calmly, and I wondered where he’d gotten the diplomacy from. He certainly hadn’t shown any signs of it before. His hand tightened on mine, then let go.

“Sure,” Rey said, frowning.

The silence that followed was nothing less than awkward until Poe stood, his chair scraping and squeaking on the floor. “Well, since Reya cooked, we should clean,” he said, grabbing his plate and his glass. “Come on, you two,” he looked at Rey and Finn. “Dish duty.” He glanced at Luke. “You too, Master Skywalker.”

And less than a minute later I was left alone at the table, wine glass in hand, as the others bustled in the kitchen.

Home suddenly seemed a long way away.


	60. Sixty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a bit lighter for you - hope you enjoy!

“No, we need seats for five hundred,” I said to the funeral director. “I told you this yesterday.”

“Yesterday it was 700, Miss Trno,” the officious little man said.

I wanted to throttle him, but reminded myself that I couldn’t actually commit murder, much as I wanted to. “The attendees weren’t confirmed until this morning, so I have no idea where you got that number from,” I said, mentally assigning tortures to Rey and Ben, both of whom had nominated me for the job of dealing with this, this _person._ “The final number is 500.”

“Very well,” he tsk’ed. “Very well.” He straightened, glancing over my shoulder. I looked, seeing Ben, and winced. _Of course, you pay more attention to a man. Great._

“How’s it going?” Ben said, coming over.

“We’re getting there, isn’t that right Mr. Uabe?” I asked as pleasantly as I was able.

“Yes, yes indeed,” Uabe said, turning into a bumbling, simpering man in Ben’s presence. Ben’s proprietary grip of my shoulder had me wondering exactly how much Ben had heard before he entered, however.

Ben leaned to whisper in my ear. “Could you come here a minute - there’s… an issue.”

“Of course,” I said, frowning. “Mr. Uabe, I need to go - I’ll send in Commander Dameron,” there was no way I was subjecting Rey to Uabe’s nonsense - Leia’s death was hitting her especially hard, “As soon as I find him.”

“He’s where we’re going,” Ben said. He nodded at Uabe. “Mr. Uabe.”

“Master Solo,” Uabe returned, bowing obsequiously. I did my best not to laugh as I retreated, Ben at my heels.

 

“So what’s up?” I asked as soon as we were far away from Uabe for him not to overhear.

“First, this,” Ben said, stopping and pulling me into his arms. The last two days had been nonstop. Working on the funeral arrangements. Calling the people we needed to call. Making sure everyone was all right. Making sure everyone ate, and slept. Making sure Ben and I ate, and slept. Unsurprisingly, or perhaps surprisingly, we worked well together, Ben and I, double teaming Luke and Rey when necessary to make them take care of themselves. Just yesterday Ben and I had been forced to wheedle and cajole Rey into actually going to bed. At 2am. It had ended with Finn and Ben carrying Rey into her room once she’d finally passed out on the couch downstairs.

Ben was mourning. I could tell, in the times he just stared off into the distance, the times he disappeared, only to reappear with damp hair and eyes just barely stained red.

I missed Leia as well. Even though she’d been restricted to the conservatory, she had loomed so large in all our lives. The last two mornings had found me slipping away from the bed Ben and I were sharing early in the morning to curl up in the conservatory and stare at the the space were Leia had been.

And if Ben and I were busy, mourning in our separate ways, trying to make sure Leia’s funeral went off without a hitch, well, that left us very little time for us. A kiss in passing, a hug here and there. Cuddling during the night. It was all we were managing. And, truth be told, it was one of the things holding me together.

So as Ben’s arms went around my waist, mine slipped around his neck, finding my way into his hair as I pulled him closer.

“I hate him,” I mumbled into Ben’s shoulder. He chuckled, and it rumbled all the way down to my toes.

“I know, love. I’m sorry.”

My stomach still flipped at the endearment. Still with the same lurch, the same intensity, as the first time I’d heard it. I was hopeful it always would.

“Never mind.” I didn’t want to think about Uabe just now. Not when Ben had started running his nose up my neck, slowly, torturously. I shivered, turning my head to provide him better access.

He kissed the spot where my jaw met my neck, then stopped.

I made a noise of disapproval.

Ben sighed. “There is actually a problem,” he said. “A big one.”

“What is it this time?” I asked, not willing to move away from him yet.

“Someone doesn’t want me attending the funeral.” I pulled away from Ben just far enough to see his expression.

“What? Who?” _Who would dare? No matter what, Ben is Leia’s son. And she wanted him there!_

“Admiral Napsoek,” Ben said, face grave. I could see the incipient self-loathing behind his expression, the almost knee-jerk acceptance that he deserved the treatment, that he didn’t deserve to go to the funeral, if that’s what he wanted to do.

“Is this Admiral Napsoek here?” I asked.

“He’ll be here tomorrow. He’s the new commander of the Fleet.”

“And his rationale for excluding you?”

“I’m Kylo Ren,” Ben sighed it, releasing me, moving one step away. Yes, it made things easier to talk like this, but that didn’t mean I didn’t feel a chill where he had been.

“Not anymore,” I said, stubbornly, feeling very much annoyed. “Is he available on the comm?”

“He should be,” Ben said, hesitantly. “He just got finished speaking to Poe.”

“But -“ _I thought you were speaking to all the attendees,_ I wanted to say. “He wouldn’t speak to you in person,” I guessed. Ben nodded.

“His brother was one of those killed during the Starkiller operation,” Ben said.

“Oh my god people need to get over themselves!” I began, voice rising as I finished. “Come on.” I grabbed Ben’s hand and pulled him in the direction of the living room. “Yeah, yeah, you did shitty things. Yeah, they were really bad. But this is your mother. Anyone who wants to tell you that you can’t be there - well, they’re going to have to tell me that. And you that. Face to face. And then watch as their invitation gets rescinded.”

“But Reya-“ Ben pulled me to a stop.

“But Reya what?” I asked flatly. “But he’s the head of the Fleet? I don’t care. He’s not family. He doesn’t count. But he’s important? Again, I don’t care. I was kind of planning on returning home and not dealing with any of this anyway. Important people can go hang. Deal with other important people. No.” I turned back to the kitchen. “Anyone who wants to guilt you into not going to Leia’s funeral is going through me.”

Ben pulled on the hand I was still holding and jerked, gently, so I was pulled into him again. I stumbled into his chest, staring up at him in question.

“I love you,” Ben whispered before he dropped his head and kissed me.

 _I love you too,_ I thought, my anger swept rapidly away by Ben’s kiss. Something had changed, from the last time he’d kissed me, this morning before breakfast. That one was loving and gentle. This one - Ben was kissing me as if he couldn’t do anything else. It was almost desperate, the way his fingers tilted my chin, the way his arm was wrapped around my back.

I kissed back with equal fervour, surging to tiptoes as I plastered myself to him, nipping at his bottom lip. Ben groaned, and I swallowed the sound, echoing it with a moan of my own.

Finally, we separated, gasping for air, to look at each other.

“Well, if that’s how you feel,” Ben said, finally, voice low and rasping. “I will simply have to be worthy of your faith,” he said. And, with a grin, he stepped away, keeping my hand. “Would you like to call the Admiral, or should I?”


	61. Sixty One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben is a bamf. In the nicest way possible.

_What the heck has gotten into Ben?_ I just stood by, somewhat bemused, as Ben sat himself down at the comm station we’d set up in the living room.

“Come - sit,” Ben said, gesturing at the table and chair in view of the pickup, “I want Napsoek to see I have a witness.”

“Sure,” I replied, plopping myself into the chair. I’d play this out, see what was going on. Anything to kill time before my conscience made me help Poe with the funeral director again.

Ben was already busy entering codes into the comm, and he waited as the call connected.

“Admiral Napsoek,” a voice came, and I looked at the screen curiously. An orange-skinned man with a long face stared into the pickup. “Ah. Ren.”

“As I have said,” Ben said, and I was astounded at how calmly he was speaking, “My name is not Kylo Ren - not anymore. I am Ben Solo, and it would be nice if you would address me as such.” Ben didn’t mention that he was also a full Jedi Master of the Order, and should be by rights addressed as Master Solo. Which was probably a good thing.

The Admiral huffed. “Why are you calling me again?” He scowled. “I made my opinion very clear, did I not?”

“You certainly did,” Ben said. “And I was going to get someone to try and call you back to convince you that I’d changed, that it wasn’t necessary to force me to leave my own mother’s funeral because the current Fleet commander didn’t like me.” Ben’s voice grew hard as he spoke. “But someone rather important changed my mind.” He half-turned to look over his shoulder and met my eyes. I was a little stunned. Ben wasn’t going to… was he?

“Admiral,” Ben continued, turning back to the pickup, “Leia Organa was my mother. As such, and in accordance with both her wishes and my own, I will be attending her funeral. And serving as the remaining representative of the Solo family.” I saw him falter, then resquare his shoulders. “If that is unacceptable to you, then feel under no obligation to attend. The funeral will proceed, with or without you.”

I fought the urge to grin like a madwoman. Ben was standing up. For himself. For something that he wanted. I was so proud I felt like my heart was going to burst.

“Ren-“

“Actually,” I said, standing and leaning into the pickup, not able to resist contributing my two cents, “That’s Master Solo, Admiral.” The admiral frowned, looking at me. “Reya Trno, formerly Chief Engineer Reya Trno of D’Qar Base,” I said, giving myself an introduction, “And as I’m sure you’re aware, but you’re just ignoring, Master Skywalker gave Master Solo his rank barely a year after the War ended. You wouldn’t be questioning Master Skywalker’s judgement, now would you?”

I looked at the pickup, and was gratified to see Napsoek’s expression crack momentarily, his eyes darting to the red light that indicated recording as well as transmission.

“No, certainly not.”

“Well, we look forward to your RSVP for the funeral,” I said smoothly. “Feel free to message us if you don’t wish to call. May the Force be with you.”

“And with you,” the Admiral said, woodenly, and I disconnected the call.

I looked down at Ben, who was looking up at me. Our eyes met, and we just stared at each other.

“Well, Master Solo?” I said at last, and Ben’s hands darted around my waist, pulling me into his lap. I shrieked and laughed, hands going to his shoulders to stabilise myself.

“I am so proud of you, Ben,” I whispered into his ear. “That was amazing.”

Ben hummed and pulled me close. “I finally understand what Mom meant,” he said, resting his head on top of mine.

“What do you mean?”

“It was a couple of days before the party - you were already asleep, I think,” Ben began. “And she and I were talking. She was already trying to get the two of us together,” I chuckled, and Ben tucked his arms more firmly about me. “Anyway, she always talked about us getting together as something that would happen eventually. And she said ‘Ben, when you do have her, you won’t think you’re worthy. Which is nonsense, of course.’” My chuckle this time was accompanied by the burning of tears behind my eyes. Leia was - had been - so wonderful. _I really wish I’d had time to get to know her better._ “‘You’ll feel that way, though. Everyone does. So you might as well do something good with it. Use her love for you’ - and her I protested that there was no way you loved me,” Ben put in, “Although I’m glad I was wrong.” I wrapped my arms around his middle, content to let him finish his story, to sit here, to steal some time for just us. “‘Use her love for you,’ she said. ‘And if you feel like you need to do something to prove you’re worthy, then stand up for yourself. Quit being the Universe’s punching bag. You aren’t responsible for every bad thing in the galaxy.’” Ben sighed. “She was right. She’s always right.”

I hummed in agreement. “She has a tendency to be, your mother,” I said, not quite able to use the past tense, this time.

“It really wasn’t all my fault,” Ben said, and I got the distinct impression he wasn’t talking to me. He wasn’t talking to anyone, in fact, except perhaps himself. “It’s not all my fault.”

“It isn’t,” I said, pressing a kiss to his neck. Which of course had the effect of drawing all of his attention to me. A hand moved across my cheekbone and down my jaw, tilting my head up so he could look at my face.

“You know,” he said conversationally, “I really would like to take you upstairs right now and show you how beautiful I think you are. Thoughts?” A full-body shiver went through me, and Ben shifted underneath me as I moved. Heat was suddenly running through my veins, and I was very very up for Ben showing me whatever he cared to.

“I think that sounds very nice,” I said, voice breathier than I intended, but I had the satisfaction of watching Ben’s eyes dilate as he registered my interest.

“Come on, then,” he said, standing and setting me on my feet as he did so.

“Race you,” I said, scurrying through the kitchen with Ben on my heels, trying to keep the mad giggles from being too loud.

Finn was standing in the hallway, and I slid to a stop, catching myself on the hallway.

“Got you,” Ben said, gathering me up in his arms and starting to kiss down my neck before registering Finn’s presence.

“Sorry, Reya,” Finn said, holding out a tablet, face grave. My stomach plummeted. “You just received an urgent message from home - from an Alix?”


	62. Sixty Two

“Alix?” That was Ben. Not me. I was grabbing for the tablet Finn was holding. “Did she say what it was about?”

“Shh,” I scolded, tapping on the message to let it play. Ben quieted, breath hot on my shoulder as he watched with me.

Alix came alive on the screen. Well, alive was being generous. She looked tired. And pale. And so so sad. I was struck by how similar she and Luke were looking these days.

“Hey, Chief,” she said tiredly. “I hope you’re doing well - that you and Ben Solo got wherever you were going.” Her eyes were shining - too brightly - I could see the sea of unshed tears. _Oh, Alix. Honey, what happened?_ “But… I was wondering…My mom died.”

A sea began to rush through my head, waves sweeping towards me, increasing in volume. _Quiet._ Alix was still speaking. “Some side-effect of her treatment. A rare one, but not that rare, they told me. The funeral - it’s in a couple days - it’ll probably have happened by the time you get this.” Alix took a deep breath, a tear rolling down her cheek. “And I’m recording this because Let said I should - I’m staying with him and Silva, and Tela’s offered me space at the inn, if I need it.”

Alex’s chin began to tremble. “I normally wouldn’t ask this, Chief, but… do you think you could tell me when you’re coming home? Is there any way you could … come home sooner, maybe?” Her shoulders shook, and she turned way from the camera, then, mastering herself in a way no child should ever have to, she turned back and looked in the pickup, but not before wiping her eyes. “If you could just, let me know, if you know when you’ll be back, that would be great.”

“Bye, Chief.”

And the screen went black.

 

“Oh, Alix,” I breathed, and a tear splashed onto Finn’s pad. I scrubbed it away, passing back the tablet even as I raised my other hand to check my cheek and found it wet with tears.

_More tears. I’d hoped I was reaching the end of those._

“I…” I began. “I need to call them. I need to go,” _home,_ my thoughts said, all clamouring for attention, _Go home. People need you. Go home. Find Alix._

_Wait._

It was all too much, and I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to centre myself, trying to figure out what to do next, what the most important course of action was. But my thoughts were spinning in countless directions, thinking about Alix, about finding her curled up next to Betsy, about seeing her smile, seeing her tears, seeing Leia, seeing Ben’s tears, Rey’s tears. So many tears.

There was a hand on my shoulder. It was the first thing I clung to. Strong and warm. Holding me to the earth, grounding me. Ben’s hand. I put my hand over his, winding our fingers together, and opened my eyes to find him peering at me, worried.

“Sorry,” I managed, wiping my eyes again. _At some point, I will stop crying. But that day is apparently not today._

“No need to apologise,” Ben said. He put an arm around my shoulders and started leading me down the corridor. I went, still trying to process. Alix’s mother was dead. And probably buried, or burned, or whatever she’d arranged. If she’d arranged anything at all. _That means Alix planned her own mother’s funeral. And from what I knew about the woman, Alix must have decided almost everything herself. I should have been there._

_But I can’t regret being here, either._

Ben sat me down, and I realised I was at the comm station.

“Call her,” he said. “Call that side-kick of yours.” He kissed my cheek. I looked up at him, almost blankly. Then my arms were around his middle.

Ben chuckled and patted my head. “I love you too, Reya.”

“Love you, Ben,” I mumbled, letting him go. “Sit with me?” I asked, and he nodded, pulling up a chair from the table behind and sitting on it backwards, leaning his elbows on the backrest. I glanced at the time, and did a brief conversion in my head.

It was mid-afternoon here, which meant it was about mid-morning at home. Madden would be in the office. I had no idea where Alix would be. In school? Best to try the office, then. Someone would be able to tell me where they were.

I entered the comm code, then settled down to wait as the call connected.

"Retread Engineering Labs - how - oh hey, boss!" Madden's face split into a grin. "How's it going?"

"It's going," I said, and I could hear myself exactly how tired I sounded. "We're busy planning General Organa's funeral - it's in two days. I just got Alix's message." I wanted to be nice, to spend time asking how he was, how things were going with Silva, but I didn't have the energy or the patience. Not today.

Madden grimaced. "That took a while. We sent the message a few days ago." I frowned as well. The kind of priority header it had come with - it should have only taken a day for it to reach me. Madden was moving on. "The funeral was yesterday. Alix's here, hanging out in the lab. I can't… I don't want to send her back to school until she's ready to go."

"Ok," I said, thinking something over. It seemed a bit… mad and crazy, and I glanced at Ben, who was watching me with something that looked like bemusement.

"Whatever it is you're thinking, just do it," he said, giving me a small smile.

I reached over to smack the back of his head, but he dodged. Of course.

"Madden, you still have my house key, right?" Madden nodded, slowly. "Well, I'm going to tell Alix that she's welcome to stay with me as long as she wants." I paused, ramifications and what ifs flooding through my brain. "I'll be headed home with Betsy right after the funeral." I hadn't planned to leave that soon, but with Alix's tearful message still ringing in my ears, I was already begrudging the few days it would take to make the journey. _Maybe I can convince Poe to come with me, and we can tag-team the flight? It'd take a half-day off the journey, at least._

"Ok," Madden said. Someone entered, and he looked up. "Hey, kid, come here." Someone walked over, and then Alix was in the field of the pickup. My eyes were suddenly filled with tears. She was so _thin_ , poor kid. Not that she wasn't always skinny, but she must have missed quite a few meals, because her clothes were hanging on her, and I could see her collarbones much more prominently than I used to.

"Hey, Alix," I said.

"Chief!" Alix rushed to sit down at the desk. "How're you? Did you get my message?"

"I got it a few minutes ago, kiddo," I said. "I'm coming home soon - I'll leave right after the funeral, and I'll get home as soon as I can." Alix, already smiling, grinned madly before the grin disappeared.

"Good," she said. "That's… good."

"Thank you," I said, making her look up again. "For sending me the message."

"Now, Madden's got my house keys - you can stay at my place, if you want," I said. "For as long as you want." Alix's eyes had widened. "At least that way you'd have a real bed to sleep in." I knew Madden only had a single bedroom in his flat.

"You really think I've been letting her take the couch?" Madden asked, and I raised a hand, acknowledging the hit.

"I stand corrected. Madden'll have a bed to sleep in, then." Alix smiled again, but it vanished just as quickly as the first smile had.

"How're you doing?" I asked. "Madden said you were hanging out at the lab?"

Alix nodded. "I'm… ok." She made a face. "I can't… I can't seem to stop crying. And the lab is fun. I get to help with some of the experiments, and no one's looking at me funny. I don't want to go back to school."

"For now, you don't have to," I said. "And how's the hangar?"

And she was off, telling me about the small project she'd been working on, the state of the new humidity regulator that had arrived while I'd been gone as I listened, wondering how I'd managed to suddenly find myself in charge of a 12-year old girl. Because that's what I was, no doubt about it. I would never forgive myself if I let something happen to Alix.


	63. Sixty Three

Someone pushed a cup of caf in front of me. I turned and found Ben looking down at me.

 _Of course._ I smiled up at him. _How did I get so lucky again?_

“You looked like you could use this,” he said, sliding onto the stool next to me where I was perched on the kitchen island.

“Thank you,” I said, taking a sip and sighing. “Exactly what I needed.” I leaned to rest my head on his shoulder, then sat up again. My stomach began to duck and weave, like a fighter doing manoeuvres. “So.” I said, and stopped, not able to go on.

“So.” Ben said. “I take it you need to change our plans?”

“Our plans?” I said, and sighed, running my hand through my hair. “I guess. I need to get home - after the funeral - there’s no point in leaving before, if Alix is ok for a few more days, but directly after.” I looked at Ben. “I know we haven’t discussed this - I know you’ve got a life here, if you want it, or probably with Luke at the Temple…” I trailed off, not wanting to meet Ben’s eyes, but I had to get this part out. I had to. “And I don’t want to stand in the way of that, but I have to go back. I _have_ to. Alix is there. More than that, I want to. I like living in that little backwater of a town. So,” I said, forcing myself to meet Ben’s eyes, “I’ll come visit you, wherever you are, as often as I can. I promise.”

“Reya,” Ben said, and it sounded like a sigh as he took my hands in his, turning me to face him. “Why would you think I wouldn’t follow you home?” I gaped like a fish, not quite understanding. “I love you,” he said, leaning to brush my nose with his. “And living in a different corner of the galaxy from you doesn’t exactly fill me with joy.”

“I know I have places I could go - you’re right, I’ve got a place here, if I need one. Or Luke would have me in the Temple.” A shadow passed over his face. “But both of those places, I’d be Ben Solo, the man who used to be Kylo Ren. With you, on the cliff, in town, I’m just the weird hermit. I’m Ben, and that’s all I want.” He shook his head. “Well, it’s not _all_ I want.” His gaze turned dark, and my stomach dropped as heat buzzed beneath my skin. I surged across the distance separating us and kissed him, his mouth opening beneath mine.

And then the stool I was sitting on overbalanced, and my arms went out, bracing myself on the counter, and on Ben, to stop myself from completely falling over.

Ben was laughing as I righted myself. “We never manage to get that quite right, do we?” he asked. I was bright red.

“I guess not,” I said, standing to right the chair. I stepped between his legs and pushed a strand of his hair away from his eyes. “But thank you, Ben.”

“What for?”

“For… being there. For wanting to be with me.”

“For as long as you’ll have me,” Ben promised, tilting his head so he could kiss my palm.

“Am I interrupting something?” Poe asked, strolling in.

“You wouldn’t care if you were,” I shot back, dropping my head slightly to place a kiss on Ben’s forehead.

“I’m gonna need to borrow her,” Poe said to Ben. “We’re going to go over Betsy - make sure the mechanics are doing their jobs so we can head off after the funeral.”

“Sounds good.” Ben pulled my head down for a quick kiss. “You’re flying her?”

“If we split shifts, we can cut some time off the journey,” Poe said. “Unless you need the ride?” I looked at Ben. I hadn’t considered that when I’d commed Poe. But Poe had wanted to visit anyway.

“You two fly,” Ben said. “I’ll take a liner.” He grinned at me. “I can stretch my legs that way.”

Thinking of exactly how cramped Ben had been in the copilot’s seat, I had to smile. “Hey, I can’t help it you’re oversized.”

Ben’s grin turned into a leer, and I blushed, again.

“Come on, Trno, before you spontaneously combust,” Poe said, disappearing out of the kitchen. I was still paused, staring at Ben.

“I love you,” I said, finding my voice at the same time I found access to my legs.

“Love you too,” Ben said. “Have fun with Poe.”


	64. Sixty Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before the funeral.

“You look beautiful, Miss Reya,” C-3PO said, standing back from adjusting my hair around my shoulders.

“Thanks, 3PO, I said automatically, glancing at myself in the mirror behind him. I was in black, of course, another old dress of Leia’s. This one was a boatneck with short sleeves - my concession to the heat - and fell from my hips all the way to just above the floor. I looked at my reflection, and for an instant, saw what I thought Ben might see. Brown hair, falling to the shoulders of the dress, into toned arms, slim waist, long legs hidden by fabric. I did look… beautiful.

“You do marvels,” I told the droid. “Thanks, 3PO, for giving me a hand again.”

“It is of no consequence,” he replied. “You should have all the assistance you require - the Princess often remarked to me that she found a proper wardrobe one of the best weapons when confronting uncomfortable social situations.”

I tried to smile, but couldn’t. My heart was too sad today. I couldn’t smile about Leia. Not on the day of her funeral.

“Come on, then,” I said. “Let’s go find the others.”

A knock sounded. “Reya, is 3PO there?” It was Rey.

“He’s here,” I called back. “Come on in, I’m done.” Rey pushed open the door, almost dropping through, shoes in one hand.

She was a mess. Her eyes were red, her hair a rat’s nest. Her top was half-zipped at the back.

“Come here,” I said, automatically wrapping my arms around her. Even though we were practically the same height, she buried her head in my shoulder and I rested my chin on top of it, drawing circles in her back.

“I don’t think I can do this,” Rey mumbled.

“Of course you can,” I said stoutly. “Of course you can. You’ll be great.”

“What if I can’t get through what I’m supposed to say?” Rey pulled back, looking worriedly at me.

“Then one of us will help you,” I said, turning her around and zipping her top myself. “Finn, or Ben, or Luke, or me. We’ve all got your back. And you’ve got ours.”

“I miss her.” Rey said. “Already. So much.”

 _Aw._ “She was wonderful,” I said, turning Rey again so I could see her front. “She was. An amazing lady.” I put my hands on her shoulders. “And you are very like her.” A tear streaked down Rey’s face, and I caught it before it could hit her clothes. “Now. Are you all right to go with C-3PO and get fixed up, or would you like to stay in here with me a little longer? Either is ok with me.”

“I’ll go with 3PO,” Rey said, her chin rising, and I saw the stubbornness that had made her such a hero. That still made her a hero.

“Ok, then,” I said. “I’ll be downstairs. Comm me if you need anything, ok?” Rey gave me another hug as I was about to go.

“Thanks, Reya,” she mumbled.

“Anytime,” I replied, warring with my own tears. _Today’s going to be rough._

 

:::::::::

“Great father figure, Ben.” Luke’s voice echoed from the conservatory as I approached. I’d been hoping to find someplace to be alone for five minutes, but this conversation drew me in.

“Maybe she doesn’t even want me to be a father to this kid - I mean, not that I object, but… I know her. She’s going to be that girl’s mother, whether in name or not.” They were talking about me. And Alix. I stopped where I was, listening.

“And you want to be with her.”

“Of course.” I smiled. _I love you too, Ben Solo._

“Which may mean assuming some kind of parental duties for this little girl.”

“Yes.”

“Why do I suspect that your real worry is that you’ll do what you did to the children at the old Jedi Temple?” I slammed my hand over my mouth to stifle my gasp. Luke certainly had a way of getting to a point.

“Thank you, Uncle,” Ben said testily. “I love being reminded that I slaughtered dozens of children in cold blood.”

“You weren’t in your right mind. As you are well aware. And I highly doubt you would do so now.”

“I’d never willingly hurt her. Either of them.”

“Well there you are,” Luke said, as if it were settled. “And if Reya would like to come and join this discussion.” I looked up, startled. Of course a powerful Force user like Master Luke was going to know when I was eavesdropping.

I took the last few steps to the conservatory, stopping in the doorway.

Ben and Luke were standing by one of the windows, both dressed in their most formal robes, looking over at me.

“I’d say sorry for eavesdropping, Master Luke,” I commented, “But I figure you’d know I was lying, so I won’t bother.” Luke chuckled as Ben strode silently over, taking one of my hands.

He raised it to his lips and kissed my knuckles. I shivered, but not with cold. “Hello.”

I smiled at him, our eyes level for once. “Hi.”

“You heard that?”

“Yeah.” I slid my arm into Ben’s elbow and we walked to Luke. “I’m sorry. I know it complicates things. But I can’t leave Alix alone in the world.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to.” I glanced up at Ben. “You couldn’t, not and be the Reya Trno I know.”

“It’s a bit nuts, though,” I said. “I never really thought about kids. And now I might have a 12 year old? An awesome 12 year old, true, but still.” I shook my head. “You think you have everything figured out….”

“If it makes a difference, I think you two will be fine,” Luke said, and I looked at him. I’d honestly forgotten he was even in the room. _Bad Reya. Bad. No zoning out with Ben when the leader of the Jedi order is right there._

I thought about it for a second. “It does,” I replied, smiling. “It actually does. Thank you, Master Luke.”

Luke shook his head at me. “It’s just Luke, as I said. We’re family. Or we will be, if Ben ever gets around to asking you to marry him properly.”

I jumped. “I… No hurry - I don’t think I was anticipating…” I trailed off awkwardly.

Luke was chuckling, and Ben bent his head to speak, low, in my ear.

“One day, when I have a ring, and you least expect it, Reya Trno,” he promised, and I shivered again.

“Now.” Luke said. “I expect the rest of the guest will start arriving at any minute, and it behooves the family to greet them.”

We all stood a little straighter at that, at the reminder of why we were all dressed to the nines. Luke took my free hand, tucking it under his own elbow so I stood in the middle of the Jedi.

“Shall we?”


	65. Sixty Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The funeral

I wasn’t allowed to help carry the coffin. Neither was Rey.

Never mind that I could have carried the weight easily, never mind that Rey could have floated the entire thing using the Force. Men were supposed to do the carrying, so carry they did.

Luke and Ben were at the front corners, Finn and Poe at the rear two, with two officers whose names I’d already forgotten taking the middle two positions. Rey and I followed them, walking slowly in time with the music, Chewie directly behind us. I was already trying not to cry.

If I started, Rey would start. That’s what I told myself. But behind that was an equally awful thought. _If I start, I have no idea how I’ll ever stop._

The men set down Leia’s coffin on the altar in the middle of the pavilion that had been set up, and walked over to Rey and I, where we were standing in the first row.

All of us, other than Luke, who had the unenviable task of speaking first. Ben came and stood next to me, catching my hand in his and holding on tight. I squeezed back. _You can do this, Reya._

“I loved my sister,” Luke said, sharing his memory. This, this is what Leia had wanted. For people to gather and share happy memories of their time together. With as little pomp and circumstance. I took a surreptitious look around. _Less than a hundred people. I think this as little pomp and circumstance as we could get away with._ “Even when I didn’t know she was my sister, I loved her.” He stopped, looked at the coffin, and closed his eyes. “But my favourite moment was when her son was born.” Ben’s head snapped up to Luke’s, and Luke smiled at Ben through the tears that were starting to run down his face.

“Leia and Han had … trouble conceiving. So much so that they had decided to take a break before considering medical intervention. And then Ben happened. Their ‘happy accident.’” I closed my other hand over Ben’s, and he put his free hand over mine. “And the day he was born, Leia had the world’s easiest delivery. The doctors hardly needed to be there. And when I got to see them, this is what I remember.”

“Han, standing over the bed, with Leia lying in it, baby Ben in her arms. And they looked so _happy._ ” His voice broke on the last word.

“That’s my memory of Leia. I love you, sister. May the Force be with you, always.”

He bowed his head, and turned from the lectern. Rey was already there, waiting to take her turn. I hadn’t even noticed she’d moved. I leaned into Ben, trying to tell him, wordlessly, that I was there.

He leaned back, turning his head to press a kiss to my hair. It was that, in the end, that did it. That one simple gesture sent the tears spilling from my eyes and down my cheeks.

I retrieved a hand to wipe them away as Rey started speaking.

“The first time I properly met Leia …” Rey said, voice cracking. Her shoulders shook, just once, then squared. “The first time I met her was after Han died. After that battle, when we landed on D’Qar.” She looked at me, and I tried to smile at her - that’s when we’d met, too. “And everyone was smiling, and laughing, and celebrating. Not Leia. She just looked at me, and opened her arms, and I gave her a hug. And suddenly, I didn’t feel so alone.” Rey sniffed, looking over at the coffin. “I’m gonna miss you, Leia. May the Force be with you.”

And then it was Poe’s turn. I tuned him out, because after Poe, it was my turn. _I’m not ready for this. Why am I doing this? Help!_ I looked at Ben, who was watching Poe. _Right. That’s why._ I extricated my remaining hand from Ben’s two, forcing a half-smile as Ben looked at me as I stood. _I can do this._

I felt unsteady on my feet as I walked the few steps to the spot behind the lectern where I was supposed to stand, listening as Poe wrapped up.

“I hope you’re at peace. May the Force be with you.” Poe turned away, facing me, and his face was wet with tears. We clasped shoulders, him in his full dress uniform with medals that clanked, me in the simple black dress, but comrades-in-arms nonetheless.

And then the moment was over, and I pulled up my skirt with one hand so I could ascend the few stairs without tripping.

I looked at the massed crowd. In black and in finery. At Rey and Poe and Finn. At Master Luke. At Ben. “I’ve known the General since I was twelve,” I said, surprised my voice was as level as it was. “That’s still who she is in my head - the General. This larger than life figure. I grew up watching her command squadrons and armies. Watched her lose loved ones as I did.” I looked over at Ben.

“And the truth is, I didn’t know her then. Not really. I didn’t really get to know Leia until almost ten days ago, when I arrived bringing her son to her.” A ripple went through the crowd. “The Leia I knew then was as strong as the woman she represented, and as warm.” I smiled, and, as the muscles on my cheeks shifted, realised I was crying. “The memory I want to share is the one where, in the middle of the party she threw last week, she dragged Ben and I into the conservatory and basically yelled at us for not realising we were in love with each other.” Another ripple.

“Because that’s who she was. A mother. A friend. And I will forever be grateful to her for that. And for having the opportunity to know her as the woman, not just the figurehead.” Like the others, I felt my gaze drawn to her coffin. “Thank you, Leia. May the Force be with you.” I turned away from the lectern and took the few steps down.

_Done._

Chewie stopped me with a hand on my shoulder, and I looked up at him. He said something in Wookie which I had no hope of understanding. I just put my own hand as close to his shoulder as I could reach, then went and sat down next to Ben.

The other speakers passed in a blur. Jessika Pava spoke of a conversation she’d had with Leia before her first ever flight. General Akbar told us about a conversation he’d had with then-Senator Organa. And, finally, as I was, horribly, starting to get bored, it was Ben’s turn. He was last. He took his arm back from where it had been resting around my shoulders and stood, looking as if he was going to face an executioner.

But maybe he was. Leia Organa’s funeral was the first time since the aftermath of the War that Ben Solo would appear in public.

He put his hands on the lectern.

“I have so many memories of my mother,” he said. “Of her playing with me when I was young. Of her trying to help me when I was being led astray as a teenager. Of her never giving up on me, even as I was going down the wrong path.”

“But the memory I share with you today is the one I have of her when I returned to D’Qar this last time.” He looked at me, and I smiled back through my tears. _And I thought I’d run out of those._ “I saw her, in that med-bed in the conservatory, and everything stopped, and she said ‘Hey, Benno. Took you long enough to get here.’” A tear streaked down Ben’s face. Just one. “And she kicked everyone out, in that amazingly polite way she had, and we talked. About where I was, about how I was doing - about how she was doing, when I could get a question in. About the girl I’d brought with me.” He half-smiled then, and I had to smile. Of course Leia would have asked about that. “And when I talked about Reya, Mom’s face lit up. And at the end of that conversation, when the nurse said it was time to do some more tests, Mom grabbed my hand.

“‘See, Ben,’ she said. ‘Love. It’s what makes life worth living.’” I stared at Ben. “And that’s what I leave you with, what Mom would have wanted you all to know. Find the people you love, and hold onto them tight.” He bowed his head. “I love you, Mom. May the Force be with you. Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I actually adapted this from a few sources... the carrying of the coffin in is definitely a Christian tradition, but the memory sharing I got from the Honor Harrington books written by David Weber. I think it's the kind of thing Leia would have wanted. 
> 
> Hope you all... enjoyed is the wrong word. I hope you thought it was a fitting memorial, I guess?


	66. Sixty Six

And after the funeral was the wake. The party. Some people, of course, had already started the drinking before the funeral, but the people who hadn’t made a beeline for the bar as they flooded from the pavilion. Ben, Luke and I stayed.

“She would have liked that,” Luke said. He turned to me, putting an arm around my shoulders. “Thank you, Reya. For being here.”

“No place I’d rather be,” I answered, giving the Jedi Master a one-armed hug.

Ben was standing at the foot of Leia’s coffin, staring at it, but not really seeing it. As so many times before, he turned to meet my gaze, as if he was actually feeling my eyes on him. I went over to him, threading my arm through his wordlessly.

“I’m going to miss you,” he said. “I know, I know, it’s not for long,” he continued before I could speak. “Only for a week, maybe two. But.” He stopped, looking at the coffin again. “I know there are things that I have to do. Business for mom. Setting up the house. Stuff that I need to be here for.” He sighed. “Remind me again why you’re taking Poe with you?”

“We’ll split shifts flying so we get back home faster,” I said, a smile hovering around my lips. “And he’s a better pilot than I am, so whatever shifts he takes will make the journey faster. Besides. He wants to see Tela. This was just a good excuse.”

“Hmm.” I put my other arm around his.

“And by the way - I’m going to miss you too.” Ben sighed.

“Do you really have to leave tomorrow morning?”

I nodded. “Bright and early.”

“Well, in that case,” Ben said, seeming to come back to the present, “I don’t intend to share you with anyone else. Say your goodbyes to Finn and Rey, and Chewbacca. But then we actually spend some time together. Ok?”

I smiled and nodded, settling my head on his shoulder, trying to commit the feeling to memory. _Two weeks feels like an awfully long time._ “Roger that, Master Solo.”

Ben set us off in the direction of the house and the party as I looked around for Luke, who had scarpered. Ben noticed.

“I don’t think he does well around lots of people anymore,” Ben commented.

“You’re hardly one to talk, Mr. I Live At The Top Of A Cliff All Alone,” I teased. Ben chuckled.

“I guess. But it’s true. There’s a reason the Temple is where it is - on a practically abandoned world, with no one around. All those people, all the different amounts of the Force, swirling around.” He grimaced. “It might be different, for people who didn’t grow up needing to use the Force as a weapon. Or having it used as a weapon on them. If they didn’t grow up having to monitor Force use by reflex. It gets exhausting.”

I walked in silence for a few steps. “I had no idea.”

“Why would you? It’s not something many people have a problem with.”

“Rey?” I asked.

“It’s possible,” Ben said, pushing back some hair that had fallen over his face. “I doubt it, though.” He continued before I had to ask. “She does too much, with too many people involved. No matter how strong she is, or how strong her martyr complex is - and don’t give me that look-” he said, grinning, as I poked him. _Ben, talking about someone else having a martyr complex._ “She just couldn’t do half the things she does if she had that constant awareness.”

“Do you?” I had to ask.

Ben nodded. “Of course. Snoke insisted upon it.” Thank goodness we were almost at the house. I could hear someone calling my name.

Jessika Pava materialised out of the crowd. “Oi, Trno!” she shouted. “Get in here - we’re pulling out the rotgut!”

“Oh gods,” I murmured to Ben, who chuckled. “I’m using you as an excuse, just so you know.”

“Anytime,” Ben replied, murmuring in my ear. “Any time at all.” Something warm curled over me, just underneath my skin. _Definitely not spending any more time with Jess and the others than absolutely necessary,_ I thought. _Not when I finally get to have Ben to myself for a few hours._

“Meet upstairs?” I asked as we finally reached the front door.

Ben nodded, curling a hand around the nape of my neck and tilting my head for a brief, passionate kiss. _Good to know we’re thinking along the same lines,_ I thought, breathing a bit more quickly than normal. “Upstairs.” And he was gone, robes swirling as he vanished into the crowd. I grinned, turning to try and find the others.

“There you are!” A hand caught my wrist. Jessika. She had the open bottle of rotgut in her other hand, and I could smell the fumes from where I was standing.

“Hey, Jess,” I said.

“You leavin’ tomorrow?” she half-slurred. Apparently she’d already been at the drink.

I nodded. “You with Rey and Finn and Poe?” I asked.

“Yeah. Outside.” Jess dragged me through the crowd, her tipsy state enough to make sure people cleared her a path rather easily. I smiled and said hello as I passed, trying to make as many goodbyes in passing as I could. _I have other places to be. Namely upstairs, in a bed with Ben. Stat._

“We thought you’d disappeared,” someone said, taking the bottle out of Jess’ hand.

“I found Reya!” Jess replied, affronted.

“So I see,” Poe said, as calmly as ever. “You ok, Trno?” I looked at him. He looked a little worse for wear. Tired. Sad.

“As ok as I’m gonna get, Dameron. You?”

He shrugged, then nodded. “Same.”

“You drinking tonight?” Finn asked, arm around Rey as they sat on a couch. I shook my head.

“I gotta be up early in the morning - I’m going home.”

“Why do you have to leave?” Rey asked, suddenly bursting to life as she spoke. “I mean, you just got here. We haven’t seen you in years, and you just leave? Right after the funeral? What did we do that makes you so eager to leave?”

“Rey,” I said, and I was half-stumbling over my dress to get to her. I sat myself on the coffee table, grabbing at her hand. “It’s not you. Not Finn. Not even Poe. It’s me.”

“That sounds like a line,” she mumbled.

“It does,” I admitted. “But honestly? The first time I left, I was too…broken. Falon was dead, I didn’t feel like I had much purpose, and I was dead, inside. So I wandered. I learned, and I settled down somewhere no one would keep talking to me about when I was alive. When I felt alive.”

“And now, for a few years now, the place I found to hide, that’s become home. I have friends there. I even have students. And a lab. And the whole reason I’m rushing home now is because of one of the girls there. She looks up to me, and she just lost her mom, and her dad’s not around, and I can’t just let another orphan grow up alone. Not when I have any say in it.” Rey met my eyes at least, two orphans sharing the memory of growing up without parents.

“If I had the choice, I’d stay here longer.” I squeezed Rey’s hand. “I’ve missed you. And Finn.” I gave a tentative smile. “Maybe you can come visit sometime? If you’re not too busy? Or I can come and visit? Maybe bring some of the kids with me?”

Rey smiled a little at that. “You with kids. That I wanna see.”

I made a face. “For someone who never really thought about having kids…” I started, and she used our joined hands to shove me. I almost went sprawling backwards, but caught myself just in time, my free hand bracing myself on the edge of the table I was sitting on.

“Come on. I’m sure you’ve had thoughts of little Solo babies,” Rey teased, once I was mostly upright again. My mouth dropped open. “Or not…”

“I…” I started, visions of Ben chasing a little one on the clifftop suddenly all I could see. The girl would have black pigtails, but my eyes, and would be as stubborn as… “Huh.”

“If you’re done torturing Reya, I think she should probably turn in for the night,” Poe said, re-emerging from the greater party. _I wonder what Ben bribed him with for rescuing me._

“Goodbyes?” Finn asked, standing and holding out hands for Rey and I to take.

“Goodbyes,” I agreed. “Unless you want to be up at the crack of dawn to see Poe and I off.”

“We’ll see,” Rey said, enveloping me in a hug. “The next time I see you had better be sooner than eight years, ok? And write me.”

“Got it,” I said, hugging her back. “We’ll talk soon, ok?” And then I was being passed into Finn’s arms, with a ‘take care, Reya,’ and a ‘see you soon.’ Jess gave me a kiss on the cheek and a blurry ‘fly safe, Trno,’ and then I grabbed Poe to use him as a human battering ram for the crowd.

“Ben talked to you?” I asked as we wove past another man in lots of military braid.

Poe grinned. “Yup. I caught him on his way upstairs.” And we were in the clear, standing in the foyer, next to the staircase. “Go on, Reya. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“I will,” I told him, patting him on the shoulder. “You rest up too, ok? Tela won’t like me if we get in an accident on the way back.” Poe brightened, and smiled the first real smile I’d seen since Leia had died.

“Ma’am, yes, ma’am.”

There was nothing left for me to do but go up the staircase. To Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And... Ok, so I thought there wasn't going to be smut. There might be smut? I'm not sure... I think I'm as nervous for this as Reya is.


	67. Sixty Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this has taken a while, everyone! I was going to write smut, then I decided not to, then I pulled what I'd written to pieces and started again...
> 
> Anyway, this is what I came up with, so I hope you enjoy!

Ben was standing there in just a shirt and pants when I closed the door behind me. His formal robes were arranged neatly on the desk chair. I’d gone to my room - the one I’d been given, the one we’d been sharing, _platonically_. But tonight was going to be anything but platonic.

“I see you extricated yourself from the ‘party’,” Ben said, making the last word into a curse.

“I did,” I said, toeing off my shoes and walking towards the bed, toes sinking into the soft carpet. “Poe came to save me. Thanks for that, by the way.”

Ben grinned. “I said he and Tela could have free reign of my place, if they needed to get away.” I grinned in reply.

“They really are sweet, aren’t they?” I was standing next to the bed, fingers going to the zipper in the side of my dress. It was somehow startling and not startling, the way we were practically making small talk as we undressed. Well. As I undressed. My fingers pushed the zipper down, from just under my arm to my hip.

“They are,” Ben replied, and there was a different note to his voice. I looked up, and he was staring at my side. I looked down, seeing the strip of my bare flesh as if I’d never seen it before.

“Want to come and help?” I asked. I’d meant it to be flirtatious, but it came out far, far more earnestly than I’d intended.

Instead of responding, Ben stepped around the bed and to my side, hands lifting to hover above my shoulders. He looked at me, waiting for final permission. I nodded, and his hands brushed the fabric off my shoulders. I wriggled, forcing the dress to slide off my arms, down my stomach, my hips, and completely off me to pool at my feet.

So there I was, in my underwear, and Ben was staring. It honestly wasn’t that different than when I’d just been sleeping in shorts and a t-shirt. Was it?

It was. I knew it was.

“Now you,” I said, and raised my own hands, hovering them above Ben’s shirt until I received a nod from him. And then, gently, silently, I took the hem of Ben’s shirt and drew it over his head. Ben raised his arms and helped me with the last bit - him being taller, and all. Then came the undershirt, and then he was shirtless too.

We stared at each other.

I felt like I was a bug caught in amber, like everything was moving very very slowly. I raised one of my hands, catching Ben’s jaw and stroking my thumb along his cheekbone, once, slowly.

Then time restarted. Ben almost growled and pulled me into him with one arm, delving his other hand into my hair as he kissed me fiercely.

My hands were in his hair, skating over the skin of his back and shoulders, glancing over scar tissue and bare flesh. I pulled him closer - not that he could get much closer, and he turned us, stepping a few feet so my back hit one of the walls.

My breath huffed out of me in shock, not that anything hurt, as Ben had kept his hand firmly on the back of my head - _sweetheart_ \- and his lips began to migrate from mine down my jaw, down my neck.

“Gods,” I gasped, trying to get my air back, feeling electric everywhere Ben touched me. I’d swung a leg over his hip at some point, and I could feel _everything_ as he crowded me against the wall. Ben’s lips traveled further south, past my collarbone. “Ben-“ I gasped, and his head tilted up. “Bed. Now.” He grinned, dipping further to put one arm beneath my knees and pick me up, carrying me the few yards to the bed and placing me in the middle. I scooted further back until my head hit pillows, propping myself onto my elbows so I could see Ben.

“Beautiful,” he said, and I blushed. I wasn’t _beautiful_ \- especially not said in that tone. Serviceable, yes. Strong, yes. With all the parts in the right places, yes. Heck, I’d even be willing to admit that my collarbones were pretty, or that I had nice legs. But that? I looked at Ben.

 _He believes it._ He was stalking around to the side of the bed, looking at me like I was some piece of art, or something.

“Ben?” I asked, suddenly nervous again. Where had all my self-confidence gone? Ben loved me. I knew it. I felt it, deep in my gut.

He sat on the bed, picking up one of my hands and pressing it to his lips. “Yes?”

“I… haven’t … I haven’t done this in a while,” I said, feeling as surprised as he looked when the sentence finally escaped. “Not since Falon - it’s been years.”

Ben half-smiled. “Neither have I,” he said. He spoke between kisses, his lips moving up my arm - who knew the inside of my elbow was so sensitive? “In fact…” he was at my shoulder now, face close to mine, close enough I could snag a kiss, if I wanted to. He bent to kiss my shoulder again. “Never with someone I loved,” he said.

I stared, shocked for a second before my brain rebooted. He’d never - of course he’d never had sex with someone he loved. Not if he was either coerced by Snoke or as a Jedi. Or later as Ren.

His brows pulled together. _As if I’d send him away now,_ I thought, a swell of love overcoming me. I pulled him so he was over me, and I had a close-up view of his eyes as they dilated. I poked his nose. “There’s a first time for everything,” I said, pulling on his shoulders to make him rest some of his weight on me as I kissed him.

In the time that followed, we laughed, I elbowed Ben twice, he kicked me once. I found out he was ticklish, he discovered the same. We mapped each others bodies, carefully, but not carefully enough - there wasn’t quite time before we got caught up in the taste of each other, the feeling of each other’s skin. Ben became fascinated with my face as I came, wanting to watch it, almost at the cost of his own orgasm. I discovered I loved the way he went boneless afterwards, the only time he was ever relaxed enough to rest completely. It was imperfectly perfect. And when we couldn’t any more, we fell asleep, limbs entangled, trying to stave of the impending dawn.


	68. Sixty Eight

I woke to the alarm. I grumbled, and moved automatically to switch it off, but there was something in the way - _someone_ in the way. I froze, stopping my flailing as Ben did something to the damn alarm to stop its wailing. I hadn’t woken up like this, skin to skin, with someone for a while. For years. Not since Falon.

He turned his head to look into my face. “Morning,” he said, voice rumbling in the pre-dawn quiet.

“Morning,” I mumbled back, tucking my head more firmly onto his shoulder. _I don’t want to get up._

Ben’s arm tightened around my middle, pulling me close. I tightened the hand I’d thrown over his own waist in response, trying to convey exactly how much I didn’t want to leave him.

Last night had been… lovely. Passionate, tender, everything I’d forgotten sex could be like. And, sex with a Force user meant things could randomly go flying around the room when said Force user… lost control. I smiled, spotting the dent in the wall where my comm unit had smashed into it somewhere around round three.

“When do you need to be at the hangar?” Ben asked. I hummed. _I don’t want to think about this either._

I turned my head to look at the clock, couldn’t see it, then grunted as I pushed myself up off of Ben to see it. 0433. “Ugh. We said we’d meet at 5am.”

Ben took advantage of my elevation, pulling me down on top of him, reaching up to wind his fingers into my hair and kissing me, my cheek, my jaw, my lips. “So you can stay, for a while?”

I had to chuckle. “Not quite long enough for that.”

“Don’t leave,” Ben said, suddenly serious. I pushed up onto my elbows, the movement doing interesting things to the ways our bodies aligned, but I ignored that.

“I… don’t want to,” I said, finally, tracing down the line of Ben’s face. “I don’t want to leave.”

“But you have to,” Ben completed my thought, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. “Sometimes I wish you weren’t so responsible.”

I sighed. “Me too.” I sank back down, kissing him with all I was worth.

A few minutes later, and I was all flushed and disheveled, Ben on top of me, kissing the bridge of my nose. “I really should get up,” I told him.

He huffed, just once, then kissed my forehead before rolling off of me. “Go,” he said. “Before I change my mind and keep you in my bed.”

“You know it’s my bed,” I said, rolling out of bed before I could change _my_ mind. Ben just chuckled as I disappeared into the bathroom. Even though I knew I was just going to be in a ship with Poe for many hours, I still wanted a shower.

I felt… remarkably well rested as I started to wake up fully, the warm water sluicing over me as I scrubbed and washed my hair. I felt… content. At peace. For perhaps the first time in years.

 _Funny how knowing exactly what’s truly important will do that,_ I thought as I climbed out of the shower and wrapped a towel around me. I’d left my clothes in the room, not taken them into the bathroom with me. _This shouldn’t be awkward. It’s not like he hasn’t seen me naked. Right?_

 _Right. I think._ Using a frankly ridiculous amount of courage, I opened the door.

Ben was where I’d left him, tangled in the sheets, and I wanted nothing more than to dive back in and make us both require another shower. But that was for another day.

I went over to my clothes, piled neatly on top of my bag.

“I suppose I had better clean up as well, if I’m coming to the hangar with you,” Ben said, sitting up.

“You don’t have to come,” I said, “Not if you’d rather sleep.”

“Reya.” He was up and out of bed, enfolding me in his arms. He kissed my still-wet hair. “The woman I love is leaving, and I won’t see her for at least a week. Of course I am going to the hangar to see her off.”

“Oh,” I said in a small voice. I knew that was how it was supposed to work, but being the recipient of it myself was… overwhelming.

Ben chuckled and stepped away. “If we want to be on time, I need that shower,” he said. I nodded.

::::::::

No one else in the house was awake as Ben and I left, hand in hand. Poe was probably already at the hangar, and Rey, Finn, Jessika, and Luke were still sleeping. Or at least, I hoped they were still sleeping.

“It feels like we just arrived,” Ben said into the pre-dawn stillness.

I nodded. “This week - well, almost two, I guess - it’s gone so quickly. So much has changed.” _We lost Leia. I found you._

“It should only take me a few days to settle things here,” Ben said. “And then I’ll take the quickest liner available.” I squeezed his hand, hearing what he didn’t say.

“I’ll miss you too,” I said, moving my steps so we bumped shoulders. “It’s going to be strange, being… well, not alone. I mean, Poe will be there. But it won’t be the same. I’ve gotten used to you being around.” _There. That’s as sappy as I get, this morning._

“I’ll follow as soon as I can,” Ben said.

“I know you will.” I looked at the hangar, which was approaching far too rapidly for my taste. “I have faith in you, Ben Solo.”

We walked the rest of the way in silence, our hand-hold growing ever tighter as we entered the hangar.

“Morning,” Poe said, sounding far too cheerful for the hour or the occasion. “You too sleep well?” I just glared at him. Poe held up his hands. “Fine, fine. I’ll be over there, doing the final pre-flights.”

I was going to have to apologise to Poe later. But I had hours and hours to do it. I stowed my bag in the hold and changed into my flight suit, Ben watching me silently. Helmet in hand, I finally looked up at him.

“Well,” I began, and then I was in his arms, helmet almost crashing to the ground - I wouldn’t have cared, but it could have been damaged. I tossed it onto my seat, then wrapped my own arms around his neck.

“Please be safe,” Ben said.

“It’s only a week,” I replied, trying to convince us both. “I’ll get home and take care of Alix, you take care of stuff here, and then come and join me. Ok?” I held his face between my hands. “I love you. That’s not going to change because I head home early.” I stretched up, and Ben met me half-way, kissing me so fiercely I lost all my breath.

“I love you,” Ben said, raggedly, into the curve of my neck as we pulled away. “Please, please be careful.”

 _I wonder how many things he’s loved he’s lost,_ I thought suddenly.

“I will be careful,” I promised, going up on my tiptoes for another, far more gentle kiss.

“Lovebirds?” We separated just far enough to see Poe walking towards us again. “We’re gonna miss our slot if we don’t get airborne soon.” I slumped in Ben’s arms.

“Guess it’s about that time,” I said glumly. “Take care of yourself too, got it?” I leaned forward to whisper in his ear. “I know where all your scars are now. I’ll know if you gain another.” Ben chuckled, weakly, and pulled me close for a last embrace.

“Travel safe,” he said, kissing me again.

“I will,” I said. “You too.” Another kiss.

“I love you.” Kiss.

“I love you.” Kiss.

We stared at each other. I didn’t want to be the first one to break, the first one to leave.

“Trno.” Ben let me go as Poe spoke. “Come on.” Poe’s eyes were understanding as he held out my helmet. “The quicker you leave, the faster you see him again.” He nodded at Ben. “See you soon?”

Ben nodded, taking a breath and gaining more control of himself. “Soon.” He said. He looked at me.

“I’ll see you soon,” he said. Not goodbye. Never goodbye. A promise.

I nodded, sitting the helmet on my head. “See you.” Ben helped me up into my seat, and then stepped back.

Two minutes later, and we were outside the hangar. Five minutes after that, we were almost about to exit orbit.

_I’ll see you soon, Ben._


	69. Sixty Nine

I barely had time to get my helmet off and my feet on the ground before I was being hugged within an inch of my life. I wrapped my arms around Alix as I passed my helmet to Poe, feeling her shoulders shaking. _Poor kid._

“Hey, kiddo,” I said, softly. “It’s good to see you.” She pulled away, wiping at her eyes.

“Hi, Chief,” she said, giving me a little smile. I pulled her in for another hug.

“I missed you,” I said. Pulling away, I crouched down, feeling my stiff muscles protesting as I dropped to my haunches. “And I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Her eyebrows pinched together the same way Ben’s did when he was confused.

“I’m sorry about your mom,” I said. Alix swallowed hard, but didn’t cry. _I guess us orphans learn self-sufficiency fast._ “And I’m even more sorry I was off-planet when it happened.” I stood with a sigh. I definitely needed to get back in shape - the weeks on D’Qar combined with the three solid days in Betsy meant I was feeling every minute of my age. “Now, I know we have a lot of stuff to discuss, but I just want to get Betsy squared away, take a shower, and hit my bunk.” I looked around for Poe, who was already talking with Madden. I wandered over, Alix trailing behind.

“Hey, boss,” Madden said, giving me a quick hug. “Glad you’re back.”

“Me too,” I said. And I was. Even though it felt strange to be without Ben, it was good to be home. Strange, but good. Even though D’Qar was the place I’d grown up, this place - this was home. “Thanks. For everything.”

Madden shrugged. “Don’t mention it.” He waved the tablet he was holding. “I can get Betsy squared away if you want to get out of here - I was telling Commander Dameron-“

“Poe - call me Poe,” Poe interjected. “It’s like he thinks I’m _old,_ or something.” Poe ran a hand through his hair, grinning. He looked at Alix. “Hey, kid - you’re Alix, right?” She nodded. “Nice to see you again.” Alix didn’t say anything in response, just stood behind my right hip, staring up the foot and a half to us. I looked at Madden, then at Betsy, then back at Madden. His offer was tempting - a shower sounded like heaven.

“What were you planning on doing?” I asked. Just to be sure. Double-checking never hurt anyone.

“Post-flight inspection,” Madden said. “All the bells and whistles - I can let you know if anything comes up, but that much I can do.”

I nodded. It was true. And I probably wouldn’t have done much more this afternoon anyway. “Ok. Go for it. Let me know if there are any problems.”

“Will do, Chief,” Madden said, saluting before moving towards Betsy.

“You’re headed to Tela’s?” I asked Poe, who nodded, face brightening into a true smile, albeit a tired one.

“Scoot, then,” I said, giving him a swat on the shoulder. “I don’t want to be on Tela’s bad side when she hears I kept you waiting.” I gave him a quick hug. “Thanks, Poe. For taking me home. I appreciate it.”

“No worries,” Poe replied, easily. “I wanted to get back here anyway. You just provided me with an excuse.” I made a face and pushed him away. He went, whistling.

I turned to Alix. “Ready to go home?” She just looked at me blankly. “What, you thought I’d kick you out when I got back?” I’d meant it as a joke, but Alix nodded. “Seriously?” I went to my haunches again. I’d wanted to get at least one good night’s sleep before broaching this, but it didn’t seem like I was going to get a chance. “Listen, Alix.” I said. “I’m not kicking you out. I care about you, kiddo. You have a home with me whenever you want one. You’ve got my help. I’m here, for as long as you need.”

I suddenly had an armful of 12-year old as Alix hurtled herself into my stomach, wrapping her arms around my neck. I almost fell, catching myself with an arm flung out behind me, but rallied, wrapping both arms around her middle.

“Let said,” Alix mumbled into my shirt. “He said you’d do this, but the kids at school - they said you’d send me to an orphanage. Cause I’m an orphan now.”

“The kids at school are stupid,” I informed her, stroking her hair. “And Let is right a whole bunch of the time - but don’t tell him I said that.” She giggled. “And did you know I’m an orphan too?” Her face re-emerged, curious. I nodded. “My parents died when I was really little - I barely knew them at all. And I’m not letting you grow up alone like I did. You’ve got people, ok?”

“Ok,” she mumbled, hiding her face in my shirt again.

We sat there for a while, Alix with a strangle-hold on the back of my shirt, me sitting on my feet, alternating between stroking Alix’s hair or tracing absent-minded circles on her back.

 _I wonder what you’d say to this, Ben,_ I wondered. _You’d probably be at home already, making her dinner. Or something._ I smiled, but it was a sad smile. _I miss you already. It’s been three days, but it feels like a part of me is missing._ I’d sent Ben a message as we’d re-entered orbit, but he’d been away from the comm. _Please, come home soon._


	70. Seventy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is a bit piece-meal, but I hope you like it!

It was strange, opening my front door again, Alix a silent shadow just behind me. The place felt foreign. And small.

 _Does everyone feel this way, all the time?_ I wondered. _When they come back from their adventures, does home feel different?_ I put it out of my head and unlocked the door, stepping through the entrance into the familiar main room. Almost unconsciously, I took a deep breath in, smelling the familiar scents of my cleaner, of the grass outside, and exhaled.

 _It’s good to be home._ Alix’s bag was packed next to the couch. Well, bags. I stepped closer, finding another, larger duffel the other side of the coffee table.

I looked back at her, a question in my eyes.

“I packed those… before…” she said.

“Well, if you’d like to unpack them, I’m sure you know where the guest room is by now,” I said mildly. “Although if you’d like to stay, I guess I should start calling it Alix’s room.” I smiled at her, then let out a jaw-splitting yawn.

“And I am going to go take a nap.” I started to walk to my room. “Feel free to wake me up if you need to.”

“Sleep well, Chief,” Alix called behind me.

 _She should probably start calling me something else, if she’s going to be living with me,_ I thought absentmindedly, already concentrating on nothing so much as my warm, soft bed.

:::::

 

“You’re back!” Tela scurried out from behind the bar and flung her arms around me.

“I’m back,” I said, hugging her back. “Back, napped, and showered. And believe me, that last one was super necessary.”

“For him as well,” Tela said, jerking her thumb at Poe, who was still standing at the bar, watching us both with an indulgent smile. “Believe you me.”

“I lived it, remember?” I said with a smile. “Any chance of grub for me and my minion, here?” Alix was next to me.

“Of course, dear. Pull up a seat next to the bar. You too, little one.” I slung an arm around her shoulders as we walked back.

“Thanks,” I said in her ear. “For helping out with Alix.”

“We all like her around here,” she said. “It was no trouble at all. And we like you too.”

“Awww,” I drawled, poking Tela in the ribs. She jerked backwards, then lunged forwards to poke back, but I dodged. “You snooze you lose!” I snarked, darting around to hide behind Poe, who was sniggering. “If you have to poke someone - poke Poe. He’ll protect me.”

Poe just raised his eyebrows at me. I shrugged. “A girl can dream, right?”

“Keep dreaming,” Poe said drily, but his expression was lighter.

“Did you take a nap too?” I asked, wondering exactly what had caused the change. He seemed more settled than before. More at peace with the world.

He shook his head. “Nah.” He glanced over at Tela, who was busy making some drink or other. “Just hung out here.”

 _They may be the most adorable couple I know. Apart from me and Ben._ I suddenly missed Ben with an almost physical ache, although I tried to suppress the sensation. I was supposed to be being happy for Poe and Tela, and I was, I truly was. But that didn’t mean I didn’t miss Ben something awful.

I bumped Poe’s shoulder. “I’m happy for you,” I said. “Really and truly.”

He smiled slowly. Not in that overly extroverted grin, but a private one that had all the more happiness in it for not being for an audience. “Me too.”

“So,” Tela said, turning her attention to Alix and me once more and sliding us menus. “What do you fancy? On the house.”

“Tela-“ I started to protest, but she cut me off.

“And none of that, young lady,” she said. “Consider this a friend feeding a friend who just got back into town. My treat. No arguments.”

“Ma’am, yes ma’am,” I said, passing her the menu back. I knew what I wanted.

“Thank you, Tela,” Alix murmured, nose buried in the menu still.

:::::

“So, what’s the plan?” Tela asked after dinner. Alix and I had hung out until the dinner rush was almost over, and Alix was over in a corner, reading a book. “With the kid, I mean.”

I shook my head. “I dunno for sure.” I looked over at Alix, a few strands of blonde hair escaping from her strict ponytail. “I want to take care of her. Whatever that means. If it means I end up adopting her, that’s what I do. If she’d rather attend a school on the mainland - get the education she wants, I’ll support her that way too. For now, I just want to give her a space where she can figure out what she wants. A safe space.”

“You think she’ll want to go to a school on the mainland?” Tela asked. I shrugged.

“I have no clue. I think she’s more than capable, but I’m not going to force her if she doesn’t want it.” I sighed.

“And your man?” I looked at Tela. “Ben - Mr. I Live On A Cliff guy. What does he think of all this?”

Tela looked worried. I looked down at my pint glass. “We’ve talked. He knows.” I shrugged again. “I love him.” I was enveloped in a hug before I knew what was happening.

“Thank goodness you two worked that one out. Poe and I were going spare.”

I rolled my eyes at Tela as she let me go. “Remind me to tell you the story of who actually got us together later, ok? It’s a doozy.” Tela’s eyes lit with the prospect of a good story. “But… I know he’s had a history with kids” _that’s a polite way of putting it, Reya._ “And that makes him a bit wary. I think he’d be good with Alix - he’s met her before. I don’t want to force him into anything either. But at the same time, I’m not willing to let him go.” Another sigh. “We’ll figure something out. Even if it’s that I split my time between the Cliff and the town. Or something.”

I looked over at Alix again, who was talking to Poe, and smiled. _Gosh, I love that kid._ “We’ll have to.”

“He’s coming back? For sure?” I grinned. I’d received Ben’s message when I’d woken up from my nap.

“He got on a super fast liner this morning. He’ll be here in three days.”

Tela softened. “I hope you kids work it out. You all love each other enough. It should.”

“I hope so.” I patted Tela on the shoulder as I stood. “Time for us to go home, I think.” Tela nodded, and I called over to Alix.

“Alix?” she turned to me. “Ready to go home?” She nodded and started packing her stuff.

_Home. It’s never dull._


	71. Seventy One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I just realised this story hit 100K... my mind is officially blown. Not bad for a story I thought might stretch to 30K!
> 
> Thanks for bearing with me this far, and we're almost done!

"Chief?" Silva called from the far side of the hangar.

"Yeah?" I pulled my head out of the aft transmission port. "Sorry. What?"

"You've got a message - priority." Silva pointed at the terminal by the door. "You said to let you know?" I was already half-jogging around Betsy. There was only one person who would send me a priority message these days. _Ben._

I skidded to a halt, clapping Silva on the shoulder. "Thanks," I told her.

"I want to meet him when he gets here," Silva said, moving aside to let me be square on to the comm screen. I raised an eyebrow at her. I certainly hadn't told her about Ben. Or Madden about Ben. As far as I was aware, there were three people here who knew. Alix, Tela, and Poe. And none of them were talking.

"I overheard Tela and Commander Dameron saying something yesterday at the inn," the blue-haired girl shrugged. "And it makes sense, Chief, the way you've been acting. Waiting by the comm…" the girl actually had the gall to grin at me.

I wanted to glare, I really did, but the fact that I felt my cheeks heating made me decide against.

"We'll see," I said at last. "Now. I have a message to collect, and you no doubt have a task to be getting to?" I made it a question, but Silva saluted.

"Aye, Chief," she said, still grinning from ear to ear, and hurried off to Madden's side. I sighed, watching her glow up at him.

_Two more days. He arrives the day after tomorrow, in the evening. You can do this._

_Sure. If I don't collapse from overwork first._

Getting back had been tough. Not only was I trying to recoup all the work I'd missed in the lab, but the kids wanted time with Betsy, and I was trying to get Alix settled. So far there hadn't been any speed bumps between the two of us, but trying to get her legal situation sorted out - I was just glad I didn't have to deal with lawyers all the time.

 _I just want to become her guardian and get it over and done with,_ I thought. _But first. Ben._ I turned back to the comm station and entered my passcode to unlock the message.

Ben's face appeared, and I smiled even as I deployed the privacy screen, blocking everyone else's noise - and eyes - as I viewed the message.

"Hello, Reya," Ben said, looking into the camera. His eyes had bags under them, and he looked just as tired as when I'd left, if not more so. _Poor Ben._ "So it's," he glanced at something off-camera, "just about 10 am shiptime, and I just woke up." He chuckled. "I got on the liner, to my bunk, and collapsed. I think I slept for at least ten hours." A shrug. "I guess I needed it. As the last remaining Skywalker heir, the bureaucrats kept hounding me even as I was getting on the shuttle." His face twisted. "But I think I've got everything done. The house is Rey's now - she and Finn practically lived there anyway. The major assets are in a trust, and I have a rainy day fund for us." My heart flipped a little when he said 'us'. Not that I was going to stop working any time soon - I enjoyed it. But the fact that Ben cared to plan for _our_ future, well, that was enough to send a pleasant shiver down my spine. "I packed up the things I wanted to take, those are coming separately. Maybe we can take a trip to the port together and pick them up when they come?" Ben smiled. "I can't wait to see you. It's been too long already. Five days." His lips twitched, turning the smile into a smirk. "Honestly, it doesn't feel like five days. It feels like a month. Like a lifetime ago. If I didn't have your messages, I might not believe that you're real. That what we had, what we did, in D'Qar, was more than just some fever dream."

Another shrug. "But then I replay your letters. And don't laugh, but I do replay them. And I remember. And I can't wait to see you again." His smile turned a bit darker, and I shivered again. "I have five nights of missing you to make up for, and nothing to do on this liner but sleep." I giggled, even though there was no one around to hear me, the nervous anticipation needing some release. "Can't wait to see you - I'm going to find some food now, I think. I love you, Reya. Talk soon."

And with that, the message cut off. I stared at the blank screen.

"Trust you to end with something like that, Solo," I muttered eventually. _Especially when I don't have access to a cold shower._

I pushed the button that disengaged the privacy filter, letting the sounds of machinery bring me back to reality.

"Chief!" I looked up. Madden was standing by the latest propulsor disassembly.

I jogged over. "Problems?" Madden explained what he'd been trying to do, and I put Ben out of my mind. _Day after tomorrow, Trno. Day after tomorrow._


	72. Seventy Two

I woke up to the smell of caf. _Don’t get annoyed._ It was my first conscious thought as I rolled out of bed. _Don’t get annoyed that she’s up before you. Again. Not sleeping. Again. She’s doing this because she cares._

 _She’s also doing this because she think she has to - that she’s beholden to me, or some such shit._ I stifled an annoyed groan as I folded over to touch my toes. _Gods, I hope I start sleeping better once Ben’s back._

And just like that, my mood lifted. 

_Today. Ben’s coming back today!_ His liner was due at 6 that evening, and Alix and I were going to make a day of it at the port, first doing some legal things at the lawyer’s, then going out and buying a few things that she didn’t have at my place. But it was the thought of Ben that put a smile on my face as I pulled on my robe and made my way into the kitchen. 

Alix was there, of course, in front of the stove, cooking something that smelled of sugar and butter. 

“Morning,” I said, picking up the cup she’d left for me. Her own cup sat next to the stove. It was too late to stop her from that habit. _Hell, I can’t complain. I used to live on the stuff when I was her age. Not much I can do about it. Even if I were her mother._

“Good morning,” Alix said, looking up, then returning her attention to the stove.

“What’s cooking?” I asked, walking across to peer over her shoulder. 

“French toast,” she said. 

I contemplated the next words out of my mouth very carefully before I spoke. “You know you don’t _have_ to make breakfast for us, right?” I went on before Alix could object. “If you want to, if that’s really what you’d like to do - to skip sleep and cook - I’m not going to stop you. But you shouldn’t do it because you feel you owe me something. Or because you think I’ll kick you out if you don’t pull your weight. I’m not charging room and board here, Alix.” She was looking up at me now, toast forgotten. “All I want is for you to have a place to come home to. Do your school work, make yourself happy. That’s all I want. Ok?”

“But…” I shook my head at her.

“No buts. I’m not your mom. I know that. I won’t ever be.” Alix’s face turned glum for a minute. “But, maybe think of me as an aunt? Or a really old sister?” I reached around Alix and turned off the stove. It was about time I had this discussion with Alix. Even if it was early, and I was still working on my first cup of caf. “Come sit at the counter for a minute. Breakfast can wait.” Silently, Alix picked up her cup of caf and slid onto one of the stools behind the breakfast bar. 

“Now, before you hear this, I want you to know you can say no. You can go to a boarding school. You can move to one of the Academies - I’ve spoken to Rey and Finn - you’ve got a space if you want one, if you want to leave the planet. But.” Alix was staring into her cup. 

“Nothing you decide is going to stop me caring about you, kiddo.” She looked up at me. “I’m here. For the long haul. No matter what you decide, what scrapes you get in, I’m here. I’ll help you out, in whatever way you decide. Even if that’s just leaving you alone.” And now came the hard part. I really wanted Alix to come and live with me. 

“Alix, if you’d like - and it’s up to you - we can start the process of me becoming your legal guardian. Heck, I’d start the adoption process if I could, but they won’t let me - not until I’ve shown I can keep something other than a plant alive for more than six months.” I snorted. “I’ve kept Madden from blowing himself up for five years. You’d think that would be enough.” Alix’s lips twitched in a small smile. “What I’m saying is that you have me in your family, but only if you want me to be.” 

The silence seemed to stretch forever. 

“Alix?” She’d gone back to looking into her caf cup. “What do you think? Of me becoming your guardian - you don’t have to decide-“ And whatever I was going to say was stopped by the weight of one twelve year old catapulting into my middle, almost knocking me off my stool.

“Yes,” Alix said, muffled but clear from her face buried in my shoulder. 

“Yes?” I said, hardly able to believe it. Alix pulled away so she could nod, and then kept nodding, a smile on her face. I laughed, and put my arms around her. 

“Good,” I said, a grin of my own spreading across my face. “We can talk to the suits about it today, if you want.”

Alix nodded. Then pulled away. “The toast!”

I chuckled. “The toast can wait, kiddo. Wanna go to Tela’s? Have a celebratory breakfast?” Alix nodded. 

“Ok, put on some real clothes and clean up,” we were both still in our pyjamas. “I’ll do the same, and we’ll head out.”

“Aye, Chief,” Alix grinned and saluted. I ruffled her hair. 

“You know you don’t have to call me that,” I said. 

“Whatever, Reya,” she said, sticking out her tongue at me and dashing off to her room. I sagged against a wall as she left. 

_Well, I’ll certainly have a lot to tell Ben when he lands tonight…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh we're so close to being done I can almost taste it!! 
> 
> Alix is going to be part of Reya's family, Ben's coming home, Tela and Poe are practically shacking up... My babies!!!
> 
> Thanks so much to everyone who has read this - y'all are all awesome.


	73. Seventy Three

Ben’s liner was late.

 _Of course it’s late. It’s already nine, the liner just docked, and it’s at least two hours back home. I should have taken Alix home._ I glanced to my right, where Alix was reading some textbook or other. _I really shouldn’t be promoting bad sleep habits this early in the relationship._

 _But she’s mine now._ I smiled, and Alix turned her head to look up at me.

“Everything ok?” she asked, and I felt like the kid, pacing around, waiting for Ben to get his ass off the ship and join us. I nodded.

“Just thinking,” I said. “We’re officially family now.” We’d signed the papers this morning. I was Alix’s guardian in truth. And in a year, assuming we hadn’t killed each other, I fully intended to file for adoption. Alix grinned up at me.

“As your little sister,” she said, stumbling over the words - we’d agreed - I wasn’t her mother. I’d never be her mother. And aunt was too impersonal. So I’d be a big sister, instead. It made sense. Kind of. “Can I just say watching you pace back and forth is making me tired? And I’m the kid here.”

I chuckled. “When you fall in love and are waiting for him or her, then you can tell me,” I snarked back, falling into the seat next to her. “Until then…” I trailed off. “What are you reading, anyway?”

“Thermodynamic Regulators and their Uses in Modern Transport,” Alix said, flashing me the screen she had open. “The new edition. You can have it after I’m done, if you want,” she offered, then blushed. “I mean, you probably know everything that’s in here…”

“No, let me know when you’re done,” I said. “I think I only read the previous edition. A refresher wouldn’t do me any harm.” _She’s going to keep me on my toes,_ I thought wryly. _But that has to be a good thing._ I let my arm rest on the chair back behind Alix.

“Chief?”

“It’s Reya, remember?” I knew it was reflex, but still - no one called their family by a work title. Or at least, no family that I wanted to be part of…

“Reya,” Alix repeated obediently, almost pedantically, “he’s here.” My head shot up, and I was on my feet before I realised it, and taking a few tentative steps even as I recognised Ben’s shaggy hair and his grey robes.

 _He’s not wearing a hood,_ I thought, even as Ben’s head turned as he paused in the entrance to the arrivals area. Then he spotted me, and the world stopped. I was moving towards him, he was moving towards me, but I barely felt my feet touch the ground. There could have been a flood of people in the room, instead of the scattered dozen for all that I noticed anyone but Ben.

And he was right in front of me.

“Hi,” I breathed.

“Hello,” Ben said, amusement warring with affection in his expression. He looked… happy. Well-rested, unworried. Lighter. It was so good to see him again. To have him where I could lay eyes on him.

“Does Alix know?” Ben asked at last. I had no idea how long we’d been staring at each other. Nor did I care, really.

I nodded.

“Good.” And he swept me into his arms, crushing me close as he lowered his mouth to mine.

Somewhere, in a corner of my brain, I registered Alix complaining good-naturedly about our display. But that was only an aside. Most of me was concentrating on holding Ben as tightly as he was holding me. On his lips, moving with mine. On making sure he was here. Really here. With me.

Eventually, though, we both needed air.

“I liked that greeting,” I said, my pulse slowing, my arms still around Ben’s neck. “We’re keeping that.”

Ben hummed, and I felt it where I was pressed against him. “Agreed. Although perhaps we can get rid of the separation? A week felt like a very long time.” I pulled myself closer, pressing my face into his neck.

“I missed you too,” I said, feeling his arms band around me.

We settled into that embrace for another endless moment, until Ben let me go, turning to face someone behind me.

“And you’re Alix,” he said, keeping one arm around my waist even as he spoke to her.

“Hi, Ben,” she said, looking all the way up at him. “You look different.”

_Gods all bless the abruptness of children._

“I feel different,” Ben said, taking it in stride.

“Reya, can we go home now?” Alix asked, turning to me. “If you’re done sucking face with your boyfriend?” Her eyebrow raised, and I wanted to bury my face in Ben’s shoulder. I resisted the urge.   _This is going to be interesting in a whole new way._

“Sure,” I said, turning to Ben. “Ready?” He nodded.

“Most of my belongings are coming in the slower liner,” he bent and picked up the small bag he’d dropped. Not that I’d noticed.

“All right,” I said, taking Ben’s hand. I wasn’t quite willing to let him go just yet. From the way he tightened his grip around my fingers, neither was he. “Let’s head home.” _Home. With my two favourite people. Sounds about right._


	74. Seventy Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness, guys. We're pretty much there.
> 
> A huge thank you to everyone who's read this, a huge thank you to everyone who's left comments, and kudos - you're a huge part of the reason I'm finishing this. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy these last few chapters!

It wasn’t until we were in the shuttle, Alix using my lap as a pillow while she dozed, that I realised we hadn’t discussed something. I lifted my head off of Ben’s shoulder to look up at him.

“Ben?” I murmured, not wanting to wake Alix up.

“Hmm?” he asked, turning his head from looking out the port to smile down at me. I smiled back, feeling warmth spread from my chest all the way to my fingertips.

“I just had a thought,” I began.

“That’s dangerous,” he joked.

I raised an eyebrow at him. “Anyway,” I continued, feeling my pulse beginning to speed - I didn’t want to screw this up, this bubble of domestic normalcy - but the question had to be asked. “I never asked - do you want to stay with me tonight? Or are you going to head up the cliff?”

“I…” Ben said, then stopped. He looked off into the middle distance, considering. “I thought - are you sure you want me there - with Alix?” I could hear the things he wasn’t saying. _Bad enough, a new man in a house with a girl you’ve barely gotten to know - but Kylo Ren? The Jedi slayer? The father-killer? Are you sure you want him in the same house as the girl you’re looking after?_

Thankfully, I had none of those concerns. “I’m sure,” I said. “And… I’m hoping it’ll become normal, or at least, that we’ll all end up in the same house at some point fairly regularly. We might as well start as we mean to carry on.” It was my turn to pause. “If you want to, that is. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, or feel like you have to -“

Ben stopped my rambling with a kiss, a short, chaste brush of lips that still had goosebumps prickling my arms.

“I’d be honoured,” he said, softly, “And likewise - you and Alix are welcome in my home. Always. You are my family now, Reya Trno.” I put my arm around his middle, my head, back on his shoulder, pulling myself as close to him as I could without dislodging the still-sleeping Alix.

 

:::::

“You’re what?” I looked at Poe, scarcely able to believe what I’d heard.

“I’m going to be sticking around for a while,” he repeated calmly, amusement flickering in his eyes. His gaze flickered to Tela, who was busy delivering food to a table, and his expression changed, growing suddenly serious. “I’ve found someone worth sticking around for.”

“Awww,” I chortled, throwing an arm around Poe and crashing most of my weight into him from my perch on the bar stool. “That’s so sweet!”

“You’re one to talk,” Poe grumbled. “If I ever catch you and Solo again, it’ll be too soon.”

I flushed. “Your fault for showing up unannounced, and without knocking, I might add!” Poe had appeared in my living room the previous morning, after Alix had left for school. “Also, you showed up the morning after he arrived. After Alix was gone. What did you think was going to happen?” One glimpse of Ben and I more or less clothed on the couch, and Poe had turned tail and run.

Poe spluttered. “Well, excuse me for wanting to say hello to a friend.”

“Knocking is always appreciated,” I said sagely, taking a drink.

“Where is Solo, anyway?” Poe asked.

“Home,” I said, then frowned. “His house. He’s grabbing a few things. Define ‘a while.’”

“Long enough that I’ll need a job,” Poe said, shrugging.

“Wanna help me teach the kids?” I asked. “I got approached by the local tech school to set up a course - you could help with that - I was going to say no, what with the lab, and Alix, and Ben, I’m kind of maxed out.”

Poe considered it for a minute. “You really were gonna say no?”

I nodded, grinning. “You try going away for the better part of a month, returning to suddenly having both a new child and a new relationship, and juggling two jobs.”

Poe nodded. “In that case, I’m in.”

“I’ll let them know.” But Poe wasn’t paying attention any more, because Tela was walking past. He slipped an arm around her waist, snagging her and pressing a kiss to her temple.

She giggled - actually giggled - before pushing him away, batting at his arm. “You are incorrigible, Mr. Dameron,” she said, blushing. I didn’t know Tela knew how to blush.

“That’s Commander Dameron to you,” Poe shot back, smiling softly.

“Well, Commander,” Tela said, drawing close to him again and poking him in the chest. “If you don’t let me get back to work, I might not have time for you later. Got it?”

Poe drew himself up to attention and saluted. “Yes, ma’am. I live and obey.”

I chuckled as Tela patted him on the shoulder, moving away. Poe yelped. Apparently, Tela hadn’t been able to resist slapping him on the ass as she went.

I kept laughing.

“You know, this is such a far cry from a few months ago,” Poe said, returning his attention to me. “You, with a kid -“ he waved a hand at me before I could say anything. “And she’s your kid. Not your little sister. You two’ll get over that soon enough. And with Ben. Who’d have thought? Reya Trno getting all family instincts.” He took a pull of his own beer. “It’s nice. I’m glad you get to have that. Finally.”

I thought back to D’Qar growing up. To Falon. To the War. To life after Falon’s death.

“Me too,” I said, raising my glass to Poe. “To family?”

“To family,” he agreed, clinking his bottle. “Now. Tell me all about this course of yours.”


	75. Seventy Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, folks!   
> This is the end (just the epilogue to go...).
> 
> It has been such fun, writing this (I can't believe I ever thought it'd be about 30k... I should know better! :-) ) Thank you to everyone who's read this, who's left kudos and comments.
> 
> Huge shoutout (as always) to the fabulous Pharm - you, my dear, are the most encouraging person ever!

There was quite a bit of wind today. It blew in different directions, making me brace and re-brace myself as I stood on Step 200.

The wind was messing with the water, too, making it chop and foam. The wind stopped suddenly, and I almost fell from having leaned into it.

I yelped, then lowered myself to sit on the step. I didn’t fancy falling down the steps today. Once was more than enough.

So I sat and watched the ocean change colour, watched the shuttles lifting from the port. A liner was supposed to be docking in about an hour, and I could see a speck in a sky which might actually turn out to be the liner itself. Or it could just be a spot in the sky. I wasn’t sure, yet.

A paper bag was thrust into my field of vision.

“Fruit?” Ben asked, even as I moved over to let him sit next to me.

“Don’t mind if I do,” I said, taking the bag and opening it with a crinkle of paper. Ben settled next to me, closer than he would have been a few months ago, our shoulders bumping, knees touching. I grabbed a few pieces of fruit, then passed the bag back.

Munching the fruit, I leaned forward onto one knee, looking out into the horizon once more.

“This never gets old,” I murmured. The spot on the horizon was getting bigger - definitely the liner, then.

“Sorry?” I looked over. Ben was fiddling with the bag of fruit, and a fond smile crept unbidden to my face.

“I was just saying that I never get sick of this,” I said.

“This?” Ben pushed the bag of fruit behind him, where it wouldn’t get caught by the wind and fall over the cliff.

I waved my hands. “This. The view.” I paused, then went on. “The stillness up here. The steps. The fruit. Sitting here. With you. I don’t think I’ll ever get bored.”

Ben put an arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his side. I went willingly, wrapping my arms around his middle.

“I’m glad,” he said, pressing a kiss into my hairline. We sat there in silence for a while, every so often reaching back to grab another piece of fruit. It was so like the beginning of our friendship. Except that I usually didn’t have Ben’s arm around me back then. Or feed him the occasional piece of fruit when I grabbed too many for myself.

“Here it comes,” I commented, the liner finally close enough that I could see its actual shape. I figured another fifteen minute before it docked and we lost sight of it.

“Anyone we know aboard?” Ben asked, making the paper bag dance as he fished around for the last few pieces of fruit.

I shook my head. “Don’t think so. Not that I looked at the manifest that closely.”

“You said Fred’s ship was coming in soon,” Ben said.

“Two weeks,” I nodded. “She and Gans are going to take some leave this time, come and stay on the island.” I grinned. “I plan on making them both give the classes lectures.” My initial five kiddos (and Madden) were still helping me with Betsy, but Poe and I were also teaching two classes under the auspices of the local technical school, both, to my surprise, completely full. With a waiting list that was almost long enough to add another class.

Ben chuckled. “I’m sure they won’t mind.”

I snickered. “If they do, they do. I’ll bribe them somehow.” _Tela’s beer is always a good option…_ “Oh,” I said, remembering something. “That reminds me - Alix is starting her first differential calculus class in a few weeks. I suck at it.” I grimaced. “Give me greeblies any day. But I was wondering if you were any better? In case she needs help?”

Ben stiffened, the way he always did when we started talking about Alix. Not that they didn’t get along. Alix was as likely to curl up to his side as she was to mine, in the evenings, and Ben had somehow taken over getting her ready for school - more Jedi mind tricks, I was convinced. But his initial reaction was still one of caution, as if he didn’t trust himself around children.

“I can try,” he said, pretending as if nothing much had happened. I let him get away with it. “No promises - it’s been a while.” I chuckled.

“You mean you weren’t doing high-level mathematics while you were travelling the past eight years?” I smirked.

Ben’s hand shifted until he was tickling the one spot a few inches above my right hip. I shrieked and giggled, squirming out of his hold. Ben followed, and he ended up on top of me, hips half-pinning mine to the grass.

“Well this is interesting,” I said, reaching up to brush Ben’s hair out of his eyes even as I tried to get my breath back.

“Indeed,” Ben agreed, staring down at me intently. Then he sighed. “Unfortunately, if it gets any more interesting, the others will get quite a show.”

I sighed in turn as Ben rolled off me, laying my head back onto the grass. “And while I’m not opposed to telling Tela and Poe to get lost, we shouldn’t do that to Alix.”

Ben hummed his agreement. “They’ll be here in five minutes, anyway,” he said, casually. I shot up to sitting, peering over the edge of the stairs. Sure enough, I could see the three dots that heralded the trios arrival. But Ben wasn’t looking at them. He was lying, as I had been, on the grass, facing the sky.

“How?” I asked.

“The Force,” Ben replied. “Dameron and Alix are both Force-sensitive.” He sat upright as my eyes narrowed. “Don’t worry - it’s nothing Alix needs to be trained in.” I exhaled, slowly. “It just means it’s easier to find her.” I nodded slowly, then returned to my initial position, sitting on the step, watching the skyline.

“I’m glad you came,” Ben said, even as my ears picked up Alix’s voice faintly chattering away.

“Hmm?” I turned, to find Ben sitting up next to me. I leaned back a few inches, letting him hold some of my weight.

“I’m glad you made the trip up here, that first time,” Ben repeated. “I’m glad we met.”

I stretched the few inches necessary to kiss his cheek.

“Me too, Ben. Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In a moment of shameless self-promotion, I'll just say that I've got a whole bunch of Marvel stuff already posted on Ao3, if you want to check that out, and that my next project is a long-form fic in the Now You See Me-verse called 'The Closer You Get.' Go and check it out - I think it should be fun and understandable, even if you haven't seen the movies.
> 
> Thanks so much, and I hope you've enjoyed reading Ben and Reya's journey as much as I've enjoyed writing it!


	76. Epilogue

“You’re here!”

I’d meant to slip in quietly. Find a spot near the back where I could watch the festivities without getting in Alix’s way. She only had one ‘First Going Away’ party, after all.

But Madden had spotted me in the doorway, and my chance of making a subtle entrance was gone. I waved, ignoring the sudden wave of exhaustion that rolled over me, and made my way over to the table where everyone was sat.

Poe was next to Alix, discussing something. _Probably giving her last-minute tips. Or just encouragement. I know she’s been getting nervous - her first apprenticeship on a ship, after all. Even though Fred will look after her._ Fred was sat next to Tela, her new Chief’s pins glinting in the lamplight.

“No Kia tonight?” I asked Tela, sitting down in the chair they’d left between Alix and Ben.

She shook her head. “Sleeping.” Tela sighed. “Thank goodness.” I chuckled. My godchild was having issues getting a full night’s sleep. To the chagrin of both her parents.

Ben’s arm descended on my shoulder, and he pulled me close.

“Good day?” he asked me softly, creating our own little bubble of space in the crowd. “How’re you feeling?”

I smiled and kissed him on the cheek. It was amazing how everyone else just fell away, even after five years. _I guess some things never change. Not that I’d ever want them to._

“A little tired,” I admitted. “Not that I’d miss tonight for anything.” Ben nodded. “Otherwise fine. How’s Iras doing?” Iras was Ben’s latest student, sent by the Temple. A few years previous, Rey and Finn had started sending him the students they weren’t getting through to. So far, the threat of Kylo Ren and Ben’s teaching, had sent them back to the Temple with a renewed appreciation of exactly what the Dark Side was. And what it wasn’t.

Ben sighed. “Still isn’t happy about being sent to ‘this hell water.’ His words, not mine.”

I chuckled. “I expect it’ll grow on him. He’s up at the cliff house?” I felt Ben nod. I leaned closer to him for a few seconds, enjoying his arm around me, then pulled away.

“Ok. So who needs a refill?” I stood, quelling Tela with a look. “And no, you’re not helping me,” I told her. “You deserve a break.”

Requests rolled in. A beer for Poe. Another for Ben. Two sodas for Fred and Alix, as they were shipping out in the morning. A whiskey for Madden, a mixer for Silva. I slipped around to the bar and busied myself with drinks.

“Need help?” Alix was at my elbow. I slipped an arm around her waist and pulled her close.

“Hey, kiddo.”

“Mom!” she protested, but put her arm around me as well.

“I’ve got to get my hugs in,” I told her. “Before you leave me.”

“I’m only going for a few months. Sheesh. And I’ll be with Fred.”

“I know.” I smoothed a bit of hair that was escaping from Alix’s braid. “I just can’t quite believe you’re going. Not that I’m not happy for you. I am. I’m proud of you, sweetie. But I’ll miss you, too.”

“You and Ben’ll be busy,” Alix said with an impish grin. “You know it.” I had to smile.

“True.” I turned back to the drinks. “Now. Help me carry?”

“Sure thing.” Alix picked up one tray, and I took the other.

Sitting down next to Ben with my soda and lime, I slipped his arm around my shoulder as I looked over our group, letting the conversations swell around me. Silva was wrapped around Madden - back together again, although who knew how long _that_ would last. _Maybe this time they’ll figure it out. But I’ve lost count of the number of times they’ve broken up and gotten back together, so I doubt it’ll happen anytime soon._

Fred was talking with Alix, their heads close together as they discussed something or other.

“Reya.” I looked at Tela, who was staring at my drink with an odd look on her face. “What’s that you’re drinking?”

“Soda and lime,” I shrugged, trying to keep it casual.

Tela nodded. “And how long has it been since you’ve had alcohol?” The table was getting quieter as people listened in. Alix was looking over, a small smile on her face. I raised my eyebrows at her - I didn’t want to spoil her evening, to overshadow it with our news. She nodded, once. Ben squeezed my shoulder, having noticed the byplay. _So he’s on board too. I guess this is happening…_

“About two months,” I said, allowing myself to smile. “We were going to wait to tell everyone until Alix was gone, but..”

“You’re pregnant!” It was Poe who said it, not Tela, eyes wide as he made the connection. I nodded, tears springing to my eyes. I blinked hard, not wanting to cry.

The table erupted with sound.

“Come here!” Poe said, pulling me to my feet and into a hug.

“Hey, careful with the goods, there, Dameron,” I protested half-heartedly, hugging back.

“Congrats,” he said into my ear. Then Tela was hugging me. Then Fred. People were patting Ben on the shoulder, were telling Alix she was going to be an amazing big sister. And I couldn’t help it.

 _Just blame it on the hormones, Reya._ The tears I’d been trying to suppress started to spill over as I went back to Ben, putting an arm around his waist and pulling him close.

He looked down at me, brows pulling together as he noticed the tears, arm going around my shoulders automatically.

“Reya?” I shook my head at him, wiping away the tear streaks.

“Just happy,” I told him, softly. “Just really happy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't resist the fluff. All the fluff!!!
> 
> Thank you, again, to everyone who's read and commented - you are all amazing, and I <3 you!


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